Hello there, JustNeedToTalk,
I will frame this response with the intention of your well being the basis for my responses.
I’ve started therapy and been really reflecting on my relationship with my exBPD BF. It’s strange how after all the things he did I can’t hate him. I know he hates me and I genuinely believe I will be painted black forever.
This JustNeed, is something you and I don't have the answer to. Unfortunately, we will never know how long he paints you blacks. The recycling is symptomatic of BPD, most of them do recycle. Now, i'll as this gently, it isn't him who is here writing this. If i may, i'll ask the hard question. Why can't you hate him? I think you've responded to your own question... .
I know deep down that I actually still love him.. Love in the form of an emotional attachment, isn't logical. Now that being said, hate is a human emotion. But instead of hate, i would at least ask you, do you feel the least angry and hurt of what he has done to you? I think most of us struggle at a heart level when "crisis" happens. Why did they cheat, leave, or do these nasty things when they we so much like our soulmate at the start.
JustNeed, you may still be confused or in "love" with the perfect version of what your ex had presented to you. That happens during the "mirroring" and "love bombing" phases at the start of the relationship. I've been in the same shoes as you too, despite all that my uBPDexGF has done to me, i still seem to want her back! That was my co-dependency, my lack of self dignity, and my own lack of self-respect, in retrospect. I had put all her negative traits into a box and choose to only see the "good side" of her which was gradually diminishing. I stayed an allowed her to abuse me emotionally, don't go there. In fact, JustNeed, i won't say it is for you, but because i stayed, I was part of the dysfunction, i perpetuated bad behaviour, i allowed her bad behaviour to persist and she knew she could get her way. And for whatever noble reason you might want to stay, if it has reached that point, we're part of the problem already. Before things can get any better, we need to stop making it worse. It isn't going to help you as a first priority, and it isn't going to help your ex.
You may say you love, I certainly did love my ex. I missed the version of her when she was loving, she call me sweet names, gave me hugs and kisses - I only missed my fantasized version of her. Unfortunately, our brain has the ability to trick us into just doing that and we will also experience some level of "cognitive dissonance", our heart cannot integrate our what our brain is telling us.
There is an article about why we love our abusers, but this isn't only directed at women though the context of the article is about women being abused.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201308/i-love-himThe hard question I ask you and myself is, why would you want someone who has breached your trust, has no fidelity in relationship, and shares another sexual partner instead of a monogamous relationship only with you? That is, of course if you're okay with him having sex with someone else besides you. I certainly wouldn't tolerate being cheated on. From the little you tell me has deep issues to work on which will take years
in treatment. If he isn't seeking treatment now, it will be
almost impossible for him to change his ways. This JustNeed, is might be the reality of your situation.
When I tried to confront him about where he had been he begged me not to have a go at him and said his depression was bad. We went to bed and started fooling around. He asked for oral sex, so I did, at the time I said “your d*** tastes of p****”. He went MENTAL at me for the accusation, made me out to be crazy and paranoid. Now I have discovered that I was correct.
So, well JustNeed, now that you've reaffirmed your discovery. What are you going to do next? JustNeed, i can see that you're kind and caring. Unfortunately, this person would just take advantage of these qualities of yours. You deserve a healthly, balanced, safe and mutual relationship. For the little you have mentioned above, the dude just wants a fling and not a serious relationship. I don't know where you are right now and your objective for wanting a relationship, that might be a good thing to work on with your T.
There are some peripheral questions to reflect on perhaps, and that pertains to our childhood. There is a high co relation between why we allow abuse and our family of origin issues - meaning the environment we grew up in as children. I had lacked a loving environment and so i wanted to be loved at almost any costs, until i woke up from the abuse and said i had enough. That might be another area to think about which may give you better depth and insight as to why you're responding the way you do in this current situation.
Oh and they are going around saying I made the whole thing up. That I am crazy. They’re not together, she is married, and he has left the country. Why can’t I hate this man? I hate myself more for outing him, his affair and behaviour and I'm working on that with my therapist.
JustNeed, it is quite common for them to pretend and gaslight others into thinking that you're the crazy one. It's good in my opinion that he has left the country. But JustNeed, the damage he has left on you, is what i am more concerned about. You're hurt, feeling confused and lost probably, and you're having a hard time making sense of why you feel this way when you should be taking measures to separate yourself from this person. Take heart, JustNeed.
Don't beat yourself up. You're not the cause for the failure of this relationship from what i've read in this post.
Don't hate yourself.
The thing about self hate is that, it is a kind of anger directed at yourself. It is telling about how we view ourselves and how we frame our internal dialogue and narrative. I know that most people with BPD suffer low-self esteem, low-self image and that internal narrative drives them to do all sorts of things, which is too much to elaborate in this post. But for you, JustNeed, carry on working with your T. Value yourself more, i didn't value myself as much as i do now ... .and therefore I allowed her to trample all over me.
Strengthen your boundaries. One reason why you might be hating yourself is because your boundaries have been violated and you might have felt powerless to protect yourself and you didn't know why you allowed someone to treat you in a way which you didn't like. That kind of frustration turn inward, becomes self-hate perhaps.
You're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.
Take heart,
Spero.
