step daughter diagnosed with BPD and possible my partner

[xander]

Hello,

I have beewn in a 5 year relationshipt with my partner raising my partners 2 children which are now soon to be
15 and 17 while raising my own son who will be 18. The 15 year old was diagnosed with autism 4 years ago.The 17 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD at the same time. We have had her in DBT for 3. Last year they had to move out and we now live sdeperate lives. I am mainly the target  but there have been moments when it has been my son. I have read sdeveral books and even partcipated in the DBT program for 1 year to be of sup[port. I had a very difficult time being told I had to " radically accept" the abuse and manipulation, but it wasx even more difficult to explain to my own son how to handle her attacks. I began to seek my own therapy and tried to set healthy boundaries for myself and my son. Once I felt confident enough to start setting these boundaries I was looked at as an obstacle to her success and they moved back to their town. I try to continue my relationship with my partner but it is very difficult. I love him and there are moments where in my experience I see the same traits in him. I have tried to seperate from him with no contact but I missed him dearly. I desperately wanted to heal from this experience and I continue to seek therapy which I have been adviced to cut ties, but I deeply love this man. I see the daughter 2 xs a week because I work for her father as well and the tension is high. She does not like my presence and will go to grave lengths to be #1 woman in her father's life. What are healthy boundaries for me to take for myself  but also keeping a respect that this is my partner's daughter. I unfortunately hold resentment towards her for the attacks and manipulation to remove me from her father's life. One minute I was the best mother in the whole world and the next there were pencils flushed down my toilets, shoved down my sink drains, fecal matter smeared on walls and toilets. urination on the clothes I folded for her, hiding of keys so I could not get my son to school, baseball games, lies to therapists, slamming her thighs when I hugged her father ect... .I do not want to live with this resentment and I need help how to handle this emotion. As of now I say hello and good bye in her presence. I am sure that hurts her father and I do not want that either nor do I want to live with anger.

Thank you

Thank you

[ForeverDad]

Is their father also in counseling so he can also learn communication and boundary skills?  You alone can't do it, he also needs to be a tower of strength and support for you, he is their father after all.  He needs balance in his parenting decisions so the adult relationship isn't left behind or allowed to suffer as a result.

[xander]

Yes, their father has been in DBT, autism group for his son and his own therapy. As of last June 2017 he is raising them. He believes he is undiagnosed autism.  The lack of empathy I can see both in BPD and in Autism.He does not believe he is borderline, but I do see the several traits of "I the greatest thing that has ever happened to him and then in 6 months I am an obstacle to his success." I see how all 3 of them take pleasure in others pain and have this certain smurk.
Then there are weeks of a profound connection and on board with goals and dreams just to wake up one day and I am back in the blender because its ripped out.