Really tough day

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDh and his parents came to pick up the rest of his things this morning.  I had everything packed up in boxes and in the garage.  He would not look at me or say a word to me. His parents have been like my parents for the last nine years. I burst into tears when his dad said Hi.  His mother was very cold to me.  I'm sure that he has spun a wonderful web of how he is the victim and I am the terrible person that did this to him.  The facts are that he left.  He contacted a lawyer.  He asked me to pack up his things.  He took a large sum of money out of our joint bank account.   

I know that it is too emotional for him to see me or talk to me.  I get that.  What really hurts is I tried to tell his parents that I love them and that I miss them and that I didn't want this.  All I got was "He didn't want this either", "be good", and "we love you too", but the tone and body language did not reflect the words.  I wanted him to go to counseling with me.  I asked him to about a week before he left.  That was a big fight.  How could I ask that of him when he is going to court later this month for charges pending from his car accident in late January.  Why would he want to spend time working on his marriage if he could possibly be going to jail in a few months. 

I just feel used up and discarded.  Why do we love someone so much that has such a capacity to hurt us so deeply?  I'm glad my D16 wasn't here to feel the icy frost of their resentment and loathing.

[lotus74]

My uBPDh and his parents came to pick up the rest of his things this morning.  I had everything packed up in boxes and in the garage.  He would not look at me or say a word to me. His parents have been like my parents for the last nine years. I burst into tears when his dad said Hi.  His mother was very cold to me.  I'm sure that he has spun a wonderful web of how he is the victim and I am the terrible person that did this to him.  The facts are that he left.  He contacted a lawyer.  He asked me to pack up his things.  He took a large sum of money out of our joint bank account.   

I know that it is too emotional for him to see me or talk to me.  I get that.  What really hurts is I tried to tell his parents that I love them and that I miss them and that I didn't want this.  All I got was "He didn't want this either", "be good", and "we love you too", but the tone and body language did not reflect the words.  I wanted him to go to counseling with me.  I asked him to about a week before he left.  That was a big fight.  How could I ask that of him when he is going to court later this month for charges pending from his car accident in late January.  Why would he want to spend time working on his marriage if he could possibly be going to jail in a few months. 

I just feel used up and discarded.  Why do we love someone so much that has such a capacity to hurt us so deeply?  I'm glad my D16 wasn't here to feel the icy frost of their resentment and loathing.

[Cromwell]

Hi lotus74

unpleasant as it was to be ignored in such a way, it might have been more preferable to him making snide remarks or some other type of hostility?

Remember that his parents will know you well having had 9 years with you what seems like a very close bond. They might have felt the need to behave different with their son being there than if you had the opportunity to be alone with them. If they are mature people they will know that there are two sides to the story and not just side with their sons version of events for his sake alone.

As for loving someone so much that has the capacity to hurt us so deeply, it is often the case that people hurt the ones who love them the most, when my ex could see that I was hurt by her behaviour it solidified in her mind that I cared enough to be hurt. In other words the association is made that love = hurt. If I was indifferent and didnt react emotionally, it would be an indicator that I didnt love her because I was unaffected or indifferent. Its almost as if being hurt is a proof of love, therefore, encouraging more hurt in the future to test and see just how far the love goes.

Sorry you had a rough day, hoping this gets resolved with as little upset as possible.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Lotus74,  wow that sounds incredibly tough.  So sorry you had to go through this.  It understandable how upsetting  this must have been.

Could it be that his parents are also upset and just trying to get through this time that must be tough for them as well? If they love you, then they must be disappointed to be losing you as a daughter in law. 

Obviously, this is painful for you and you tried to keep your marriage together. 

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.  Glad you are posting.  We are here to lend our support.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Sparky5]

Hi Lotus,
     So sorry you had to experience that. It sounds like it was quite painful. I can relate to the feeling of being discarded and it is horrible. Here's a big   for you. What are you doing for self care in the aftermath?
-Sparky