Do I have BPD too?

[xyz-Girl]

Hello,

So i had the most exhausting conversation with my ex who is a pwBPD. long story short, he was saying that I have issues that I need to fix, that he loves me but pretty much it is all my fault bc I react a lot to his comments and ways. That i have some mental issues that I need to figure out because i am in denial and make excuses. That he has been on treatment for years and he is awesome  and he is emotionally stable. He often says i put him down but that is not true, i don't do that or at least I don't try to. I am very susceptible of what he says because he is a very smart person that has being on treatment for a long time now, and when he says this stuff really makes me question my sanity. Is this normal for pwBPD to do? or should I really try to seek therapy and a diagnosis. I am currently with a therapist just to talk about my personal stuff and have a different insight but she has never mention anything to me about having mental issues.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

 xyzGirl,



I spot some all or nothing thinking emotional immaturity with blaming others and possible projection. I think that it’s a good idea to get feedback from others a r/s takes two people it’s not all one person’s fault it’s equally divided.

I questioned my mental health too with my uBPDexw because we’d discuss something then later she’d recant and swear that she said something completely different reality changed often and I started thinking maybe I am missing some parts here.

He’s blaming everything on you and saying that you’re the one with all of the problems. I think he could be triggered with anxiety and stress that belongs to him. Did you ask him a question we’re he would have self reflect or take ownership of something? It really sounds like projection to me.

[SlyQQ]

You need to look at gaslighting, People with BPD are great at making you feel crazy,

and project there crazy onto you ( the fact you think you might have BPD means you probably don't)

having said that it is possible, but unlikely he maybe right, people with BPD normally know there is something very wrong with them and are in real denial.

look at your family history, and early childhood for some clues.

[xyz-Girl]

xyzGirl,



I spot some all or nothing thinking emotional immaturity with blaming others and possible projection. I think that it’s a good idea to get feedback from others a r/s takes two people it’s not all one person’s fault it’s equally divided.

I questioned my mental health too with my uBPDexw because we’d discuss something then later she’d recant and swear that she said something completely different reality changed often and I started thinking maybe I am missing some parts here.

He’s blaming everything on you and saying that you’re the one with all of the problems. I think he could be triggered with anxiety and stress that belongs to him. Did you ask him a question we’re he would have self reflect or take ownership of something? It really sounds like projection to me.


[/quote]

Mutt, thank you for your insight. I am so confused at this point, our relationship is complicated. I was reading about conflic cycle and empathy listening, which I clearly lack. I think i have some communication issues yes but not to the mental illness kind, i don't think so. Our issues are often misunderstandings, and they get pretty nasty, we don't call each other names bc i strictely prohibited before, he used to do that and i couldnt bare it. So now, he doesnt do it but he gets really angry bc we don't see eye to eye. So seems like he has being questioning his love for me, at least that is why he says, bc we have a long distance relationship, so he asked me to have an open one and i refused. I am still offended by the proposition and to him it was nothing, he wanted me to react in a better way, even tho we talked about it like civilians but at the end broke up. So because i don't agree with his way of thinking he gets all worked up. I found out he had a date on thursday for example and asked him about his day on thursday. he didn't want to talk about it, very fishy right? anyway, I don't even remember how we stopped the conversation and then he texted me back saying that yes, he went out on a date, that he wanted to be honest, that was all. What was his intention? he just wanted to tell me this after we decided to not having contact anymore? So once he confirmed, I said that i figured that was the case and that i really appreciate if that was it between us, that i hope he understands why i think he doesnt appreciate me or respect me. Then he started this new issue about me being immature and that's why he is not in love with me anymore... .

then he proceeded to say that it was all my fault bc i have communication issues, and he had tried to make it work with me but all i do is react to his comments and that i am in denial if i think i have no issues. I mentioned to him also before that I have been reading a lot about his condition to understand more and i feel he is projecting his fears to me. He said that is BS and he has being on therapy, that he couldn't be more fixed. He just doesnt accept he does wrong. idk what to say or think or do at this point. I had a horrible break down after that conversation, he really made me feel crazy and guilty. How bad can his BPD be? I am new to this behavior, we were so good not long ago and now it feels like everything went down hill out of no reasonable explanation.

[xyz-Girl]

You need to look at gaslighting, People with BPD are great at making you feel crazy,

and project there crazy onto you ( the fact you think you might have BPD means you probably don't)

having said that it is possible, but unlikely he maybe right, people with BPD normally know there is something very wrong with them and are in real denial.

look at your family history, and early childhood for some clues.

Yes, I don't think I have it. I never thought about it but I feel that I do the push and pulling thing too, but i don't think that is all right? So sometimes i feel i have some traits but i never had any interpersonal issues in my life, I am genuinely very happy and nice person but BPDp really triggers me. I use to have another ex that was undiagnosed. I now think he totally had it, and it was a very bad relationship, very toxic. So if I have something, I might have a weakness for pwBPD right? what does that mean? do you know any type of personality that feels attraction for pwBPD? I have had other relationships before, healthy ones, so it is not that i only fall for BPDp. What do you think?

[Astronomancer]

Hey!

I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this too. My situation, he would often make me feel crazy and confused when I already had trouble knowing my own self and emotions. I don’t think they do it on purpose. It seems like a defensive response when they get frustrated by results they don’t like—anxiety, etc.

My guy would tell me things like, “You don’t understand,” “I’ve never had to explain myself so much to someone,” and even called me flat out stupid a few times. But on the other hand, he’d also lead me on and tell me things that were re opposite of any negative things. It’s like dealing with two completely different people. Even now, I have no idea what he’s thinking. I personally am just going to talk with my therapist and see what advice she has since I specifically looked for someone versed in personality disorders like BPD. once I started researching more and more, I realized mistakes I had made that are now in the past but I know for the future how to handle high stress situations where it doesn’t devolve into a horrible argument. Patience and remaining calm are so necessary I’m starting to see.

[xyz-Girl]

Hey!

I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this too. My situation, he would often make me feel crazy and confused when I already had trouble knowing my own self and emotions. I don’t think they do it on purpose. It seems like a defensive response when they get frustrated by results they don’t like—anxiety, etc.

My guy would tell me things like, “You don’t understand,” “I’ve never had to explain myself so much to someone,” and even called me flat out stupid a few times. But on the other hand, he’d also lead me on and tell me things that were re opposite of any negative things. It’s like dealing with two completely different people. Even now, I have no idea what he’s thinking. I personally am just going to talk with my therapist and see what advice she has since I specifically looked for someone versed in personality disorders like BPD. once I started researching more and more, I realized mistakes I had made that are now in the past but I know for the future how to handle high stress situations where it doesn’t devolve into a horrible argument. Patience and remaining calm are so necessary I’m starting to see.

Absolutely, I am informing myself more now about dealing with this type of behavior. He is high functioning so it is not that often that we get into fights like this, oh well now a break up right?... .So i never consider his illness be this bad. I talked to my therapist about everything today, I am really depressed, grieving the loss, and trying to not thinking about if it was all my fault, if i really did wrong to him, if I actually have mental health issues. My therapist said i do not have a mental health issues, I am only going thru a really stressful time in my live, and every emotion i am feeling is completely normal, even tho some of those emotions are really intense, it is part of the healing process. I had an anxiety attack episode where I thought i was losing it last night, i think it was triggered by some kind of abandonment fear. He was the person I thought i would be with for a long time, I risked a lot for him and i truly love him. My issue right now is if his actions, of disrespect and under appreciation for myself, are really caused by his BPD or he is just not in love with me anymore and he just does not value me any longer? I am having a hard time drawing that line. Of course i don't want to be treated like this and i do still love him, but is he consciously doing this to me or this is all part of his condition? I am so confused, and Idk what to do because i am scared he would do this again to me. I don't know if i could handle this pain again.

thanks for the talk btw

[Astronomancer]

Absolutely, I am informing myself more now about dealing with this type of behavior. He is high functioning so it is not that often that we get into fights like this, oh well now a break up right?... .So i never consider his illness be this bad. I talked to my therapist about everything today, I am really depressed, grieving the loss, and trying to not thinking about if it was all my fault, if i really did wrong to him, if I actually have mental health issues. My therapist said i do not have a mental health issues, I am only going thru a really stressful time in my live, and every emotion i am feeling is completely normal, even tho some of those emotions are really intense, it is part of the healing process. I had an anxiety attack episode where I thought i was losing it last night, i think it was triggered by some kind of abandonment fear. He was the person I thought i would be with for a long time, I risked a lot for him and i truly love him. My issue right now is if his actions, of disrespect and under appreciation for myself, are really caused by his BPD or he is just not in love with me anymore and he just does not value me any longer? I am having a hard time drawing that line. Of course i don't want to be treated like this and i do still love him, but is he consciously doing this to me or this is all part of his condition? I am so confused, and Idk what to do because i am scared he would do this again to me. I don't know if i could handle this pain again.

thanks for the talk btw

Thanks for reaching out to me too.
Honestly, the hardest thing to accept is that... .We can't really know for sure what they are thinking? I think?
BPD controls his thinking as well as emotions. He very much feels the things he feels when he feels them because in the moment they are his reality, but they are subject to change. Before I started to get wise on how to deal with the emotional outbursts and sudden hot to cold treatments, I let them ruin me emotionally. I felt like they were traumatizing to the point they triggered all of my bad emotions. But this reaction/response behavior to someone who is struggling with BPD has not helped anyone and it won't help us to understand these people. It is hard, but it is a choice. You are not a victim; you are a kind and loving person who has had some unfortunate mishaps with a relationship you cherished. Since you and I are going through similar (except e and J were not technically dating), I can just say that you are strong enough to keep your head up and again, the best thing we can do is just try to live our lives. I keep thinking about if J does come back, how will things be between us? I will try not to make things awkward anymore and just move on from it.  Try to get him to laugh, and go back to enjoying the things we used to without pressuring him. This has always worked and it generally made him feel safer, but everyone is different. He has "left" uncountable times, but we did go two months without that at all. I know it will happen again. It will most likely happen again to you too. The fact of the matter is that it isn't something you can control, just learn to manage and hopefully lower the risks when push comes to shove. You can learn from this and even make yourself a more patience, stronger person... .and I help myself by remembering that I did not cause his trauma in his life and I can't fix him; I can only be his support if he chooses to stay in my life!

LOTS OF HUGS! 

[once removed]

people with BPD are, for lack of a better word, needy. what complicates matters further is that theyre generally not good at communicating their needs.

from 30000 ft up, it sounds like that is what hes telling you. a combination of "do this" and "thats not good enough".

its a losing battle if you get sucked into it, and keep trying harder and harder to do everything exactly right.

people with BPD are also hypersensitive to voice and body language. it is not uncommon for something you say, intended as innocent, to be received as hurtful or attacking him.

have you gotten acquainted with the tools to the right of the board? half the battle is really letting him feel heard, and validating the valid (lots of people are picky about how theyre treated in relationships, but most are better at communicating it) and surviving the disrespect. when he starts telling you how you think and feel, that you have mental issues, etc, thats not a conversation you can win, and trying to validates the invalid. learning not to JADE in those situations can give you a lot more space and peace.

[xyz-Girl]

Thanks for reaching out to me too.
Honestly, the hardest thing to accept is that... .We can't really know for sure what they are thinking? I think?
BPD controls his thinking as well as emotions. He very much feels the things he feels when he feels them because in the moment they are his reality, but they are subject to change. Before I started to get wise on how to deal with the emotional outbursts and sudden hot to cold treatments, I let them ruin me emotionally. I felt like they were traumatizing to the point they triggered all of my bad emotions. But this reaction/response behavior to someone who is struggling with BPD has not helped anyone and it won't help us to understand these people. It is hard, but it is a choice. You are not a victim; you are a kind and loving person who has had some unfortunate mishaps with a relationship you cherished. Since you and I are going through similar (except e and J were not technically dating), I can just say that you are strong enough to keep your head up and again, the best thing we can do is just try to live our lives. I keep thinking about if J does come back, how will things be between us? I will try not to make things awkward anymore and just move on from it.  Try to get him to laugh, and go back to enjoying the things we used to without pressuring him. This has always worked and it generally made him feel safer, but everyone is different. He has "left" uncountable times, but we did go two months without that at all. I know it will happen again. It will most likely happen again to you too. The fact of the matter is that it isn't something you can control, just learn to manage and hopefully lower the risks when push comes to shove. You can learn from this and even make yourself a more patience, stronger person... .and I help myself by remembering that I did not cause his trauma in his life and I can't fix him; I can only be his support if he chooses to stay in my life!

LOTS OF HUGS! 

Thanks for all your words too! It feels good to find someone that doesn't think I am an idiot for loving a person who behaves like this. I am sure I trigger him, and he really triggers me too. I am such a relax independent person, i think that is an issue too, plus the distance, plus the difference in culture and taste in lifestyle. There are many things we are different at but i never thought about not fighting for him, now i am hesitating even to think about getting back together, besides i don't even know if he will reach out to me again, he seemed pretty upset to me on our last interaction. It is easier for us to stayed mad at eachother and not talk since we are not close and we only see eachother everr two weeks. maybe i won't see him ever again, idk. And yes, i agree about moving on with our lives. It is the best we can do, who knows if we will end up meeting other person on the way. I truly hope tho that he finds that person that will stay with him forever, with all the push and pull situation, it is hard to keep sane  this whole situation has really triggered my anxiety and that is something really painful to me, idk if I want to be exposed to the rollercoaster again, i might have another breakdown that could really scar me forever, idk.

[xyz-Girl]

people with BPD are, for lack of a better word, needy. what complicates matters further is that theyre generally not good at communicating their needs.

from 30000 ft up, it sounds like that is what hes telling you. a combination of "do this" and "thats not good enough".

its a losing battle if you get sucked into it, and keep trying harder and harder to do everything exactly right.

people with BPD are also hypersensitive to voice and body language. it is not uncommon for something you say, intended as innocent, to be received as hurtful or attacking him.

have you gotten acquainted with the tools to the right of the board? half the battle is really letting him feel heard, and validating the valid (lots of people are picky about how theyre treated in relationships, but most are better at communicating it) and surviving the disrespect. when he starts telling you how you think and feel, that you have mental issues, etc, thats not a conversation you can win, and trying to validates the invalid. learning not to JADE in those situations can give you a lot more space and peace.

I wish i could have known the JADE theory before to see if that could have helped with my relationship. It is hard for me to see now what are his real intentions, we don't fight like this often, this is the first time we have broken up this bad so idk how to interpret this situation. I am definitely reading more about coping and interpreting actions of people with BPD. I am having trouble tho at seeing how this one sided, for most of the time, relationship will be beneficial in the long run for anyone. I mean I love him so much but man! it is such work! my brain is fried from crying all day and trying to reason this whole situation and it is not helping my own life. I must say that I am not an emotionally stable person atm, he has played with my feelings and my self-esteem has being compromised with him. I am questioning everything at this point, so I think i need to find a balance for myself first and then try to think about this whole situation. Meanwhile I will keep learning and hopefully come to a conclusion of what happened with my relationship with me. I am sure i must have some kind of responsibility in this, not sure about his words tho. Thanks for your comment! it really helps me to talk to people that know about this better than i do.