It's Not My Job—working on boundaries

[freespirit]

   As an adult child of an NPD/BPD mother I have begun recently to work on boundaries.

So far these are my insights around what is, and what is not my job:

Its Not My Job To Be Your Awareness.

Its Not My Job To Solve Insanity.

It would help me so much if you would share your insights around what is, and what is not your job.

Thank you ~ Freespirit  

[Learning2Thrive]

Long time reader dropping in. Thanks for the questions.

It’s my job to establish and maintain boundaries for my side of the street.

It’s my job to be mindful of my thoughts, words, choices and actions.

It’s my job to be responsible for myself.

It’s my job to seek my own health and happiness despite what may have happened to me or been done to me in my past.

It is not my job to judge anyone else. I can simply let them be themselves and move on.

It is not my job to make anyone like me. It only matters if I like me.

It is not my job to sacrifice my sanity, my integrity or my truth for anyone’s comfort.

It is not my job to carry anyone else’s dysfunction, stress, anxiety or emotional baggage. In healthy relationships, each person must be responsible for managing their own issues.

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Freespirit and Learning2Thrive! 

It's not my job to prop up anyone emotionally to try and make them feel better about themselves.
It's not my job to try and change someone else or what they believe.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

It's not my job to rescue an adult capable of making her own decisions, all of which have their consequences.

[Feeling Better]

As a people pleaser and an approval seeker who is so used to putting others before myself, I now tell myself:

It’s not my job to look after someone who doesn’t need looking after

It’s not my job to defend someone’s actions, it is their job to be responsible for their own actions

[freespirit]

Thank you so much for your incredible replies guys!  

 Learning2Thrive    Woolspinner2000     Turkish    Feeling Better  

I feel so deeply grateful and very proud to be part of this awesome community and I look forward to learning, healing and growing more on this topic as more members join in with the thread.

I have a teenage daughter also in recovery who sees It's Not My Job—working on boundaries as becoming a best selling book  I think she might be right

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your contributions to this thread.

Much Love ~ Freespirit

 

[Pina colada]

It is okay to remove toxic people in from my life. 
It is not my job to allow others to lie about myself or family just to keep peace.
It is not my job to affirm to a disordered individual that they are "good, kind" when they have done abusive and evil things to myself and my family... .

[CollectedChaos]

Great idea for a thread!  Love it.

It's not my job to continually rescue another adult from their own poor decision making.
It's not my job to feel responsible for the actions or emotions of another adult.
It's not my job to give comfort to or reassure someone who has hurt me - this is not authentic and furthers my pain.

[freespirit]

Thank you so much   Pina colada   CollectedChaos   for sharing your insights.  

I had this insight last night around boundaries:  I had not claimed my body as my own because I did not have permission to exist. (NPDBPD Mother) I understand now that this is where my body shaming has been coming from. I have felt guilty my whole life for taking up space, for having a body, for "sinning" against my Mother *seen as god to a young child.

This is tough and it is going to take me sitting down and grieving this  

Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection. - Pete Walker, 13 steps for managing flashbacks.

Thank you again for your awesome replies guys!  

Much Love ~ Freespirit.

[zachira]

For me the biggest challenge with working on boundaries is that my boundaries have to much tighter with someone with BPD. With borderlines and narcissists, everything is about them. Their relationships are one sided, and I find it best to share as little personal information with them as possible, as they will use what they know about me to abuse me. An example: My brother who is BPD and narcissistic craves being recognized for the good things he does for others. Often what he views as benevolent behaviors are boundary violations, and just not giving the praise he expects can make him very angry. I never say anything, however the expression on my face says it all. Low contact is what works best with him and many people like him who are highly narcissistic and have borderline traits. It never ceases to surprise me what will upset borderlines and narcissists.

[Panda39]

Hi freespirit,

I love your groovy grey kitty    I have also enjoyed this exercise, this is what I could come up with right now.  I know I'll have more as soon as I take a shower... .all my best thinking goes on in there!  

Anyway here you go... .

It is my job to be responsible for me.

It is my job to create my own happiness.

It is my job to surround myself with people that love me just as I am.

It is my job to voice my wants.

It is my job to live my beliefs.

It is my job to love myself.

It is my job to forgive myself

It is my job to ask for help when I need it.

It is not my job to be someone you think I should be.

It is not my job to take care of you when you can take care of yourself.

It is not my job to create your happiness.

It is not my job to take on other people's responsibilities.

Panda39

[bees]

I would like to share a quote that has helped me... .”I am not in charge of or responsible for wrecks others have created in their lives and I do not need to save everyone in my life” Brendon Burchard

[LeneLu]

For me the biggest challenge with working on boundaries is that my boundaries have to much tighter with someone with BPD. With borderlines and narcissists, everything is about them. Their relationships are one sided, and I find it best to share as little personal information with them as possible, as they will use what they know about me to abuse me. An example: My brother who is BPD and narcissistic craves being recognized for the good things he does for others. Often what he views as benevolent behaviors are boundary violations, and just not giving the praise he expects can make him very angry. I never say anything, however the expression on my face says it all. Low contact is what works best with him and many people like him who are highly narcissistic and have borderline traits. It never ceases to surprise me what will upset borderlines and narcissists.

Zachira, what you say about benevolence and praise is so true.  And for me, it is like the harder my sister tries to elicit praise from me, the harder I resist it.  I am pretty authentic and am happy to praise when praising is deserved.  But when it is being tweezed out of me with "nice" gestures (which I have never asked for, btw), I just cannot bring myself to acknowledge them.  But then it is a vicious cycle because I am told that I am not "appreciative" (and "thank you" is never enough).  It is always me... .always my fault.  I am not really sure how to set up boundaries for "don't do that for me" so I don't get caught in this cycle.

Leenlou

[ijustwantpeace]

  As an adult child of an NPD/BPD mother I have begun recently to work on boundaries.

So far these are my insights around what is, and what is not my job:

Its Not My Job To Be Your Awareness.

Its Not My Job To Solve Insanity.

It would help me so much if you would share your insights around what is, and what is not your job.

Thank you ~ Freespirit  

I agree with all of us.

I would also add that we have a right to live our life as we see fit.

We have the right to a certain type of lifestyle and the right to allow people in or keep people out.

My mother does not share my values, and I have had enough.

She does not understand how to act right, and just be "normal" and not controlling.

She does not hear my NO ever.  I have had enough.  I am saving up money and planning my exist strategy.

I don't want to be mean or hateful toward her as that just hurts me, but I have a right to live a peaceful life without worrying about her blowing up my life.


I have been thinking about printing my rules out on paper and handing it to her.

My Rules
1.  Hear and respect my NO.  If I want your advice or help I will ask for it.  Otherwise don't offer.
2. Don't talk about the family.  30 years of hearing about it, and I no longer care.
3.  Don't talk about your sex life I don't care, and it is not my problem.
4.  I only wish to be around people who are mentally, spiritually and emotionally healthy and you are not.  So I don't want to be around you.
5.  Stop trying to control my life in any way or through my brother, niece or nephew.

I just wish she would get a life of her own or pass away.