Daughter has BPD and is out of control—I’m at the end of my rope

[Calhoun54]

Daughter has BPD.  18 AND OUT OF CONTROL.  Suicide attempts and threats.  Physical attacks, verbal to the point of unbelievable.  Tells me to kill myself, that I and my wife are why she wants to kill herself.  Uncontrolable verbal outbursts.  Physically attacks herself, and states to my wife and I that she'll get us arrested, or fired from our jobs.  I was helping a lady that had a flat tire out in the country we live.  She started screaming for me to put a gun in my mouth and kill myself.  As I tried to change the poor ladies tire she came out of the house and looked at her and stated.  "Are you the next one to have an affair with my dad, are you going to f$&k him too.
I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS HELP!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Calhoun54

 

Welcome to the community. I'm glad you've reached out for help parents understand and can offer support, your situation is unbearable, your daughter out of control is no wonder you're at the end of your rope. You are not alone. 

Do you have professional help, someone qualified, experienced in BPD to support you and your wife work through this? Is your daughter receiving, accepting any kind of help?

How are you responding to the abusive behaviours, are there consequences?

I'm so very sorry you are going through this, we are here for you Calhoun54. Stay with us.

WDx

[bluek9]

Hi Calhoun54, I join WDx in welocoming you to this board. Oh my gosh you must be emotionally and mentally exhausted. I second WDx in asking what kind of support do you have? I know that for myself the verbal attacks were just the worst, often more than I could bare. I would walk away shaking my head wondering what just happened to me, where did all that vile cr*p come from. your daughter is 18, how long have you been dealing with her being out of control? I'm glad you found your way here, sometimes when it seems that you have no help or no where to turn, coming here and posting can be a big reliefe. You will see that there are plenty of other parents here who can understand and support you any time you need it.
  I am one of those parents, my BPDD is 35 she lives with me, so we have been doing this dance together many years. Sometimes I considered it rolling around in the mud of dispare, I searched frantically for a hand to help pull me out. I've been a single parent most of my daughters life, I didn't find that hand until I found this board. Sometimes when my daughter was so out of control I needed to step back away from her (physically) to give myself room to breath and think. Yes I did this knowing that her issues of abandonment would fire up even more. It was self survival in the moment, my daughter usually takes a good 8 hours to come down from a tirade.
    Right now we are in a 6 week space of calmness. It was hard to get here but, it can be done. Take heart, be encouraged calhoun54. Keep coming back and sharing your story, there is great hope in knowing that other parents understand that phrase "I can't live like this".

[heartandwhole]

Calhoun54,

I’d like to join wendydarling and bluek9 in welcoming you. I’m so sorry to hear that things have become so difficult for you and your daughter. That is incredibly stressful.

Do you have support from extended family and/or friends? It is so important when going through something like this to gather as much support around you as possible.

I’m glad you reached out. Lean on us and we’ll support you. 

heartandwhole

[Calhoun54]

Thank you all for the kind words and support.  Weve dealt with her BPD About 4 years.  Heres the rub: We took in my wifes brothers children due to his deatb from ALS, and his wife to cancer prior. He'd placed his two girls with his best friend. Months before his death. About a week before he passed they were given back due to one we'd find out later suffered from BPD, my wife called, while at his bed side, and asked if we could take them. Both girls suffer mental disorders coupled with watching the slow death of both parents, there was work to be done.  Weve gotten the niece responding well, and functioning well on her own in Denver.
I thought my niece was unimaginably hard to deal with, my daughter is far worse. This must be a hereditary disorder. 
  We had our niece committed for a six month stau at a metal health center, coupled with a stepdown out patiend in Denver.  And it worked.
  My daughter has fought every attempt to get help. She will go to appointments and thats it. Shes 18 so i cant force her.  We're at the point of packing her bags and dropping her off at a shelter, to save what sanity we have left.  Its destroyed our marriage.  Does this sound familiar to any of you.  And thanks again for the feedback.

[wendydarling]

Calhoun54

I can't imagine how you and your wife are still standing right now, you are - you found us. I'm so sorry for you losses and your pain and hope you feel some relief finding us, being here. Yes, hereditary, environmental - our children are sensitive, my DD hit crisis 2 months after her Poppa's death at 27 - she's doing well now after DBT, it all adds up to point somewhere.

There are parents here who live and carry through values, boundaries, find a way forwards with their children. Such a difficult place to be, edge forwards with us Calhoun54    

How is your wife, is there any hope for your marriage, BPD can be divisive in the best of marriages, staying on message, together is hard, it can be done as many parents here do.

WDx