Has anyone ever exposed them for what they really are? I ruined his life

[JustNeedToTalk]

This might be long but I will try and stay with the facts.  Both in our 40’s.  I didn’t want to date my undiagnosed BPD ex, and I think initially he knew this.  He was so persistent in a second and third date.  He admitted on our first date that he had been having an affair for 18 months with a married woman which he told me had ended.   I am doubting that now.  Part of me wonders if I have been used to cloud rumours about their affair.
I didn’t find him that attractive initially, wasn’t my usual type, but he has amazing eyes and an ability to listen.  He was so funny, everyone likes him, and ended up feeling proud to be on his arm.  He would probe me about my past, I’ve had a string of damaging relationship, some my fault when my long term relationship ended because I cheated, my biggest regret in life, and I am from an alcoholic abusive childhood.  But, he’d never really talk about his past.  He was a big weed smoker and did enjoy recreational drugs on occasion, something I done as a child but got back into with him.  
Very early on in our relationship I started to see signs that he had issues, he was rarely on time, made plans at the last minute, but I was already trapped and kept tolerating it, he always had an excuse and when we were together it felt so amazing, like I had relationship amnesia and I would forget all his selfish behaviour.  He had a failing business and was in a huge amount of debt.  Soon he started to borrow money.  Then he told me he suffered from manic depression but was untreated.  He would sink low for 2 or 3 days, but always seem to come out the other side.  And I continued to be sympathetic and supportive, literally paying for everything we did together.  
About 6 months into our relationship he told me he had almost attempted suicide.  Now I doubt if that was true and it was a way of getting sympathy from me and his ex-wife for bad behaviour.
He then overstayed on his visa (we live in Asia) and was deported and blacklisted from the country.  Having been here nearly 20 years, I don't think he’s ever had a proper visa to stay for any longer than 3 months at time.  This is when things got really bad.  He went to Australia to spend time with his son and family, I went to visit him, it was amazing, I came back feeling so connected, I met this family, son, ex-wife.  So we committed to getting him back to me and his business.  I then spent 3 months and thousands of pounds getting him back into the country, he would move from country to country during this time and I would support him emotionally and financially.  He started to make more suicide threats anytime anything was delayed with his visa, when I went to visit him he seemed to be more and more critical each time and his sexual desires became sick, having fantasies of us having threesomes, then it developed into him wanting to watch me have sex with a lady boy.  Whenever I said I was uncomfortable he made me out to be a prude.  I didn’t understand why he wanted this as our sex was amazing.  I later discovered he was addicted to Viagra and claims to have a ED problem.
When he came back, he moved in with me, but never properly unpacked, he was a slob too.  It took a while to settle.  But we were getting back on track.  We were in love, we had a great time together. His friend who is also unstable convinced him to do a large group awareness training course, said it would be insightful.  :)uring the course he would stay out until 3-4am and I couldn’t understand why, then after it finished he went into some manic state, felt like he was invisible, euphoric.  Two days later I discovered he had become close with a woman on the course, I looked at his phone, something I have never done and found messages, emotional, to this day I don’t know if it was physical but he swore he ended things and realised it was wrong and we tried to move on.  But I never felt like he showed enough remorse, except for when initially caught, crying to me, begging me not to leave him, saying we should try counselling.  I believed he loved me and was just caught up in the course he had done and the connects he had felt with the people there.  He would tell me he loved me more and more.  The next couple of weeks I started to distance myself, preparing for the relationship to end, he felt it I know he did, he felt my distance.  Then the things got really bad, he started stealing from me, he hit me when he caught me looking at his phone and twisted things so that I apologised for playing the victim.  I then discovered he had used my car and likely my money to book a hotel and sleep with the woman he had the affair with before he met me.  We spent the day crying together, trying to figure out how we could fix our relationship, he was so full of remorse in the moment, then only a few hours later it was like he didn’t care and he left telling me he wanted to move to Australia and get treatment for why he is the way he is.
I never initially planned to expose his affair, but things got bad, firstly a hand written letter of apology, than never felt true to me.  But I continued for one or two days to support him, I felt he was so lost.  He sent me something he had written saying that he felt like a monster, a chameleon, that he could read people, feel their emotions and know how to hurt them.  Then the remorse stopped and everything became abusive, telling me he never loved me, I was never enough.  Calling me on unknown numbers, whisper abusive disgusting things down the phone.  I was so scared, I thought the only way to stop him was to out his affair, so I did, to the husband and exposed everything he had done to me to his closet friends and family.  All of which have disowned (with the exception of his parents), and he has basically had to leave the country we are living in as no one wants anything to do with him.  It would appear his friends have had enough too, I’m not sure what he has done to them.
After this I would get abusive messages, followed by sorry, followed by I did do love you and then back to abuse, until I was finally blocked on everything, and still am, this was a month ago.
I just can’t seem to get over this.  He has treated me like the guilty party.  I can’t get closure.  He used everything I told him about my abusive childhood and regrets and done the same to me, knowing they would break me.  He’s told me I am old and disgusting, that I taste disgusting and no one will ever want me.  I am now in therapy, not just because of him but because of my childhood and trail of tolerating bad behaviour, particularly in men.
I just wonder if anyone else has exposed their BPD (or perhaps Sociopath) ex.  I don't think he knows what he is, and I think he thinks right now that what he done to me isn't so bad, and that I am overacting.  What happened?  :)id they ever realise what they done?  :)id they ever contact you again?

[happendtome]

In your case he will be back. Almost 100%. You were his supply, you gave him money, so he will keep trying. It may be hard to accept, but Maslow hierarchy works in "love" too. I wish that more women would realize that there are so many men who want to just exploit women.

[Maxpax2011]

I had the opportunity. She made me out to be a stalker. Used all my weaknesses against me. Had her new partner harass me on Facebook sharing obscene details of their sex life. I wanted to share it with her family and friends and confront her about it at her job. But even if it would expose her or make her look bad, BPD people always have a way of bouncing back and playing the victim so well. She is a high functioning BPD person. To the public she looks like the perfect woman, attractive, caring and smart. Behind the scenes she is a horrible monster. So even if I exposed her, it may or may not have worked in my favor, could have backfired or made things worse. It wasn't worth it. I wanted her out of my life, so the best approach was not reacting to anything she does and going no contact. Sooner or later these people will reap what they sow. It is inevitable. Karma.

[Maxpax2011]

Also the guy she is with is a total narcissist. He put her high on a pedestal, showed her off on his Social Media, and told her everything she wanted to hear. Word around town is he's an abusive drunk who cheats on his women. She's on cloud nine and thinks they are so in love, doesn't even realize he's already starting to devalue her. So it's only a matter of time before he drops her like a sack of potatoes. She will be more heartbroken than she has ever been, might even send her over the edge. So I don't really have to do anything, just let karma take care of it. The worse partner a BPD person could end up with is someone just as volatile and destructive as them. All you have to do is sit back and watch disaster unfold.

[toomanydogs]

Hi JustNeedToTalk,
  My God, what a journey you've been on.
  Every time I got on this forum, I am blown away by the similarities in all our stories.
  No, I have not exposed my soon-to-be-ex-husband (STBXH?). I have the ability to do so; I have a whole bunch of videos he shot and screen shots he took that would be really uncomfortable for him were they to be made public.
  The issue with the "lady-boys" and the desire for a threesome resonates with me. Very early in our relationship, it was clear my ex had a problem with porn. He, too, has a fascination with lady-boys; he too wanted a threesome. He didn't want a regular sexual relationship with me, he wanted us to watch porn and masturbate. I never considered myself a prude, but sex for me is about connection; it can also be a simple physical release, I suppose, but it wasn't what I wanted.
  My ex is quite low-functioning. He didn't get money from me; he got emotional support for ten years. I ran interference on everything from his medical care to his relationship with his father. Like your ex, mine burned through everyone.
  I have to say, I am fascinated with the issue of sexual fetishes here. I'm wondering if all BPDs tend towards the kinky side. (BTW, I'm a writer, a dramatist. I hang with people who are pretty fluid sexually, but the fantasies my ex has are disgusting. He also has a fetish for excrement, which I did not know until he left me.)
  Anyway, I don't mean to co-opt your post, just wanted to acknowledge the similarities. Geesh.
Welcome!
 
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[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi happened to me, why do you say 100% he will be back.  I am trying to prepare myself for this?  Surely if I have exposed him and he's having to leave the country because of me he will black me forever?

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi toomanydogs, I'm so grateful for any replies.  I feel like this man has destroyed me.  I've never posted on any blog before.  And even writing this I am scared he discovers it.  The sexual fantasies almost became a constant with us every time.  He would talk about threesomes and each time they became for disturbing and more explicit. He actually confessed to me that he has slept with a ladyboy (at the time a put it down to something he had done when he was young).  Towards the end of our relationship I fell asleep in a bed with my friend after a night out, he come home and grab sex toys and lube and started having sex with me while I was asleep and my friend lay next to us.  The next day both of us separately confronted him and he didn't seem to think it was an issue, no embarrassment shown at all.  Two days before I discovered his cheating we were also at a party, where (and I don't mean to be incorrect here) but there was a girl there who was either high or not right, and TBH not attractive and he was coaxing me to have a threesome, which I refused to.  I too wonder about the sex.  Initially ours wasn't that good but through time it became amazing.  This manic episode he was experiencing exposed what he really wanted... .there's probably more I don't even know about.  How did your relationship end?  Did he leave you?

[toomanydogs]

Hi JustNeedToTalk,
  My relationship ended officially in August when H left and then filed for divorce. We've had no contact, so there will be no closure.
  My formal response to the divorce plea was to request a year's marriage counseling, so that even if the marriage ended, we could get out of it not feeling so horrible. He didn't take me up on it.
  Trying to get out of the marriage has been really hard. Even though he initiated, he and his P and his family are behaving as if I were to blame. Most recently, my FIL totally cut off money I was living on. (My FIL set up and administers a trust for my H and I didn't work when we were married. I was totally dependent on that income. I'm now on food stamps and social security.)
 The only thing harder than being married to my H is trying to work through the divorce. I am completely exhausted--emotionally, financially, and physically.
 The sex stuff with my H was really creepy and left me feeling icky.
 Good luck. You're not alone.
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