Tracking my feelings as I figure out what I want/how to change my life

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am wanting to focus on myself and figure out what what matters most to me in my own life. I’ve been thinking of these things in order to find a way forward…

The best moments of my life…in terms of happiness and love:

1) I was in college and got to take a trip to a monastery and had a chance to meditate with some monks up in the mountains. I remember being in my dorm room later that day and suddenly realizing I had never felt a moment of such happiness in my life.

2) After a long period of not meditating I started up again at a zen center that a friend of mine had just started going to. That first day on the cushion I again had this incredible breakthrough moment in life where I felt a really wonderful feeling inside.

3) I met someone again after he’d been out of my life for years. We took a walk together on a rainy night and I felt like I was walking on clouds. Out of time and space and all boundaries. I felt free and happy.

4) I had an extensive series of conversations with a friend that were easily one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t just feel a strong sense of love, but I felt that I myself had become love. This was the most pure experience of love I have ever known.

These are the best moments of my life. Free of pain. Full of possibility and hope. These two people are "lost" to me now…our lives and circumstances would not allow for more…life is long and maybe the universe will be kind and bring this kind of pure love back to me…

But if not, I can be the happiness and love I need in my life. At this lowest of times, under this cloud of confusion and uncertainty, all I can do is make my own life better, in ways big or small. No waiting, no hoping, just being happy with now.

[pearlsw]

I am wanting to focus on myself and figure out what what matters most to me in my own life. I’ve been thinking of these things in order to find a way forward…

The best moments of my life…in terms of happiness and love:

1) I was in college and got to take a trip to a monastery and had a chance to meditate with some monks up in the mountains. I remember being in my dorm room later that day and suddenly realizing I had never felt a moment of such happiness in my life.

2) After a long period of not meditating I started up again at a zen center that a friend of mine had just started going to. That first day on the cushion I again had this incredible breakthrough moment in life where I felt a really wonderful feeling inside.

3) I met someone again after he’d been out of my life for years. We took a walk together on a rainy night and I felt like I was walking on clouds. Out of time and space and all boundaries. I felt free and happy.

4) I had an extensive series of conversations with a friend that were easily one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t just feel a strong sense of love, but I felt that I myself had become love. This was the most pure experience of love I have ever known.

These are the best moments of my life. Free of pain. Full of possibility and hope. These two people are "lost" to me now…our lives and circumstances would not allow for more…life is long and maybe the universe will be kind and bring this kind of pure love back to me…

But if not, I can be the happiness and love I need in my life. At this lowest of times, under this cloud of confusion and uncertainty, all I can do is make my own life better, in ways big or small. No waiting, no hoping, just being happy with now.

[Jeffree]

Seems to me you feel best when you are just allowed to be you whether alone or with someone else.

I've thought the same about myself for a long, long time.

I just don't get why people (BPD or otherwise) can't just let me be me and let them be them and allow us to simply enjoy the times we spend together free of expectations.

Or better yet... .

Why don't I stick to my guns when someone puts too many demands on me?

J

[schwing]

Hi Pearlsw,

These are the best moments of my life. Free of pain. Full of possibility and hope. These two people are "lost" to me now…our lives and circumstances would not allow for more…life is long and maybe the universe will be kind and bring this kind of pure love back to me…

That's too bad that these two people are now lost to you.  I think that when we are free of pain, and more importantly, full filled with happiness we attract the like-kind into our lives.  

But if not, I can be the happiness and love I need in my life.

I think it's the other way around.  When you become the love and happiness you need in your life, your life with then be open to circumstances that would allow others who may wish to participate.

At this lowest of times, under this cloud of confusion and uncertainty, all I can do is make my own life better, in ways big or small. No waiting, no hoping, just being happy with now.

Our lowest of times can become the fertilizer for what we choose to plant, sow and reap in our future.  Make sure you uproot thoughts and attachments that have no place in the future you envision for yourself.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[RolandOfEld]

Beautiful moments, pearls, thank you for sharing.

A reminder that life is measured in moments, not days, weeks, or years. A few moments that count can outweigh an entire life.

[pearlsw]

Thank you Jeffree, schwing, RolandofEid,

Yes, I see that being myself, and the other person being at ease as well, is the most joyful place. In all honesty, I find myself grateful to my current partner/future ex because I had to sit down and entirely reexamine myself and develop a whole new relationship with myself and the world. I would have likely coasted on auto-pilot through another relationship if not for the challenges I’ve faced with him.

If I do have another relationship again some day I would feel much more prepared to have things be healthier than ever. In fact, I am committed to not having an unhealthy relationship ever again. Whether it be this or another one I want it to be the best it can be. And if, upon examination, that isn’t enough I will enjoy being alone.

One of the greatest gifts this relationship has given me is less fear about being alone. It was an unexpected gift, but I take it as that nevertheless.

[Jeffree]

Pearlsw,

I am so happy you have found that peace for yourself. Keep on truckin'! 

J

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, I see that being myself, and the other person being at ease as well, is the most joyful place. In all honesty, I find myself grateful to my current partner/future ex because I had to sit down and entirely reexamine myself and develop a whole new relationship with myself and the world. I would have likely coasted on auto-pilot through another relationship if not for the challenges I’ve faced with him.

If I do have another relationship again some day I would feel much more prepared to have things be healthier than ever. In fact, I am committed to not having an unhealthy relationship ever again. Whether it be this or another one I want it to be the best it can be. And if, upon examination, that isn’t enough I will enjoy being alone.

One of the greatest gifts this relationship has given me is less fear about being alone. It was an unexpected gift, but I take it as that nevertheless.

As awful as it was to extract myself from a marriage to an abusive BPD, it was also a gift. In doing so, I realized how incredibly strong I am and that all his accusations of weakness and ineptitude against me were merely projections.

Even though I married a BPD-lite husband, I never totally "lost myself" even in the honeymoon phase and I was much better equipped to learn strategies to deal with the disorder... .after I finally got over the resentment phase... .which took a long damn time.

At this point, things are great with my relationship and I'm able to deftly cope with whatever BPDness shows up. (Knock on wood... .at least so far, so good for many, many months.) My only issues are with myself and the occasional disappointment that once again I chose someone with this disorder. But at the same time, I'm forgiving, since I grew up with a BPD mom and this type of relationship was all I knew.

It truly is a great opportunity for personal growth. Not easy, admittedly, but there's a lot to work with. 

[pearlsw]

It truly is a great opportunity for personal growth. Not easy, admittedly, but there's a lot to work with.  

Hi Cat Familiar,

So nice to hear more about your background! I really appreciate these insights. I am in a similar place... .Life would certainly have been easier if I hadn't by chance hooked up with a partner with these extreme issues, this is not at all what I was looking for/anticipating in life... .wish I'd been able to identify the red flags properly and sooner and found the exit at a better juncture if betterment was not possible.

Nevertheless, I am somehow still grateful for the life lessons and the chance to see and understand the world in a new way that this set of issues has brought. As this part of my life fades into the past, at some point, I will focus on being grateful for my life rather than bitter. I have never been bitter or even wanted to undo the past.

The trick for me will be staying focused on hope and not falling into despair. Despair is a dark cloud, but it floats by and does not ever stay. Thankfully.

I don't know what it is, or why exactly, but I am so drawn to the idea of being alone. I am watching and listening to this notion carefully though... .being sure I understand it and am making that choice freely and not from pain or the idea that you can ever get away from other humans and the troubles they can bring to one's life. I need to spend a bit more time with these thoughts.

The idea of having a happy, healthy relationship is not unappealing, but... .somehow... .I don't know. Maybe because of what I've been experiencing these last years romantic love seems less appealing to me than some bigger notion of love and even just having more friendships in my life again. I like to give, but I want to do it in a context that provides me a whole life, a life that does not require romantic love. Romantic love is welcome, if it is not a drain on me, but it is not something I cannot live without I think. I think love can be so much bigger than romantic love and I want to find a way to make that possible. I feel drawn to having bigger dreams than a romantic relationship.

[Jeffree]

I don't know what it is, or why exactly, but I am so drawn to the idea of being alone.

I am not so sure life allows us to choose this as much as we might like.

Sure, it sounds simple to just say no to everyone and stay on our island alone for however long we like, but somehow people creep into our life one way or another.

As a T once told me, "We are social beings."

The idea of romantic love is unappealing to me, too, as I am unwilling to fall prey to all the expectations that people have had of me in that realm. The judgments, the comparisons, the obligations, and all just seems so unnecessary.

J

[pearlsw]

I don't know what it is, or why exactly, but I am so drawn to the idea of being alone.

I am not so sure life allows us to choose this as much as we might like.

Sure, it sounds simple to just say no to everyone and stay on our island alone for however long we like, but somehow people creep into our life one way or another.

As a T once told me, "We are social beings."

The idea of romantic love is unappealing to me, too, as I am unwilling to fall prey to all the expectations that people have had of me in that realm. The judgments, the comparisons, the obligations, and all just seems so unnecessary.

J

I really meant for this to be my last, life-long relationship. I sadly know this is not possible with this person. I intend to be social after this... .engage whatever communities I can, have friends, see family more... .We'll see... .life throws ya curveballs!

[Jeffree]

I know you meant the following as a throwaway statement, but maybe there's something to look at here: life throws ya curveballs

What if life is just life doing its life thing and it is US who throw the curveballs by thinking it is something more than it is? That if you do good, then good will come back to you. That if you go to church and are God-faring you will go to heaven. That if you work hard you will succeed. That if you love someone they will love you back. We put all these cause and effect ideas out into the universe, to make our existence seem less random, but the universe might not actually do anything to support these ideas.

You mentioned that you "meant for this to be my last, life-long relationship." I realize that's a nice sentiment, the whole til' death do you part in sickness as in health thing, but it doesn't look like that's how this relationship is going to work out for you. That's not necessarily life throwing you a curveball as much as it's you taking a chance on love and it not working out as you had hoped. It happens. Sometimes that's just how it goes. Despite our best efforts the opposite of what we want happens sometimes.

There will be other chances for this dream to come true for you.

J

[pearlsw]

I know you meant the following as a throwaway statement, but maybe there's something to look at here: life throws ya curveballs

What if life is just life doing its life thing and it is US who throw the curveballs by thinking it is something more than it is? That if you do good, then good will come back to you. That if you go to church and are God-faring you will go to heaven. That if you work hard you will succeed. That if you love someone they will love you back. We put all these cause and effect ideas out into the universe, to make our existence seem less random, but the universe might not actually do anything to support these ideas.

You mentioned that you "meant for this to be my last, life-long relationship." I realize that's a nice sentiment, the whole til' death do you part in sickness as in health thing, but it doesn't look like that's how this relationship is going to work out for you. That's not necessarily life throwing you a curveball as much as it's you taking a chance on love and it not working out as you had hoped. It happens. Sometimes that's just how it goes. Despite our best efforts the opposite of what we want happens sometimes.

There will be other chances for this dream to come true for you.

J

I'm with ya. I'm not one of those everything happens for a reason type folks. I think a lot is random. Also, I don't see this as a failure, thank goodness. Sometimes things don't work out. That's okay.

I have always put a lot into relationships, and maybe I have one more left in me... .but I really feel a strong urge to... .build something, work with others, create. I feel like I've put a lot into relationships, and while I have no major regrets, I'd like more out of life. I don't want to put all my eggs in the "relationship basket". Sure, if I still had the chance to be part of a power duo I'd do it. But... .I don't see that happening in all likelihood. I really, genuinely like me. I like dating me. I like spending time with me. The guy would have to be really darn special to pull me outta "retirement".

I feel like society puts too much pressure on us to couple up too. I used to dream of dancing with my love when were old, but... .there are lots of things to do if that does not happen! And no point in being sad over it! A great relationship should be the icing on the cake of an otherwise pretty satisfying life. I should have focused on my career.  I picked relationships. Not the wisest move all things considered, so far at least. The best would be a partner I could find a great balance with, a great partnership with. But like I say, I really like me and I can make a lot of a little... .I'm good. I'll be fine. My life will be full of laughing! That I am sure of!

Thanks so much for talking this over with me, for listening. Means a lot! 

[Jeffree]

I have always put a lot into relationships, and maybe I have one more left in me... .

So the only way relationships exist to you is as a thing in which you have to put a lot into it? If so, I can see why you might think you only have one more left in you.

Cue the pearlsw new pickup line: "I know what you're thinking. ':)id (s)he fire six shots or only five'? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track myself. But being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: ':)o I feel lucky?' Well do ya, punk?"

I feel like society puts too much pressure on us to couple up too.

Society puts its focus on way too many things frivolously. The idea that one can be happy single doesn't even seem to dawn on most people.

To me the bigger issue I take with society's views on relationships is what we are sold this completely ridiculous story as to what they're supposed to be like--knight in shining armor, soulmate, happily everafter, over-the-top neverending romance and passion, your eyes meet from across a room and you know... .

Really? It's the Santa Claus PR machine all over again, only this fairytale we still believe in.

J

[pearlsw]

I think you should put in effort, but not wreck all in the process.

But you're right, I'm a bit tired of relationships. In a way that is good. I won't take on a ridiculously tough one again after this. Life will be easier.

One of the hardest parts, I'm realizing, is my attachment to the idea of how a break up should be. I have done them in the past and they went far more smoothly. There was communication. It seems so quaint by comparison.

Given his issues there is no way to avoid a bit of drama with this. It could get as ugly as his imagination allows. And all I can do is try to be clear and take it step by step and not get carried away by his panic tornados. Sigh.

I felt like I was actually pretty realistic about love, not one to get carried away... .It has been so strange/overwhelming/confusing to be involved with someone whose emotions are always running so high. 

We'll see... .looks like the divorce could be in motion very, very soon. I've thought so before... .we only get one shot at this given our immigration status, other factors. Over is over when it ends.

[pearlsw]

Mood: I can't wait for this to be over. He deserves no more chances. He is so out of control and off the charts... .

[pearlsw]

Today is just too much. Enough is enough with this person. After all I've done to help and support... .

[Jeffree]

What's been going on?

J

[pearlsw]

He's bringing up private "marital" problems between us to my family. Again. He is out to destroy my reputation. He takes no responsibility for his stuff, acts as if all the problems are me. I have asked for forgiveness and worked my butt off to make things better. He takes blame and then gives it back and then takes and gives it back. He has threatened me constantly that he was with other women and could replace me. For years I heard this. I saw someone else briefly years ago. He can't let it go. I get that. I don't hold the past stuff he did against him and it is severe. But he's used it to blackmail, threaten, demean, weaponize endlessly at the same time he says he loves me and wants to be with me. He is a total mad man. He has no limits. He has no decency. I am so tired of his drama.

He mistreated me for years... .threatened me that he had a right to rape me, threatened my health (not to take me to doctor's appointment and cancel my insurance), threatened that he should have beat me to train me... .only then did I go with another person... .to save my life from his insanity. This man tried to destroy me, us... .but... .he is only destroying himself... .I will be fine in the long run. I wanted to work things out. Thought I could once I understood all this extreme b.s. was part of an illness... .and not just him being an evil jerk... .But I am over it. I want this to end. He is out of control. Completely out of control. I think his suicide threat today was just a stunt. More drama to mess with my head. He's out of his mind. He has spent years trying to destroy me mentally.

I am sorry for what I did. It was out of character for me. You don't wake up in your mid-40's and toss your whole good life out the window on a lark. It was no lark. He made me wish I was dead all those years. I wish I never met someone who could destroy my good name and reputation by his evil deeds.

Sorry to be so stark about it. Sorry.

[Cat Familiar]

I am so sorry, pearlsw. I totally get what you've been going through; it sounds very similar to my first marriage.

Like you, I thought because I was strong enough to cope with all the craziness, that somehow I could make lemonade out of lemons. I harbored a hope that I could "turn him around" because there were parts of him that were good and kind. But I didn't realize that I had bought the entire package. I kept thinking the "bad" parts were only because he was damaged and that if he could just see how his behavior impacted me, then he would change.

What I didn't realize at the time was that those bad parts were also who he was. Shortly after he got together with his next wife, I saw his name in the arrest reports in the newspaper. He had attacked her.

While it's really uncomfortable to be in the place you currently are, please realize that other people likely are seeing who he is through his behavior. My ex tried to smear my reputation, but it backfired on him with the people who know me. It just made him look bad.

The hardest thing for me to come to grips with was the concept that there is no rhyme nor reason with these people at times. I kept thinking that somehow he would "get it" because he was a highly intelligent person, albeit with little common sense at times. But no, the dysfunction kept him in his own crazy perception based notion of reality.

Years later I ran into him and he tried to get back in my good graces by saying, "I'm not a bad guy after all." Yeah, right. 

[pearlsw]

Like you, I thought because I was strong enough to cope with all the craziness, that somehow I could make lemonade out of lemons. I harbored a hope that I could "turn him around" because there were parts of him that were good and kind. But I didn't realize that I had bought the entire package. I kept thinking the "bad" parts were only because he was damaged and that if he could just see how his behavior impacted me, then he would change.

What I didn't realize at the time was that those bad parts were also who he was.

The hardest thing for me to come to grips with was the concept that there is no rhyme nor reason with these people at times. I kept thinking that somehow he would "get it" because he was a highly intelligent person, albeit with little common sense at times. But no, the dysfunction kept him in his own crazy perception based notion of reality.

Oh thank you so much! This was all so very helpful to hear! He's trying to attack me via my family but he doesn't get how united we can be, how much we can have each other's back even after years of no contact sometimes. I just had a two hour conversation with my mom and she totally got it and even helped a bit... .and will help me in the next weeks with him directly if needed - get him to stop his threats and encourage him to get medical help.

I am more angry than I can recall today... .I am angry that he thought he could drive a wedge between me and my family. Well, his secrets are out now and they are shocking and he gets to deal with that. They get it and they would do anything to help. That's how we roll. He had me as his ally and support, willing to continue to sacrifice and help him together or even with a divorce, but... .he went too far today. You don't try to use my family against me, man. Period. Maybe I will ease up tomorrow but for now I am willing to let him have his consequences for his actions all these years and just worry about me and not him anymore.

I give him back to the universe. Looking forward to my more peaceful life on the horizon... .Ah, here I go again sad about his health issues though. Sad that our early dreams have died. Sad that I couldn't redeem this all as I'd hoped and really tried for... .though in the last weeks I've faltered after his unrelenting attacks. But life will get better. Somehow.

[pearlsw]

he apologized and put out feelers for a recycle this morning... .this. must. stop.

[Jeffree]

So what did you say back?

[Red5]

Good morning pearlsw,

Been away a few daze (pun intended)... .and I have been reading down your thread, and as well a few others this morning.

After the morning I had (whew boy  ), .I needed some good vitamins / karma... .

I came across this, at the bottom of a another thread, thought I might share it,

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style" ~ Maya Angelou

So "upward and onward" as they say !

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

he apologized and put out feelers for a recycle this morning... .this. must. stop.

Well, you fully know who he is now and what the likely outcome would be. I'm not a gambling person, but I do like the idea of placing "odds" on people's behavior.

I love the quote supposedly attributed to Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

[pearlsw]

Today: I am feeling a bit torn. I feel like I have obligations and duties towards helping him with him his health. I realize I don't have to, but when I look at my feelings I still find a natural urge to want to help him get healthier and stable. I am not able to say I want a life with him, but I do want to do what I can, if possible, to help with his immediate health issues.

[pearlsw]

Well, you fully know who he is now and what the likely outcome would be. I'm not a gambling person, but I do like the idea of placing "odds" on people's behavior.

I love the quote supposedly attributed to Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

Thanks Cat! I agree. Something has to improve, soon! 

[Red5]

Today: I am feeling a bit torn. I feel like I have obligations and duties towards helping him with him his health. I realize I don't have to, but when I look at my feelings I still find a natural urge to want to help him get healthier and stable. I am not able to say I want a life with him, but I do want to do what I can, if possible, to help with his immediate health issues.

The acronym FOG, maybe minus the “F” = fear part... .and what comes next, and or happens after “FOG”, supposed obligations met, firm ground gained, stability achieved, hmmm... .then what, and what may be left of you at that point ?

I am there right now myself... .“O” for obligation .

Red5

[pearlsw]

sometimes i don't know what scares me more not saving or actually saving this relationship.

[pearlsw]

I am there right now myself ... .“O” for obligation .

Red5

exactly. 

[Cat Familiar]

Pearls and Red5,
What would happen if you didn’t feel obligation?