Having second thoughts after long talk w/ex wBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been wavering back and forth between what to do for sometime with my ex wBPD. She and I had a really awful breakup 5 months ago that involved a near arrest, her trying to get me fired from my job, two suicide attempts, a public smear campaign against me, and 4 months of harassing.

We spoke for the first time in 5 months this weekend, and it really went beyond my expectations. She has been in intense therapy since December and was entirely aware of her actions being wrong. She sobbed and cried and apologized, telling me she knew she did horrible things and felt almost like it was an out of body experience after her suicide attempt. She took full responsibility, told me she learned that her emotions were impulsive and she's triggered by romantic relationships and the fear of losing me. She said she always felt she was on borrowed time when we were together. She apologized for accusing me of cheating constantly, asked if she could write my family, and let me know that she knew her therapy and mental health were here responsibility and not mine or anyone else's.

That said, she is moving 3.5 hours away for a terrific job opportunity. She wants to try to work through things while we are long distance, but we would really have no plans to be in the same city beyond me moving to her hometown in 1-2 years, which would require me to take another exam given my job. She assured me she already has a doctor lined up in her hometown and will be enrolling in DBT to make sure she doesn't have any lapses in treatment.

I told her that I was so proud of her, we cried for a long time and talked about the problems we had. She told me she still loved me and even during the 5 months apart, she never doubted I was her soulmate.

All of this made me feel better knowing she was taking all of this seriously, but the distance and move are now a massive issue. I am establishing myself here in my career, recently was promoted and have good connections in this community. I have nothing in her hometown. She wants to have dinner with me tomorrow, which I'd like to do, but I also don't want her to think we're back together. She's only here for another month and I have no idea what the set up would be after she moves and we are apart. I work long hours so the ability to travel every two weeks would be difficult. I don't want to hurt her though... .I do still care a lot about her and wish she had made these strides while we were together. She wasn't diagnosed with BPD until after we broke up and was untreated the entire time we dated.

[southside420]

I have been wavering back and forth between what to do for sometime with my ex wBPD. She and I had a really awful breakup 5 months ago that involved a near arrest, her trying to get me fired from my job, two suicide attempts, a public smear campaign against me, and 4 months of harassing.

We spoke for the first time in 5 months this weekend, and it really went beyond my expectations. She has been in intense therapy since December and was entirely aware of her actions being wrong. She sobbed and cried and apologized, telling me she knew she did horrible things and felt almost like it was an out of body experience after her suicide attempt. She took full responsibility, told me she learned that her emotions were impulsive and she's triggered by romantic relationships and the fear of losing me. She said she always felt she was on borrowed time when we were together. She apologized for accusing me of cheating constantly, asked if she could write my family, and let me know that she knew her therapy and mental health were here responsibility and not mine or anyone else's.

That said, she is moving 3.5 hours away for a terrific job opportunity. She wants to try to work through things while we are long distance, but we would really have no plans to be in the same city beyond me moving to her hometown in 1-2 years, which would require me to take another exam given my job. She assured me she already has a doctor lined up in her hometown and will be enrolling in DBT to make sure she doesn't have any lapses in treatment.

I told her that I was so proud of her, we cried for a long time and talked about the problems we had. She told me she still loved me and even during the 5 months apart, she never doubted I was her soulmate.

All of this made me feel better knowing she was taking all of this seriously, but the distance and move are now a massive issue. I am establishing myself here in my career, recently was promoted and have good connections in this community. I have nothing in her hometown. She wants to have dinner with me tomorrow, which I'd like to do, but I also don't want her to think we're back together. She's only here for another month and I have no idea what the set up would be after she moves and we are apart. I work long hours so the ability to travel every two weeks would be difficult. I don't want to hurt her though... .I do still care a lot about her and wish she had made these strides while we were together. She wasn't diagnosed with BPD until after we broke up and was untreated the entire time we dated.

[Mutt]

Hi southside420,

She is an adult can make her own choices. I can see how it would complicate seeing each other if she moves away. It is good to hear that she’s working on herself  M’a be with everything that happened and the fact that you you haven’t talked in months could have been her rock bottom and catalyst for change. If she wants to get better she’ll make it to her appointments, I’d observe what she does.

[southside420]

Hi southside420,

She is an adult can make her own choices. I can see how it would complicate seeing each other if she moves away. It is good to hear that she’s working on herself  M’a be with everything that happened and the fact that you you haven’t talked in months could have been her rock bottom and catalyst for change. If she wants to get better she’ll make it to her appointments, I’d observe what she does.

She says she's been going weekly since her diagnosis and plans to enroll in DBT along with a doctor when she moves. I've very proud of her, but the distance when she leaves will pose a problem, especially since I have no plans to relocate. I told her I had not written her off yet and was so happy she's taken the step to get help. I still do have some fears she will relapse though in the future and it will put me in danger and that's really what is holding me back. She has said she was mortified and embarrassed by her actions in the fall, understood why I felt traumatized and didn't want to ever be that person again. I hope I can trust her words.

[Lucky Jim]

She has said she was mortified and embarrassed by her actions in the fall, understood why I felt traumatized and didn't want to ever be that person again. I hope I can trust her words.

Hey southside420, Your Ex seems more self-aware than most who suffer from BPD, which is encouraging.  Rather than trust her words, you could put things in a holding pattern for now, in order to wait and see whether her actions correspond with her words.  Does that seem like a viable option for you?

LJ

[southside420]

Hey southside420, Your Ex seems more self-aware than most who suffer from BPD, which is encouraging.  Rather than trust her words, you could put things in a holding pattern for now, in order to wait and see whether her actions correspond with her words.  Does that seem like a viable option for you?

LJ

That is essentially what I want to do for now. With her leaving town, I am less confident things will work out than if she was still going to live here. I am trying to not get her hopes up of full reconciliation and have told her I have my doubts about a future with her 3.5 hours away and my life established here.

She wants to start having dinner 1-2 times a week before she leaves at the end of April and then wants to see how her move goes. She continues to tell me she loves me and knows I'm the one she is supposed to be with even after 5 months apart. But I am still cautious and concerned given her past with me. She assures me that person she will never come back, but I need to see that before I can feel comfortable. If we do end up meeting, it will be in public. I don't want to be somewhere alone with her whether it's for my own safety or because the chances we sleep together could be high. I can't open myself back up to false allegations. I'm still traumatized from the fall. I told her that.