Desperate, scared, and looking for options

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I am new... .  to ALL of this!  I USED to have a VERY large support group, and be surrounded by friends and family. After 8 years living with my wife (who I JUST discovered has BPD), and a beautiful 5 year old boy. I have been moved and stripped of all my support.
I just got done reading “stop walking on eggshells” (which was recommend by my therapist) and am desperately in need of advice and help! 
I know this relationship is over (tho I love my wife), I am at a loss of how to proceed. I don’t want to leave my son... .I want to do “what’s right” for ALL of us.
Please help!

[Kidbroken]

So I am new... .  to ALL of this!  I USED to have a VERY large support group, and be surrounded by friends and family. After 8 years living with my wife (who I JUST discovered has BPD), and a beautiful 5 year old boy. I have been moved and stripped of all my support.
I just got done reading “stop walking on eggshells” (which was recommend by my therapist) and am desperately in need of advice and help! 
I know this relationship is over (tho I love my wife), I am at a loss of how to proceed. I don’t want to leave my son... .I want to do “what’s right” for ALL of us.
Please help!

[mama-wolf]

Hi Kidbroken,

So sorry to hear that you are in such a bad place.  I know it's scary, and can't imagine going through what you're going through without some kind of support network.

I guess the place to start would be to identify what rights you do and don't have.  For example, do you have parental rights?  I have seen that there is a thread with legal information, co-parenting topics, etc.  You may have already started exploring there... .I haven't had a chance to yet.

How is it that your support has been stripped from you?  Are you physically in a different location?  Have you been isolated by your pwBPD?  I am new here myself but can definitely confirm you will find a very supportive community here, and that's a great place to start.  Providing more details about your story will probably help folks give more targeted recommendations and share similar stories of their own.

mw

[Kidbroken]

Yes, I am in a  location with no friends or family around. Although, this was my choice to be here, or partly my choice, my BPD partner  doesn’t make it very easy to meet new people. Although the state that I am in is a 50-50 state, I am not sure what rights I have.  Not to mention what is best for HIM!  I’m going to look around this site for more information. I am the sole breadwinner, and I have a crystal clear record with a good job.  My partner a good mother, at the time, but the more I learn about BPD, I am afraid that a soon as I am gone, she will start to act out against my son.  She has an 14 year daughter, that I tried to raise with her for seven years, she is a great kid, but after all the pain she has been put thru, she has now left to go live with her dad (who I am very close with).  I am beside myself with what decisions to make Responsibly, morally, and legally. This thing has been so difficult and heartbreaking and beyond sad.  Such a mess!  I have a great relationship with my parents and extended family, and was raised with AMAZING support and love!  I want my son to have the same!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Kidbroken and welcome! I am so sorry that you are in a rough spot. A lot of us have been in similar situations and can relate. 

There is a board for people to post about divorce and custody issues.  You may find applicable advice there, as it seems that is what you may need.

If you have a specific question in mind, put it out there and you will probably find some suggestions from people who have experienced and navigated similar circumstances.

Remember to breathe.  Try to sort things out a step at a time.  Post when you need to or want to.  This forum  has certainly been helpful for me. 

Good luck, we care.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Kidbroken and

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.  I have recently been through family court myself over custody arrangements for my son and it is going to require strength on your part to stay the course.  My advice is whatever happens, do not lose sight of your very clear aim that the outcome needs to be what is right for him.  As long as nothing deters you from that and you do not get caught up in issues between yourself and your partner, then you will keep yourself presented in a good light.  I'd agree with mama-wolf and Mustbeabetterway that it would be beneficial to post on the Family law, Custody, Co parenting, Divorce board for some specific help and guidance related to your situation.  There is great support to be found there.  

Also, do post here for support around detaching and healing from the relationship and we will be here for you.  Whenever you are ready.  

Love and light x

[Speck]

Just wanted to join the others in welcoming you to the forums. 

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you've found us.  We help and support each other here.

What makes you think that your relationship is decidedly over? Is this something that you've had to reconcile with yourself, as in, is this something that you feel needs to happen?  If so, there are many here who understand exactly what you're going through and can be there for you during this painful time. This board never sleeps, so I hope you feel comforted that you do have a support network any time you need talk it out. There's always someone up, no matter what time it is... .

I think a good way to start is to tell us about more yourself - whatever you are comfortable telling us - and about the person with whom you are in a strained relationship.

Again, I'm glad you found us, and keep reaching out if need be.


-Speck

[Kidbroken]

I feel incredibly struck!  Although the more information I get about BPD, the more I understand, and the more it helps me, I am so “beet down” from years of this!

[Speck]

I feel incredibly struck!  Although the more information I get about BPD, the more I understand, and the more it helps me, I am so “beet down” from years of this!

I understand, Kidbroken.

What action steps do think you need to take in order to not feel so beat down? If you don't yet know, we understand. Sometimes it's helpful to just sit back and ponder the firmament some more.

When you're ready to take those steps, just know that someone here can help you guide yourself to a better place. Keep reading, learning, growing... .


-Speck

[Kidbroken]

I am doing exactly that (-speck) ... .pondering. This is A LOT to take in!  The wife knows something has happened to my “awareness”. She is adjusting, as say a computer would. Re-assimilating to my “new awareness”.   It’s very frustrating... .and most of all confusing.
I want to reach out to people for more “help”... .but I’m confused on where my head is. I know there is “help” out there (especially HERE!) but I don’t know what to “ask” for.
I want to START by taking “care” of myself. It’s been so long... .I’m not sure how to even do THAT!
Sad & frustrated.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, Kidbroken.  If you haven’t already, I suggest an article from this site called “Stop the Bleeding”.  It was helpful to me in the beginning when I had just learned about BPD.  Below is a link to the article.  It’s a good place to start.

https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htm

Taking care of yourself is so important.  Maybe you could make a list of easy to do things that make you feel cared for.  For example, exercise, taking a walk or run.  Maybe going for a coffee - just the way you like it.  Maybe seeing a friend for lunch.  A hot shower and wearing your favorite - cologne or shirt, etc.  surprising how small things can shake us out of a bad cycle.

Keep posting.  Have a great day, Mustbeabetterway

[JNChell]

 

Bless you, Kidbroken, and welcome. By reading your posts, may I suggest that you take a moment and try to calm down. Take some deep, slow breaths and try to find your center. If only for a few moments. I’m sorry that you’re feeling the way that you are. You are in the same boat that many of us are. You don’t have to row the boat on your own. We’re here to help you do that, and you’ve shown up to help us as well. You seem to be very self aware of your situation. So much so that you recognize that your ex has picked up on your self awareness. I think this is a good thing. I also agree that utilizing the custody board can be a great help to you. I would like to suggest something. I think it’s important to be very careful with your ex if she is aware that you are now aware of who she really is. Please be mindful of how you interact with her from here on out. It’s highly likely that she is now on the defensive, and will go to great lengths to paint herself in a good light. Has court/custody come up between the two of you? If so, what is the current understanding between the two of you? KB, I relate to you on losing friends because of the fallout. It hurts and it doesn’t seem fair. I’ve lost a few that I was considered family with. Again, we’ll row this boat together. Do you feel as though you’ve lost everyone? Do you have folks to lean on? Thank you for having the courage to speak out here. You’re in a safe place.

[Speck]

Hello again, Kidbroken.

I know there is “help” out there (especially HERE!) but I don’t know what to “ask” for.

I understand. After things settle down for you and you find your calm center, just like JNChell suggests, perhaps you can begin to formulate some questions in your mind to which you can seek answers.
 

I want to START by taking “care” of myself. It’s been so long... .I’m not sure how to even do THAT!

You matter. Your needs are important. Think of some things that you need to do for yourself that will be a positive change in the right direction... .and do them. It may be helpful to write down a list of them first. You may be surprised how long it will be.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and check with us to let us know how things are going for you. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck