What is the diagnosis for this?

[TurbanCowboy]

If a woman has:

1. Obvious Abandonment issues.  

2. A history of physical violence(hitting, throwing things)

3. Black and white thinker, your th best one moment and a total loser the next

4. Isolated me, made hanging out with friends and family without her incredibly difficult time and time again

5. Constantly projected onto white girls that they are sluts

6. Took my replacement on vacation the morning I moved out and moved him into the house 30 days later

7. Has told me the last 10 years were a total waste

8. Can almost never admit she is wrong about anything, can’t handle any criticism

9. Will ruin your birthday if you don’t react the way she wanted you to react to a present or birthday cake. Makes it about her feelings not yours.

10. Has periods where she doesn’t speak with friends or family because she is mad at them, feels slighted. Has few friends.

11. Will engage in silent treatment that lasts for days

12.  Constantly accused me of not telling her how pretty she is when I did it constantly in many ways. Couldn’t do it enough

13.  History of breaking off engagements, brief recycle attempts

14. Changed her first name because she didn’t like her given name.

15. Can’t be reasoned with at all

16. Blatantly lies when she’s emotional, makes up crap as she goes so the story can change constantly even though I know exactly what the story is

17. Has a mother whose father was murdered when she was a child

18. My wife claims she can’t remember anything about being a child

19. My wife waited 4 years till a month before the wedding to tell me she was previously married

20.  If she text me and I didn’t text back promptly the next message would be HELLO?

21. After I finally gave up and met with my attorney she got serious cold feet and tried to fix the relationship.

22. Called the cops and tried to frame me

What is the diagnosis for this? Just a woman being a woman?

[SlyQQ]

There's a pattern

no self harm though? no substance abuse?

Can hold down a job?

Attention seeking?

she may just be a b*****

[BasementDweller]

Yikes. As a woman, I can assure you that with the exception of changing one's name (there's really nothing inherently wrong with that) those behaviors are pretty severe and even on my worst PMS days, I wouldn't resort to them. Ok... .the not feeling pretty when bloated, pimply, and crampy - I might be guilty of that.  I'm sure many of the women on this board can also agree that these behaviors are extreme and indicative of some major issues, and not what being a woman is all about. 

There are many pwBPD who do not self-harm and can hold a job. There are also many who are introverts and not attention seekers. There can be high-functioning BPDers who appear quite normal and likable to others, and the only people who really see their "bad sides" are the ones they are closest to.

I'm also curious - did she say she acts this way because she's a woman? Do other people see it, or is she on good behavior with others? Many pwBPD have mastered the fine art of charming everyone around them, and then turning into a monster behind closed doors.

[pearlsw]

Hi TC,

Well, not all women are like this so let's just set that aside.  I hear that you feel bad though and don't know what to make of things - that is understandable.

Sounds like you experienced a lot of pain in the relationship - feeling like you were doing the things you were "supposed" to be doing but not getting the kind of results one might expect such as love, caring, kindness, etc. That is painful, disappointing and confusing.

As part of your process of detaching... .May I ask, where do you want to end up as you go through this process? Do you want to paint all women with a broad brush/negative perspective? Or do you want to get clear about the features of this illness and how it impacted you both and get ready to watch for it more carefully next time so you can possibly avoid it?

As a woman I can say I was not awesome every day of my various long-term relationships... .but I did the best I could at the time and I always hope to do better. What do you want to do?

[Skip]

I know it’s vindictive and a desperate play to secure the replacement who has his own issues. I also understand it validates my belief that my wife is battling a mental illness which should make it easier to process this.

I’m processing the end of the marriage, not seeing my son and dealing with the loneliness associated with it.  

It's a really hard time right now. And for any breakup, but especially a marriage, having another man fully on the scene and taunting you is a nightmare. I know when my relationship ended, I feared running into her with a new beau. Your situation is so much worse.

Rejection is painful. Ending a marriage is a huge stressor. The lifestyle change is night and day. And then there is the distance from the children.

I know I focused on mental illness when it was over - its how I ended sponsoring this project. I'm not sure your list is going to help you diagnose.  You might try this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

it validates my belief that my wife is battling a mental illness which should make it easier to process this ~ TurbanCowboy

Sometime in the upcoming months you might want to try and determine what you are really dealing with in a serious way. Why, because you children are living full time in her orbit. Knowing what is going on with her (e.g., BPD, ADHD, NPD, Mood disorder, etc.) matters because there are different tools for these different conditions and both you and your children and going to need to know them to come out of all of this with any chance or being mentally healthy.

For example, if its traits of BPD and she doesn't parentify the childen, you are probably ok with the visitation you have. If, however, she is higher up the spectrum or depriving your son of being a child by putting him is adult situation, you are really going to want to have 50% visitation.

Things on your list that are concerning... .

1. Obvious Abandonment issues. Is she going to seek adult help from your son when she has relationship problems... .dial him in on her emotions and anger toward the others. This is really hard on child development.

2. A history of physical violence (hitting, throwing things). This is obvious concerning for child if she can't contain her anger.

3. Black and white thinker, your the best one moment and a total loser the next This is obvious concerning for child if she can't contain her anger.

9. Will ruin your birthday if you don’t react the way she wanted you to react to a present or birthday cake. Makes it about her feelings not yours. This is obvious concerning for child... .this is "Mommie Dearest (1981)" stuff.

11. Will engage in silent treatment that lasts for days This is obvious concerning for child... .this is "Mommie Dearest (1981)" stuff.

[TurbanCowboy]

Did she say this as a justification for all of that?

She used to say if I wanted vanilla I should have married a white girl,  If I didn’t want drama I should have married a man.

That “woman” comment was more directed to Skip, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, just didn’t think self harm had to be part of the equation.  If it’s not BPD, what is it.

I’ve never met anyone where I’d literally put my head in my hands and thought, “wow, what is wrong with this person.”

There is something very wrong with my wife.

[Turkish]

She used to say if I wanted vanilla I should have married a white girl,  If I didn’t want drama I should have married a man.

Those are mildly funny Facebook memes. In a r/s, especially a marriage,  not at all.   

[Meadowslark]

Hi TC. I can assure you, this behavior sounds like BPD, not "being a woman". There are many, many women on this board and in life that do not act this way. Some men with BPD DO act in this way, however.

(source) My sister is BPD, I am not. My best friend's husband is BPD, and acts similarly to what you're describing with your wife.

Some of the behavior you've described sounds like BPD to me. Does the DSM diagnostic criteria sound like some of the things you've witnessed/noticed?

[lenfan]

That list is very serious but at least #20 gave me a chuckle. I get it all the time. I barely get to look at my phone before all the HELLOs start. I hadn't connected it to BPD but, after reading your post, I think it is pretty consistent.

I have a question for all those that referenced the DSM. To what extent do you think the DSM is lagging behind the actual consensus on what comprises this disorder? My own upwBPD is high functioning and would not seem to fit the DSM criteria. However, she so clearly fits the high functioning BPD Hermit as described in the leading books that it is uncanny. There seems to be a gap between the DSM and the literature.

"Walking on Eggshells" suggested we should not be so concerned with labels and diagnoses, but the behaviors and the best ways to respond. Still, it is helpful to have a name for things in order to let us know where to turn.