She says she is working on coming home

[DP218]

Hi BPD family,

This is my first post and I am new to this.  My wife recently told me she was diagnosed with BPD.  My wife left our family on 11/30/2015, which is over two years ago and counting.  We have been married for quite a while and have four children: 18,15,11, and 9.  I have asked her if she has any intentions of being divorced and she has replied no.  She says she is working on coming home.  Every so often, she brings more clothes back to our house, but she has not come back to live in our home.  She visits the kids three times a week for no more than 1 hour.  My wife went from being an awesome mom and wife to I have no idea what to call this right now.  I am trying to stay patient and understand what she is going through, but I am losing patience.  I do believe that a marriage is for life and that an individual should not leave the relationship due to an illness or injury.  Til death do us part.  Any information or comments would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and Welcome!

She's not been there for over 2 years - wow that must be tough.

I can't say I've heard of anyone else in this situation - but I'm sure there must be... .

If she's got BPD then I can fully believe she WANTS to come back, but may never. My ex BPDwife had many things she WANTED - but never did anything to achieve them.

Do you know if she's in therapy?
Do you still support her financially?
Do YOU see her separately to the kids? Perhaps trying to "date" her while she lives away would be a good way to get the "you" back.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi DP218,

I'm sorry that you are unsure of what is going on in your relationship. It sounds like despite her leaving she has maintained consistent, though minimal, contact.

Do you know what caused her to move out 2 years ago?
What are the reasons she is giving you for not moving back in yet?

During your time apart this is a very good opportunity to begin working on yourself, understanding as much about BPD as you can, learning how to communicate with someone with BPD, and mostly taking care of yourself.

[ArleighBurke]

Reply from DP218:

Do you know if she's in therapy? No proof that she is.
Do you still support her financially? Yes. All the money is in one pot and she continues to work.
Do YOU see her separately to the kids? No.

Very frustrating to say the least.

[DP218]

Do you know what caused her to move out 2 years ago?  Initially, said it was because she was diagnosed with IBS-D and felt like she was made of "poop".  There was a lot of different things that happened to her during that time.  I was promoted and my schedule changed to Mon-Friday, her Dad moved to Ohio, her sister moved to Arizona, her stepfather died.  She said that she needed to work on her issues.

What are the reasons she is giving you for not moving back in yet?  The reasons are still the same since she left.  She isn't ready to come home because she is working on herself before she can work on us.

During your time apart this is a very good opportunity to begin working on yourself, understanding as much about BPD as you can, learning how to communicate with someone with BPD, and mostly taking care of yourself.

In the beginning, it was very difficult to understand what was really going on.  She started to grow distant to me and the kids.  Every Friday night she would tell me to take the kids out and have dinner with them while she would go out with her "friends" and come home Saturday morning.  I was very, very upset because I thought she was cheating on me.  She spent a lot of time on Snapchat instead of spending time with me.  I have never met these "friends".  I know that they are a lot younger than her and myself.
Today is the first time she told me she was on medication for BPD.  She is on Topamax and Zyprexa.  I haven't given up on my wife, even though the last couple years have been hell. 

[SunandMoon]

Hi DP218

That sounds like a horrible situation, to be kept in limbo for more than two years. I don't think I could be that patient! It must be very hard on you, and on your 4 children.

Are you sure your wife is diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)?
The drugs you mentioned are usually used for Bipolar disorder.

[Tattered Heart]

Sounds like she has a pretty good gig going:

She doesn't have to solely provide for herself although she is choosing to live away from you and the family by herself.
She can come and go see you and the kids whenever she wants and then go back home when she feels like it.

Does this arrangement align with your personal values? If not, what behaviors of your can you change to begin aligning things with your values?