Diagnosed BPD vs maybe BPD - diagnosed is easier.

[Jeffree]

Is it me, or does it seem as though it's easier to call a spade a spade when that spade is officially diagnosed with BPD?

Like, when I was living with my STBx, if any of our marriage counselors had said she had BPD, I am pretty sure that would be the end of any hope I had to get back on track with her in a romantic sense, AND it would have put so so many things into a different perspective for me that would have altered my understanding of our whole relationship and I could have protected myself better.

Without the dx, I kept trying to get things right despite all the horribly abusive behaviors she engaged in with me and the kids. I kept putting out fires, we'd make up, then it would happen all over again, over and over and over, only it became harder and harder to make up and erase all the agony from the drama. Then it just became devoid of any pleasantries, no affection, no hope for any relief from her barrage of black thoughts toward me.

I don't know. It just seems like an official dx turns all those red flags into a run for the hills flag.

J

[MeandThee29]

I was seeing a therapist two years ago when she told me that all of the signs for BPD/NPD were there.

Then he saw her after a suicide attempt, and she told him that he was going to destroy his marriage without many months of therapy and a commitment to change his core attitudes. She does some DBT therapy with a few BPD/NPD cases, but is very picky about who she takes for that. He quit therapy right after that.

When I went back to her after he left, she said that all of this was entirely predictable given the BPD/NPD diagnosis. A bit shocking, but it helped.

[JNChell]

I have to agree with you Jeffree. When my ex and I got into couples counseling my hope was for the behaviors to play out in front of the T in hopes of her recognizing them and going from there. I never told the T about my suspicions. I had told my ex before that that I thought she fit the disorder, which I shouldn’t have done, so I knew I was on fragile ground with the issue. We broke up before anything of real substance came about for us in therapy. In fact, before this particular T, and after I had let her know that I thought something deep was going on with her, she actually showed up one day with “Stop Walking On Eggshells” and started to recite excerpts from the book to me and accused me of being BPD. I actually caved to this. I became emotional and apologetic and told her that I was open to the accusation and that we should bring it up in therapy. Unreal! She would leave the book laying around so I could see the parts that she highlighted. She only made it through a few chapters before she gave up on her endeavor and deflection/projection. I guess she got bored with it after making her point. Anyway, I’m with you on this. A BPD/NPD dx or at least a confirmation of strong traits would’ve been helpful. She’s still seeing the T that we were seeing together. I was going to continue to see the same T after the breakup, but I got a bad gut feeling about it. My sister who is a T also advised against it. When I told my ex that I wouldn’t be seeing that T anymore, she got crappy and said “Why? Is it because you think I’m BPD and T doesn’t think I am?”. Why oh why do I get tangled up with these types?

[enlighten me]

At the end of the day diagnosed or not it wouldn't have changed their behaviour towards us.

Neither of my exs have been diagnosed. All a diagnoses would do for me is confirm what I already know.

I'm also a bit dubious about diagnoses. My ex wife has seen 3 therapists. the one she settled on is the one that says theres nothing wrong with her. The other two were apparently useless in her opinion and she fell out with both of them. My thoughts and her mums are that they told her something she didn't want to hear.

For ages I wanted a professional to confirm my thoughts but now that need has gone. I'm more certain of myself than I was back then.