Educating ourselves about BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,
My daughter is 20 years old and after 6 years of volatile behavior and not knowing what to do about how she treats our family we believe she has BPD. Things got worse when she left for college out of state. She started dating a guy in the army near her school and she came home for thanksgiving and planned to stay through Christmas but her boyfriend had to go back to Savannah so my daughter couldn't handle the anxiety she felt so she packed her bags and left us. She has trust issues and couldnt handle him leaving her for a few weeks. Next thing we know, she got married and bought a puppy. She was seeing a therapist at school (only because we demanded) and the therapist said it sounds like she has BPD based on her impulsive behavior. Once I looked at the characteristics I was in shock because she has every trait... .textbook case in our minds. She is very high functioning so most people would never guess but we know she has BPD. My husband and I have been going to therapy for 3 months trying to understand and learn how to communicate with our daughter now that we know she isn't just a spoiled, entitled pain in our butts. We love her but living 18 hours away has been very difficult. Out therapist told us to cut all financial ties including her college tuition. She is learning to take care of herself and we hope she matures into the 20 year old she is. Right now she acts more like a 16 year old. It is hard to let go but we are letting her figure things out. We hope she will go to therapy someday when she realizes we aren't her problem and we can be trusted.

Thank you for reading.

[Gallopaway]

Hello,
My daughter is 20 years old and after 6 years of volatile behavior and not knowing what to do about how she treats our family we believe she has BPD. Things got worse when she left for college out of state. She started dating a guy in the army near her school and she came home for thanksgiving and planned to stay through Christmas but her boyfriend had to go back to Savannah so my daughter couldn't handle the anxiety she felt so she packed her bags and left us. She has trust issues and couldnt handle him leaving her for a few weeks. Next thing we know, she got married and bought a puppy. She was seeing a therapist at school (only because we demanded) and the therapist said it sounds like she has BPD based on her impulsive behavior. Once I looked at the characteristics I was in shock because she has every trait... .textbook case in our minds. She is very high functioning so most people would never guess but we know she has BPD. My husband and I have been going to therapy for 3 months trying to understand and learn how to communicate with our daughter now that we know she isn't just a spoiled, entitled pain in our butts. We love her but living 18 hours away has been very difficult. Out therapist told us to cut all financial ties including her college tuition. She is learning to take care of herself and we hope she matures into the 20 year old she is. Right now she acts more like a 16 year old. It is hard to let go but we are letting her figure things out. We hope she will go to therapy someday when she realizes we aren't her problem and we can be trusted.

Thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hey Gallopaway!

So, welcome to the BPD Board, Parents' Section, or as I like to call it, the "Holy S**T, Other People Understand?" Section.

As is said around here, "I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you found us."

So, you'll be welcomed here "officially" by a member of our awesome admin team, and they're going to tell you some good stuff about the board, and the people, and the resources available here, and how glad we are all that you're here - all true things - but I'm the one that tells you that this stinks.  Stinks out loud.  I have a kid with BPD, you have a kid with BPD, she does, he does, basically we all do, and it STINKS for all of us.

I hate this darn disease and what it's done to my kid, and to me, and the family, and my wife... .you get the idea.

Now on to the good part - this is a safe place for us (including you).  We generally don't judge, we mainly give advice when we're asked, and if you want to come in here and post a 16,000 letter (the max allowed) screed about your cruddy day, we'll, we're here.

We have been there, collectively.
We are there, collectively.
We will be there collectively.

There probably isn't a thought that you have that hasn't crossed at least one of our minds; an emotion that we haven't felt; a worry we haven't held tight in the dark.

And now you're here with us.  And you are not alone.

Post, as much as you feel comfortable.
Share, as much as you want.
Read, whatever strikes your fancy.
Take, the advice given - or don't.
Leave, some if not all of your stressors here.

Sometimes, it's just nice to have a total stranger look at you and know.  Like, know, know.

We're those strangers.  But we're not strange.



Maybe a little strange.

Anyway, welcome!

-jyw

[Merlot]

Hi Gallopaway

I also join justyouwait in welcoming you    It really does stink, as I too am coming to terms with BPD reality of my DD27.

You're title says it all, learn and learn, and then learn some more.  It really is the:

key in your car
water in your glass
antacid in your reflux
money in your wallet... .yadda yadda

Sounds a bit whacky but understanding how to relate to a child with BPD, really is key to mitigating stress for all involved.

It also sounds like some limits are being set about how much assistance you will give her.  I commend you for the progress you are making.  Stay connected as we'd love to hear how you are going and to support you.

Merlot  

[MomMae]

Hello Gallopaway and welcome to the forum!  I am so glad you found us, though I am sorry that you are experiencing so much pain due to your daughter's illness.  Having a BPD daughter myself, aged 21, I understand much of what you are feeling.

I am glad to hear that you and your husband are practicing self-care by going to see a therapist and it is great that you are trying to learn new skills to better communicate with your daughter in a way that she will hopefully respond positively to.  I believe that was the key for me to changing my relationship with my daughter... .changing the only thing I truly could control - myself and my own behaviour.  A year ago our family was in a very dark place with our then 20 year old DD - I lived in fear for her life, almost all of our interactions were volatile and I was very much in victim mode.  Thankfully with finding this forum and its abundance of support and tools, things are much better now (not perfect, but ever so much better than I believed was possible based on the years of hell we had been through).  If you haven't already found them, the tools on the right hand side of this page are a great place to start educating yourself  

Personally (and this is just my opinion, based on my experiences with our daughter), I feel it is very important to trust ones instincts and temper that with the advice of others, even experts.  I was told that I had to let my daughter "hit rock bottom", which is really just an undefined cliché... .When I expressed concern that what if rock bottom meant death, I was told that unfortunately this was some people's reality.  To me, that was unacceptable... . For no other disease would we sit around and see if the person could will themselves out of it before they died... .so for me, this was not an option.  

If, in your situation, cutting off your daughter's tuition feels like the right thing for you to do, then by all means do it.  I can only imagine how difficult it is that she has married someone so suddenly and that she lives so far from you.  If she is not going to school and you are wasting your money, then it seems like a prudent decision and you could save the money hoping that she will someday be ready to return to college and you may or may not help her then.  However, if your instincts tell you that this just doesn't feel right, a therapist's advice is not written in stone.  Only you truly know your daughter and only you have to live with the consequences of what goes on.  Any advice that you receive, any tools that you learn, can be altered by you to suit your own unique situation... .Take it all in, mull it over and do what feels right for you, do what you can live with.  There is no right or wrong, there is no judgement here.  

Please keep posting, Gallopaway.  We are all learning together here, supporting each other, empathizing with each other.  This board has been my life raft... .I am so grateful I found it, and happy that you have now found it too.

  MomMae