Going through a breakup with my exBPDgf of 6 years

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey all. I actually registered for this site years ago, when I had been with my dBPDgf for around 3 years. (she is diagnosed and in therapy, more on that at a later time) As of the time of this post, we were together for 6 years, without any real break ups, other than one short lived one that lasted about 2-3 days sometime in the middle. I moved out of our apt in November, and got my own place. Her mom had bought her a new place, and she was (is, rather) moving in a week or so finally into the new place. When I first moved out, contact was light, but cordial. After a few days I got the infamous and expect "I officially miss you" text, which I waited to the next day to respond. I basically responded by saying "I understand how you feel. Just imagine you were in my shoes and you aren't just missing 1 person, but your home for the last 6 years, your cats, your... everything."

She responded with some nasty quip that basically amounted to "I left her with no other choice" which we all know is a load of bs and just them shifting the blame. We went NC for a few days, then I needed to get in touch with her to handle a few logistics about lost items. She unblocked me (shes a huge fan of blocking, more on that later too), and after we made plans, I propositioned her for some sex. She said she didn't think she would be interested, but for some reason she was. We agreed to meet up later that week and have sex. The day rolled around where I was supposed to meet up with her. Things were good and we were texting back and forth a bit sexually, in anticipation of the evenings festivities. In the middle of the day, she dropped the "I've got something I need to tell you before you come all the way to see me." Of course she ended up telling me that she slept with someone else. My initial reaction was basically "screw off, were over, never talk to me again." but I quickly got past that somehow, and said "You know what, its OK. I still want to see you tonight." I went over and we had probably some of the best sex we've had ever. This basically was the start of a brief recycling episode that lasted until the other day. Throughout this time, we had a few minor arguments, which involved her blocking me or hanging up like she often did, but we managed to get past them in a day or two. Throughout this time, we had been having the best sex of our entire relationship... .it was on! For the most part, she was still giving me attention and feeding me ego as if we were dating, so I played it cool.

Sometime around 2-3 weeks ago, I started to noticed a change in her behavior. She would be more aloof, less responsive to texts, sometimes not answer them until the next day, or just respond the following day as if I never said anything. In my gut I started to suspect something was going on, but then as soon as I would convince myself I was sure of it, boom, I'd get a phone call from her and we'd hang out for 2 days in a row without basically leaving each other. Throughout this time, I didn't notice her phone blowing up at an usual rate or anything odd, so I just assumed she was busy with work, the move, etc when she was more aloof. Btw, its worth noting that we still referred to ourselves as broken up during this page. It was understood and known that we both had profiles on various dating websites (which is un-ironically how we met many years ago).

Last week I saw her on Monday, and that went fine, and I played it cool for the next day or two. Around wednesday I asked her if she wanted to hang out thursday, and she said not if she had to work Friday, because she was stressed. That didn't make a ton of sense to me based on how well I knew her, but I still played it cool. I said ok no problem, let me know. Thursday rolls around, and sure enough I get a text "Hey I have to work tomorrow, you understand, right?" And I very calmly responded "Its cool, I understand." The next day I didn't want to ask her to hang out, because I didn't want to seem desperate. Sure enough about 2-3 hours before work ends and I get a text message from her "I kind of want you to come over tonight but I don't want you to sleep over." This seemed very odd to me because there has never been a time in 6 years, during the periods we didn't live together, that we hung out and I DIDNT spend the entire night. She threw every excuse in the book at me like "Oh you're difficult to wake up." "I'm stressed out about packing tomorrow" "I dont want to fight before my mom comes over and helps me." and I gave her every possible vote of confidence and reassurance I could.

Eventually I gave up and just said look, clearly you don't trust me, so whats the point? She basically told me to "leave me alone, I'm busy" which is bs because for 6 years, when she was busy, she MADE time for me, and I knew that. I got frustrated and didn't want to hear any of her crap, so I sent her a bunch of texts which i dont remember well but then I blocked her (I guess i was mirroring her). From Friday night to Sunday morning she initiated no contact but did occasionally reply to some of my texts and emails. Then Sunday morning I basically asked her "Why are you doing this? Why are you punishing me for wanting to see you and spend time with you?" She responded back with something cold and mean like "How dare you accuse me of punishing you, im busy, not everything is about you! Now I am going to block you!" and she blocked me. I tried to apologize like a weak-sap later in the day, no reply. By Monday morning I had a nasty pit in my stomach, so I wrote her a long e-mail where I basically fell on the sword and apologized for being too pushy, part of me didn't expect a response. About 20 minutes later I get a phone call from her and shes like "Hey you don't need to talk to me, but I wanted some advice." which basically boiled down to her wanting to know if she should call out of work or not. After a calm, but rather uneventful 10 minute phone call, I felt relieved (of course I did).

Later that night I asked her if she wanted to see me for Valentines day, she said "I dont think so. It might be weird" to which I responded "Ok". I think she could tell I had more on my mind but didn't say it, because unpromted she said "I am going to hang out with my (female) friend and get drunk".  I was like, I have no idea how it would be "weird" when we literally just spent christmas and new years together but whatever. The next day, Tuesday, she texted me and gave me an offer to come over, but explicitly stated "I do not feel good and I will not want to have sex." I knew sex was out of the question, but it had been a week since I had last seen her and the cats, so though I initially declined her offer, and she predictably gave me a snarky, pissed off response back, I changed my mind and told her I was coming. I showed up and everything was fine, we talked about random current things going on, and all was well.

Wednesday, Valentines day rolled around and I asked her how she was feeling (If I'm honest, I just wanted to know she was feeling better so she would be down for sex on Thursday when we were supposed to see each other). She told me she was feeling "Much better" so I thought ok thats positive, and said "great!" I didn't say anything after that and figured I would give her some space for the rest of the night, as again, I didn't want to come off too needy or clingy. I'm getting ready for bed and around 12:30am my phone rings. I answer, and its her and shes like fairly drunk and we make small talk for a minute. She tells me how she met 2 of her friends new boyfriends and tells me they were both good looking. Then she mentions how she told her one friend "Man, your lucky he's your boyfriend otherwise I'd jump over all over him and make a fool of myself." Now call me crazy, but that wasn't really the nicest thing for me to hear her say. I've no doubt heard her say she thought someone was attractive in one way or another over the years, but it never came across as manipulative or so... explicit or visual like that. So i said to her comment "Well, thats more details than you need to give me." and of course I got hit with the full 180 change in attitude and she said "Fine, whatever, goodbye" and hung up. At that point she hadn't blocked, me I tried to call her back about 3 times, no answer. Finally I wrote her a few texts which basically amounted to "I'm not mad, I just dont think we need to speak like that to each other. Please keep that kind of talk between you and your friends. This doesn't need to be a fight, so please call me so we can just get past this." The call never came, and when I woke up the next day I saw she hadn't even read my texts yet, so I sent her a text saying "You hang up on me and then never call or message back? Not cool".

A few hours later when I checked my text log with her, I saw she had read them. I waited about 30 mins and then texted her to ask if she was at work... and I was blocked again... shocking I know. I emailed her a bunch of times, never got a response. Finally I e-mailed her later in the day and I got "I'm at work" to which I responded with a few more basically pleading with her to give me 2 mins on the phone, that I wasn't mad, and this was literally the silliest thing to block me for this length of time over. After a few more e-mails I got back an e-mail which said "Clearly you misunderstood what I said last night. I was happy for my friends who now have hot boyfriends. I appreciate all the help and favors you have done for me recently, but I can not continue even a friendly relationship with you as this is all too stressful." I sent a few more email, but of course never heard back. This morning I sent 1 e-mail, and a venmo request for money she owes me, the e-mail has yet to be replied to (it may be blocked) and the venmo request is still pending (not rejected, but she may have blocked me there too for all i know). It was sometime around this time last night that I did some reading on this site, and other sites, and read all the stories here, and remembered all that I had forgotten about being in a relationship with a BPDgf. It made me realize that this is about her, not me. I haven't blocked her or anything yet, but I am going to set strict boundaries if she does contact me, but I for sure won't be contacting her in any meaningful way. I have a long e-mail that I wrote her saved in my drafts inbox, which I may or may not ever send her, but I will probably post that letter here next, just in case it helps anyone who comes along this post, and to get some feedback from you all. This may be the longest forum post I've ever written, if you made it this far, thanks, you da real MVP.

[gearshifted]

Hey all. I actually registered for this site years ago, when I had been with my dBPDgf for around 3 years. (she is diagnosed and in therapy, more on that at a later time) As of the time of this post, we were together for 6 years, without any real break ups, other than one short lived one that lasted about 2-3 days sometime in the middle. I moved out of our apt in November, and got my own place. Her mom had bought her a new place, and she was (is, rather) moving in a week or so finally into the new place. When I first moved out, contact was light, but cordial. After a few days I got the infamous and expect "I officially miss you" text, which I waited to the next day to respond. I basically responded by saying "I understand how you feel. Just imagine you were in my shoes and you aren't just missing 1 person, but your home for the last 6 years, your cats, your... everything."

She responded with some nasty quip that basically amounted to "I left her with no other choice" which we all know is a load of bs and just them shifting the blame. We went NC for a few days, then I needed to get in touch with her to handle a few logistics about lost items. She unblocked me (shes a huge fan of blocking, more on that later too), and after we made plans, I propositioned her for some sex. She said she didn't think she would be interested, but for some reason she was. We agreed to meet up later that week and have sex. The day rolled around where I was supposed to meet up with her. Things were good and we were texting back and forth a bit sexually, in anticipation of the evenings festivities. In the middle of the day, she dropped the "I've got something I need to tell you before you come all the way to see me." Of course she ended up telling me that she slept with someone else. My initial reaction was basically "screw off, were over, never talk to me again." but I quickly got past that somehow, and said "You know what, its OK. I still want to see you tonight." I went over and we had probably some of the best sex we've had ever. This basically was the start of a brief recycling episode that lasted until the other day. Throughout this time, we had a few minor arguments, which involved her blocking me or hanging up like she often did, but we managed to get past them in a day or two. Throughout this time, we had been having the best sex of our entire relationship... .it was on! For the most part, she was still giving me attention and feeding me ego as if we were dating, so I played it cool.

Sometime around 2-3 weeks ago, I started to noticed a change in her behavior. She would be more aloof, less responsive to texts, sometimes not answer them until the next day, or just respond the following day as if I never said anything. In my gut I started to suspect something was going on, but then as soon as I would convince myself I was sure of it, boom, I'd get a phone call from her and we'd hang out for 2 days in a row without basically leaving each other. Throughout this time, I didn't notice her phone blowing up at an usual rate or anything odd, so I just assumed she was busy with work, the move, etc when she was more aloof. Btw, its worth noting that we still referred to ourselves as broken up during this page. It was understood and known that we both had profiles on various dating websites (which is un-ironically how we met many years ago).

Last week I saw her on Monday, and that went fine, and I played it cool for the next day or two. Around wednesday I asked her if she wanted to hang out thursday, and she said not if she had to work Friday, because she was stressed. That didn't make a ton of sense to me based on how well I knew her, but I still played it cool. I said ok no problem, let me know. Thursday rolls around, and sure enough I get a text "Hey I have to work tomorrow, you understand, right?" And I very calmly responded "Its cool, I understand." The next day I didn't want to ask her to hang out, because I didn't want to seem desperate. Sure enough about 2-3 hours before work ends and I get a text message from her "I kind of want you to come over tonight but I don't want you to sleep over." This seemed very odd to me because there has never been a time in 6 years, during the periods we didn't live together, that we hung out and I DIDNT spend the entire night. She threw every excuse in the book at me like "Oh you're difficult to wake up." "I'm stressed out about packing tomorrow" "I dont want to fight before my mom comes over and helps me." and I gave her every possible vote of confidence and reassurance I could.

Eventually I gave up and just said look, clearly you don't trust me, so whats the point? She basically told me to "leave me alone, I'm busy" which is bs because for 6 years, when she was busy, she MADE time for me, and I knew that. I got frustrated and didn't want to hear any of her crap, so I sent her a bunch of texts which i dont remember well but then I blocked her (I guess i was mirroring her). From Friday night to Sunday morning she initiated no contact but did occasionally reply to some of my texts and emails. Then Sunday morning I basically asked her "Why are you doing this? Why are you punishing me for wanting to see you and spend time with you?" She responded back with something cold and mean like "How dare you accuse me of punishing you, im busy, not everything is about you! Now I am going to block you!" and she blocked me. I tried to apologize like a weak-sap later in the day, no reply. By Monday morning I had a nasty pit in my stomach, so I wrote her a long e-mail where I basically fell on the sword and apologized for being too pushy, part of me didn't expect a response. About 20 minutes later I get a phone call from her and shes like "Hey you don't need to talk to me, but I wanted some advice." which basically boiled down to her wanting to know if she should call out of work or not. After a calm, but rather uneventful 10 minute phone call, I felt relieved (of course I did).

Later that night I asked her if she wanted to see me for Valentines day, she said "I dont think so. It might be weird" to which I responded "Ok". I think she could tell I had more on my mind but didn't say it, because unpromted she said "I am going to hang out with my (female) friend and get drunk".  I was like, I have no idea how it would be "weird" when we literally just spent christmas and new years together but whatever. The next day, Tuesday, she texted me and gave me an offer to come over, but explicitly stated "I do not feel good and I will not want to have sex." I knew sex was out of the question, but it had been a week since I had last seen her and the cats, so though I initially declined her offer, and she predictably gave me a snarky, pissed off response back, I changed my mind and told her I was coming. I showed up and everything was fine, we talked about random current things going on, and all was well.

Wednesday, Valentines day rolled around and I asked her how she was feeling (If I'm honest, I just wanted to know she was feeling better so she would be down for sex on Thursday when we were supposed to see each other). She told me she was feeling "Much better" so I thought ok thats positive, and said "great!" I didn't say anything after that and figured I would give her some space for the rest of the night, as again, I didn't want to come off too needy or clingy. I'm getting ready for bed and around 12:30am my phone rings. I answer, and its her and shes like fairly drunk and we make small talk for a minute. She tells me how she met 2 of her friends new boyfriends and tells me they were both good looking. Then she mentions how she told her one friend "Man, your lucky he's your boyfriend otherwise I'd jump over all over him and make a fool of myself." Now call me crazy, but that wasn't really the nicest thing for me to hear her say. I've no doubt heard her say she thought someone was attractive in one way or another over the years, but it never came across as manipulative or so... explicit or visual like that. So i said to her comment "Well, thats more details than you need to give me." and of course I got hit with the full 180 change in attitude and she said "Fine, whatever, goodbye" and hung up. At that point she hadn't blocked, me I tried to call her back about 3 times, no answer. Finally I wrote her a few texts which basically amounted to "I'm not mad, I just dont think we need to speak like that to each other. Please keep that kind of talk between you and your friends. This doesn't need to be a fight, so please call me so we can just get past this." The call never came, and when I woke up the next day I saw she hadn't even read my texts yet, so I sent her a text saying "You hang up on me and then never call or message back? Not cool".

A few hours later when I checked my text log with her, I saw she had read them. I waited about 30 mins and then texted her to ask if she was at work... and I was blocked again... shocking I know. I emailed her a bunch of times, never got a response. Finally I e-mailed her later in the day and I got "I'm at work" to which I responded with a few more basically pleading with her to give me 2 mins on the phone, that I wasn't mad, and this was literally the silliest thing to block me for this length of time over. After a few more e-mails I got back an e-mail which said "Clearly you misunderstood what I said last night. I was happy for my friends who now have hot boyfriends. I appreciate all the help and favors you have done for me recently, but I can not continue even a friendly relationship with you as this is all too stressful." I sent a few more email, but of course never heard back. This morning I sent 1 e-mail, and a venmo request for money she owes me, the e-mail has yet to be replied to (it may be blocked) and the venmo request is still pending (not rejected, but she may have blocked me there too for all i know). It was sometime around this time last night that I did some reading on this site, and other sites, and read all the stories here, and remembered all that I had forgotten about being in a relationship with a BPDgf. It made me realize that this is about her, not me. I haven't blocked her or anything yet, but I am going to set strict boundaries if she does contact me, but I for sure won't be contacting her in any meaningful way. I have a long e-mail that I wrote her saved in my drafts inbox, which I may or may not ever send her, but I will probably post that letter here next, just in case it helps anyone who comes along this post, and to get some feedback from you all. This may be the longest forum post I've ever written, if you made it this far, thanks, you da real MVP.

[gearshifted]

Here is the letter I have typed up in my drafts inbox. As I said in my above post, I don't know if I will ever send this to her, writing this was more about me and getting it off my chest. Its a long read, but I hope it helps someone.

Dear exBPDgf,

I write this to you not from a place of anger or confusion, but from a place of empathy and understanding. I am also doing this for myself and for closure, since you lack the required empathy or skills required to grant such closure. I am also aware that its far more likely you wont even read any of this, but thats OK, because this isn’t some 3D chess move to change you or get you back, Im doing it for me. While I do think it would do you some good to read this, I also understand that when you are confronted with uncomfortable truths, you run and hide since you dont have the ability to cope.

The truth is, I know exactly what you are doing and why you are doing it, and the reality is that I don’t hate you, I honestly just feel bad for you. I feel bad knowing that you have to deal with such erratic and irrational mood swings, that you either lack empathy or the ability to act on such empathy. I feel bad knowing that without a massive overhaul of your way of thinking, your chances of a successful and lasting HEALTHY relationship are close to zero, even though you’ll surely put of a facade of things being fine even when they are very tumultuous (just like you did with me.) You will take this as me saying you cant have a relationship or be loved, but that is NOT what I am saying. Cleary, you can be loved, I am proof of that. What Im not convinced of is that it will not be a healthy situation once past the initial stages. What I AM saying is, its extremely unlikely without major, foundational style change. The kind of change that is almost impossible for a borderline because their deep abandonment issues keep them in a perpetual cycle of relationships out of necessity, without allowing for healing and growth.

The truth of the matter is I know what you are doing and exactly why you are doing this. I know why you allowed us to recycle shortly after me moving out, and I know why you are painting me black and splitting right now (if you don’t know those terms, I suggest looking them up, as they are an integral part of how you behave).

The truth is, when you finally kicked me out, you thought you had your next guy lined up, as nearly all BPDs do before they exit their current relationship. I know you will never admit it, because BPDs are also expert level manipulators and liars, but im quite positive you did more than just innocently sleep in dudes bed once and have sex with him once.  Even if you didn’t hook up with him that night, it wasn’t because of your strong moral code, sense of wrongdoing, or empathy for me, its more likely that you simply got too drunk.

Most likely, what you had was going on for at least a few weeks if not longer. The reason you recycled with me shortly after I moved out is either because things fizzled out with him, or you painted him black for some reason. The reason you went from telling me “im a very sexual person who needs sex” and us having the most intense and best sex of our relationship during this period, to cutting me off whenever there was a presupposition that we might have sex, is because you are already getting it somewhere else.

There is an old saying that us Non’s use (non-BPD) and that is BPDs never let their bed get cold. I feel sorry that you feel such intense abandonment issues (which are not your fault, these were ingrained in you in infancy) that the only way for you to cope is literally just move on to the next and do anything to distance yourself from the pain it would bring you to face the truth. The truth being that you had a man who loved you dearly. One who was ready to spend his life with, despite your issues, and committed to wanting to make it better. And deep down, you know what you are doing to me is really crappy, which is why you have cut all contact. Its too painful for you to face the fact that you have hurt me and realistically ruined any chances of reconciliation.

Now, you believe you have found the next one, your key to happiness, which is why its so easy for you to discard me and cut me off, have zero empathy for me, and are acting the way you are. Ive realized that this has literally nothing to do with me, and everything to do with your own personal demons.

The truth is that, after the honey moon wears off, after you stop mirroring, the same old demons are going to rear their ugly head again, if left unaddressed. BPD is a very treatable thing, and thankfully you have done a lot of work in that direction, but after countless hours of research over the past few weeks, you clearly still qualify for the diagnosis. Telling me [Her therapist] doesn’t think you do means nothing, because BPDs often and lie and misrepresent to their therapists, and in the event you are being 100% honest with her, you certainly cancel and flake on her enough that it would severely impede your progress and growth.

Doing all of this research, and feeling what Im feeling had given me a tremendous feeling of liberation. Its made me realize that even after all the years of abuse, manipulation, and living in constant anxiety, I still have my empathy and adult emotions and coping systems in tact, where as, sadly you clearly don’t. For a few moments there, I was so dazed and confused that I thought I might be damaged goods. Then I realized theres a reason i feel the way I do and you don’t.

Things got so bad, I acted out in ways I have never acted before and likely will never act again. If you read the mental health forums, its like that for nearly everyone with a BPD partner. I want you to know that I do apologize for letting my emotions and feelings get the best of me in those times, they certainly are not who I am, and they are extremely out of character based upon who I really am. These are the types of things we could avoid if we gave things a go down the road, but only after extensive work is done on both sides.

Whats funny about this, is the catalyzing event, is another textbook common behavior of BPDs which is either flirting with other people in front of their partner or them over sharing about their thoughts or experiences with other people, sexually. This is a classic manipulation tactic the BPD does to their parter to maintain a level of power over them. You have told me over the years about tons of people you found attractive, and you always did it in a decent and respectful way. However the other night, you telling me you wanted to “jump on another dude” was not you being happy for your friends. It was a clear manipulation tactic done to get power over me and keep me chasing and desperate. It was a subtle hint “my friends are all upgrading, i could be upgrading next” in other words. Thats great for your friends, I truly hope they find happiness.

When I told you that I didn’t need to hear about stuff like that, instead of responding like a non-BPD and saying Ok thats fine, you decided to cut me off completely once you realized i wasnt going to let myself be manipulated by that. It has nothing to with what I said or how I said. Any normal non BPD person or someone with empathy (thats the theme here) understands this is not a pleasant or nice thing to hear to someone they are sexually and emotionally engaged with.

 Ever wonder why you never had to say something like this to me? Do you think its because I never found another woman attractive? No, its because I have empathy and I know it would make you feel bad. Your inability to recognize this has been honestly, the most glaring way you had of showing it, and I am thankful for it.

In the past, if I told you something hurt my feelings, you did your best to mend the situation. In this scenario, you not only didnt do your best, but you actively went out of your way to be extra hurtful and less empathetic by blocking me cold turkey and refusing to respond. Everything about the way you reacted is fundamentally wrong and immature, and there is a reason why psychologists often say BPDs are like dealing with a 3 year old when they are in this phase, and it makes sense because you are acting out based on deep rooted abandonment issues that stem from early childhood development.

And by the way, Im not saying this was a deliberate or malicious thing, I genuinely think you feel like you did nothing wrong, and thats the point. Thats because all of this is ingrained in you and has become second nature to you. To you, manipulation is akin to breathing, so you literally cant even realize you are doing it.

Its almost poetic that last week when you broke plans with me and refused to see me, you said “i am setting boundaries”. Its poetic because literally as soon as I tried to establish a very minor boundary (of not talking to each other about wanting to do physical things to another person) you instantly painted me black and cut me off. This is another classic BPD mechanic, where you are the only one allowed to have boundaries, and I am just some crappy nobody who deserves nothing.

So really, all I have left to say is thank you. Thank you for showing me a set of behavior that I thankfully don’t have, and also triggering a series of emotions and thoughts in me, which any well developed adult has, that you are so clearly, and unfortunately lacking.

I have no ill will toward you and genuinely hope that you can find your inner calm or peace some day, even if its with someone else. Because I am not like you, I am not going to make a conscious effort to block you everywhere and keep you out of my life unless you become harassing or malicious.  I do suspect though, you will do your best to make me out to be a monster to those close to you, and especially your next victim. However, I am going to be adhering to a strict set of boundaries that are designed to keep me safe both physically and emotionally.

[Speck]

 

Hello, gearshifted!

I did read your entire post (plus the letter), and it certainly looks like you've been dealing with a lot of painful stuff. Since your ex has been actually diagnosed with BPD, I wonder if that gives you at least some comfort in knowing that, despite your best efforts, the hurtful/selfish/childish behavior that she's subjected you to has mostly to do with with her need to write you off (paint you black) in order to not feel engulfed by you.

Although I dig the tone and message of the letter (that you haven't yet sent), I doubt very seriously that your BPDxgf will. Sending it to her may fall on deaf ears, and unless she's in active therapy, it's unlikely that she will be able to read such a letter without interpreting it as an affront. In other words, your letter may be a little too honest. People who suffer with BPD have a hard time with self-examination.

I haven't blocked her or anything yet, but I am going to set strict boundaries if she does contact me, but I for sure won't be contacting her in any meaningful way.

Keep setting those boundaries... .

I applaud your courage to write all this out here, and by all means, keep doing so if it helps.


-Speck

[Mutt]

Hi gearshifted,

It made me realize that this is about her, not me. I haven't blocked her or anything yet, but I am going to set strict boundaries if she does contact me, but I for sure won't be contacting her in any meaningful way.

Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear that things worked out this way with your ex. I was thinking about how your ex would react if you sent that letter and the fact that you're going to set strict boundaries. Then I thought that you're going to make it harder on yourself if you're not used to strict boundaries with her and she lashes out. She may just do what she's doing right now which seems to be push / pull behaviour.

Maybe give it some more thought about how you define your r/s with her? You can let the message sit in your in drafts folder for a few more days and come back to it and reread it and see how you feel then? What types of boundaries are you going to set on yourself if she contacts you?

Lastly and I agree with Speck let's take BPD out of the picture for a second and I think that many people on this board an maybe yourself would have a hard time listening to the things that are less appealing about your behaviour it's hard to listen that. I have a hard time with it. I'd like to ask you another question what's the purpose of the letter? What's your goal?

[gearshifted]

Hi gearshifted,



Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear that things worked out this way with your ex. I was thinking about how your ex would react if you sent that letter and the fact that you're going to set strict boundaries. Then I thought that you're going to make it harder on yourself if you're not used to strict boundaries with her and she lashes out. She may just do what she's doing right now which seems to be push / pull behaviour.

Maybe give it some more thought about how you define your r/s with her? You can let the message sit in your in drafts folder for a few more days and come back to it and reread it and see how you feel then? What types of boundaries are you going to set on yourself if she contacts you?

Lastly and I agree with Speck let's take BPD out of the picture for a second and I think that many people on this board an maybe yourself would have a hard time listening to the things that are less appealing about your behaviour it's hard to listen that. I have a hard time with it. I'd like to ask you another question what's the purpose of the letter? What's your goal?

I do agree that it would be very hard to hear these things even with BPD out of the picture, that is why I think realistically, it's something I'll never send. I knew I had to write these things down just for my own minds sake, because I like being able to very analytically lay out a situation. The types of boundaries I plan on putting into place are ones to keep me emotionally safe. Basically if its 1am and the phone rings and its her, I'm going to just not answer and pretend I'm asleep if I'm not already. I already know that nothing good is going to come from a conversation between us if she calls me at this time because it means she is likely drunk, and we have always had issues when she is drunk. If she is mean, degrading, or belittling to me, I am just going to remove myself from the interaction and not re-engage unless I am treated with respect. This may mean I am never re-engaged, but thats OK too.

Thank you to Speck and Mutt for taking the time to read my extremely long posts, I appreciate it and your advice. I will keep updating this now and then to hash out my thoughts as they come.

[Speck]

Sounds like you've got some good boundaries in place. And now you've written them down. Also helpful. My T had me draw up a list, too, and I find it helpful to refer back to it from time to time.

The only thing easy about BPD relationships is entering them. Beyond that, everything up to leaving them is a head-scratchin' struggle.

Hang in there.


-Speck

[Mutt]

It's good to write these down and share it with others because you already know that you're not going to get validation from your exBPDgf a huge part of healing is validation. Detaching especially in the beginning is difficult, some people describe it like it's literally like detoxification from drugs and alcohol and you experience withdrawal from your exBPDgf lean on this board that's why we're here is to support each member through the process of detaching if you feel the need to contact your ex because she's baiting, putting her feelers out, looking for soothing and you're struggling turn the boards.

[gearshifted]

Sounds like you've got some good boundaries in place. And now you've written them down. Also helpful. My T had me draw up a list, too, and I find it helpful to refer back to it from time to time.

The only thing easy about BPD relationships is entering them. Beyond that, everything up to leaving them is a head-scratchin' struggle.

Hang in there.


-Speck

Speck I just read your thread about everything you went through with your wife... and your list of boundaries posted later in the thread really resonated with me, and it's helped me set up a list of red-flags that I will use for sure going into my next relationship. My ex did many of the things you listed; love bombed me, bad mouthed her exes, begged me to move in after 5 months, bad mouthed me to her friends and family, slammed doors in my face and cursed at me, etc.

[Speck]

Speck I just read your thread about everything you went through with your wife... and your list of boundaries posted later in the thread really resonated with me, and it's helped me set up a list of red-flags that I will use for sure going into my next relationship.

That's the magic of a forum such as this. We can all learn and find validation from each other in ways that's just not possible in our real-life circle of friends/family. I have learned so much from the good folks here, and I also find the site articles very edifying. Also, you should know, your story touched me, as it made me reflect upon the times that I was so confused and beyond baffled by my own uBPDw's behavior. Not happy times... .
 
I am so happy to hear that my list of boundaries is helping someone beyond myself.

Keep reading, learning, growing, and writing. I will as well.


-Speck

[gearshifted]

It's good to write these down and share it with others because you already know that you're not going to get validation from your exBPDgf a huge part of healing is validation. Detaching especially in the beginning is difficult, some people describe it like it's literally like detoxification from drugs and alcohol and you experience withdrawal from your exBPDgf lean on this board that's why we're here is to support each member through the process of detaching if you feel the need to contact your ex because she's baiting, putting her feelers out, looking for soothing and you're struggling turn the boards.

As someone who dealt with opoid addiction some 10 years ago, I can testify to the fact this is very similar to a drug withdrawal experience. Even though there was so many chaotic moments that would be enough for most people to leave without a second thought, part of what makes the borderline such a difficult one to deal with is the good moments are so muxh better than the good moments I had dating a “normal” person.

I guess that brings me to my biggest fear. Which is that I will one day find myself a nice lovely woman, but because she doesn’t love bomb me from the start, I might feel like she’s not as into me.