Knowing that it’s finite

[Mutt]

I’m just wondering if anyone else shares similar feelings. This is my serious relationship after my divorce and it’s a 180 compared to previous relationships.

I’m not going to go through everything I’ll just go through a few things for one I don’t feel bad if my gf disagrees with me, I used to worry about saying the wrong thing because I really wanted to liked. Empathy is a huge one, she has empathy and I apply more empathy I try to think about how it feels for her before bringing something up.   Doing things for her and vice versa putting in as much as your getting or more it’s nice to have a reciprocal r/s.

The one I thing I noticed that I think about sometimes and it could be just worrying but I never thought about it going into my previous r/s’s. I know that there’s an obvious beginning but the r/s is finite and I’m not thinking that I met my soulmate and our r/s will last forever. I think that at the least the impact won’t be as bad as the last time because I feel more secure about myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

That sounds really beautiful Mutt. I honestly have no idea what it would be like to go into a relationship with normal, rational feelings. I'm so glad you have found someone that is empathetic, that you can share with and not have all hell break loose, and who shares with you too.   

[Radcliff]

Mutt, I'm thinking just like Tattered Heart.  It sounds like an excellent way to live!  I hope you both continue to enjoy being with each other, and you have a great Valentine's Day!  Yes, it may be finite.  That might be something to think about more at some point, but it sounds like you guys are happy with where you are?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi Mutt,

In the early stages it can be hard to predict the longevity of things... .Is there some specific reason this seems "finite"? Have you two talked about what you are looking for? Are you casually dating or open to more? Do you have a clear sense of what you want or are you just letting life be as it comes to you?

wishing you much happiness, pearl.

[Mutt]

Thanks for the supportive words all I thought about the reason why I wrote this thread it was just something that was on my mind. You hear it from different members on the detaching that they find it hard because they lost the one. That belief is something ingrained in pop culture and i just don’t believe in that magical thinking anymore my gf does though and that’s fine.

One way of looking at this thread is that it could sound like a complaint amongst the difficult things that members go through and I should be thankful of this r/s although I worked my tail off to get to where I am. I appreciate out pointing out that it’s nice and it truly is.

My thoughts went back to what pearlsw is suggesting and it’s knowing where the r/s is and where it’s going. I have fear of abandonment because it’s s theme that played out through my life my bio mom gave me up for adoption ( abandonment ) my adoptive mom died when I was young ( abandonment ) my adoptive father kicked me out of the house in my teens ( abandonment ) and my exuBPDw abandoned me. It is something that has creeped up in this r/s although I try to analyze where these feelings come from is it from my own issues is it fair to my gf? Obviously I’m not cured of abandonment fears I imagine that it would take something like CBT but I do have some basic skills to help me.

I don’t believe that she’s going to abandon me she really cares about me a lot. She was my youngest‘ s daycare teacher and she approached me the week before my youngest was going transfer from her room to another room she wouldn’t the opportunity to see me any longer. The kids told her I was moving and she offered to help me I knew her but didn’t know her like that. She asked me if I wanted a picture of my son and asked if she could send it by email and I finally clued in people don’t ask fir phone numbers anymore it’s Facebook or email etc.

We’ve been seeing each other since August of last year and I think that pearlsw is right there’s a part of me that’s wondering where things are going to go and currently things are good between us having gone through a divorce I don’t take the person for granted anymore. I hear her talk about future plans and I’m excluded out of this plans maybe it’s too soon? I do know thought that she’s really into me so there’s a part of me that fears loss that ted back to abandonment but I do feel confident that i would cope with better this time I have a really hard time with break ups. Today in the present i am happy and I know that she’s happy it’s not perfect but no one is we talk about issues as they come. It’s only been 7 months maybe I should hold off to find out where it’s going what do you all think?


PS Sorry for the rambling 

[Radcliff]

Hi Mutt,

All that you are saying makes total sense.  That is so cool that you connected with her!  It's a bit of a romantic story, actually.

It's good that you're aware of the abandonment issues, and telling us about that helps put your "finite" thoughts into perspective.

I'm no expert, but I think that the way to really get in trouble is if our attachment gets ahead of where the relationship really is.  So, if you're in a 7 mo. relationship, but are as attached as you'd be in a 7 year relationship, you may be in for some heartache.

It sounds like she is talking about plans for the future, but is not including you in them yet.  Don't worry, that's fine.  That's the place where all relationships start.  If she later talks about some plans that include you, then you'll know she's getting more serious.

How do you feel?  Do you think that this relationship could progress to a long term commitment, or do you see limitations in how well you're matched to each other that make you feel it is finite?  One way to get around abandonment issues is to take control and think about what you want.  If you just see this as a healing, pleasant relationship that is not a forever relationship, that is fine.

Another thing you could do is to just talk to her about it.  It might be a little scary.  I can think of two ways to go about it.  The most scary is to say some version of, "hey, what we have is really nice, where do you see this going?"  Perhaps a less scary way to approach things is to just talk with her about what she wants out of life, where she wants to go, what kind of relationship is her end goal, etc.  If she says, "I want to marry someone," talk with her about what she's looking for.  If you can manage to do it with a "friend" approach, like you genuinely want to know as her friend, but are not anxiously waiting to see if you fit her dreams, I bet you could get her talking.  If what she's looking for is different than who you are, then you can file that information away.

Getting back to taking control yourself, what are you looking for?  Do you want to get married someday?  Could she be the one?  If you know she's not, what's your time budget for how long to stay?

WW

[Panda39]

Yes relationships are finite... .you break up or someone dies that's life, so why focus on the end if you are happy in the relationship now?

How about just being in the now?  Be present and just enjoy your time together, getting to know each other better without jumping to the future beyond next week. 

What are you feeling now?  Do you enjoy each other's company?  Do you communicate well?  Are you able to be vulnerable with each other?  How do the two of you negotiate conflict/disagreement? Do you feel that your relationship is a healthy one?

I'm glad to hear that you are being an observer of your own relationship.  I think this is good... .being in it but also being able to see it from an outside perspective... .heart and brain both playing a part.

Panda39