Helping my BPD daughter's twin brother

[ChrisSC]

Help - how can I protect my son from my daughter's anger? It's constant - not usually explosive, but she is always on him as the source of her pain (since he's the safest person to blame). I talk with him about her behavior as not normal and something she is working on with my help; I validate and listen to his feelings, I encourage him to spend as much time away from her as possible, but wondering if there's more I can do. She's in therapy but it's slow going.

They're 11-year-old twins, in case anyone else has had experience with twins.

Thanks in advance,
Chris

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi ChrisSC,

I grew up with a BPD brother , and it's immensely touching to hear that you are focusing on your BPD daughter's brother.

You mention that your daughter is in therapy, which is great, and that she is getting treatment so young. Is your son receiving any therapy?

The family systems and dynamics are so complex when a loved one has BPD. My parents were exhausted by my brother, and all of their attention was consumed by him. They had so little left over for me that I never considered them a source of support, and instead sought it elsewhere. Therapy would've been so helpful. I saw that they were stretched thin and didn't feel I could confide in them as it would just add to the strain, and ended up stuffing my feelings.

It sounds like you are giving your son permission to have physical boundaries (spending time away from his twin). Is he learning any other skills for setting limits that might be useful? Maybe he can learn them to practice on with people outside the home first, then building up to use them with his sister.

My parents taught me to enable as a way to minimize conflict. I wish I had learned some basic boundary setting and distress tolerance so that I didn't become a caretaker type. They also struggled to set limits themselves, and that was in some ways more frightening than my brother's behaviors. Setting BPD level limits are not intuitive skills and must be learned and practiced. Are there any Family Connections workshops/peer groups in your area?