New here, multiple struggles, coparenting is the worst

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi, this is a first post for me. I'm not sure where to post this intro, but my current struggles are with coparenting our 4 year old son.

 I have been married to someone with significant mental health issues, for nearly 9 years now. His behaviors seem to be a combination of a few things: covert, malicious narcissism, eating disorder, antisocial tendencies, and borderline. The switch from idealization to devaluation happened the day after we were married, and the logistics of undoing things seemed impossible. That combined with my confusion and faith things would be better, that perhaps that was a strange fluke, progressing to my trying to fix it, has eventually led me here.

There is much water under this bridge, I've been working on self care, better relationship strategies, and have arranged an emergency exit plan and a long term one. I'm working on my masters degree online to try to be able to work again. I am trapped mostly by my desire to be a stay home mom, plus not being able to return to work in my former or new  career without a year or 2 of schoolwork.

I am ok living like this, for myself, temporarily, and I cope by using the gray rock strategy often. I have made everything simple, trying to leave nothing for him to criticize. My "uniform" is mainly black or gray yoga pants and a white t shirt. He loves to tear down any personal choice I make, about anything. He looks to create chaos and devalue.

The current struggle is with my 4, almost 5 year old son. He says daddy asks him to hate mommy, to be mean to mommy. I believe him. But there's no way to get proof this is true.
I have been supporting my little guy, loving him, and trying to help him know how to answer his daddy. It has been fun, and my little guy is doing great. He keeps the good parts of daddy and not the bad. Keep the fun and love, not the meanness. In his words, daddy wears his red Spider-Man suit to play with him, but his black Spider-Man suit to talk to mommy.

If I could  financially support myself, I'd file for divorce, get us both to safety. I am able to be present, observe, monitor, make sure my little guy is safe more this way, rather than in 2 separate households. With the issues surrounding my husband's eating disorder, and the circumstances that I suspect helped create that, I feel strongly about not leaving my son alone within his daddy longer than in between meals, if at all.

I wish there were a way to have my husband committed, get him help. But that's another topic. Has anyone else successfully lived in the same house with this, cooarenting small children, for a longer period of time? What kinds of coping strategies helped you or your littles?
My little guy kept asking about a Yoda toy he remembers from my therapist's office. Since he's almost 5 now, I introduced him to the empire strikes back and Darth Vader. That was ok, but he really likes the Lego NinjaGo cartoon. It has the familiar theme... .good son who has to make a choice to be good, or evil. My little guy is sweet. And smart. I am grateful to be able to homeschool preschool him. Any success stories? Or things to avoid? I am careful to encourage our son to love both of us. Doing that while correcting antisocial kinds of behavior he picks up from my husband is a challenge.

Thanks for reading, it's nice to meet everyone here. I wish our circumstances were more pleasant, to say the least.
MJ

[Panda39]

Hi MarciaJane,

 

Your son is a lucky little guy to have you in his life.   

I'm not in your particular situation I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  However, I did want to pass on some information that you might want to check out when you have the chance.  One link is about Parental Alienation and the other is about raising a resilient child... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331467#msg1331467
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Again Welcome   I'm glad you decided to jump in and share your experience.  I know other members will be along soon with their feedback.

Take Care,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

The switch from idealization to devaluation happened the day after we were married, and the logistics of undoing things seemed impossible.

This sounds like he felt safe or confident to let down his Mask of Seeming Normalcy once your were committed by marriage.  He could behave however he felt like and you'd feel 'stuck' or spinning your wheels trying to fix things.

The reality is that unless he addresses his perceptions and poor behaviors in meaningful therapy and really truly applies the counsel in his life, for years, things won't improve.  It is what it is.  He is an adult and divorce court won't try to fix him, it will deal with him as he is.

I am able to be present, observe, monitor, make sure my little guy is safe more this way, rather than in 2 separate households. With the issues surrounding my husband's eating disorder, and the circumstances that I suspect helped create that, I feel strongly about not leaving my son alone within his daddy longer than in between meals, if at all.

Ponder what example you are setting for your preschooler.  Yes, you're doing your best under the circumstances but he is seeing you struggle to play 'catch up' to all his father's poor behaviors.  It can only be described as dysfunctional.  What do I mean by example?  Is son seeing life as it should be, even if only for part of his life when with you?  Can he grow to perceive that he needs to choose his own future adult relationships with emotionally healthy persons?  Or is there risk he would feel more comfortable choosing someone like (1) appeasing fixer mom or (2) poorly behaving dad?

As panda wrote, we have boards filled with topics covering a multitude of subjects.  Please browse our books, articles and lessons boards.  Whether you divorce or not, or decide later what you will choose to do, you can improve your communications skills, validation skills and more.

Have you thought that your child would benefit from counseling too?  If your spouse objects to that then be aware that when you do end up in court you will find that, as my lawyer declared, courts love counseling.

[Dignity&Strength]

Thank you, Panda and forever dad. It is nice to know I am not alone here!
I really appreciate the links, especially the resiliency for kids one.

It is a daily re-evaluation process for me, to explore options in may not have thought of before, and to re-weigh the effects on both my son and myself. It is important to me that he sees a strong, protective mother. I try to politely, firmly, and consistently speak up when my husband says mean or inappropriate things. I do this mostly for my son, so that he sees how to stand up for what is right with honor and dignity. Sometimes, I keep those responses to a simple, that is wrong, or that is not nice, or please do not speak to me that way. This is the thing that is happening. So, there's damage control and correct modeling to be done.

The other thing I'm protective about, and watchful for, is what I think could happen. I may simply be overly cautious, but I tend to look for potential trouble and do what I can to prevent it, within reason. The loaded explanation for this reason is in my first post. I tried to figure out the quote feature, but it's the sentence about what may be in my husband's past that contributed to his eating disorder. There are some suspicious, telling stories that inform my instincts; if I am right about that, and he hasn't gotten help, and it's still a huge problem, he may try to do the same thing to our son. That's the big unknown. Plus, in the case of shared custody, I could be placing my son in the house with my husband's possible perpetrator, if my husband moves back in with his parents, which he would do. Still married, I am welcome in my inlaws house, can be there for all of our visits, ever watchful and protecting. Preventing what I think may have happened to my husband, at the hands of his father. I can't prove any of that, somto try to explain that in court would probably make me sound nuts.

So, it comes down to a daily weighing of what is happening to the big bad that could be possible. And the next right thing to do to prepare to leave. Which, at the moment is graduate school homework, fun fun!

MJ

[ForeverDad]

It is okay to review past conclusions and promises and decide whether you need to take other actions based on a multitude of factors including new information and insights.  Just because you promised to "love forever and never leave or whatever" does not mean there are no circumstances where you can reconsider past promises and commitments.

[livednlearned]

Hi MJ,

I can relate! My son was young when I was in graduate school, and balancing a BPD marriage with the strains of being primary caregiver, going to school, and working can really take a toll.

The current struggle is with my 4, almost 5 year old son. He says daddy asks him to hate mommy, to be mean to mommy. I believe him. But there's no way to get proof this is true. I have been supporting my little guy, loving him, and trying to help him know how to answer his daddy. It has been fun, and my little guy is doing great. He keeps the good parts of daddy and not the bad. Keep the fun and love, not the meanness. In his words, daddy wears his red Spider-Man suit to play with him, but his black Spider-Man suit to talk to mommy.

Dr. Craig Childress refers to this as pathogenic parenting -- it's his word for parental alienation. Fortunately, there are some great books out there to help you respond to your son. It sounds like you're doing great and helping him process things without triggering his dad too much. I remember so vividly how tense it can be to try and do that. My heart goes out to you.

Two great books: Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids by Bill Eddy, and Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak. Don't be dissuaded by the titles -- both have the exact communication skills needed when one parent has BPD. They will give you some needed guidance for how best to respond -- the skills are not intuitive and must be learned.

Validate how your S5 feels. It has to be devastating for a young child to have his dad say he should hate his mommy   Focus on those feelings so he can express them. "When daddy said that, how did you feel?" and "I'm glad you felt safe enough to tell me. What did you feel when daddy said that?"

It's also ok to say things like, "I sometimes feel confused when daddy says things. Do you ever feel that way?"

Mental illness is really confusing for adults! It can be super confusing for kids, and they will often seek out a trusted adult to try and make sense of it. It's ok to agree that the behaviors are confusing, and that they hurt. And then focus on the fact that you are there for your son, and are a safe harbor if he needs to express how he's feeling.

The one superpower we have as the healthy parent is that we can validate how our kids feel. That is something a BPD sufferer struggles to do. And emotional validation is like oxygen to a child

You have a special relationship with your son, and he trusts you. You're doing a great job under difficult circumstances, and I admire you for everything you're doing.

LnL

[Cmjo]

You really sound like a lovely person and wonderful mum. It must be so hard on you, you have lost your relationship and are working hard to look after your son, hope you are looking after yourself too. I didnt know my partner was mentally ill till my kids were 9 and 10, by then we had all been seriously damaged and traumatised by it all. I wish I had acted earlier and tried to get counselling for my kids when they were 5. But at that point I was freaking out myself at realising I was living with a very angry conlifcted man!

So learning about it helps but for me it has taken a long time. Probably anyone will advise to reduce the time your son is around his dad if you do carrying living together for the moment.

[Dignity&Strength]

Thank you, Cmjo, for the encouragement. I have done exactly as you mentioned, having multiple options of activities for my son and I to participate in when he is home. Church activities, sports, lessons, and such.
I understand what it's like to have to come to terms with the disorder after years of not knowing. My mom had something, not BPD,  that I lived with all
My childhood, and had to adjust later, in early adulthood. She was not mean spirited though, for the most part, just odd and stubborn. So my learning of it made her easier to understand and forgive. I think that's part of how my BPDh got past my radar before the wedding. But he is mean. Much different, yet still both can be oddly unreasonable.!
MJ

[Dignity&Strength]

Thank you, LNL, for your kind words as well. I am amazed, it is possible to do so much at once, I'm glad to know you've come through this crazy, grad school-mommy chaos before. Honestly, it feels like I have 2 children in the house, and my S5 is the easy one! I'm watchful for the ODD behaviors from my H. They're so obvious. For example, if I ask my S to do something, before he can answer, my H, who heard me, replies back for him, with contempt and opposition. I'm learning to not ask much of my son in H's earshot, or else whisper to S... .it's strange. Even whispering to my S can trigger my H. It really is better for me to stay in the corner of the house doing something when we are all there, to disengage a little. Anything to lessen what my S hears.
Thank you, again.MJ

[takingandsending]

Honestly, it feels like I have 2 children in the house, and my S5 is the easy one!

Hi DignityStrength. I am so sorry for what you are going through! It's really hard to navigate life with a young child and a disordered partner.

Please know that in moments where your h is dysregulating, it not only "feels" like you have 2 children in the house, emotionally, you do have 2 children in the house. What I had to learn when my oldest son turned 7 was that, despite my wanting to avoid conflict and disengage, when my xw was in dysregulation, I was the only adult mind in the house and had to stay engaged. To clarify, I had to use the communication tools and lessons on boundaries that I learned on this website to learn how to disengage with my children in tow to prevent the harm from the uncontrollable rage that xw was experiencing. My T essentially told me in one session, that I was the responsible adult in those moments, and my first responsibility was not myself but my children. From that day on, I stepped in, even when I felt like melting into a pool of lukewarm water. And yes, my xw was also mean in her attacks.

I really encourage you to look at the workshop on boundaries. Sounds like your early childhood experiences mirror some of mine with care taking an emotionally challenging parent. It can be a cause for the generation of compassion within us, but also can harm us with never establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves. Getting clear on what you value, and considering how you would treat others, can provide a lot of helpful insight (and ultimately strength) in how you present your boundaries. It's pretty clear even to your S5 that your h is doing and saying things that are unkind and harmful.

Let me suggest this another way, how would you feel/what would you do if your h began to levy such attacks against your S5? How would you respond? Your response should not be any less for yourself. It simply is not possible to model strength to a child as a parent in an abusive situation. As much as we want to, we can't do that effectively. I really know how hard this is. Give yourself time, and support from friends or T. Learn the communication tools that can help defuse some of the disordered thinking of your spouse. Things can get better, but with a young child involved, you ultimately will have to decide if better is good enough for him and for you. 

[Onami]

The one superpower we have as the healthy parent is that we can validate how our kids feel.

This right here gave me some hope. I needed to read this today. Thank you