The Journey Forward after Domestic Violence in My Marriage

[Radcliff]

Yesterday was three months to the day since my wife left our home on a domestic violence restraining order.  I have been spending a lot of my time in the last couple of days processing my feelings about everything, and in particular, about prospects for reconciliation.  This is a huge, complicated, scary topic, and the ultimate decision will set the course for the rest of my life and hers.  No pressure there, nope.

One of my most powerful tools for building understanding on a complicated topic is to write.  I would like to start doing that here.  I’ve sketched out half a dozen or so installments that I could post here every day or two, and between those posts on this thread, this bpdfamily could offer their thoughts and feedback.  My wife and I have a safe, stable arrangement now.  She has found another place to stay, and I have months to make a decision.  So please don’t feel pressured to offer me advice towards a decision.  But your thoughts on the process, on things I’ve written that resonate with your experience, or emotions or factors on my road ahead that you may see that I am not, that feedback would be priceless.

Let me start off with the first thought:

IT’S JUST AS MUCH ABOUT ME AS IT IS ABOUT HER
I think of how we are when we arrive here -- travelers in a storm, bursting into a cabin to find other sheltered travelers in a circle around a fireplace, talking about their experiences in the storm.  Some are still dripping on the floor, some are damp, and a few look like they are almost completely dry, yet have stayed to help.  One of the latter looks like he might have built the place.

When I stumbled through that “door,” sopping wet and disoriented, last summer, I was in the middle of trying to halt a progression of domestic violence and control by my uBPD wife against me.  I wanted to stop her behaviors.  I wanted to control her actions and get them to be more healthy.  I learned about boundaries; I can control my actions but not hers.  After weeks of patient support by members and staff here, I realized that my boundary enforcement required a restraining order to get my wife out of the home and into treatment.  I planned it like I was planning a battle.  Lots of research, use of overwhelming force, the element of surprise, use of specialized assets, contingency planning, care of the wounded, everything.  It had to succeed.  Failure could have been catastrophic.  If my wife decided to strike first, I could have found myself out of the home and falsely accused.

The immediate results were pretty amazing.  My wife realized that her life as she knew it was threatened, and reacted constructively.  She went down the path I’d engineered, signing up for 1:1 DBT, a DBT skills group, and a 52 week batterer program.  She got an apartment.  She respected the restraining order.  We collaborated care of the kids.  Friends and relatives supported us both.  That is when my plan ran out.  There are so many unanswered questions about the road ahead, and the ultimate destination.  One of my implicit assumptions, that I knew to be magical thinking even at the time, was that I’d deliver my wife to experts and they would “fix” her.  I further thought that there would be semi-objective criteria, such as around accountability, that experts could use to tell me when my wife was “safe” and we could rebuild.  I was focused on when she would be better.  When she would be ready to be a full parent and partner, so we could build the marriage we both deserved.  I have realized over the recent weeks that I left out half, if not more, of the equation.  Me.  Sure, I knew I’d have to heal, and that I’d have a journey myself.  But I had no idea of the magnitude.  It is starting to become clear how big, and how difficult of a personal journey I am on.

To be continued... .

RC

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

That is when my plan ran out.  There are so many unanswered questions about the road ahead, and the ultimate destination.  One of my implicit assumptions, that I knew to be magical thinking even at the time, was that I’d deliver my wife to experts and they would “fix” her.  I further thought that there would be semi-objective criteria, such as around accountability, that experts could use to tell me when my wife was “safe” and we could rebuild.  I was focused on when she would be better.  When she would be ready to be a full parent and partner, so we could build the marriage we both deserved.  I have realized over the recent weeks that I left out half, if not more, of the equation.  Me.  Sure, I knew I’d have to heal, and that I’d have a journey myself.  But I had no idea of the magnitude.  It is starting to become clear how big, and how difficult of a personal journey I am on.

Hi RC,

I am reminded of a zen saying, "everything happens exactly as it does." I know that might not sound like much but somehow repeating that a few times eases me into remembering that life unfolds... .Things that seem impossible and unclear suddenly change before our eyes. (I need this advice for my own life.)

I think you will find your way on this part of the path exactly as you do with all of the wonderful life lessons that will you will encounter along the way. Never give up on the wonder and joys of life. Your life is going to get better... .whatever interesting turns it takes on your journey. Stay open to life. Embrace it. Be glad for it all - the good and the bad and the everything.

take good care and please do your self-care, pearl.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RC-

I'm sorry that you and your family have gone through this experience and this pain.  I understand firsthand, the DV experience.

I'm sorry that I do not know your story, but I'm guessing that leading up to the incident three months ago, you've endured some years of harsh BPD-related behaviors.  And this separation may in fact be one of the first real "quiet" periods you've had for reflection?  If so, having this quiet may be finally allowing you to really process what you've been going through... .what you've "accepted"... .and it's sometimes hard to face ourselves.

At this point, it may be ONLY about you.  And your kids.  And not at all about your wife.  Because I'm (again) guessing, that before it was normally all about struggling to keep things balanced for her.  You deserve this time.  To heal, to fill your soul, to regain your strength and to listen to your own thoughts.  Sometimes I ask myself... ."are these my own thoughts I'm thinking?" 

And yes... .write your stream of consciousness thoughts.  That's a good start to your next steps.  But RC, maybe ease the pressure a bit, not all decisions we make have to be for the rest of our lives.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[heartandwhole]

Hi RC,

Such eloquent writing. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is indeed a very deep one, and I think every person on this site can resonate with it in one form or another.

What struck me right away reading your inventory here is that your situation is a perfect example of why excessive caretaking and/or codependency can be unhelpful, if not harmful, to people and families.

Giving back responsibility to adults for their lives can be empowering. It can also be extremely difficult—for both the person and the loved ones around them. And, as you say, taking responsibility includes you.

Keep pondering these questions and feeling your way toward inner freedom, RC. You and your wife are growing and changing. It's okay to not know. In fact, I'd say that that space is the most fertile for positive change. I'll piggyback on pearlsw's comments and paraphrase a Zen saying: Who knows if it's good or bad?

Keep going. I hope pleasant surprises await.  

heartandwhole

[Lakebreeze]

RC,
This was touching. Deep. I read it late last night and found myself pondering your analogy all day today. It is so true!
Thanks for sharing. I'm waiting on your next installment
Lakebreeze

[babyducks]

Radcliff -

what a great post.   what a thoughtful approach.    I am not a touchy feely kind of person but here it comes:

 

wow - I almost never do that.

there is so much in your post.   so much that warrants attention, I hope you will forgive me if I only pick up on one small piece of it.

I left out half, if not more, of the equation.  Me.  Sure, I knew I’d have to heal, and that I’d have a journey myself.  But I had no idea of the magnitude.  

healing.    

long story short,  I only had one episode of violence in my relationship,  nothing like what you experienced, but I ended up with a broken bone which required surgery and 4 pins and a plate to put together.

there was a physical healing that needed to take place to be sure.   but there was also a deeper healing that needed to happen, beyond emotional, I would almost call it a soul healing.    I would almost describe it to you as if my soul had developed a muscle memory.   an automatic flinch response.    I think it was broken trust.    there were parts of me I was no longer willing to share with my partner.   because I had this subconscious muscle memory and flinch response.

at one point I thought healing was about mending the broken bone and physical therapy.   and I did that and all is good, but it's not the same.

and then at the next point I thought healing was about changing the emotional energy from all that negative gnarly stuff to something more positive and it was.  but I don't see things with the same eyes anymore.

and then at the last point I thought healing was repairing the soul.    and it was.   my experience has been that violence changes things at a primitive almost primal level.    all the will power in the world can't makes those changes go away.   in some ways I am less than I was and in many ways I am more than I ever was.    I like to say my emotional structure has changed.   and it has.  for the better.  

my two cents

'ducks

[Radcliff]

pearlsw, Gemsforeyes, heartandwhole, Lakebreeze, and babyducks, thank you so much for your replies.  'ducks, I think you characterized things very well, thank you so much.  Here is the next part.

THE DAMAGE DONE
I feel awkward writing this part of the story.  It feels like whining, or appealing for sympathy.  But in order to tell the whole story, in order to figure out the path forward, I have to understand the damage that has been done.  I am constantly inclined to minimize, to compare my situation to those who have it worse, and to make sure to not to forget all of the good things.  There were many good things.  My wife is an interesting, strong, capable, beautiful person.  She has created wonderful times for our family, and during good periods is very intentional in how she shapes our daughters.  Our friends seek out her advice.  She is super smart, and a fantastic writer.  She has supported me in some very difficult times, and in many regards has been a patient teacher as I’ve matured as a husband and father over the years.

BPD traits were evident in our relationship when we first started dating 30 years ago at the age of 19.  Gradually, over time, unhealthiness grew into abuse, with the abuse jumping up to a new level during major life changes and staying there.  Verbal abuse was joined by assault and controlling behaviors.  Starting 10 or 15 years ago, my work clothes, laptop, cell phone, wallet and keys became targets, so I had to hide things during dysregulations to make sure I could go to work.  Divorce threats and threats to take away the kids were common.  Verbal abuse was a way of life.  A rare assault would sometimes happen.  I remember when D12 was 1 year old, things were bad, and it seemed like it might be time to leave.  But I would sit cross-legged on my little daughter’s floor, with her sitting in my lap, as I read to her.  One night, sitting on that floor, I resolved to bear any burden so that I could continue to read to her every night.

Seven years ago, things got worse, and then worse again three years ago.  In the 15 months that I journalled before the restraining order, verbal abuse and sabotage of my parenting happened pretty much continuously during all but the whitest of times.  Intentional sleep deprivation into the wee hours of the morning, constant stress at home, and harassment at work were common, and affected my work seriously.  I eventually lost my job.  I was assaulted 35 times, threatened with a false domestic violence restraining order 14 times, and threatened with death 9 times.  Gaslighting was frequent.  I was told that I was incapable of having a relationship with my daughters and that they hated me.  She said everyone thought I was crazy, and threatened to call my family to have an “intervention” and have me placed on a 72 hour hold.  She threatened make my life a “living hell.”  If I had seen an exit that would have preserved my parenting, I probably would have taken it.  But she said she would claim that I was abusive and make sure that the kids “never slept under the same roof” with me again.  I stayed and tried to make things better.

There were many times when she did something or said something and I had a crystalline moment, realizing that even one of those things was fundamentally incompatible with any kind of marriage.  Each one made me think, “How could it ever work if she can do that?”  Words were among the most damaging weapons.  She ridiculed and threatened my parenting, my body, my work, my sleep, my value as a mate, my relationship with my family of origin, my sanity, our finances, and even my freedom.  I wrote down the things she said in my journal.  Just before the restraining order was served, I cut and pasted all of the hateful, demeaning, threatening, and occasionally homicidal quotes into a four page single spaced document.  The night before the order was served, in an attempt to avert it, I gave the list of quotes to my wife, hoping to elicit some empathy.  I told her I needed her help to heal from what had happened.  She threw aside the list and said it was my problem.  I have shown that list to a family member and two professionals with decades of experience.  All three were shaken.

Even towards the end, we still had some good times.  But all of the incidents combined together to create a nearly continuous experience of oppression.  Anything good could suddenly be taken away.  I felt unsafe in every dimension of my life.  I could not concentrate in meetings.  I would “zone out” frequently.  I was not effective at work or at home.  The tension was so high, I felt like I could drop dead from a heart attack at any moment.

My mind has been thinking that reconciliation should be possible.  If my wife’s DBT helps put the BPD in remission, if she can achieve accountability, I was thinking that I could forgive and enjoy growing old and grandparenting with her.  That is what I wanted.  It may still be possible, but while my mind still understands that, my feelings right now don’t.  I look at all of those crystalline moments, and wonder if I can get past them.  More than any assault, insult, or distortion, the one that comes to mind most is the first time she threatened to file a false domestic violence restraining order by saying, “I will make it so that you can never coach kids’ sports again.”  I have coached all three of my daughters.  It is a core part of my identity, learned from my father, who coached me.  It is my only activity outside of work and home.  She knows how much it means to me.  Who would do that to the person they are supposed to love?  How do you get past that?  I was thinking of these dozens of crystalline moments and wondering exactly what is keeping me from moving beyond them to prepare for reconciliation.  My primary feeling is not anger.  It is not righteousness.  It is not a desire to be seen as a victim.  I finally realized this afternoon that each time she did one of these things, she broke my heart.  I am heartbroken.

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Dear RC, both of your posts touched me deeply. I'm so sorry for all you and your family have gone through / are going through. There are many common experiences, and while I truly admire the action you took to protect yourself and your family, I'm sure it is also intensely painful for you. I know the feeling of heartbreak after the dust settles and the anger and fighting spirit fade away. 

I hope the best for your wife and her recovery. But like you said, the best you can do during this time is focus on you. This personal journey will be difficult, but I believe it will bring you revelations the last few decades of marriage have made impossible. Best of luck and hope I can be of support during this time.

[DaddyBear77]

Hey, RC, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now 

Here's the thing I observe when I read your latest post - feeling YOUR feelings is a GOOD thing. If you're anything like me, you probably spent most of your time together trying to ignore or suppress your feelings. It's the only possible reaction for our brains, I think, to push the horribleness down. Especially when we have this precious child in our arms, we want to stay and stay and stay. Which means more feelings and hurt being stuffed down. So feel your feelings now - it's about time!

You also describe things ramping up in stages - I think that's common, and probably plays a big factor in your decision to stay for so long. Something else I've learned is that we can't go back and make a decision yesterday with the information we have today. We can only decide what our future looks like, and sometimes that takes a while to clarify for us.

And finally, I applaud you for having the strength to continue to journal even in the midst of what was happening. I have tried to do that at various points, but for one reason or another, I stopped - perhaps, again, because it wasn't letting me stuff away my feelings properly. It's so great that you did that, and now look where you are.

I admire you RC - you're doing such great things for you and your family (and your wife too, I think). I'm sorry you're heartbroken. I hope it gets easier for you 

[babyducks]

My mind has been thinking that reconciliation should be possible... .
I was thinking that I could forgive... .
How do you get past that?  ... .

I am heartbroken.

Hello again Radcliff,... .

How much forgiveness do you think is possible?   How much is reasonable?    How much is realistic?   Is forgiveness finite?   Does it have limits?   What's the difference between forgiveness and complacency?    :)oes forgiveness mean I can't be angry, shouldn't have strong boundaries?    :)oes forgiveness mean I can be resolute about how and why I do some things but not others?

I am going to suggest that how you define forgiveness matters.    Everyone thinks they know exactly what forgiveness means,... .but can very seldom explain it.   I think we tend to talk about forgiveness by describing actions.   I will,   I could,   she did but I can.    Brene Brown (who is often on the crawl bar here) has her PhD in Shame.    I wonder if there is a PhD in forgiveness somewhere.   I wouldn't mind reading that book.    How does the mechanics of forgiveness work?

It's okay to be heartbroken.    Feels like #$% but it's okay.   Do you think we all ~fix~ our broken hearts differently?    Very early on, almost immediately after my relationship failed and my life was suddenly very different a friend said to me "you have no idea who you are going to be when this journay is all over do you?"    and I said "no", and he said "must be terrifying".    between you and I,  I thought he was a jerk to say that but he was right.

it's also okay to be angry, should that ever happen.   all feelings are okay.    it's okay to feel grief about the loss of a relationship that was very significant.     the feelings can come and go like waves upon a beach.   you don't have to hold on to one, because it's more positive or the more constructive one.    the way out is through.    

'ducks

[Enabler]

RC,

Great idea to write down your thoughts in manageable chunks for you and us to digest. This is certainly a monumental decision given what you have been through. As you well know, there is no risk free path for you to take. Many of us have hoped for the opportunity to recycle and in previous recycles I have relied on hope and blind personal adaptations that things would be 'different this time'. However, specific things have happened in your case, specific things that YOU have done to shine a clear light on her behavior. You have lived with threats to things you hold dear, access to your children, ability to coach your kids team, your home and even your life. Things are different now, things will be different going forward, there has been a paradigm shift in your relationship with your wife... .do these threats have any power anymore?

Academic work on oneself is good, healthy and goes some way to getting yourself to emotional freedom, but you will only experience true personal change when you practically apply what you have learnt. I can only speak from personal experience but when my anxiety increases when I feel a confrontation rising, that change from being reactionary led by old habits of FOG and JADE to an inner calm, being able to see through a situation... .it only comes with practice and time. You have the power of knowledge now, things cannot be the same unless you allow them to be.   

One of my recent favorite reads Toxic Parents has some great points about forgiveness of Childhood Trauma (is it any different?). The Christian stance is often a case of forgive and forget. The writer rejects this approach as just kicking the can down the road. It gives an approach for re-homing the emotional baggage of guilt and shame to it's rightful owner. She argues, it's not about forgetting but making people accountable... .and the perpetrator doesn't have to accept accountability, this is a YOU thing, not a THEM thing.   

Brene Brown has done some excellent TED talks on Trust as well which I guess is going to be a key cornerstone of your relationship you will have to rebuild in a new informed way... .you wouldn't trust an alcoholic with your wine collection but you might trust them to talk to you when they feel the need to have a drink.

We're all here for you RC

[lighthouse9]

Hey RC,

I'm really sorry to hear about all that has been threatened for you in your relationship. I read your first post this morning, while thinking about posting myself, and really identified with what you said about seeing your half of things.

What feels different now? It seems like you've been extremely clear about your boundaries and have passed on the accountability to her. I get the uncertainty though - the constant questioning of whether or not she's going to do something productive with it or if she can be the woman that respects boundaries in a relationship. I hear myself constantly saying "if she could just (fill in the blank)" and have had to really resist that need to fix her.

Where are you finding comfort or even calm in this place, where your boundaries are stated and are being enforced?

All the best,

-L

[snowglobe]

@wentworth
Wow, what a beautiful heartfelt adressing you’ve written. It shook and resonated with me to the very core. Upon reading “stop caretaking borderline narcissist” I’ve realized just how sick my uBPDh. On one hand it has helped me tromendously to depersonalize and stick to my boundaries. On the other hand it shone a light on a simple realization: he is ill and he will never fully recover. The latest pushed me into some depressing and defeating thoughts. I’m constantly questioning if I’m willing to spend the rest of my life living this way. According to the cycles described by Margalis in the above mentioned book you are simultaneously grieving and rebuilding. That’s quite a journey to be on, while trying to manage your household, job and your wife’s treatment.
I’ve followed your journey for a while, and it always amazed me, that even at your darkest hour your level of compassion was always high. You’ve come so far, and regardless of the outcome of your marriage, I imagine you won’t allow things to get back to where they were. I also understand, that most fundamental aspect of the relationships- trust isn’t there anymore. It’s exausting and debilitating to “sleep in a full armour” every day of your life. I’m struggling with it too. I don’t pass any opinions here, as I’m very early into my own realization and planning. What I do know for certain, is by intervening on her behalf, you have done her and your kids a favour. Even if you decide that you can’t tolerate the ambiguity of living with pwBPD, she will be in a better place as a parent.
The cycles I mentioned to you in the begging of my reply can’t be reversed. You are grieving. It’s a beutiful process of detaching and accepting. You already grieved for your wife, please, be so kind to take all the time to grieve for yourself so you can start rebuilding the life you want. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Radcliff,

I admire you for sharing with friends here. It's truly touching and inspiring that you're taking so much genuine care with your journey.  

There were many good things.

I felt unsafe in every dimension of my life.

These two comments really represent the emotional whiplash when there is abuse in intimate relationships.

I read something about how our task is to let go and take hold at the same time. Does it feel that way to you right now?

You planned for your wife's restraining order like a military operation, and that single-minded effort and control paid off. Now that there is nothing to fight against, and there is no clear plan, what are you feeling? If you were to give in to that feeling, what would happen?

I was thinking of these dozens of crystalline moments and wondering exactly what is keeping me from moving beyond them to prepare for reconciliation.  

Our problem is not that our needs were unmet, but that they are unmourned. This is a quote I have on my desk, but I'm not sure where it's from.

It seems like you might be struggling to let yourself grieve, and alternately, you seem to feel rushed to do so?

It sounds like it has been a long time since you have felt emotionally and physically safe. Now that you have created an environment for yourself in which you are both, how does it feel?

[Tattered Heart]

With heartbreak comes the need to go through grief. Your last few months has been so focused on your W, getting her help, taking care of your daughter, and providing stability. You are at a point when the crisis phase of all of this is over. Have you taken the time for yourself to truly feel all the feelings?

You have been through trauma, broken dreams, and extreme hurt. One of these experiences alone creates a need to go through the grief cycle.

How have you expressed, explored, went through:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Sadness

Acceptance

Each of these phases are nuanced in that you may move on from one part, but then see there are other parts still in a phase. And each phase can take weeks to months to experience it fully.

[I Am Redeemed]

How much forgiveness do you think is possible?   How much is reasonable?    How much is realistic?   Is forgiveness finite?   Does it have limits?   What's the difference between forgiveness and complacency?    :)oes forgiveness mean I can't be angry, shouldn't have strong boundaries?    :)oes forgiveness mean I can be resolute about how and why I do some things but not others?

I am going to suggest that how you define forgiveness matters.    Everyone thinks they know exactly what forgiveness means,... .but can very seldom explain it.   I think we tend to talk about forgiveness by describing actions.   I will,   I could,   she did but I can.    Brene Brown (who is often on the crawl bar here) has her PhD in Shame.    I wonder if there is a PhD in forgiveness somewhere.   I wouldn't mind reading that book.    How does the mechanics of forgiveness work?

The mechanics of forgiveness are elusive. I have heard that forgiveness is a choice, one I may have to make several times a day when the feelings get in the way. Forgiveness has less to do with feelings than it does with decisions. It also has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with the other person.
To describe my interpretation of forgiveness, I have to define what forgiveness is NOT. It is not a feeling. It is not letting the other person escape the consequences of or responsibility for actions and behavior. It is not allowing myself to be placed in the position to be harmed again in the same manner by the same person. It is not pretending that the incident/incidents never happened. It is not a state of mind where I never think of what happened or experience negative feelings as a result of what happened.
Forgiveness is not allowing the past to continue hurting me, not allowing bitterness or resentment to take root in my soul and affect my serenity. It is not conditional on the remorse or repentance or even recognition of any wrongdoing by the other person.
Now... .how does one go about achieving that? I'm still working on that part. Mostly I just make the statement to myself every day that I choose to forgive, and I release the past of the power to hurt me. Hurt feelings and heartache still surface. I just tell myself that I refuse to stay stuck, focusing on the negative. I can make a home in the depths of depression, really quickly. I will have cable TV hooked up in the pit of despair. I don't want to be that person today.
By no means have I mastered forgiveness, but I am trying. Maybe my head will catch up with my words one of these days and then my heart will follow. Until then I just do the best I can.
You seem like a compassionate, caring and kind person, ww. I sincerely hope you are able to work through the process of healing from abuse. It is not easy, especially for people who are used to focusing more on others than themselves.
It's OK to feel like you do. It's completely understandable. Be gentle with yourself and let the feelings come as they may. You do an excellent job of expressing yourself in words. That alone is helpful for the journey towards healing.
God bless you ww,
I Am Redeemed I

[Radcliff]

RolandOfEld, Daddybear77, babyducks, Enabler, lighthouse9, Snowglobe, livednlearned, Tattered Heart, and I Am Redeemed, thank you!  Your feedback has been amazing.  More than I imagined.  I will continue to come back to read and reflect upon it.  I have touched on all of the stages of grieving, and will continue to go through them as I process things.  That grieving may ultimately enable me to stay in my marriage, or to leave and be ready for a new relationship.

INJURY AND OUTLOOK
I look at injury with the impatience of an athlete.  I will deny it until the pain is too great to ignore it, and I am anxious to get back in the game.  The thing that finally gets my attention, and gets me to carefully follow caregiver instructions, is when an injury threatens my ability to continue playing.  I hit that realization last Thursday.  My wife was texting me in a non-abusive but inappropriate way about a custody issue our lawyers are working, and shortly after, a well-meaning friend called me to passionately tell me how hard my wife is working, how much progress she has made, and how she’s doing everything I asked, while I curled into a ball on the floor and spoke very nicely to her to thank her for helping our family.  I held it together, but shortly afterwards I came completely unglued.  The next couple of hours were not like anything I’ve experienced, and removed any denial I might have been holding on to about having PTSD.

Another thing that weighs on me is the idea of going back to work while with my wife.  Last year, my wife was telling me that she was going to destroy me at work, that she would get me fired, and that she would call my boss and tell him what kind of person I really was.  She harassed me at work, and even texted to say that she was outside the building ready to come in to talk to my coworkers about me.  Several times I bedded down on the garage floor at 1am because it was too late to find a hotel and she would have kept me up longer if I’d stayed in the house.  After I adjusted my job to 75% time so that I could lower the pressure and spend more time with family, the abuse intensified.  She said she was going to get me fired, and that I would have to find a high paying job immediately to afford all the alimony that I would owe her.  I eventually did get fired.  Of course, I own my work performance, but the way things happened makes me feel very reluctant, deep in my gut, to build a new work life with any sort of vulnerability to her.

I’m naturally a happy person.  My blue moods can typically be fixed by a tuna sandwich.  The world is a good place.  I’ve got confidence in my treatment plan.  I am absolutely going to love again.  But the depth of my injury makes me worry about getting back together with my wife.  I worry that even once I’m healed enough for a romantic relationship, I would need her to be nearly perfect.  I wonder whether I could ever relax and feel safe enough for us to have the marriage we should have.  I don’t want either of us to live with unattainable expectations.

My therapist specializes in domestic violence.  She sometimes counsels couples who have had a few incidents, in an effort to help them reconcile.  Her outlook is that there is no way that going back is a healthy outcome for me.  I asked her why, and she said that the shear volume of what has happened, and the level of controlling behavior, is just far beyond anything she sees as recoverable.  She feels like all of the DBT and my wife’s efforts could pay off and give us a successful coparenting arrangement.  I was evaluated by another therapist for PTSD.  He was even more expressive, giving me the line, “I almost never say something definitive like this, but…” run away.  He is old school, and surely not up on DBT effectiveness research.  But he is also the only person besides me who has ever seen video of my wife assaulting me, and the look in her eyes and contempt in her voice as she continued to trap me in the bathroom after assaulting me.  I needed someone to see this.  I know that DBT can heal someone, that she can learn better skills to prevent things like this.  I don’t know what the next months of healing may bring, but right now I’m having trouble wrapping my head around how I could feel safe with my wife without resorting to my old tricks of denying and hiding the harms, which I will no longer do.  I don’t feel bound by the opinions of these two therapists, but their assessments do matter to me.

I don’t know what will happen yet.  There are several more installments of this story to complete the picture of where my mind and heart currently are, and then there will be more time after that to heal and process.  I am trying to pay attention to feelings and my body.  For now, I know what when I think about getting back together with my wife I feel tight in my chest.  When I think about moving forward in a relationship with her, when I concentrate on envisioning that future, I feel like a car that has come to a halt as its engine seizes.

RC

[SunandMoon]

Dear RC

I just want to start by saying what a beautiful and caring man you are... .And how lucky your wife is to have you. Your posts shine with honesty.

What I am hearing in these posts seems to be a sense of urgency. Almost like you are telling yourself you have to "get over this" so you can be there for your wife or be ready to reconcile.

There's no "getting over this". You have been through years of terrible abuse. It is part of who you are and it will inform all your decisions in the future.

What would happen if, for the next 2 days, you take all thoughts of reconciliation off the table. Just push those thoughts away (you can explore them again after a couple of days). But just for now, allow yourself to consider a different future for yourself. How does that feel?

[Radcliff]

Thank you, SunandMoon, for the kind words, and for encouraging me to take some time to process, not bound by one particular future.  That is exactly what I need to do.  I’m continuing this thread by looking at reasons on my mind towards “staying:”

REASONS TO STAY
* To pursue the dream of “happily ever after,” having one marriage, one story, that spans my life, and growing old with the mother of my children
* To avoid failing at one of the most important endeavors in life.  The other face of it is that it is hard for me to turn my back on any glimmer of a chance at success.  I water dead plants, hoping they will sprout.  If I leave, I may wonder what could have been.
* Because we have a shared history
* Because a breakup would make family gathering more difficult -- vacations with all three daughters would be tough to arrange, visits to eventual grandkids, etc.
* To avoid hurting the kids
* To avoid hurting my wife
* Fear of the breakup process

Notably absent from the list above are, “Because I am in love with her,” and “Because I envision a wonderful day-to-day life with her.”  Could we find true love?  Possibly.  Could we have a wonderful day-to-day life?  Possibly.  But right now, that is not what my gut feels.

Those top three reasons, one marriage that lasts a lifetime, avoiding failure, and a shared history have less of a grab on me than they used to.  Those three reasons are worth an essay of their own.  I’ll likely do that one next.

Fear of hurting my kids still weighs on me fairly heavily.  Fear of hurting my wife weighs on me more than I think it should, and fear of the breakup process is there, but I could power through it.

I had what felt like an epiphany while walking the dog this afternoon.  I am having a hard time letting go of how nice and logistically easy it is to spend time as a family of five, including our three girls.  But they are getting older (12, 17, 19) and will be starting their own lives anyway.  I am looking at the potential for saving a first marriage, with easier logistics, but more day-to-day risk to my health and happiness, compared to a potential second marriage someday that might have better daily health and happiness, hopefully even “true love,” with extra work on logistics to spend time with grown children.  It seems like there’s a danger that I could pick familiar patterns and easier logistics at the expense of health and happiness, and that does not seem like the direction I want to head in.

I am having two other thoughts this afternoon.  The first is that I continue to want to invest in myself and my relationship with my children rather than my relationship with my wife.  The second is that in recent days my sadness and loneliness has been lifting.  I am more interested in taking care of myself and the house, and more able to connect with the kids.  As I gain confidence with the current arrangement I am starting to envision the coming year.  When I envision it living singly, I feel feel more peace than I do when I envision rebuilding the relationship with my wife over the next year.  That is a surprise to me.  It was not my original plan.  I’m going to sit with that for a while.

RC

[Lakebreeze]

RC,
Thank you for sharing your journey with such soul baring honesty. Your resilience is amazing. Matched only by your compassion and kindness. I've said this before but your girls are so lucky to have you for a Dad.
It's inspiring how you have suffered so much yet refuse to be a victim.
Wishing you calm and peace as you continue your journey. You have certainly earned it.
Lakebreeze

[I Am Redeemed]

RC,
You are so insightful. Your list of reasons for still desiring reconciliation exactly match my own, except I have not managed to break them down so comprehensively or honestly. In fact, that list is exactly what kept me in my abusive relationship for so long, against every blaring red light that flashed with each intensifying incident. I am a stubborn person. I do not want to accept defeat, and so I did not (and still do not) want to let go of the notion (albeit "magical thinking", as you said before) that my husband could get the correct, effective treatment he so desperately needs and we could manage to "land the plane" that we had in the air. I also believe marriage is forever. I took my vows seriously, and when I said "in sickness and in health", I believed that included mental illness or mental health.
However.
I found that continuing on in the absolute horrific nightmare that became the reality of my marriage just was not an option... .I did not want to hurt my children, yet it became clear that witnessing ongoing abuse was causing damage to my s2. I already lost custody of my other children, D10, D9, S6, S5, and D4, due to violence in my relationship. We had just gotten a court date to initiate overnight visitation with our non-custodial children, and my uBPDh embarked on an incredibly destructive course of behavior that involved a relapse on drugs, psychotic episodes, intensive controlling, vindictive, suspicious and paranoid behaviors, and increasing rages which resulted in several dangerously violent incidents. He drugged me. He threatened me with a hatchet (while I was holding my s2). He hit me, pulled my hair, pushed me through a doorway, strangled me (again while I was holding my s2), he dug his fingernails into my ear, my ankle, and my hand, causing scars that still can be seen. He threatened me with a fireplace poker. (I actually forgot to include that in the police report I made. How does that attest to the level of insanity I was living with- that I actually forgot about being threatened with a fireplace poker.)
So. Here is the reality of my r/s now. My h is in jail, facing aggravated domestic assault charges. I requested that the court give him a mental evaluation. The result? He is competent to stand trial. Thanks, court. Thanks for that. I was hoping he would be court-ordered to attend an inpatient facility, one that could properly evaluate his mental health and substance abuse issues. I have been to one myself, because as I have posted elsewhere on this site, I am in recovery from a dual diagnosis of substance abuse disorder and major depressive disorder. I know that treatment and recovery is possible for him, which I suppose is why I am so frustrated and so reluctant to let go of my obsession with getting him the proper treatment.
But it is not my responsibility, and I am trying to understand that. Since he is my husband, I tend to think that everything concerning his health, mental health and well-being is my responsibility. My faith taught me that a husband and wife "become one." So it is very hard for me to take my hands off this wheel.
I get too overwhelmed when I consider the future. I have always liked to "know" where I was headed, regarding my goals for life and the people with whom I expected to share those goals. Having to adjust to a change in the cast of characters is like having to re-write the entire play. I don't even know how to envision it.
I can only manage to focus on one day at a time. In alcoholics anonymous, that phrase is posted on the wall: "One Day At A Time." In 12-step programs for addictions, people in recovery are encouraged to only focus on staying sober for the next 24 hours. Don't think beyond that. It is too overwhelming, and that is where a lot of addicts/alcoholics fail and relapse- we look too far ahead and the task seems too large and daunting. So we bring our focus back in to something manageable- the next 24 hours. That is how I have to approach the break up of my relationship. I post on the board of ":)etaching from a failed relationship", and that is the reality of my situation at this point. I mean, I have a restraining order, for goodness' sake. He is in jail, possibly facing prison. Yet some resistant part of me still is unwilling to close the door completely on the possibilities for the future. Divorce seems too final and scary. I can not even comprehend the idea at this point.
I just operate with what I know, concretely, to be true at this point in time within the current 24 hours, and that is this:
1. I refuse to endure any more abuse or go back into the hellish existence I was experiencing in my r/s
2. I am responsible for taking care of myself
3. I am responsible for taking care of s2
4. I can manage this for the next 24 hours
If I don't have answers for what will happen beyond that- well, I can live with that. For the next 24 hours.

I am so glad you are sharing this journey with us, RC. Your posts have really helped me reflect on my own motives, feelings, and strategies for healing. I also love how you refuse to accept a victim mentality. You have a strong spirit, and I am sure that whatever happens, you will come out of this victorious.

Take care,
I Am Redeemed

[RolandOfEld]

RC, thank you for sharing with such honesty. All hail the long form entry.

I completely understand the feelings / misgivings you are having about continuing your relationship with your wife now, and the idea of investing in yourself and your children first. A similar cloud began to lift for me recently when I realized that perhaps I could survive without having a partner to love me right now at this point in my life. I saw that now the well being of my children had already taken prominence over finding love, the goal of my 20's. This is something I still want for my life, but it is OK if it comes later, either in the form of my wife getting better or me finding a new partner someday. There is plenty to enjoy and be grateful for right now.

By all means explore these new feelings, whether they come to a big life change or not. That you have them at all shows that you're changing.   

[Radcliff]

I still owe a few essays to get my current thoughts recorded here, but tonight I'm going to take a break from that and give an update.  It was a rough day.  For background, my mom is visiting this week.  She has terminal cancer, and based on recent test results, we think may be about to take a turn for the worse, so this may be her last visit to our home.  Because of all the other stuff that's going on, I don't feel like I'm being very present for her.  I was not a good host today.  I'm going to try to do better tomorrow, since this time is precious.

The day started with a trip to the police station to get a report.  The folks in our small city police department are great, but just the visit there was a little triggering, since I'd driven there a couple of times in the middle of the drama last fall.  The main task for the morning was to proof read a letter from my lawyer to a newly appointed custody evaluator for D12 who is going to recommend whether my wife gets unsupervised visits and what percentage of parenting time we each get.  It's a letter of transmittal for the evidence we are giving her -- my journal summaries documenting my wife's abusive behaviors, plus 4-5 videos and an audio recording.  I have such mixed feelings about handing all of that stuff over.  It is horrible stuff.  I didn't hold anything back, just told the truth.  The amount of abuse in the journals is astonishing.  And the videos... .She knew I was videoing with my phone, and yet she still trapped me, she still assaulted me, she still said the things she did, still drew D12 into the conflict, with pure contempt on her face.  The fact that she did all of that knowing the video was running is a very bad thing.  It makes me feel bad.  It makes her look crazy.  It is an indication of a likely poor outcome, according to one therapist who watched the videos.  But mostly, I think about how it makes me feel, how it makes her look, and how it might make her feel or act to see the videos (ashamed? angry? wanting to lash out? contrite?).  I don't think my wife has any idea of the devastating thoroughness of what's about to hit.  If I were focused on vindication and vanquishing an opponent, I would be giddy.  But with empathy and a desire for everyone to find the healthiest path with as little pain as possible, I just have to put my head in my hands.  I can barely begin to imagine what it would be like if I had done the things she had done, and had this evidence presented against me.

As hard as it is, I am glad to be telling the truth and no longer hiding what happened.  I am glad to have an impartial expert help us determine what's best for D12.  I am thankful that in disclosing everything, I know that we will hit our lowest point, and there is nowhere to go but up.  There will be no more details hiding away.  I can put disclosures behind me, and start to heal.  My wife and her therapist will finally realize the totality of what happened, and they can use that in their work together.

It would have been nice if that was all that happened today, but there were a couple of other things.  Because of sports and activities, and the fact that she is on a training diet, D17 normally doesn't eat with us.  I asked her this evening to eat with us a few times while my mom is here, and she said "no" with a sneer and sense of entitlement that gave me a total flashback to the way my wife would behave.  I had to be alone for a bit, couldn't focus at dinner, and almost had a total meltdown.  I am saddened beyond words that we are about to send D17 into the world with this abusive and disgusting behavior towards others.  I am so, so, deeply angry at my wife for wasting the last few years with her abuse, when we should have had a united front in shaping D17's behaviors.  Instead, my wife modeled abuse.

With that backdrop, my wife texted me tonight, wanting to talk about our relationship.  My reply was terse.  But it could have been much worse.  I typed and then deleted so many other things.  That I had absolutely nothing to put into a relationship with her when I needed to focus all of my energy on my daughters.  How D17 was behaving exactly how my wife taught her.  And many other things.  But somehow I managed to hold my tongue.  What my wife texted me was this:

wife: "Can you text for a little while?"
me: "Sorry, not a good night.  Am going to read with Mom." (D17 had just yelled at me; I was filtering)
wife: "I really wish you would talk to me.  It seems like we have reached the point of no return."
me: "Relationship talk is outside the terms of the RO.  Let's focus on the custody eval stuff until it's done and then maybe I can catch up with your therapist." (I've done a couple of check-ins with my wife's therapist at my wife's invitation since my wife and I are not talking about our relationship yet).

It was interesting that my wife said that she feels like we've reached the point of no return.  I've simply been avoiding any relationship talk because I'm not ready for it, and we have no framework for it within the restraining order.  So I don't know if she's referring to her state of mind or her perceptions of my state of mind.  I may, in fact, have reached the point of no return.  Perhaps she senses this.  I feel a sense of anticipation/relief, sadness, and uncertainty that the idea of the relationship ending has been broached.  I am going to try to push any relationship thoughts out of my head until the custody evaluator completes her work this month.

OK, so that's all that happened today.  Not my favorite day.  Tomorrow will be better.  Thanks everyone for being there and listening.

RC

[Shojojo1]

Hi RC,

First of all, thank you for replying to my post and helping me, while you are going through your own hurtful situation.

I understand the magnitude of your immense journey to be taken... .to heal, to make life-changing decisions... .Those tasks are so vast, that it must be almost confusing. I’ve always found those moments of confusion the most painful. Maybe as painful as the storm itself.

I also understand your broken-heartedness. That feeling of your soul crushed into pieces, to a point that you can only lay low. But being the intellectual being as we are, we cannot stop thinking.

One of the most simple, but healing mantra that has helped me is:
“I did the best I could under the circumstances”
This mantra has helped me lift my soul to accept the past wholeheartedly.

A book called Love Is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky has also helped me pick up the shattered pieces of my soul. Highly recommended if you haven’t read it.

I wish you and your family a true serenity for healing.
Sincerely, Shojojo1

[pearlsw]

Hi RC,

I know it must be troubling to see D17 behaving in ways similar to your wife. All is not lost though. She has had and will have other influences in life. As she enters adulthood she will take this on for herself and make her way. I hear your fears, but good outcomes are also possible. Some people witness abuse or negative behaviors and vow not to repeat them in their own lives. She could still find that point, she has a lot of life ahead of her. Conversations around these things could make a big difference.

Also, she’ll be going to a college campus and be challenged on these issues by her peers and in her studies, with any luck, and she will enter the bigger context of the world outside of her home. All is not lost. As you gain your own strength you can continue to be a positive influence. And that is enough. You cannot control the outcomes or prevent her from feeling pain in life. Okay? Let life unfold.

The situation with your wife still has some road to it as well. You two may or may not choose to have conversations that either bring the relationship back together or lead it apart. I wish you gentleness with this process, that you can both ease your way through what you ultimately transition towards. You both deserve to find peace - together or apart. Be patient with life. Let it unfold. It is okay to feel more than one thing at once - being both pulled towards and pushed away from her. You will know in your heart and mind when a decision has to be made.

take care, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

RC,

I'm here to commend you on the approach you are taking here in breaking this whole thing into bite sized chunks for yourself.  I, as many others no doubt, am gaining a great deal towards working through past situations by reading your words and relating to your thoughts and feelings.  You have tapped into things that I had long locked away and it is good to be reminded of the way things were, as it is all part of what brought me to where I am now.  Strength and patience to you on this journey into yourself my friend.

My only message to you right now is to suspend any judgement of yourself or your emotions.  Accept yourself and your feelings with kindness, minus any labels or expectations.  You're doing tremendous work here and it is this considered and thoughtful approach that will undoubtedly allow you to reach conclusions that are right for you and feel comfortable.  Here with you as you walk this winding path.   

Love and light x   

[juju2]

w
i too am in the space of acceptance.  Is that the last stage of the grieving process.  i dont know.

for me, it means that it makes a clearing for... .
fill in the blank.

for me, it could be a new r/s, new beginning, new outlook, on r/s w my b/f dxBPD(separated since 3-4-17 ,
and we are in couples counseling, w T that has experience w BPD)

T suggests that we start over, w tiny steps, seeing eachother on neutral ground 1x week for coffee at starbucks or someplace like that, have new, lite conversations, like what you would have w someone you just met.  it may sound strange,
and i see a re-set happening for us.  we are creating from nothing, the past is gone, (we lived together for 9 yrs, together 10)

i like your plant analogy.
  Our r/s had become a toxic dying plant, his behaviours, my poor responses, a cycle that went downward that we couldn't restore.  The space and time since march has worked on both of us, like 2new sprouts:he is taking classes, i see reality around his economics, his spending, i see appreciation for me, willingness to be in counseling, being reliable in showing up for the counseling.for showing up early to our coffee meetings.  notice small changes like this week he sat closer to me, not farther.


my sprout: I lost 50 lbs, (not the good way, stopped eating, maybe one egg a day, when he told me in oct he was dating)  i have 40 more to go to be my ideal weight.  am taking art and weight /strength training at the comm college.  am being exposed to new energy, new ideas, new people.  am doing my 5th step friday in al anon, am of service in al anon, bring a mtg to jail 2-3 times a month; am open to new ideas, am not obsessively thinking about him, the r/s; am more concerned about others.  i see huge changes in both of us... .miracles really... .(also i am reading the book divorce remedy, how one committed person can change the r/s by working on themself, its been a great book for me, and these boards, have been instrumental!)

there is something powerful about me admitting i dont know.  i dont know what will happen.  i dont know if the r/s will work out.  i dont know what the future holds.  mostly, i dont know.  it's freeing me up to be a different person!

sincerely,  j

[Radcliff]

Shojojo1, pearlsw, Harley Quinn, and juju2, a huge “thank you” to all of you for your heartfelt replies, full of empathy, support, and wisdom.  I cannot tell you how much your words and sentiment mean to me.  None of what has happened would have been possible without bpdfamily.  I am glad to hear that all of this might be helpful to others.  And thanks for the book suggestions!  Here is the next installment... .

TOP THREE REASONS TO STAY TOGETHER
I said I'd come back to the top three reasons for staying together.  Here were the reasons:

* To pursue the dream of “happily ever after,” having one marriage, one story, that spans my life, and growing old with the mother of my children
* Because we have a shared history

* To avoid failing at one of the most important endeavors in life.  The other face of it is that it is hard for me to turn my back on any glimmer of a chance at success.  I water dead plants, hoping they will sprout.  If I leave, I may wonder what could have been.

I'll talk about the top two together... .

Single long marriage with a shared history -- I met a man a couple of days ago who had been married to his wife for 52 years.  Wow.  That was my dream.  I hear about long marriages like that, and still am in awe.  But I decided I can let go of the number.  If I were to find new love and make it last, it could go for 30 years.  That's a good run.  And I'm sure we'd quickly grow a wonderful history together.   If we are that cute old couple holding hands in the park, I think the story could be plenty wonderful with 30 years behind us if it can't be 60.

And now the third... .

Failing at the most important thing in life -- I thought about this today and realized that we have already been failing at this.  By not taking more drastic action despite the fact that my coping tools (the good ones and the bad ones) were not improving the situation, I perpetuated this failure.  So, whether we stay together or divorce, the failure has already happened.  It's up to me to define success and make that happen.  One aspect of success for me is serene, unconditional love.  I didn't know what this was when I was 19, but I have discovered it.  I want to be able to sit across from my partner, radiating unconditional love, and know that no matter what the challenge, we can get through it.  Know that even if she is upset, she still loves me, and she knows that I still love her.  This may sound idealistic, but I know I can deliver my part of that, and I know that is what I need to be happy.

What this boils down to is setting a very high bar for staying, and giving myself permission not to stay.

One other thing has been on my mind recently... .

ACCOUNTABILITY
Accountability by my wife for the violence and control has been at the front of my mind for months.  I thought that I could count on the batterer’s program somehow giving her a clean bill of health, or that someone could facilitate us coming to a shared perspective on accountability.  Perhaps that is possible.  But I’ve realized that accountability is her thing to do.  We’re three months post restraining order, and I haven’t seen it.  By some accounts, that’s still early, so she could come around.  But what I need to see to feel good is active accountability.  Her finding a way to reach into my life and take responsibility.  The most important way she could have done that is to take responsibility in front of our children at some level appropriate for each of their ages, to avoid making me be the odd man out for having taken action to save our family.  She has not done this.  I know that expectation of mine that she should have done that early on may be unrealistic, but honestly, I think it may be a show stopper for me.  I’ve decided I’m not going to chase her on accountability.  I made it clear early on that it was important to me.  She can figure it out and communicate it if she wants to.  Without a common perspective on the abuse, there is no future for us.

That’s it for now.  I’ll take stock and see what I might have left out.  We’re heading into a custody evaluation this week and next.  I do not know what to expect, but it will be emotional, and have a big impact on all of us I suspect.  It’s hard to predict much about the future with that right in front of us.  We’ll just have to go through it, come out the other side, and see how things look.

[livednlearned]

I do not know what to expect, but it will be emotional, and have a big impact on all of us ... .  It’s hard to predict much about the future ... .We’ll just have to go through it, come out the other side, and see how things look.

Radcliff, this really spoke to me.

I found the uncertainty and lack of control much harder to deal with than the abuse.

What is hard to predict is how you will feel at any one juncture. Emotions follow their own logic.

This tends to undo our best lists 

[SunandMoon]

RC you are truly remarkable! I hope these beautifully honest posts are helping you to work through what must be an incredibly difficult time.

To pursue the dream of “happily ever after,” having one marriage, one story... .

I think most of us want that when we marry... .I know I did. In fact, it's one of the main reasons I stayed in my first marriage well past its expiry date.

This belief in "happily ever after", "till death do us part" and yes, the sentimental memories of a shared history together kept me with my first husband for 21 years. Despite all the love and promises, he was incapable of change.

In retrospect, I gave him the best years of my life and, although I don't resent him, I wish I had let go of those romantic notions and given us both our freedom earlier.

I thought that I could count on the batterer’s program somehow giving her a clean bill of health, or that someone could facilitate us coming to a shared perspective on accountability... .
 Without a common perspective on the abuse, there is no future for us.

Whew, is that possible? I don't know. I wish that for you, RC... .I really do.

From my own experience with BPDh, an apology is almost impossible, let alone an honest accounting of his behaviours and acceptance of responsibility!

It's possible that she feels her participation in the programme and therapy is tacit accountability. What do you think?

I don't know how long it would take to effect that much change but I suspect it would take a long time, if ever. I guess it would depend on the person and how much they truly want recovery... .

We’ll just have to go through it, come out the other side, and see how things look.

That is such an awesome attitude! Good luck with the custody evaluation next week. I hope things go smoothly and you can get through with minimum stress x