Hi jenbren2006,
My SO experienced this during his Separation & Divorce. His daughters were enmeshed with their uBPDmom and their mom was also actively alienating the girls from their father.
His daughters about 11 & 14 at the time were actively spying for their mother. They went through their father's belongings, read his phone text messages and took his laptop with intent to hack into it (it took the police to get it returned).
He also had an incident similar to yours. He was on the phone with his stbxw and got frustrated with her, hung up the phone and threw it into the couch. This was escalated up to he threw the phone and it shattered into a million pieces, to he threw the phone at the kids, to he wouldn't let them use the phone to call their mother, finally to he wouldn't let them leave his house. All of this came from their mother who wasn't there to see anything, but was also not disputed by his daughters. (It was years later that they learned that their actions could have taken their father out of their life)
He was accused of abuse and had to appear in court. He took his intact cordless phone and went to court, the oh so concerned ex didn't bother to show up, she was "ill" (in reality out getting a mani/pedi with their younger daughter ) He told his story, was believed, the charges were dropped, but he had to attend counseling for anger management.
He resented being sent to counseling, yes he was angry and frankly he had reason to be. However, therapy turned out to be excellent for him, the therapist pretty quickly recognized that he didn't have "anger issues". She was however, a really good support for him during what he and his kids now call "the dark times". He was able to talk to her about the kids and their relationship and give him tips and ideas that were really helpful. So his ex and her attempt to make him out as "bad dad" actually ended up giving him someone who was helpful and supportive.
I think the key is to remember that his children are children and they have to negotiate living with their mother. It is hard for the adults on this website to deal with the BPD people in their lives imagine how hard it is for children. Their mother is an authority figure... .listen to adults, do what your told, your survival depends on your parents, and yes they also love their mother and want to please her. They are squeezed between their mom and dad.
Your husband can't make his ex or anyone else do something they don't want to do. The only people we can truly change is ourselves. So that being said, can your husband change his discipline style? Yes. None of us are perfect we can all lose our temper and everyone approaches discipline in their own way (probably the way they were raised) but maybe he could try another approach that will help with his relationship with his kids and will not give his ex any ammunition to create more drama.
Has your husband considered therapy for himself? Like I said above my SO though forced into it found it very helpful, he was able to vent about the ex in a safe place, which helped him be in a better place with his kids and he was able to get tools that helped when dealing with his kids and the parental alienation. A good therapist could help your husband both with his discipline style and his issues with his kids.
Sometimes parents who are divorced have to weigh what is important to them/their values vs. their relationship with their child. I was told this by S's T, and it was a hard pill to swallow. It was important to me that S finish homework, get tutoring at school that was offered to him, etc. But my relationship was more important. I hated giving up raising him in a way that I felt was right. He flunked a class in middle school and it was hard to watch. I didn't like it but he's doing really well academically now and we have a good relationship (at least, I think so).
I can also relate to what
Ulysses says above. I have a son with ADD and I tried to push and control when it came to his school work... .usually involved a lot of frustration and yelling. I too came to the conclusion that I wanted a positive relationship with my son and decided to let the professionals (teachers) deal with his education. I would be there and support my son when he asked for help or support but my relationship with him was more important to me. He hated High School and really struggled there, graduated with a 1.65 GPA. My expectation was that he was going to post-secondary school. He enrolled in our local community college. He is just wrapping up an internship and has one final class to take before graduating. He currently has a 3.00 GPA.
If your husband is interested he could also join our group, my SO and I are both members here and we have found it really helpful, for ideas, support, and for us to be a united front that spoke the same language.
Take Care,
Panda39
