I'm being harsh on someone who is mentally ill, and I cannot find my empathy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was looking forward to hot sex and cuddles when she visited me on Valentine's day from her group home a few hours away. Planning to buy her macaroons and cook dinner. Maybe we could spend some time at the beach like we used to. Last month, we had a pretty good visit, so I was hoping for continued smooth sailing.

Alas, no. The last several days turned into constant chaos of her wanting to change the dates she's coming, despite the fact that we'd settled on those days because they were light work days for me, and because soon after I have a guest coming to town. She plans her life around when she fills her Adderall prescription. She likes to take more than prescribed and go nuts for a week, then crash. She knows I can't stand her when she's all tweaked out, or crashing once the prescription runs out, so, of course, she can't come see me when she's got a shiny new prescription to fill out. So, yeah, I come second to speed.  

So she's messaging me constantly, and going back and forth about coming or not, saying I ought to love her no matter how manic or psychotic she acts, and I actually shouted at her on videochat yesterday to just stop pestering me, come or don't come. Then I blocked her for a few hours to try to enjoy my night. Cooled off and unblocked this morning.

Well, she's just informed me she's moving across the country to live with her mother so she can save up her welfare for a year. She won't be going to school or working, because there's nothing to do out there.

I responded, I think, too harshly. I was being honest, and said I wouldn't want to hear from her everyday while she was living on welfare with her mother in the sticks. I confessed our interactions lately were stressing me out and bringing me down. I suggested maybe we stop talking altogether. I'm really feeling just downright scornful, and my tongue is getting too sharp. At the heart of it, of course, is my disappointment at a lover who'd rather do drugs than spend Valentine's day with me, who can't get their life together enough to even function.    

I know living with mom on welfare isn't what she wants for herself. She's told me so many times, she wants to live in our warm, seaside state, she wants to finish school and make art. She's 31, time's running out. She begs me to let her live with me again so she can finish school here, but we tried that already and it ended with her hospitalized.  

I can't understand why she refuses to get a crappy job, rent a crappy room, and put herself through school. Or, I think she told me if she chooses to stay in her group home, they have a program she can go to college for free! She acts like it's all impossible, when it's actually pretty easy, and I'm running low on empathy and tired of excuses.    

I'm being really harsh on someone who is mentally ill, and I cannot find my empathy. Reminding myself she's really sweet somewhere underneath all that BPD, and she's a fantastic lover and a generous person, and she does love me as best she can. But enough already.

  

[Lady Itone]

I was looking forward to hot sex and cuddles when she visited me on Valentine's day from her group home a few hours away. Planning to buy her macaroons and cook dinner. Maybe we could spend some time at the beach like we used to. Last month, we had a pretty good visit, so I was hoping for continued smooth sailing.

Alas, no. The last several days turned into constant chaos of her wanting to change the dates she's coming, despite the fact that we'd settled on those days because they were light work days for me, and because soon after I have a guest coming to town. She plans her life around when she fills her Adderall prescription. She likes to take more than prescribed and go nuts for a week, then crash. She knows I can't stand her when she's all tweaked out, or crashing once the prescription runs out, so, of course, she can't come see me when she's got a shiny new prescription to fill out. So, yeah, I come second to speed.  

So she's messaging me constantly, and going back and forth about coming or not, saying I ought to love her no matter how manic or psychotic she acts, and I actually shouted at her on videochat yesterday to just stop pestering me, come or don't come. Then I blocked her for a few hours to try to enjoy my night. Cooled off and unblocked this morning.

Well, she's just informed me she's moving across the country to live with her mother so she can save up her welfare for a year. She won't be going to school or working, because there's nothing to do out there.

I responded, I think, too harshly. I was being honest, and said I wouldn't want to hear from her everyday while she was living on welfare with her mother in the sticks. I confessed our interactions lately were stressing me out and bringing me down. I suggested maybe we stop talking altogether. I'm really feeling just downright scornful, and my tongue is getting too sharp. At the heart of it, of course, is my disappointment at a lover who'd rather do drugs than spend Valentine's day with me, who can't get their life together enough to even function.    

I know living with mom on welfare isn't what she wants for herself. She's told me so many times, she wants to live in our warm, seaside state, she wants to finish school and make art. She's 31, time's running out. She begs me to let her live with me again so she can finish school here, but we tried that already and it ended with her hospitalized.  

I can't understand why she refuses to get a crappy job, rent a crappy room, and put herself through school. Or, I think she told me if she chooses to stay in her group home, they have a program she can go to college for free! She acts like it's all impossible, when it's actually pretty easy, and I'm running low on empathy and tired of excuses.    

I'm being really harsh on someone who is mentally ill, and I cannot find my empathy. Reminding myself she's really sweet somewhere underneath all that BPD, and she's a fantastic lover and a generous person, and she does love me as best she can. But enough already.

  

[Mutt]

Hi Lady Itone,



It has to be hard to a see someone that you care a lot struggling to function.

She acts like it's all impossible, when it's actually pretty easy, and I'm running low on empathy and tired of excuses. 

It’s easier when your functioning it’s pretty hard when you’re not functioning. That being said she’s probably not in a functional state this week I think that’s why she keeps changing the dates.

You have a right to feel the way that you do. You could just celebrate Valentines on a different when she’s feeling better?

[Lady Itone]

You could just celebrate Valentines on a different when she’s feeling better?

I could. And my guess is she'll decide to come. Except now if she's moving across the country I'm not sure I want to see her at all, too painful to know I won't see her again a very long time.

Anyway I apologized for being harsh then told her I feel I need to cease communication for a couple days, then set her to "ignore." I can't deal with her constantly bothering me and I want it to stop one way or another.

I really have no interest in a relationship that's more online than IRL. I can maintain something casual with someone a few hours away, but the truth is I'm not going to want to talk to her much at all if she moves further.  But I don't want her to base her life decisions on me, either.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LI,

Any progress since your last post?  I'm curious to know how things have gone after having a communication break and whether you are still going to see her.  It's possible that she announced she was moving away to try to cause you to react by asking her not to, and giving in to her requests to have her back living with you.  I'd tend to not bring it up and see if she mentions it again herself.  When she doesn't get the reaction she hopes for, she may go back to remaining where she is.  This hunch is based on my own experience with my ex, who would make all kinds of statements about what he was going to do which would mean we'd never see one another again, in a bid to get me to cave and allow him to move into my home permanently.  I'm interested to hear an update from you when you're able.

Love and light x

[Lady Itone]

Hi LI,

Any progress since your last post?  I'm curious to know how things have gone after having a communication break and whether you are still going to see her.  It's possible that she announced she was moving away to try to cause you to react by asking her not to, and giving in to her requests to have her back living with you. 

Bingo.

After a couple days of NC, I just quietly unblocked her on all fronts, and she very politely called to inform me of the dates she'd be coming, which happened to be the original dates we agreed on.

Valentine's day was great with no drama. She was happy with the fancy macaroons I got her, and I did not care that she ate all but 3 of the chocolates she got me on the bus ride here, . Yesterday we had a beautiful day at the beach, though we argued at dinner because I felt she was drinking too much.

Right now, she's walking downtown to where she thinks she left her phone last night (sigh,) then will try to find a pharmacist willing to fill her adderall prescription two days early (HUGE sigh.)

The moving in with her mom thing for a bit is still a possibility, but she seems to be leaning more towards staying where she is and getting some school credits, though she has transportation issues there, everything's far away. Ultimately, she wants to get into the group home in my city which is near the community college. She went there yesterday to try to get an intake appointment, but they're all backed up so no real progress there.

We've argued a bit back and forth because she wants to stay a couple days longer, we'll see. It's very hard to focus on my life with her hanging around the house all day waiting for me to get off work and entertain her, plus I have other friends coming into town today who want some attention from me. On the other hand, it's so nice having kisses and cuddles and companionship.

I'm guessing once she gets her adderall she'll want to leave. I bring her "down" when she's high by getting pissed if she wants to stay up all night and make art.

She's ratcheting up the love-bombing to the 10th degree. I think a lot of that really just is that she misses me and is so happy to be spending time with me, but I also suspect she's on good behavior in hopes I'll relent to letting her come "home." Believe me, I'd love to just give in to that, but I'm just not ready yet. Not until she's been stable long-term and is on track towards making a living.

One problem I've having: I'm hyper-vigilant to anything that might set her off into psychosis, meaning I'm on her back about drinking too much (which is pretty much what everyone does when they come to my party town) taking her meds, etc., which just annoys her. I can't fully relax around her and trust that she's in control of herself, which sucks. 

Thank you so much for caring! It's so nice to have people to hash this stuff out with!

[SunandMoon]

Hi Lady I 

I'm glad Valentine's ended up being good after all!

It's worrying that your gf is still abusing aderall and I totally understand your feeling of wanting to control her drinking, meds, etc after her last crash.

It sounds like the hospitalization, therapy and living in the group home hasn't really changed anything. Ultimately, she seems to want to pretend none of that happened and wants to move back "home" with you, while still abusing aderall and continuing to do all the things she was doing before.

Have I got that right? How do you feel about that, particularly looking into the future?

[AskingWhy]

The worst part of pwBPD is the "push/pull" dynamic.

You know she cares about your, but how far has her therapy taken her?

By agreeing to the dates you had set, it appears the tantrum has passed.

[Lady Itone]

She left this morning, I'm trying to process this past week.

Ok so she's drastically lowered her dosage of adderall and not done street drugs. She's compliant with her antipsychotics. She's maintaining sanity. At no time did things between us escalate into very bad territory, though we had some tense moments, we recovered equilibrium fairly quickly. We had many nice moments too.

She manipulated me into staying a couple extra days.I was ambivalent about it. But I was very dissapointed when she chose to take adderall our last evening together and stay up all night.
 
In the past I've raged at her when she does this, cried, argued even tried to throw her out. This sends her deeper into dysregulation causing her to feel unable/refuse to leave.This time, I played nice, left her alone and tried to chill. I was able to get her on her bus back to her group home this morning with minimal chaos.

I expressed my displeasure by refusing a goodbye kiss- harsh, I know, but I just couldnt. Then I explained why I was upset via text once I was sure she was safely out of town. She got upset but it's passed now we chatted a bit on the phone. She stayed rational throughout this.

 I might not let her stay here next time she comes to town, I might insist she get a hotel. I'd sleep with her there and I can go home if she decides to tweak all night.

How do I feel about all this? Not much, actually, kind of just watching. If I keep shutting doors and pulling back soon there won't be a relationship left.