When to feel hope?

[Faith Spring]

Hello,

Yesterday I had a good day with my 17 year old BPD daughter but the whole time I had to stop myself from feeling as good as I wanted to feel.  I don't know if that's normal or good. In the past I'd just feel great and be hopeful that we finally turned a corner. Now I think it's better for her if I take my needs out of this relationship (my need for a close relationship with her) and just let her be who she is, which is happy when we shop and cruel when we stop.  I feel bad typing that but if I don't start accepting her just the way she is it'll only be worse.  

I'm only beginning to grieve the loss of the daughter I thought I had.  She is my only child.  She was diagnosed about a month ago with a personality disorder but the psychiatrist didn't say which one.  Everything points to BPD.  I feel sick to know that abuse likely played a hand in this.  Now I'm wracking my mind about when that might've happened.  

I've got no support right now aside from this first step into this group.  I have a friend but she thinks it's a phase.  My sister thinks it's just because I went through cancer a few years ago that freaked my daughter out.  I know it's something else, I know she really does not understand how most people relate to each other.  Anyway sorry for such a long post.  Thanks for forming this group.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Faith hope, just read your post. I too have a daughter with BPD, she is 35 and has lived with me all her life. I'm right there with you on the shopping thing. I hate to shop but sometimes it's needed. I can never go without her, otherwise she never leaves the house. I have resigned myself to the fact that no matter when the shopping is for myself she will make it all about her. I have found at least some boundaries around this. Before we go I explain to her that there is a price limit or item limit. She whines but over the last year she has learned to accept it. Of course she is always pushing my resolve. And yes she is always happy when money is being spent on her, like you said it's the after the fact part. My daughter has no concept of money -- only that it was made to be spent on her. I have never thought about grieving the loss of my daughter. I guess I mostly look for any way I can find to love her as she is. I accepted the fact that our relationship would forever be built around her mental health and her needs. Please understand that does not mean I don't have deep frustration and yes plenty of anger. I hate BPD and what it has done to her, taken from her and denied her in the way of truly loving relationships; especially the one we could have had. I'm new to this fouram also, posting everyday has given me an outlet for the mixture of feelings I expeirence everyday. I hope you find support here and keep looking for the little steps in your relationship with your daughter. I treat mine like gold, they are hard to find, very few and far inbetween but certainly worth the effort. Take care of yourself first. Bluek9

[Feeling Better]

Hello Faith Spring and welcome.

You seem already to be aware of your daughter’s needs and are learning to accept her as she is and you acknowledge that if you don’t, then things could potentially get worse, I can testify to that fact. With my uBPD son I had no idea what his problem was, I knew there was something not right with his thinking and I always ended up trying to justify and defend myself, which as I know now since coming here, it just doesn’t work. So you are in the right place to learn from the tools here and also from other members.

Please don’t beat yourself up over the diagnosis, abuse doesn’t necessarily have to play a part in someone being diagnosed with BPD. Genetics and a person’s disposition are contributory factors. The good thing is that your daughter has a diagnosis and you will be able to move forward with that. In my case, my son is in denial and he thinks that it is me who has a problem.

Keep posting Faith Spring, you will get lots of support here x

[qcarolr]

Hi Faith Spring

Welcome. You are expressing the grieving we each do with our BPD kids - no matter the age. My DD is now 31. She was dx'd at age 23. She also has several other dx's that go back to a very young age. ADHD, Panic disorder, depression, plus substance abuse that started when she was 17 and in her first "mom, he is the ONE" relationship. I first came here after the dx back in 2009 and worked through all the stuff in the side-bar. I would suggest you start with the TOOLS. You are most likely already using some of these strategies.

What are some ways you connect with your DD that seem to be working? What triggers do you experience?

Remember she is young and still sorting out stuff in her brain development. My DD first started to internalize and accept a bit of responsibility for her actions at about 27. She got off of drugs and is not so raging angry. I can more clearly see the BPD effects without the impact of the drugs. Our relationship has improved as I have chosen to love her no matter what and have found ways to strengthen my values-based boundaries. Acceptance of our kids just as they are is so important. Then we can enjoy the good parts of a day, and learn to let go of the bad parts of the day at an emotional level. Getting support here from other parents helps a lot.

I look forward to hearing more of your story.

carol

[JustYouWait]

I've got no support right now aside from this first step into this group.

It's a great first step, and welcome.  You're not alone.

 I have a friend but she thinks it's a phase.  

No disrespect, but unless your friend is a licensed therapist or a psychiatrist, she's a moron, and should shut up.  Opinions like that from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about aren't helpful.  She says that because she doesn't know the answer and is "hoping" it's a phase because the truth is too scary for her, and if it is a phase, it'll all go away and she will be right.

It's not, it won't, and she isn't.

  

Anyway sorry for such a long post.

 

Never in life.  We come here and type about what's going on in our lives.  However long the post is, that's how long it's supposed to be. 

Sorry to be harsh about your friend up there, but in my opinion, people like that and their opinions have in the past kept people like us from getting our kids diagnosed, sometimes for years.