What are you doing today for self-care?

[pearlsw]

So, my feeling is we talk a lot about self-care but we don't always keep up with it.

So, I wanted to ask, what are you doing today in terms of self-care? (I say "today" to bring us to a present awareness.)

How would your rate your consistency with self-care on a scale of 0-5 with 5 being excellent?

I've had a long, hectic series of life eruptions and I lost my budding yoga practice. I'm home sick today so my self-care today will be about not neglecting to drink tea for my sore throat, eat hot balanced meals, and do Day 1 of a thirty day yoga challenge so I can hear a soothing human voice today!  

What about you?

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[Tattered Heart]

Sorry you're sick.  I turn into such a baby when I'm sick.

-Right now I'm reading a book called "How We Grow".
-I listen to podcasts about spiritual growth quite often
-I track my daily moods in a bullet journal to keep track of how I'm doing emotionally. It gives me a color coded view of my emotional stability. (I also track my H's moods to look for patterns between his mood and mine).
-I read fiction
-Netflix. Netflix. Netflix.
-Dinner with girlfriends once a month
-Shopping every 1 1/2 months or so
-Cuddling my dog
-Sometimes I just sit quietly
-Prayer and bible study
-I'm finally exercising on a very regular basis.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for highlighting this, pearl!  I'm pretty terrible at self care.  For so many years, I fed myself last.  Now I have more time, but need to develop the habit.  For consistency, I'd make my starting grade a "0."

Today, I will:
1.  Walk the dog
2.  Journal (and probably turn that into a post)
3.  Go to lunch and beers at a local brewery with work colleagues from my most recent job

[isilme]

I am always on here pretty much for neglecting self-care.  I have a lot of hang-ups about being sick, admitting I am sick, and being adamant about getting the rest I need when sick.  I lost my voice this morning  - It was a surprise as I'd not had a sore throat or been coughing, or even felt super allergic (I am ALWAYS allergic, but it was not especially strong yesterday).  I decided to come anyway into work to not miss the next item:

Today I am biting the bullet so to speak and joining a weight loss challenge at work - it's just a few of us doing it, and I think we've worked it out some people's private info stays private but we can still see percentages of progress.  It's to go for 3 months, and while I am not adverse to winning, I remember the last time I did something like this it helped me lose 20 lbs - which I now desperately need to do - I put on 40 during a bad period of stress, depression, and a bad couple of drug interactions, plus turning 40 and I need all the help I can get (also it may mean fewer people trying to shove donuts in my face!).

I am going to start going at least once a week to Zumba.  I was in my best shape during the few years I was a belly dance instructor, and I like that type of cardio far better than walking and I can't run for beans.  I love skating but a relative's sprial break injury last year has scared me from falling now that I am going to be 41. 

I am trying to get back to keeping my house to MY level of clean - Christmas is finally 95% packed, furniture is back where it belongs now that the tree is down, and if the weather agrees, I hope to put it into our storage unit out back this weekend.  My sewing tools will go back into my crafting area, and I am going to get H to finally let me take some old VHS tapes out of the house - I have been saving boxes and gently suggesting it for a while now.  Less clutter helps me feel more calm, and he wants to be able to set up the room we currently use for storage to be a better studio.  If it's a mess outside, I plan to maybe finish my book if I can, and maybe sleep some - even though I feel better than last week, I am very easily winded and very much tired and don't feel rested upon waking this week. 

I am going to try to not let H's depression, stress, and worries prevent me from doing things that are needed or that make me feel better overall.  He mocks things like Zumba - he thinks it's like slutty dancing in a club somehow, not totally uncoordinated people lucky to not hit each other in the face.  I can't let his misinterpretations stop me from taking back control of my weight.

[Tattered Heart]

Today I am biting the bullet so to speak and joining a weight loss challenge at work - it's just a few of us doing it, and I think we've worked it out some people's private info stays private but we can still see percentages of progress.  It's to go for 3 months, and while I am not adverse to winning, I remember the last time I did something like this it helped me lose 20 lbs - which I now desperately need to do - I put on 40 during a bad period of stress, depression, and a bad couple of drug interactions, plus turning 40 and I need all the help I can get (also it may mean fewer people trying to shove donuts in my face!).

Good for you. I'm sure you'll start to feel healthier in no time.

I'm also doing a 3 month exercise challenge at work. Started it at the beginning of the year and I feel great. Also got a fitbit and I"m a little obsessed with meeting daily goals and challenges. It reminds me to get at least 250 steps every hour, which helps me alot. My job can have me sitting at my desk for hours on end and I don't even realize the time has passed.

[DaddyBear77]

HEY pearls I’m so sorry you’re feeling sick. I hope the tea and hot meals do the trick. Chicken soup does the trick for me :-)

I’m also really glad you posted this, and it’s kind of an eerie coincidence that you’d post it today.

My self care is zero. Zilch. Nothing. In fact, I abuse my body and mind horribly. I eat greasy pizza and salted pretzels every night as I pass through the train station home. I’ve had problems with my skin and my spine for two decades and ignored them to the point where my foot doesn’t function properly and my hands crack and bleed daily.

Pretty messed up, huh?

So this morning I woke up (before I read this) and declared “today is the day.” I’m sitting outside in my car as I type this having just visited my wonderfull supportive and extremely kind GP. She sent in the scripts I needed and I’m on the way to pick them up. I’m looking for new therapists today as well. I’m also going to work out a new plan to eat much healthier and lose weight. Finally, I’m going to make the long-overdue physical therapy appointments to see if I can rehabilitate my leg and foot.

I think staying so long on the 0 end of the self care spectrum makes this kind of ramp up SEEM harder than it actually is. I’ve always psyched myself out of making the calls, showing up, and saying “help.” But the universe has a way of putting people in your path, and although there may be simple coincidences, I don’t think this thread, today, at this moment, is one of them.

So thank you.  

How about everyone else? Can you commit with me?

[Chippy]

Yes, thank you Pearl for highlighting this.  I like many others do not hold to self care nearly as much as I need to. I'd probably rate myself 3 out of 5 for wanting to, but only 1 out of 5 for actually holding to it.

Being a pretty strongly introverted person, "alone time" is a big part of my self-care.  To much time is social situations drains me greatly, so just time alone, no matter what I'm doing in important. This is also a struggle between me and my pwBPD, as she hears "I need to be alone" as "I don't want to be around you" and I suck at holding my ground, but we're working on it... .and I do have to say that we have made progress :-)

My other self-care things include:
-Reading and journaling (I read some, and then write my thoughts on it, and sometimes use that as a starting point for more writing) I just started "The gifts of imperfections" by Brene Brown, "The 4 Agreements" and "I hate you... .don't leave me" were also good books for this.

-Driving:  Just driving around, no particular destination... .it just helps me relax for a bit

-Healthy eating: This is one of the first things that goes out the window when I struggle... .But I try to prepare at least a few healthy meals during the weekend, and have them throughout the week... .otherwise many evenings I think about making dinner, but then can't get motivated and just end up getting fast food or something else bad.

-Talking about my struggles honestly: This is a new one for me, and a hard one.  I have spent years using the "I can just take it and shove my pain/confusion/etc deep down inside me" approach... .which of course doesn't work very well :-)  So this is my main focus now, and why I'm hear writing this.  I also started with a new therapist which I am seeing today (my previous therapist was... .unhelpful when it came to coping with swBPD)

But love and good wishes to you all.  I hope those of you who are sick get better quick :-)
And awesome start DaddyBear! I agree that it seems so hard to start things, and its so easy to put them off... .but little steps and little successes add up :-)

[isilme]

DB - not sure if this is allowed, but this is awesome for dry skin on hands and anywhere else - beeswax lotion bars from some Ren Fest hippie types



 www.naturecraft.net/.  They have lots of scents, I recommend Summer Sangria. Even H agrees it's not too "girly".  :D

Yes, thank you pearls for starting this thread.  I think I feel selfish needing to take care of myself.  I did have a friend recently ask if I felt I was putting a lot of myself into trying to manage H's newfound health issues - I think my tiredness is showing more and more.  Here's to hoping the planned exercise will help towards my insomnia as well :D

[Waveney]

Thanks Pearl for bringing this up. I hope you soon feel better. I am a disaster at self-care having been brought up in the “don’t make a fuss/don’t be silly” mold. But I know that I will be useless to myself and my pwBPD if I don’t start it. So your post has inspired me to at least start to actively think about what I can do. Other people’s examples are good to see so thanks for those as well.

[lighthouse9]

Thanks for bringing this up, Pearl!

I'm usually pretty good about self-care and have been decent at it through this whole separation process.

My usual go-to self care:

Exercise
Star Trek (love to zone out to a good, wholesome episode)
Reading
Play my guitar
Hang out with neighbors
I've been doing an 8 month prayer practice self-retreat thing
I'm also in a 90 day coaching program - a "confidence intensive" thing
therapy
cooking good food
eating junk food (and not getting upset about it)
hanging out on these boards
re-connecting with friends and family

Tonight will be my first night in the house by myself since my wife just moved out. I'm worried about going home to an empty house, as much as I'm looking forward to the space. Thus, tonight I'm going to do the following (at least):

Let myself cry without self-judgment
Eat whatever I want (might grab takeout on the way home, to make it easy)
Watch Star Trek
Read for my confidence intensive class (I'm behind on this week's readings)
Cuddle my cats
Maybe talk to a friend or neighbor
pray

I've also already set the boundary that my wife and I not talk until tomorrow morning and I let her know that I'll decide then if I want her to come back to pick up more stuff or not. I might just want some space and not have to keep doing this pull/push over and over.

Tomorrow, I'll probably clean the house and wash my sheets (there's nothing like clean sheets) and get in a longer workout, then I have some work to do that I might take to a coffee shop or something, if I'm feeling up for it. I'm definitely going to try to sleep in though - I haven't been getting much sleep lately, even when taking Tylenol pm, so I definitely want to try to catch up. Oh - and I've got a great audiobook that I'm listening to - it's a fiction story that's really riveting and it has me so drawn in that I can actually not think about my situation for a little bit when listening. I also might try to get to church tomorrow night.

Thanks for starting this thread!

[Chippy]

DB - not sure if this is allowed, but this is awesome for dry skin on hands and anywhere else - beeswax lotion bars from some Ren Fest hippie types



 www.naturecraft.net/.  They have lots of scents, I recommend Summer Sangria. Even H agrees it's not too "girly".  :D

Yes, thank you pearls for starting this thread.  I think I feel selfish needing to take care of myself.  I did have a friend recently ask if I felt I was putting a lot of myself into trying to manage H's newfound health issues - I think my tiredness is showing more and more.  Here's to hoping the planned exercise will help towards my insomnia as well :D

Definitely this ^^^^
It seems like many of us might struggle with this, feeling guilty or selfish for taking care of our own needs. Its even harder when people in our lives might take advantage of that. (It makes me wonder if most of us don't have at least a little bit of co-dependency issues to begin with)

[pearlsw]

Tattered Heart - Thanks! I wish I got to be the baby once in awhile! Never happens! That’s interesting about your mood tracking! Lots of wonderful hobbies - I wonder how you find the time!

Wentworth - Hope you are having a happy, peaceful day! A zero! Uh-oh! Time to stop and care for you!

isilme - Wow! Bellydancing! Fun! I did some such classes years ago - those are tough! Your description of Zumba gave me a chuckle! You are a real inspiration for keeping your life up like this!

Good luck on the exercise challenges!

DaddyBear - Oh my! I would love some chicken soup! No dice today!  Oh my! Take care of those hands! Oh, you poor dear! You make me worry, but it sounds like you are putting yourself on a better path. I am with you! I commit to better health - better everything! My feet have sympathy for yours - I have a lot of foot pain myself…long story…

Chippy - me too! I’m an introvert and I was losing my mind last week with not enough quiet, alone time to recharge so when I am around other humans they mistake me for being charming.  hee hee. You inspire me to with getting honest about your life situation! I hear ya…I hid way too much for way too long! Love and good wishes back atcha!

Waveney - Great and thanks! Yep. We are stronger when we are together here and being real!

lighthouse9 - Wow! This is a big night for you! I love when folks list stuff out…it really makes me think and challenges me to do more for myself! Oh you’re welcome! Thanks to all for sharing…hopefully more folks will be by - it is so nice to get to know each other better!   

Maybe we ought to check in like this once a week, in a shorter form perhaps…?

[Chippy]

Doing this regularly sounds like a great idea Pearls, and once we get going we can just focus on maybe one or two things we worked on (or struggled with) that week... .so we don't have to try to stuff everything in a single post :-)

[pearlsw]

Hi Chippy, I like the idea too! I wonder if we should take turns posting something on this theme? I have a feeling we need weekly reminders to check on this stuff and hold ourselves accountable. You want to do it again next week?

[foggydew]

I think this is a great idea, and I enjoy reading all the things you do for self care.

[pearlsw]

Hi foggydew,

Super. Now there are three of us who can take turn on this each week gently nudging each other to be good to ourselves. Are you and Chippy both in?

[Perdita]

Self-care for me is about work now and earning more.  My income has taken a massive knock since I got involved with my bf. The other day I came across an old bank statement. The date was 3 months before I got involved with him.  I know my finances have gone down the drain since I met him,  but that statement showed me that it is much worse than I thought. I need the feeling of financial security and the control it gives me over my own life. I am off to a great start, but have a long way to go.

[pearlsw]

Hi Perdita,

Thanks for sharing! I hear ya, getting my financial independence back is huge for me. I know it is hard work to rebuild but it sounds like something you are feeling good about so far. I hope things keep looking up for you!

warmly, pearl.

[Perdita]

Thanks Pearl. It will give me more independence and from there we shall see. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls, what a great thread topic, thanks!

I will upgrade my level of self care from a 1 when I first came to the board to a 3.5. My self care practices:

- exercise (Used to be inconsistent, now a solid 3 workouts per week during lunch hour at my office gym, it's great!)
- listen to music
- read Stephen King on metro ride home
- making seeing friends a higher priority
- snacks on the weekends

A higher level of self care also includes letting myself cry in the shower or bathroom when it gets too much. This is extremely important because it strongly effects how I interact with others.

Before I knew about my wife's BPD we built a unspoken dynamic that she's a martyr for taking care of the kids at home and I"m a king for having a job where I can be free so I tended to make any time at home into self punishment of nonstop home care with no time for myself. My next goal is to try and get out of this mindset so that I feel more OK with having good things / more time for myself.

[Radcliff]

Before I knew about my wife's BPD we built a unspoken dynamic that she's a martyr for taking care of the kids at home and I"m a king for having a job where I can be free so I tended to make any time at home into self punishment of nonstop home care with no time for myself. My next goal is to try and get out of this mindset so that I feel more OK with having good things / more time for myself.

Roland,

This sounds very familiar.  Your efforts to change this dynamic are very wise.  I don't know how old your kids are, but one way I sometimes had success making home care tasks more fun and less lonely for me was to get the kids to "help" me.  A lot depends on the ages of the kids.  For example, with younger kids, you can figure out about 90% of a home repair, and then invite them to be with you in the last 10% where you end up looking like a brilliant dad   Once they hit 11 or 12, their brains take a leap, and they actually can provide helpful ideas during repairs.  Just extending an invitation is good, even if they don't say "yes."  They will feel you like to be with them.  If you get turned down when you invite them to do a cleaning chore or to straighten the garage, accept their decision, but as you're doing the chore, feel some satisfaction that you were a good dad to invite them.

You can see how deep into it I've been when my idea of "fun" is taking care of kids.  If you can manage to fling yourself into a hammock and read a novel, do that, too!

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Great ideas, WW, thanks!

They are still 4 and 2, so getting them to put toys away is already a big help, but I'm trying to include them in more tasks. My little daughter is already much better at this stuff than her almost 5 brother, haha. Sometimes he negotiates for ten minutes about putting one toy away when the box is right in front of him.

[Radcliff]

Great ideas, WW, thanks!

They are still 4 and 2, so getting them to put toys away is already a big help, but I'm trying to include them in more tasks. My little daughter is already much better at this stuff than her almost 5 brother, haha. Sometimes he negotiates for ten minutes about putting one toy away when the box is right in front of him.

Excellent that you are involving them!  Keep it up!  You are in for some real fun with your daughter in a year or two.  At ages 3-4, their imaginations are incredible!

Perhaps your son will become a lawyer! 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi pearls,

What a great topic!  I can say I am pretty much a 0 on this, however I gave myself a day off everything recently and it was heavenly.  Not only did I feel benefit at the time, but the effect on me following this was marked and it goes to show that taking the time to make efforts with this pays real dividends.  Something I am going to continue reminding myself of.

So my day of 'me time' included:

Getting up when I felt like it.

Half and hour of mindfulness meditation.

An hour of yoga.

A soak in a bath which contained a bath bomb from Lush handmade products (do you guys have this brand?) which was called 'Metamorphosis' and was perfect as it started off grey on the outside and when it hit the water a rainbow of colours burst forth, which filled me with delight as I'd had no idea it would do that 

Doing little jobs around the home that were things which had been annoying me, so one by one removing things that could continue to affect me.  (My environment really influences my mood, so calm, clear home = calm, clear HQ)

Reading a book because I wanted to (not for homework) and because it offered something that would be beneficial for my own growth.   

Finishing a painting I'd left undone for a couple of weeks, and a pastel drawing which had been sitting there for longer.  Felt a sense of accomplishment and was happy with my work.

Watching a feel good film and crying tears of joy.

Catching up with a couple of friends by text and chatting, rather than sending the odd message on the hoof, so I actually took time to listen and respond with interest.  It felt good to connect properly.

What I realised is that when we give time to ourselves instead of other things, we can achieve a great deal.  I was amazed how much I fit in to this time and how many things that I craved were actualised.  The rejuvenation from doing this was undeniable.  Although I don't see myself realistically devoting a full day every week to myself like this, the take home for me was that I really ought to and can potentially fit at least some of this into every day.  I have a chronic pain condition and relaxation, meditation and yoga are key parts of how I am supposed to manage that.  If nothing else, I want to commit to doing these on a regular basis.  Perhaps failing that, then every so often a 'me time' day is going to have to be scheduled to catch up.  This is not 'nice to do' stuff.  It is essential for well being.

Love and light x

[SlyQQ]

I'm off to see a movie with my step daughter and her friend ( the one without BPD though she may end up coming to)

I really miss reading , i used to read a lot bur haven't been able to do more than start a book for the seven years since it all happened.

[Radcliff]

Wow, HQ, I'm not sure I've ever put together a day like that for myself!  Bravo!

SlyQQ, yes, I've been away from reading for too long, too.  But I just received "Flight of the Intruder" in the mail, after being inspired to read it by a friend, and it is sitting awaiting me!

WW

[lighthouse9]

Self-care for today: Working from home.

My boss is pretty ok with me working from home at least once a week, and I haven't been doing it much because I've needed to get out of the house and "keep moving." But, I've also been exhausted, and working from home means that I can sleep in a bit and move a bit more at my own pace, while chipping away at some household tasks like laundry and even vacuuming when I need a five minute break.

I had my own counseling plus a brief check-in with my separated wife last night, so I made the decision to sleep in a bit this morning and work from home in order to take some pressure off.

Things I'd like to do today:

Clean this house! It's a big space to manage by myself, though I have been kind of responsible for cleaning it for the past two months while my wife was checked out.

Watch some fun tv.

Say hi to a neighbor.

Cross some important things off my to-do list, so it doesn't stress me out anymore.

Go on a walk if the weather permits.

Tomorrow:

Finish up the last of a big project that is due (in the evening)

Watch some tv

Maybe connect with a neighbor again or even go out to play some pool or something.

Saturday:

Start working on some of the tasks around the house that need to be done in order to completely move my wife out (she left a bunch of stuff here) and prepare some rooms for painting, so she can do the work she said she would do.

Get outside or to the gym or workout at home.

Play my guitar.

Call my sister

That's about as far ahead as I can get right now!

[Radcliff]

lighthouse9, that's a great list!  Yes, working from home can be a great way to take the pressure off.  Getting up a little later, not having to get polished for the office, being able to run a load of laundry to catch up, all good!  Catching up with neighbors is good, too.  I've been walking the dog more lately, and it's provided some opportunities to catch up with folks in the neighborhood.

WW

[lighthouse9]

Thanks WW!

If only the weather were better here, I'd be at the driving range! Your quote is perfect and is exactly why I tell people I like golf - you'll NEVER master it. You just have to keep playing, and enjoy it for what it is.

[Radcliff]

Thanks WW!

If only the weather were better here, I'd be at the driving range! Your quote is perfect and is exactly why I tell people I like golf - you'll NEVER master it. You just have to keep playing, and enjoy it for what it is.

I agree!  I will certainly never master it!

WW