Ex is trying to block preschool

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

My ex (upwBPD) is arguing that our developmentally-healthy kiddo who will be 2.5 in the fall should not be in preschool until she's 3.5 - 4.5.

Her rationale:

- She's worried that our child won't see school as a positive in her life if she begins preschool at 2.5;

- Out child can attend other classes with either of us that would make up for the benefits that preschool brings.


Knowing my ex, the idea of detaching from our child for several hours a day is terrifying to her.

How would you respond to this?

[Aiming4Kindness]

Hi all,

My ex (upwBPD) is arguing that our developmentally-healthy kiddo who will be 2.5 in the fall should not be in preschool until she's 3.5 - 4.5.

Her rationale:

- She's worried that our child won't see school as a positive in her life if she begins preschool at 2.5;

- Out child can attend other classes with either of us that would make up for the benefits that preschool brings.


Knowing my ex, the idea of detaching from our child for several hours a day is terrifying to her.

How would you respond to this?

[Turkish]

Are you talking about starting in the fall or this spring? The usual progression is preschool, pre-K, kindergarten.  Does that work out given your daughter's birthday,  that she would start kindergarten at 5?

As the dad of a kinder, "kindergarten is the new 1st grade." The schools will tell you this.  We put our son in something called "3s and 4s" which was preschool,  but given we dropped the ball (this was the year my ex went off the reservation), we did two six week seasons in the summer,  then he starated pre-k in the fall.  For D5, we did the whole year for preschool (M-W-F, 9-12). S8 was fine even though shortchanged.

If indeed there is separation anxiety involved here,  what are your thoughts on how to validate that? The next year there will be pre-K. Very few kids enter K with no previous schooling and aren't behind,  unless you work hard with her at home on shapes,  numbers,  letters and sight words.

It's also common for little kids to exhibit separation anxiety even into kinder (D5 still exhibited a little of this at the beginning of the year).

Could you check out a program and then convince your ex to then come with you to interview or tour?

[ForeverDad]

The earliest years of school are more for socializing the children with their peers learning to play and work together, at least that's the goal I had.  My ex was quite paranoid that everybody was 'probably' an abuser.  We separated before our son was 4 years old, yep, she had added me to that 'probably' list.  I was very concerned her attitude (":)addy doesn't love you but Mami loves you", etc) would keep our son isolated from others without any basis.

As the divorce process continued we did daycare since both of us had to work and once he was in kindergarten it became before- and after- school daycare.  She was very possessive as a Mother Knows Best parent, well, Better Than Father, in those early years.

[livednlearned]

What does the custody order say about decision-making for preschool, if anything?

Knowing my ex, the idea of detaching from our child for several hours a day is terrifying to her.

Do you think she will feel better about preschool at 3.5, or is it likely that she will make the same argument in a year?

How do you feel about preschool for your child?

In my town, there are cooperative preschools where moms and dads are expected to take shifts. Would your ex be willing to try something like that as a way to ease gently into preschool?

[GaGrl]

What is the birth date cut-off for entering kindergarten? Figure the I entrance year and count back.

Even if your child isn't doing pre-school, it's a good idea for socialization to do Mother's Morning Out of something similar at a local church of other organization.

[Aiming4Kindness]

What does the custody order say about decision-making for preschool, if anything?

Nothing at this point.

In my town, there are cooperative preschools where moms and dads are expected to take shifts. Would your ex be willing to try something like that as a way to ease gently into preschool?

I think this is actually a terrific idea.  I'm going to check into this.

[Aiming4Kindness]

Ex is now offering to tour one and only one school together, but stating that she only wants to tour it when the school is out of session.  She says all she needs is to "see the school" so she can better understand my perspective.  Huh?

[Turkish]

How is it going now,  any progress?

[ForeverDad]

Lots of conditions there.  Okay, at least two.  Lots of ways she could think of to nix it, well, in her mind.  Doesn't mean the court or other professionals will agree with her.  I'm guessing that anything she agrees to will be financially better for her than you.

[Aiming4Kindness]

How is it going now,  any progress?

The director of one of the preschools I like (and whom I've known for most of my life) has offered to visit my ex at her home to discuss any questions my ex has about preschool. 

Also sent tour times for another preschool that's close to her.

Waiting on responses.

Thanks tons, all.

[ForeverDad]

As other members have advised, don't counter your own offers.  That is, if you make an offer or suggestion and she fails to respond, it won't help to "sweeten the deal" otherwise she will sit back (or reject) and wait for you to make even better offers.  There's no incentive to truly consider your offer.  Of course, the alternative is to see what court will choose to do, so we generally do make fair offers before resorting to legal processes.  On the other hand, if our fair offers are refused or they expire, then we don't have to stick to them after refusal, expiration or turning to court methods.

[Aiming4Kindness]

As other members have advised, don't counter your own offers.  That is, if you make an offer or suggestion and she fails to respond, it won't help to "sweeten the deal" otherwise she will sit back (or reject) and wait for you to make even better offers.  There's no incentive to truly consider your offer.  Of course, the alternative is to see what court will choose to do, so we generally do make fair offers before resorting to legal processes.  On the other hand, if our fair offers are refused or they expire, then we don't have to stick to them after refusal, expiration or turning to court methods.

I feel like I need to tattoo this paragraph on multiple parts of my body. Thank you.