Is it trully over or just the BPD phase?

[randomuser94]

I've made a post those days describing the last events between us.

Recently my mind got clouded by toughts. If untill now i was able to at least get some sleep thinking that she might come back, now i doubt it a lot and it scares me.
  I know that the devaluation cycle started and she broke up with me because she needed space. The triagle was created with another male that was there so save her and keep the loneliness away.
  But yesterday during our talk she told me that the reason that she wanted to stop our relation was because "I wasn't good enough for her". I wanna admit that she is pretty ahead in her group of friends. They all admire her, pick her as a leader in everything etc.  When we decided to separate the main reason was to save the relation, search for the things that drove us apart and see if we are on the same page for the long run. We didn't had a bad relation untill then, but had the chance for more.

 I'm confused on this subject. Since i was beeing splitted at that time I'm not able to see if:
1. She really wanted a break-up but wanted to keep me as a friend/close; created the talk about saving our future just to keep me arround
2. Splitting ocured and it was just a mean thing or reason to make the break-up happen.

During our relation, she pointed out that she would like me to be better in certain aspects, but this came after I refused to do some things "her way"(and i've told her that sometimes i need to take decisions by myself, without beeing forced to agree to her)

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Randomuser,

I feel for you - I'm in a similar position, wondering if the break up was because of splitting or if this was a more authentic breakup.

I haven't been able to find much comfort or closure in this question yet, but I have asked myself if it matters. She crossed some serious boundaries. Which, if any of those, would I be willing to forgive if she wanted to come back, and how would I enforce those boundaries if this happened again?

Can you think of any boundaries your pwBPD crossed in your breakup, regardless of splitting or not? Which of those, if any, can you forgive?

Also, the "not good enough for her" stuff - what a subjective statement. Ultimately, yes, she gets to decide who is in her life or not - but don't take that personally. You are who you are, and you can decide to grow, but being "not good enough" is a statement meant to just bring shame. Don't go to the shame cave, if you can help it.

[randomuser94]

Hey Randomuser,

I feel for you - I'm in a similar position, wondering if the break up was because of splitting or if this was a more authentic breakup.

I haven't been able to find much comfort or closure in this question yet, but I have asked myself if it matters. She crossed some serious boundaries. Which, if any of those, would I be willing to forgive if she wanted to come back, and how would I enforce those boundaries if this happened again?

Can you think of any boundaries your pwBPD crossed in your breakup, regardless of splitting or not? Which of those, if any, can you forgive?

Also, the "not good enough for her" stuff - what a subjective statement. Ultimately, yes, she gets to decide who is in her life or not - but don't take that personally. You are who you are, and you can decide to grow, but being "not good enough" is a statement meant to just bring shame. Don't go to the shame cave, if you can help it.

The "not good enough" was meant to prove to her(or me) that i drag her down. She stated that she needs someone as successful as her and that my overall evolution is too slow.

Regarding our boundaries... we had none set which was a mistake from my side as she did hurt me.

Funny how i managed to trigger some jealous reactions from her even after: she told me we are done for real(which is the 8th time-at least- she says it), and after she kinda started relationship with another guy and told me we i have to move out.
  She came home to talk to me and the moment i refused to tell her who came home with a bottle of wine she went crazy and wanted to leave(sadly i rewarded her bad behavior and told her). Their need to manipulate and hang to people is so hard to understand...

[xyz-Girl]

I am going through the same exact situation. Still confused about what is the real reason my BPDex broke up with me, he started wanted an open relationship for our LDR, and i said no. Then he said i was not rational enough for him and that is why he wanted to break up with me, then he said he wants to be with me but he is not sure where i am going to end up after my graduation and then he said he needed space to see what feelings are still there. In my case I always stated boundaries, not because I knew about this stuff but bc it is something i learned from prior experiences. I know he wants to get better but he still has feelings of emptiness and he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't admit it to me but i can see it. I also have those moments where I get sad and fearful about thinking of a future where he is not part of anymore but i am giving me time to heal and let things pass.

I would recommend to take your time and focus on being happy by yourself. They have this interior conflict that it is unbelievably painful, i can only imagine all the things they must feel, and it hurts that people like you and me have to be collateral damage of that. I hope she is taking time for herself, to try to find herself, to get better. You cannot do that for her, and even if it she gets better temporarily, she need to work on this long term. I hope you find peace, just keep in mind that regardless of the final outcome of your relationship with her, you need to be in good mental, emotional, healthy state for your own sake.

Good luck!

[randomuser94]

I am going through the same exact situation. Still confused about what is the real reason my BPDex broke up with me, he started wanted an open relationship for our LDR, and i said no. Then he said i was not rational enough for him and that is why he wanted to break up with me, then he said he wants to be with me but he is not sure where i am going to end up after my graduation and then he said he needed space to see what feelings are still there. In my case I always stated boundaries, not because I knew about this stuff but bc it is something i learned from prior experiences. I know he wants to get better but he still has feelings of emptiness and he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't admit it to me but i can see it. I also have those moments where I get sad and fearful about thinking of a future where he is not part of anymore but i am giving me time to heal and let things pass.

I would recommend to take your time and focus on being happy by yourself. They have this interior conflict that it is unbelievably painful, i can only imagine all the things they must feel, and it hurts that people like you and me have to be collateral damage of that. I hope she is taking time for herself, to try to find herself, to get better. You cannot do that for her, and even if it she gets better temporarily, she need to work on this long term. I hope you find peace, just keep in mind that regardless of the final outcome of your relationship with her, you need to be in good mental, emotional, healthy state for your own sake.

Good luck!

First of all, thank you for your response.

We met some hours go(she asked for it).
She came to me telling the following:
i don't wanna lose you and no mater that you did and how much pain you caused me I can not lose you due to my feelings for you, so i'm giving you another chance as a friend. i don't want you to completely move from the house we share. just take the things most necessary things  and leave the rest here. You can come and go as you please during the day. I might call you to stay a night around or not or maybe watch a movie with me(or not... maybe not, I don't know).
  Don't tell anyone from my circle that i asked or we agreed upon this(as they all see me "painted black" trough her stories about what happened and what i did)

I get the fact that she managed to bypass her enormous ego in only 2 days, but i see myself more like being used at this point. I know she is dependent on me(emotionally) but at the same time the splitting forces her to trow me away. + I feel like i will simply be used to fill her sex desires.

[randomuser94]

One thing I wanna add is that I know that she will go back to her mother for the week-end. The 2nd male that was introduced in this triangle will be there(in that town). Apparently she wants to keep me near her, so I wonder the the black splitting is about to end or not... the tricky part is that she painted me black to all of her friends and family, so she told me none of them is allowed to know about us. Is this just for her ego/shame?

  She is going there to talk to him, that;s for sure and since she kinda keeps me in the house, I doubt she will transform that they have right now into a real relationship. There;s way to much distance between them to make it work. I mean... i know how she acts how she is in a official relation, and if it was in her plans the guilt and shame of cheating the partner would have killed her-I would have been lon gone. My guess the guy just filled her emptiness for a while, but since they are old friends(12years) she will just tell him to go back to normal friendship or something.

Am I making any sense?