Question: What's the difference between holding responsible and blame?

[DaughterOfHera]

I want to let go of blaming my parents for not being up to being parents, particularly since they were ill.  What is the difference between holding them responsible for their words & actions versus blaming them?  What does this look like?  I no longer have contact with them, this is strictly for my own healing.  I'm tired.

[Feeling Better]

Hello DaughterOfHera

You ask what is the difference between holding your parents responsible and blaming them. I personally think that our parents have a responsibility for our upbringing but some parents may struggle with this, for whatever reason. If we feel that they didn’t do the best that they could given their circumstances, then, we could hold them accountable for neglecting their responsibilities. Blame,on the other hand, can sometimes be misplaced.

I’m not the best at explaining or expressing my thoughts, but I hope that you can understand what I mean. Others might have a different take on it x

[strength_love]

I believe strongly in the David Wong quote, "What you feel inside only matters because of what it makes you do." In some ways it's another take on the concept that 'actions speak louder than words'. To me the distinction between 'responsibility' and 'blame' is entirely academic. The real question is, what am I going to do about what was done to me?

It can be helpful to understand what we get out of holding parents responsible for how they raised us. What purpose does it serve for us and our healing?

Well, for one thing, acknowledging that my parents were fully responsible for my care but did a terrible job of it - that honors my lived experience. It honors the reality I lived and have had to deal with throughout my life. It enables me to stop blaming myself for not being 'good enough' or 'worthy of care' or 'loved enough' and put the responsibility where it really lies - with my parents.

It also has a practical purpose of making it possible for me to properly understand what really happened to me, and do deal with the impacts of those events. A factual understanding of what happened and who was responsible helps me to face reality, basically. Making excuses for them and for their behaviour would only hold me back in that child place where I want my parents to be perfect. Accepting them for the flawed people they were allows me to grow up and move on.

All in all, holding them responsible empowers me to forgive myself, process my grief and move on.

On the other hand, if I were to use my parent's behaviour as an excuse to not improve myself and my life - if I used it to allow myself to wallow in self-pity and step away from the hard work of growth - then that's where it becomes pointless blame.

There are people in my life who do that - who use a bad childhood as an excuse for their bad behaviour, and then blame their parents. "I am this way because my parents made me this way." That might have been true when we were children but we are adults now and need to take responsibility for our lives and our behaviour. It can never be my parents fault if I yell at you or hit you or behave inappropriately. I am an adult.

We have no control over what others do to us, especially as children. But we have complete control over how we respond to what was done to us. We have a choice there. And the response we choose defines our experience of life.

My personal response to what was done to me was to accept what happened and take responsibility for my healing. I've come to understand the various factors that brought those events about, and accepted them for what they are - tragic human shortcomings that I had no control over and no choice about as a child. I have let go and moved on and continue to work on my healing.

In the end I think the best answer I can give for your question is to urge you to focus internally on yourself rather than on them and what they did to you. Ask yourself what purposes your feelings serve for you - good and bad - and decide from there what you want to do about those feelings.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Daughterofhera, 

It's good to hear from you! You've gotten some good responses from Strength_love
and  Feeling Better already. 

You are asking a great question.  Have you ever taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? In particular, click on #5 under "Remembering." There are some good answers there to your question. What do you think after taking time to read this?

 
Wools