No going back, I have to let it all go.

[Pencil sketch]

Take comfort, in the fact, most of us on here feel like that.
As I said earlier, you aren't dealing with a stable person, it was not a normal relationship, we can see, how wrong they are, their treatment of us, but the dynamics are a perfect storm, and we are hooked. Not an hour goes by, when I don't think about mine. Your body, is responding in a way, an addict would, that's what the relationship has produced, an addiction, and old habits, how you can let go, don't apply here.
Keep reading, and posting, I was always wary, that I may post something, that no one will under stand, or get the, here she goes again. I have had nothing but support, and excellent advice, from people who are going through the same experience, it is however, very hard, to put that advice into practice.
You will be ok xx

[donkey2016]

Hi Pencil sketch,

In my mind I answered your post but I can see now that I never did write anything. I'm also struggling to detach from my ex. I haven't blocked him on my phone or email (he doesn't believe in facebook  ) - wanted somehow to have some contact with him even though I never answer when he calls or texts me. I felt inspired by your first post in this thread - I have decided to change phone number - I don't want to live with the stress anymore that he might call me from another phone or mask his number.

I missed him over the holidays. I realized that I'm not really missing him. I'm just still feel controlled by him and kept thinking about him. He sent me a very mean and threatening email. Yes, also an awful text. It's too much that's why I'm changing my phone number. Did you go through with it?
donkey2016
 

[stixx44]

Baby ducks and Pencil Sketch,

Thanks for the encouraging words.  The month of February will be a huge test for me.  It was easy to go NC in January as I knew she was going to be very busy with her two out-of-town adult children and two trips she was taking with them.  However, once that’s over, she’ll be alone again.  I feel that’s when she’ll be most vulnerable and may contact me again.

I’m not ready to block her... .and I know why.  I have enough insight into myself that I want to hear from her. 

However, if I do not, I will not contact her (of that I am sure).  So this upcoming month is my “test” to myself.  Not hearing from her for the month of February will be the sledgehammer I need to finally believe that she has moved on.

I am keeping busy and have lots of friends who support me.  This forum has been a great source of strength for me on those occasions when I feel like texting her.  I just start reading, and the urge goes away.  Thanks to all who have helped, either knowingly or not.

Pencil Sketch... .I feel your pain.  Seems you and I are living parallel lives at the moment.  I’m curious that you wrote a NC text to her.  Had she contacted you lately and that was your response?

Baby ducks, thanks for your sage words.  Very helpful.

Still waiting to feel... .indifferent.

[babyducks]

don't know if you have seen this one yet stixx44,  there is a lot of stuff on this site... .but here is a link to 'contact after the breakup'

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120426.0

In it, it talks about becoming conditioned to recycling... .and how we sort of learn to expect it... .

might be worth a look.

[Pencil sketch]

Stixx, I have heard nothing, and don't expect to. I was polite, apologised for my rant, and just put my feelings vs her feelings out there, my love, her hate. I want to use this time, to understand, how maybe, I trigger her negative emotions, she is hurt, lashes out, and vice versa. I suspect, she will just change her number again, so am fully prepared for that. I just wish, we could talk this through, but I don't know what she is thinking, and more importantly, why she cane back again, after finding our time apart, so peaceful, she has started the process all over again, and I know she has issues, it's just hard trying to make sense of it all.
Just have to keep on trucking.