Need help for my 2 year old nephew

[breakingfree777]

Hello all,

This is my first time here. I'm posting because of concern for my 2 year old nephew. I should give a little background... .

I grew up being sexually abused (not by immediate family members), then humiliated by my whole family and blamed for the sexual abuse that happened to someone else. I was the scapegoat of my family, and when I moved away, I had a pattern of drawing in narcissists and BPD types as friends, love partners, and even coworkers. I started educating myself and I'm breaking away and recovering from that abuse.

I highly suspect that my mother, sister and brother are BPD oriented. Dad is an obvious narcissist. My parents have pretty much raised my sister's 3 kids, and all my nephews and niece now have some sort of emotional problem (my brother has a son who is 17 and incredibly angry, abusive and sometimes violent).

But there is my 2 year old nephew, and I don't know what to do for him. He is THE SWEETEST little guy. He is the joy of our family and his birth brought us all closer. But now that he is developing his own personality, I'm seeing some things coming out. First, I should explain that my nephew's father (my sister's boyfriend) is a malignant narcissist. He wants little to do with his son, but does see him from time to time. The boyfriend has thrown things and punched out glass while my nephew was in his playpen. When I heard about this, I was going to call the authorities, but my sister suddenly changed her story. I didn't know if that was because she was afraid of her son being taken away, which is most likely, but she does have a history of being hyperbolic and lying. So I looked to my nephew for any signs that he is suffering abuse. I didn't see anything that would raise a red flag in his reactions or behaviors.

I live in a different state, but go home 4 times a year, basically to just keep an eye on my nephew and make sure he is still all right. I video chat with him about every other week, and although he seems to always have some cough or cold, he is playful and happy. But I have witnessed 2 things from my sister:

1. When my nephew was about 1, he had a pretty nasty ear infection. My sister was holding him, and he was getting fussy because he was hurting. He flung himself back and clipped my sister in the collar bone. She smacked his thigh so hard, we could hear it crack, then she slammed him down on a bench with no back to it and just turned away--obviously not caring if he fell off of it. I was sitting right there next to him, so I'm not sure if my sister just assumed I had him or not. My nephew cried so hard, he stopped breathing for several seconds. I picked him up immediately and rocked him, kissed him-I just held onto him. Here this baby is sick and she hits him like that? And in front of the whole family?

My sister glared at me, and even I was terrified. She is like that. She'll do something insane and if you challenge her, she'll start a fight. She gets really verbally abusive, and has physically attacked me before. She has also, on numerous occasions, told me she wished I was dead, to kill myself or wishing that my plane would crash. I seem to be the target for that level of abuse, but hitting her kid like that, along with how she has been towards me AND my parents-it has me scrambling to figure out what to do.

Most recently, I was home for Christmas, and my nephew was throwing a fit as 2 year olds do. My sister told him to be quiet, but when has that ever worked on a toddler? She then screamed at him in a shrill, blood curdling way, then shoved him hard enough to make him stumble back. Even though her child was still crying, she stormed past him, so she could sit down on the couch.

I saw the whole thing, said "Oh my God!" and grabbed him up and did what I could to comfort him. All the while getting the death stare from my sister. I said those words very purposefully, and yes, passively-aggressively. I wanted to get across that I saw that, and it's not ok, but didn't have the guts to be more direct.

When I've tried to talk to my mother about this (I don't talk to my dad about stuff like this because unless you're talking about something like a hobby that he loves, he doesn't care.), and her immediately response was "Well I didn't see any of that."

Allow me to translate my mother's language: She responded quickly, so historically, that means that she and my sister already talked about the moment. Most likely it was my sister complaining about me undermining her, maybe followed by how much she hates me, depending on her mood that day. She then claims to have not seen it, even though she was right there and looking at the whole thing. So she's saying she doesn't want to get involved. And if she didn't see it, then it didn't happen. This is my family.

I've already said that I would fight for custody of my nephew. But honestly, I don't know if that is the right thing to do. That would be tearing my nephew away from ALL his family, and I really don't believe my sister behaves that way towards him all the time. But she does take her pain out on others, and this little guy deserves to not live the way I did growing up. He deserves the best life possible. I would do anything to make sure he's safe. However, my finances aren't good right now, I live in a one bedroom apartment, and I'm not sure if I could even get a lawyer. And what if I did have all the resources and the courts decide for some reason that he shouldn't go with me? Then he'd end up in foster care, and that can't happen.

I don't know if I am over reacting. My nephew is very loved by people who I suspect are dealing with BPD. I don't know if taking him out of there would end up being more traumatizing for him. I can just hear him saying "Where's mommy? Where's gamma?"

Any insight would be so helpful. Thank you.

[Turkish]

Based on what you describe,  this sounds concerning. It's definitely tough being so far away from them.  It would be easier to report something reportable of you were close. Even then, evidence is key.  My almost 3 year old told me her teenage uncle was touching (molesting) her.  I reported it,  but she and her 5 year old brother told the cops differently.  Criminal case closed.  The family was,  of course,  pissed at me beyond belief for a while.  I was an ex-law, however,  a different dynamic than you are in; additionally,  I had joint custody.

Many cities have anonymous CPS tip lines. Maybe you could call them to describe the situation and what could be done.  I'm not advising to report,  but just to talk about the situation. 

If CPS needs to be called,  then they do.  It will open up a hornets nest,  however,  and worst case your nephew ends up in foster care if there are findings.  Frankly, it scared the crap out of me when the CPS social worker made a not so veiled threat that they could take the kids if I and my ex couldn't keep them safe.  This was after me reporting!

I know circumstances mean that you can't visit much,  but what about phone or Skype contact?

Turkish

[zachira]

I come from an abusive family, and I can't tell you how much it meant and how much it changed my life having relatives, and other people interact with me in ways that let me know that I was a person of value, and taught me to question the abuse. I know you are far away, and when you can please try to spend much quality time as you can with your nephew. CPS may eventually take him away, and they usually ask relatives to take a child first.

[RDMaggie]

Hi there,

I am new to the community and am in no way an expert, but here are my thoughts:

First, I can completely understand your concern. Your sisters behavior and action towards her son was at the very least, inappropriate and at worst abusive. I don't agree with physical punishment in any form, I actually don't even care for the term "punishment". I'm more into education and redirection.

Second, you are only seeing glimpses of this behavior. It may not be the optimal situation in which to raise a child, it doesn't necessarily mean CPS will see her behavior as abusive. That's not to deter you from contacting them, if you feel your nephew is in imminent danger, by all means, contact them and let them sort it out. But takeninto consideration that both of the situations you describe there were already stressors in place (child sick, overstimulated, etc.)

Third, in the future I would avoid the "Oh my God!" Reaction. Absolutely comfort your nephew but privately address your sister and do it out of concern for her. From my experience that goes a lot further, something like "You seem like you are really stressed/under a lot of pressure, are you okay?" If she has BPD this statement makes it about her, gives her attention, and sounds less accusatory. If she feels judged she may get defensive and resist reaching out. And that's the goal right? The goal is for your sister to pull herself together (if there is indeed a problem) and appropriately parent her child.

[Turkish]

Third, in the future I would avoid the "Oh my God!" Reaction. Absolutely comfort your nephew but privately address your sister and do it out of concern for her. From my experience that goes a lot further, something like "You seem like you are really stressed/under a lot of pressure, are you okay?" If she has BPD this statement makes it about her, gives her attention, and sounds less accusatory.

These are good points.  It's validating her emotions without validating her behaviors. 

Most children still love even the most abusive parent,  because Mom or Dad carries so much inertia... .Adults of parents with BPD or NPD here have struggled with this their whole lives.  Having a "safe house" or a "safe person" to be with in priceless. In had several.  Thankfully... .over 30 years later, two friends are my "brothers from other mothers."