I can't handle the clinginess.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We've been together 4.5 years now. I love him very much and it's not like I don't enjoy spending time with him. We see each other two days a week.

But during those two days it feels like he wants us to be inseperable. I like sitting by on my phone a bit. I like reading books and planning out my week. I like the company but I can't handle the constant need to engage. it makes me anxious as h*ll.

I'll give two examples. Yesterday we went to his friends house. He's working on a car in his friends garage. It's cold. I'm cold. I try to hang out but I get bored easily and I'm tired. Friend's wife asks me if I want to go get food. I tell my bf. instant disappointment because all l ever do is leave him.

I'm gone maybe 45 min.we go inside and eat the take out. He acts annoyed. We're inside maybe am hour when he wants to go and change the oil in his car. I don't want to back out. Twenty minutes later it turns out he left with his friend to get different oil. He's left me somewhat stranded, without saying anything, but that's okay.

In the end he's mad coz I was inside hanging out  with the wife who is my friend instead of hanging out with him.

Weekends are my only opportunity to socialize since I work Monday to Friday and he wants me to spend every weekend with him.

Then today. I wake him up at 10:30 and say I'm gonna go to the health food store to get stuff and be back by 11:30. He is half asleep but is annoyed because I should have already gone by now. And why do I always want to leave him.

I tell him that it opens at 11 and it takes 24 minutes to get there so I'm attempting to avoid infringing on his precious time and needs. (I word it better. Lol)

He's like well we're gonna go to the opposite direction to the city so we'll just go to a different one.

Sigh.

It's 11:55 right now. And he's been doing things in the attic for an hour. And he's mad that I didn't think to go hang out with him in the attic and how terrible a gf I am.

I could have left and been back and had my stuff already.

And I'd probably get chastised less over it too.

I'm an introvert and idek. He gets angry that I'm not spending time with him and I don't even know how to respond.

[misuniadziubek]

We've been together 4.5 years now. I love him very much and it's not like I don't enjoy spending time with him. We see each other two days a week.

But during those two days it feels like he wants us to be inseperable. I like sitting by on my phone a bit. I like reading books and planning out my week. I like the company but I can't handle the constant need to engage. it makes me anxious as h*ll.

I'll give two examples. Yesterday we went to his friends house. He's working on a car in his friends garage. It's cold. I'm cold. I try to hang out but I get bored easily and I'm tired. Friend's wife asks me if I want to go get food. I tell my bf. instant disappointment because all l ever do is leave him.

I'm gone maybe 45 min.we go inside and eat the take out. He acts annoyed. We're inside maybe am hour when he wants to go and change the oil in his car. I don't want to back out. Twenty minutes later it turns out he left with his friend to get different oil. He's left me somewhat stranded, without saying anything, but that's okay.

In the end he's mad coz I was inside hanging out  with the wife who is my friend instead of hanging out with him.

Weekends are my only opportunity to socialize since I work Monday to Friday and he wants me to spend every weekend with him.

Then today. I wake him up at 10:30 and say I'm gonna go to the health food store to get stuff and be back by 11:30. He is half asleep but is annoyed because I should have already gone by now. And why do I always want to leave him.

I tell him that it opens at 11 and it takes 24 minutes to get there so I'm attempting to avoid infringing on his precious time and needs. (I word it better. Lol)

He's like well we're gonna go to the opposite direction to the city so we'll just go to a different one.

Sigh.

It's 11:55 right now. And he's been doing things in the attic for an hour. And he's mad that I didn't think to go hang out with him in the attic and how terrible a gf I am.

I could have left and been back and had my stuff already.

And I'd probably get chastised less over it too.

I'm an introvert and idek. He gets angry that I'm not spending time with him and I don't even know how to respond.

[formflier]

Have you tried to be proactive and talk about how much time (specifically) he wants to be together and apart?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey misuniadz, If you're an introvert like me, you may need down time in which to charge your batteries.  Like you, I find it annoying and/or smothering if a SO has a constant need for attention.  it's as if the SO is looking to you in order to quell some basic insecurity, yet you can't fill up that hole in someone else.  The bottom line, as FF suggests, is that you have to carve out "alone time" for yourself, because otherwise it's an ongoing energy drain, which is unhealthy.  Getting proactive and having the "conversation" seems like a good idea.  Let us know what you decide and how it goes.

LJ

[No-One]

When I read your first post in this thread, I hear a description of a controlling person, who may have issues with jealousy.  Saying he is "clingy" puts a more positive spin on it.

You don't have the power to change who he is.  Controlling and jealous behaviors generally escalate over time . (and can evolve to being abusive)  Can you live with that?

Have you established and enforced any personal boundaries successfully?

What good qualities does he consistently display  (other than perhaps being good looking and sexy)?

Just posing some questions for you to think about.  Introverted people can easily be "people pleasers" and can be taken advantage of. 

[pearlsw]

Hi misuniadziubek,

There are some tools here on the boards which might be able to help. I think communicating about when you will be back can sometimes help.

My "h" can be very clingy at times too. It is a bit hard. He can't stand to do all kinds of things alone and I am the opposite. I don't mind. If people are around fine, if not fine, I still gotta eat for example. He won't eat if he is alone. Stuff like that.

I agree you want to head off, be wary of things going into the territory of jealous and controlling behavior, but there may be ways to help provide a little in terms of abandonment issues if you so choose.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[BasementDweller]

Hi misuniadziubek,

pwBPD harbor a constant, often severe, and sometimes totally irrational fear of abandonment that is very difficult for those of us without an emotional dysregulation disorder to fathom. Especially us introverts who actually revel in time alone, and find too much closeness and interaction to be draining at times.

To most people, you taking some time to do a little reading, shopping, or going to get takeout with a friend would be no big deal. To a partner with BPD it literally feels like a painful abandonment. He likely worries you may never come back, or something will happen while you are away that will make you realize you do not want to come back. It sounds strange, but they truly deeply feel this way.

It sounds to me like he is really asking for reassurance - in the only way he knows how. What seems clingy to us, is to him a way of making sure that the relationship is still intact, and you are still there to connect with - even when you have physically separated for a spell.

It may help to talk to him at a time when he's at ease, and you aren't about to go anywhere. Maybe say, "I understand that when I leave the house, or go somewhere without you that it might feel like I want to leave you. I want to reassure you that while there might be times where I have to take care of certain things, like shopping, running errands, etc. It is not because I want to leave you, but because I have tasks I have to complete. There may also be times where I want some down time to sit alone and read, or just think and plan my day. I will return to you, and it is not a rejection of you. It will be much nicer and easier for us to connect, and spend uninterrupted time together if I can get these things done when I need to - then I can fully focus on our time together."

(Or something like that.) ;-)

I am currently in my first relationship with a pwBPD after a long history of being with partners who were so emotionally stable they were almost robotic. This has been a WHOLE new animal. At first it was endearing, then a little bit smothering when my dBPDbf would feel rejected and fussy because I went to bed later than he did, did not want to watch a film with him but instead would rather read in a separate room, or even (hahaha) spent too long in the shower if he knew we were going to have sex after. (I WAS SHAVING MY LEGS, DAMMIT!) 

After the first year of our relationship, it was getting a bit much, and I sat him down and had "the talk". He took it quite well, and told me that he worried I'd find if I spent too long away from him I'd realize I'd rather not be with him at all. I told him I spent my entire life without him up until the day I met him, and had now decided I wanted to be with him - and I wasn't going anywhere. His clinginess isn't a problem anymore, and he even feels quite comfortable spending time alone working on his own projects for half the day while I do my own thing somewhere else on the property, or in town. Just reassuring him at a neutral time helped the situation a lot.

Is that something you might be able to do with your partner? Validating that you understand your distance or busy-ness can be hurtful to him, but that you will return, and continue spending time with him, and he needn't worry about that?

[pearlsw]

sorry I can't get much time here some days!

Here are some links that may help though:

For more about validation check out these pages regarding how to validate and avoid being invalidating.

And you can also look into this helpful workshop on validation.

Let us know what you think! ~ pearl.

[Lucky Jim]

After the first year of our relationship, it was getting a bit much, and I sat him down and had "the talk". He took it quite well, and told me that he worried I'd find if I spent too long away from him I'd realize I'd rather not be with him at all. I told him I spent my entire life without him up until the day I met him, and had now decided I wanted to be with him - and I wasn't going anywhere. His clinginess isn't a problem anymore, and he even feels quite comfortable spending time alone working on his own projects for half the day while I do my own thing somewhere else on the property, or in town.

BD: I find it quite encouraging that your "talk" was successful, because I had many a "talk" w/my BPDxW that proved ineffective.  You must have special powers!     Just kidding.  Seriously, though, I rarely had any luck in my attempts to "reason" with my pwBPD, so I admire what you accomplished.

LuckyJim

[BasementDweller]

BD: I find it quite encouraging that your "talk" was successful, because I had many a "talk" w/my BPDxW that proved ineffective.  You must have special powers!     Just kidding.  Seriously, though, I rarely had any luck in my attempts to "reason" with my pwBPD, so I admire what you accomplished.

LuckyJim

Haha! Thanks, Jim - I think my real "super power" is a weird form of infinite patience. I learned this from having a BPD older sister (way worse off and more severe than my partner) but she and I have good relationship. (Our mother is her real trigger... .) I often had to play the mediator and be the one who talked her down off the ledge and calmed things down when things got ugly at home, so I learned a few skills there when we were growing up. It's harder with my partner, because I am his trigger, and my love for him makes me more sensitive - whereas with my sister, I could be more rational. However, I think dealing with her gave me a lot of compassion and patience with people battling mental illness.

Like you, though, I was NOT successful when I tried to talk to him about this when he was upset. It only triggered him more and made him less trustful of me at the time. I waited until he expressed a desire to go out in his "man cave" and do some woodworking one night, and he worried I'd be bothered because we had been hanging out in the kitchen preparing food and dinner was happening soon. He thought I'd get annoyed that he didn't want to help anymore. I gave my blessing, though, then later used that as an example as to how it is possible to want time alone, but still want to reconnect with your partner later. It finally sank in, and I think the concrete example at the right time was what worked with him. Timing can be everything with the pwBPD, I am finding. I learned that after a LOT of trial and error. Mostly error initially.