Anyone else read or interested in reading this book and discussing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You Author: Kelly Flanagan, PhD Publisher: Zondervan (March 21, 2017) Paperback: 240 pages ISBN-10: 0310345162 ISBN-13: 978-0310345169

    I know there's a special section for book recommendations/discussion but since this book is really resonating with me in my "learning" stage, I thought I'd mention it here.
    This book was recommended to me by my therapist.  She is strongly recommending (okay, she's basically demanding) that I not consider dating until I understand my worth without needing others to tell me what it is.  This book is all about the need to understand our inherent worthiness and how looking for it in relationships or purpose is getting the cart before the horse.  
    I'm only a few chapters in but I've already got a lot to dwell on and I'm thinking I'll be that annoying friend who keeps quoting things out of this book to certain people in my life that need to hear them as much as I do.  
    Anyone else read or interested in reading this book and discussing?  
BeagleGirl

[BeagleGirl]

Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You Author: Kelly Flanagan, PhD Publisher: Zondervan (March 21, 2017) Paperback: 240 pages ISBN-10: 0310345162 ISBN-13: 978-0310345169

    I know there's a special section for book recommendations/discussion but since this book is really resonating with me in my "learning" stage, I thought I'd mention it here.
    This book was recommended to me by my therapist.  She is strongly recommending (okay, she's basically demanding) that I not consider dating until I understand my worth without needing others to tell me what it is.  This book is all about the need to understand our inherent worthiness and how looking for it in relationships or purpose is getting the cart before the horse.  
    I'm only a few chapters in but I've already got a lot to dwell on and I'm thinking I'll be that annoying friend who keeps quoting things out of this book to certain people in my life that need to hear them as much as I do.  
    Anyone else read or interested in reading this book and discussing?  
BeagleGirl

[clytie]

Hi,

I will definitely buy and read this book. I am sure it will enlighten me a lot before starting dating again. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.
Thank you.

[Stjarna]

I just ordered the book and would very much like to discuss as we read along!  Thanks for the recommendation!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Great idea!  I will buy and look forward to the discussions.

 

Mustbe

[LightAfterTunnel]

I’m in as well. I already ordered the book but it will take a couple weeks to arrive for me.

Looking forward to the discussion!
LAT

[Skip]

Let's jump in! The topic starts at 15 minutes in... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

I was able to download a free digital sample on Amazon if anyone is interested in getting a glimpse of the book before you receive your copy.

[xyz-Girl]

I was able to download a free digital sample on Amazon if anyone is interested in getting a glimpse of the book before you receive your copy.

Hey,

yes, please! I would really appreciate if you share that. I saw the audible is about $25.

[BeagleGirl]

Thanks Skip!

I was thinking that it might be a challenge to address this in a linear fashion as people wait on book delivery or speed read through it in a night, but chapter 4 talks about our stories being like a hike up a steep mountain.  We don't go straight up, we spiral around the mountain, seeing the same vistas repeatedly from higher and higher levels.  So I'm going to start the spiral and we can wave to eachother from different levels as we go along and clue each other in on new sights ahead.

I have been battling the words "not enough" a lot in the past year, so it was somewhat comforting to read that they are such a ubiquitous part of the human condition.  It's not just my dBPDstbxh, or my absent dad who left me feeling like "not enough".  Heck, society as a whole surrounds us with messages of "not enough".  

The idea that "underneath the underneath" is a spark of divine that makes us inherently worthy is something that resonated with me just as strongly as the idea that I am operating from a sense of "not enough".  The author's faith is pretty obvious from early on in the book and, while I'm not sure I fully understand and/or agree with some of his theology, the idea of the divine spark is something that I feel I "know" to be true in that form of knowledge that comes from faith.  The first few chapters built an excitement in me to tackle the pain and shame that lie underneath the persona I present to the world so I could get to that divine spark that resides beneath that painful layer.

So those were sights I enjoyed on the first part of my journey through this book, but there was a place that I chose to "set up camp" last night, and a place that I have "set up camp" today.  

Last night I wrote out a Valentine's letter to S14.  The bulk of that letter was a transcription of the letter found under the heading ":)ear Little Ones, You Are Enough (No Matter What)", personalized to have my son's name and some specifics about his achievements and failures.  When I read that letter it definitely resonated with me on a personal level, but it resonated more strongly as the things that I wanted my son to hear.  He's going through a period of time when he is failing both literally (Bible class) and figuratively, and I want him to know that I love and delight in him no less now than I did when he was meeting all of my expectations.  I want him to know that, while his actions have consequences, nothing he does changes who he is and who he is my precious son.  Why is it easier for me to know that about him (and others in my life) than to know it about myself?  I guess that's why I need to read this book.  

Today I am "camping out" in the idea that anger can serve as breadcrumbs that lead back to the wounding that called my worthiness into question.  I'm definitely angry today, so I love the idea that "anger is a bottomless resource - it can't be reduced by expressing it.  Anger begets anger.  Anger feeds on itself.  But anger can be exchanged.  It can be traded in for the next breadcrumb, which is usually fear.  And then your fear will lead you to your sorrow and sadness and grief.  But the good news is that sorrow, sadness, and grief do diminish when they are expressed, and something else begins to grow in their place: joy, lightness, tenderness, and, eventually and blessedly, forgiveness."

I have a feeling I will need to camp here for a while.  I had an appointment with my therapist today and I'm realizing that I'm not all that familiar with the process of following my anger where it leads.  I'm much better at expressing or suppressing it.  

One other realization I'm coming to is that I need to make some space in my life to climb this mountain.  I can't tell you the number of people in my life who are encouraging me to take some time for myself, and I know I would be telling anyone else in my situation to do so.  So I'm thinking about taking the cancellations in my work schedule next week as a sign.  I have a million things I could back fill those cancellations with, but I'm thinking that the better thing to do would be to go spend that time on a beach.  I have the resources to do so, and dBPDstbxh has custody next week... . 

Anyone else ready to share what this book has you contemplating?

[BeagleGirl]

Hey,

yes, please! I would really appreciate if you share that. I saw the audible is about $25.

I started out with the free Nookbook sample.  I'm a Barnes and Nobel gal, myself. 

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/loveable-kelly-flanagan/1123949206?ean=9780310345176#

BeagleGirl

[Mustbeabetterway]

XYZ girl, just go to the Amazon website and search for the book and it gives you the opportunity to receive a free sample on your Kindle or Kindle app.  It listed the digital book edition as $9.95 and hard copy as $10 and change.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, I'm interested to participate in the discussion.

Concerning anger, I find that if you flip over the anger rock you often find that are you are hurt or wounded from a past event that comes out as anger in the present.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Great idea BG!  I've bought the book so will have more to add when it arrives.  Following on from Lucky Jim, I too have found in my own experiences that anger is directly connected to pain.  I think of the two as bound together.  Well done on deciding to head to the beach.  I vote follow your instinct  

Love and light x

[Skip]

Anyone else ready to share what this book has you contemplating?

I've listed to the audio clip in Reply #5, and his comment that he expected his work and his relationship partner to give him a sense of worthiness. It is a really an interesting observation.

How many of us are doing this?

When we have loss or struggle with a sense of direction in our lives it usually traces back to issues with our sense of worthiness. The foundation of our lives is built on a sense of worthiness. What we often do (beginning in childhood) once we loss our sense of worthiness and encounter shame is to say "what is inside of me isn't good enough and now I need to go outside of me and find something that will make me feel good enough". One of t he first places we look is relationships and our accomplishments (work). Many of us give in to the temptation of looking to our relationship partner to build and instill a sense of worthiness and but an enormous burden of them. And many of us delve into our work for the same reason.

Neither of these can restore our sense of worthiness. It has to come from within. ~ Kelly Flanagan, PhD (paraphrased)

[LightAfterTunnel]

I’m still waiting for my copy but... .

It took me years of therapy to realize that I was blocking my anger. I literally had become an expert at deflection and covering up. Through therapy, when I realized that I should harness my anger and feel beyond it to the underlying issues, it was almost always fear and shame I found. And farther beyond at the bottom was a sense of unworthiness.

Now, I harness my anger but that phase lasts very little as I transition into my truer feelings below. I don’t know about you all but I find anger very interesting... .that is I don’t get it. To me, it’s almost as if it should function as a transitory feeling and no more. It’s our body’s call to arms and our mind’s call to wake up and feel.

I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone to feel anger as anything but transitory.

[BeagleGirl]

I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone to feel anger as anything but transitory.

This sentence caught my attention. 

I'll start by saying that I definitely can't claim to be an expert at harnessing or dealing with my anger in the most healthy way.  I tend to squash it and let it build up the layer of shame that keeps me from that core of worthiness. 

But the sentence above made me think of dBPDstbxh.  My counselor (who was his counselor as well for over a year until he painted her black) feels that he is operating out of constant stream of anger.  She kept encouraging him to sit with his anger, own it, and work through it.  If she's right, he's made anger his constant companion.  Kelly Flanagan says in Loveable that anger is the ultimate renewable energy source.  It doesn't diminish with expression.  It builds upon itself.  I can see how that could become the driving power behind many of dBPDstbxh's actions.  I can also see how a sense of victimization and anger would become a self sustaining cycle. 

I don't know if I'm following the right "breadcrumbs" from my anger to my worthiness, but I have spent the last day or so realizing that part of what is keeping me angry is feeling helpless.  I'm also realizing how I'm surrendering to the victim role in some ways.  I believe that I need to take some action, but want to wait a bit longer so that I can act out of worthiness rather than anger.

Does that make sense to anyone else?  Does anyone have a story that represents following the breadcrumbs from fear to worthiness and acting out of that?

BG

[heartandwhole]

I’ve just finished the book. I found myself completely absorbed in the first half, where Flanagan talks about feeling worthy and dealing with shame. The tenderness that emanates from his sincerity and writing style had me in tears many times during this part of the book. So much resonated with me, especially the part about looking outside to build a sense of worthiness. I think in many modern societies, we are practically trained to do this.

The second half (not sure if it was really the halfway point—let’s just say the later part) of the book resonated less with me. It felt like it morphed into a typical self-help-follow-your-passion-type book. Not a thing wrong with that, but I was hoping for more depth into worthiness. He does memtion in the last pages, that the book switched gears while writing— it “wrote him,” — so I understand that. Just my personal preference.

There is compassion and understanding dripping from the pages. His discussion of the ego seemed spot on to me, too. I just felt there was more lurking in the “underneath the underneath” that wasn’t addressed.

Definitely recommend it, and will reread, as I’m sure there are things I’ve missed or misinterpreted the first go round.

heart

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello all, heartandwhole, I was just reading and thinking about what is lurking underneath the underneath, I am struggling with loss.  Particularly, the loss of my dreams of a wonderful warm relationship with my spouse.  I have been fighting and struggling for so very long.  So long to be the perfect person that everyone in my life needs.  I want to let go and believe that I am the imperfect person that can thrive and live and have relationships.  I want to let my facade drop and just be enough.

I have been giving this some thought. My father suffered from debilitating depression.  I never felt like I was enough for him.  He told me he loved me, but I wanted him to be proud of me.  He never told me he was proud of me.  .  I won contests and scholarships, but in the end he lumped me together with my brothers and said he was disappointed in all of his children.  I now see that I moved straight through trying to prove to my husband how great I am. 

How do we let ourselves, as we are, be enough?  When I want something, I tend to pour on the steam and work really hard at it.  I don’t think being enough can be achieved.  It just has to be.  Just breathe and be.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mustbeabetterway,

Thank you for your moving reply. It touched my heart. Probably because I can identify with it so much. 

I think many of us here struggle with attempting to obtain self-worth from "doing" for others. It's wonderful to support and help others, but when that behavior is intimately tied to our sense of worthiness, I think it can be a problem.

I don’t think being enough can be achieved.  It just has to be.  Just breathe and be.

Right on! You said it right there. We are enough just for being. Not doing. Being. And Flanagan does a great job of getting that message through in the book, in my opinion.

I think breathing and getting still allows us to tap into another part of ourselves—the underneath of the underneath—which, to me, is the "truest" part of ourselves. That space is compassion, love, total acceptance. Acceptance of everything—the good, bad, and ugly, as well as the lofty and inspirational. To me it's like an warm embrace that is absolutely rock solid in all circumstances. Always there.

When we forget who we are, or just get totally distracted by our thoughts, feelings, and events in life, it can feel like we have trouble accessing this space, but it is always there, in fact, it's who we are. That's been my experience, at least. 

heartandwhole

[Stjarna]

I just got my copy of the book and am about halfway through it.  It is easy to read, and I love the simple metaphors Kelly uses.  I am a visual learner, probably on the autism spectrum (I have two children and several grandchildren diagnosed as autistic to varying degrees), and these help me absorb and learn better.

I love in Chapter 7 - Why the Secret to Being Worthy is Doing Nothing - where he talks about getting caught in the refrigerator, drinking cherry Kool-Aid, with red teeth, and that being a moment of shame that jarred him out of blissful "unconsciousness" at age 5.  I love that he says, "It's possible my father handled it perfectly.  It's possible he didn't," that it was his own feeling of shame that was captured in the moment - no blame expressed at all.  We hear so much about BPD being caused by childhood trauma or abandonment, which seems to place blame on parents (which reminds me of the early autism writings that blamed the "refrigerator mother".  It's nice to hear for once that it's part of being human, and our own shame can form despite loving parenting.  

He goes on to say that a next deep memory was of bringing home a gold soccer trophy, and the feeling that now he felt worthiness, and that our lives end up being a pendulum between shame and worthiness, red teeth and gold trophies.   He asks us if we remember that people loved us just a little bit more when we were doing or saying everything right or if they seemed to like us a little less if we spilled grape juice on the new carpet.  Our sense of worthiness gets fused with our actions, and then this is reinforced our entire lives by report cards, bosses, spouses, etc.  

Good stuff!  Thank you for sharing the book, BeagleGirl.  

[BeagleGirl]

I think breathing and getting still allows us to tap into another part of ourselves—the underneath of the underneath—which, to me, is the "truest" part of ourselves.

When we forget who we are, or just get totally distracted by our thoughts, feelings, and events in life, it can feel like we have trouble accessing this space, but it is always there, in fact, it's who we are. That's been my experience, at least. 

Lately I have been having more times where I feel like I'm connecting to my true self.  Last Wednesday was one of them and, having just read that section of Loveable, I marveled in how effortless it felt.  One of the aspects of who I am is the ability to bring joy and "sparkle" to others.  I saw it happen with multiple people that I interacted with and I knew that I wasn't doing anything to try to win their approval or prove myself in any way.  I didn't put forth any effort.  I was just being me, and who I am brightens the world around me. 

I had another Loveable related success last week in my "anger camp".  I was thinking through what I want to say to my pastor (as well as what I should say vs shouldn't say).  I got to the point of wanting to justify why he should want me to stay at our church, even if it meant choosing me over dBPDstbxh.  I was able to stop myself and say "My worthiness to attend the church isn't attached to the fact that I'm a Sunday School teacher and support the church financially."  I was also able to remember that my worthiness doesn't rely on being more worthy than dBPDstbxh.  We can both be worthy.

I'm thinking about packing up and continuing on in the book and my spiral up Worthiness Mountain.  I'm so glad to have other people along the journey with me.

[Lucky Jim]

I think breathing and getting still allows us to tap into another part of ourselves—the underneath of the underneath—which, to me, is the "truest" part of ourselves. That space is compassion, love, total acceptance. Acceptance of everything—the good, bad, and ugly, as well as the lofty and inspirational. To me it's like an warm embrace that is absolutely rock solid in all circumstances. Always there.

When we forget who we are, or just get totally distracted by our thoughts, feelings, and events in life, it can feel like we have trouble accessing this space, but it is always there, in fact, it's who we are. That's been my experience, at least

Like what you're saying there, h&w.  When I find myself going off on mental tangents, I remind myself to focus on my breath and return to mindfulness.  It's a work-in-progress for me, acknowledging and accepting who I am.

LuckyJim