I need to write about this. Me and hoarding and my BPDbfm

[misuniadziubek]

I have kept this in all week. I can't see my therapist until two weeks from now because she's on vacation.

I have a hoarding issue. It's a horrible and disgusting issue and it gets out of control but I've been actively trying to work on it. It's more to do with ocd and anxiety than anything. But it's getting better. Very very slowly.

I limit the amounts of stuff I acquire nowadays and I regularly give stuff away. I also have fixed a lot of my disordered eating. The second half of January was probably the most positive two weeks I've had in ages.

I also lost 23 lbs. I'm closer to being a healthier weight than I have been in 3 years. I'm on my way to Actively practicing self care. I've been in therapy for 7 months.

In comes last weekend. It's been ridiculously cold the last month and I haven't made decluttering and cleaning my car a priority. It's pretty terrible and the floorboards look bad. I told my boyfriend I dont want to be the designated driver for that reason. He still demanded I do it.

And then the complaining starts. My car is the reason he feels sick. He's tired of enabling me with my hoarding. My car is the most disgusting thing he's ever seen. Someone needs to make me feel shame for it because nothing seems to work. I need professional help. More than I'm getting because it's too slow. He wants to pay 150$ to get my car professionally cleaned.

He gave me an ultimatum that either I get it cleaned out by this week or he'll pay for it to get cleaned.

The stress of this conversation, and even that weekend, plus lack of regular sleep, f'ed up my immune system and Monday morning I woke up to a horrible flu. I've been sick all week.

I don't want his help because he's being horrendously judgmental and critical of me.

Maybe it's a personal problem. I've just worked so incredibly hard at stopping my dysfunctional habits. I've put in the work. And he is so horrible to me.

It's so stupid but it's haunted me for days and pushed me back into my old ways of thinking and feeling and I feel more like a victim than empowered the way I usually do.

I literally don't want to come back and visit this weekend because there is no chance of me getting my car done. And I'm not doing it for me even. I'm sorry. I can't think straight through this.

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[Tattered Heart]

I can tell from your post that you feel tremendously stressed. It's very brave of you to admit that you have problems with hoarding and I commend you for the progress it sounds like you have made.

Is there something in the car that you are putting an intense amount of emotional stock into or is this a way for you to maintain control of your environment in light of him trying to push you? Or something else?

I've heard that anti-depressants can really work wonders on hoarding tendencies. Have you ever tried this before?

Just to be sure I'm understanding what you are saying:
You do want to work on your hoarding and have been for almost a year, you know that your car needs cleaned, but you don't like your bf pressuring you or shaming you to get it cleaened and you want to clean it on your own time, not on his?

[isilme]

I'd also like to point out that cold, dark, nasty weather is rarely a motivator for ANYONE. And if you're like me, when something like a cold or virus is coming on, motivation hits rock bottom.

H comes from a hoarding family of origin.  He has tendencies and then will freak out and try to fight them but he lacks consistency about it.  I think I hoard stupid things myself, like(please don't laugh) underwear.  I've been homeless and without more than a few items of clothes in the past, and also did the laundromat dance for longer than I liked, meaning I always wanted to be SURE I had clean things "just in case".  I can get rid of things like sweaters and pants that I don't wear, but underwear is really hard.  Like, I can wear a pair of jeans a few times, but not what goes under them.  I think both my insecurities and my own OC issues that make me nervous about being smelly and wanting to be able to change in case I feel less than fresh contribute to me having way too many "drawers" in my drawer.  It literally has to have holes in it for me to feel okay tossing them.  And putting away laundry is bad for both of us - I hate it and it will eventually get done, after the visible areas are clean and I have the energy to devote to it,

In other areas, I am trying to become a neat freak, keeping my sink clean, making sure I don't get more dishes into it than a few minutes take to clear out, keeping tables clear of junk or art projects, sweeping.  I know this has part to do with me trying to maintain some feeling of control in my life - If I want the house clean by golly I will make it happen, even if I can't fix the back porch, the AC on the car, I will have clean counters!

H bonds with items, and feels sad getting rid of anything.  I am trying to encourage him to clear out clothes that are too big so he can actually put things away... .but he literally needs me standing thereto be able to emotionally do it. 

H's mom will hold on to trash so she can inspect each piece before I am allowed to toss it.  She feels like her legacy is "things" and so any movement items in her domain makes her uneasy - when we visit, I straighten but try to put things in plain sight so she can see I did not toss them (or steal them). 

Is the car the biggest place this issue crops up?  How is your home?  How does cleaning things out make you feel?  Are there items that are "safe" to get rid or while others are "too hot to handle"?  Could Tattered be on to something, the more he pushes, the less you feel like doing it?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I'm sorry to hear you're sick. I hope you feel better soon.

I don't know anyone who would want to clean anything when they're sick especially with the flu.  What you're going through with the car and your boyfriend reminds me of what I went through with my ex-H and past boyfriends. If I felt someone was pressuring me to do something, I would find ways to not do it. For me, it was a form of maintaining control. The more they pressured me, the more I found ways to not give in. In hindsight, I probably should have flat out told them to stop pressuring me and that I'd do it when I'm good and ready to. Granted, it may not have gone well if I had said that to them since they were abusive.

It is your car. If he doesn't like it's condition, then he can walk or get rides from someone else. I know that's easier said than done. When someone gives me an ultimatum, my warning goes off. Something isn't right here and it bothers me. In my opinion, when someone gives an ultimatum that tells me they are controlling and have some issues they need to work on.  Ultimatums generally make me dig my heals in. It reminds me of manipulation which is a big trigger for me. I hate being pressured and manipulated into doing something someone else wants. 

It sounds to me that he doesn't treat you right. You have put in a lot of work towards yourself. That's nothing to sneeze at.  You deserve to be treated better. Have you talked with him about his behavior and what he says to you and how it makes you feel?  Is it possible there is something else going on and that the car is an "excuse" to berate you? He's awfully focused on the car, in my opinion. It makes me wonder if he's feeling insecure and taking it out on you or something along those lines.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like a lot of stuff piling up. One part of good boundaries is to understand what is your issue, and what is your bf's issue. That reduces your stress a lot either way: If it is YOUR issue, you can solve it yourself. If it is his issue, you don't need to solve it at all.

Of course, he has horrible boundaries and mental illness... .so he will  insist that his issues are yours, etc... .making it that much more confusing to sort it all out.

I have a hoarding issue.

You know that one is yours.

I haven't made decluttering and cleaning my car a priority. It's pretty terrible and the floorboards look bad.

Yup, this one is yours too, and you know it as well.

I told my boyfriend I dont want to be the designated driver for that reason. He still demanded I do it.

His demand that you drive him around is on him, not on you. OTOH, you cannot force him to drive you anyplace. You also don't have to let him in your car.

And then the complaining starts.

Consider telling him that there is a new rule: "Passengers in your car will shut up about the mess in there." And if he doesn't, pull over, and ask him to get out of the car. Or drive back home and drop him off. Or at least pull over and inform him that you aren't driving anywhere while he's complaining about your car. (i.e. if he cannot shut up about the mess, he cannot ride in your car.)

Enforcing that rule would stop those complaints 100%--at least while you are in the car.

He wants to pay 150$ to get my car professionally cleaned.

He gave me an ultimatum that either I get it cleaned out by this week or he'll pay for it to get cleaned.

I'm assuming that the two of you have (mostly) separate finances. In that case, he can choose how to spend his money... .and if he wants to be generous and offer to spend money on getting your car cleaned, he can do that. HOWEVER, it is your car, so you aren't obligated to let him do so unless you want it done yourself.

I don't want his help because he's being horrendously judgmental and critical of me.

Yeah, the emotional baggage attached to that threat/offer on his part really takes away from it. He's doing it to manipulate you, not to be generous.

Imagine a good friend saying: "You seem really stressed out by the mess in your car. Can I help in any way, perhaps paying to have it cleaned?" It would feel very different.

I'm not suggesting that your bf is likely to take this approach, especially considering where he started... .but you can take the offer quite literally and let him do it anyways... .and refusing to pick up the guilt and crap he's throwing at you with it.