That phrase I often use is this it?

[formflier]

Hey all, I received a PM asking about a phrase I use to disengage.  That person has a setting where they don't get PMs (I didn't know there was such a thing).

Plus... .I don't exactly remember the phrase... .so below is my best guess.

Two goals of the post.

1.  Help FF remember
2.  Let's discuss ways to disengage once it's clear they are heading for dysregulation, yet perhaps are not to the point where you would "just walk away"because of a boundary you have set.

FF



Now you've put me on the spot... .

It's probably something like "I'm going to take a break while unkind words are between us.  I'll check back
in 20 minutes" or something like that.

Am I close?

Regardless of the actual words used in the phrase I usually attempt to focus people on the "big picture".

"I'm taking a break because of you... ."  (BAAAAAAD)

Letting them know... succintly... why a break is being taken (good)  "unkind words are between us"

the us part is a slight "bid" to your partner that you guys are a unit... an "us" and then the part at the end is a "bid" basically saying "I hope we can come back together"

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

FF

[BasementDweller]

Is this what you are referring to?

Another option

"I'm not comfortable with the words between us.  I'm taking time to think this through"

You reference togetherness and identify what is "between you".  No judgement about how they got there.  He can figure it out... .or not.

You are being honest... .and wise... by "thinking it through".

Tone of voice should be concerned and confused.

It was here where this discussion took place: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318924.0

[formflier]

Thanks for the quote and link!

The general idea is all the same.  Good idea to vary your words some so it doesn't come off as a "word track" that is said without thinking.

Last thing you want is a pwBPD thinking "oh... this again."

FF

[BasementDweller]

Agreed - "I want to talk to you about this, but I'd like to take some time to think about things" etc... .or any variation thereof - then mix and match. 

[PeteWitsend]

I could see things both ways. 

taking yourself out of the situation with an "I" message avoids accusing them and triggering all the baggage that comes with that. e.g.  "I'm leaving to get my thoughts together so we can discuss this reasonably." but an "us" message can also reassure them without triggering " abandonment"-issues, by making it clear you're a unit.

I still can't be that magnanimous though, and shoulder the entire burden.  and I don't particularly think it's healthy to do so.  the last couple times she's gone off the rails and started screaming I'll say "I'm leaving until you calm down and we can talk this over reasonably without screaming." and as I say this, I get my shoes on and leave.

I haven't done it lightly; I wait until the screaming starts.  That way it's clearer what my boundary here is, and what she needs to do.  it also makes it harder for her to blame me, although she tries to do that later, with some comment like " I understand you get emotional and need to leave sometimes." 

this latter comment usually comes after everything has calmed down, and she knows I don't want to start the argument again over a minor point.