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Author Topic: So exhausted an drained and just don’t know what to do  (Read 440 times)
Kylemik88
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: February 19, 2018, 03:12:55 AM »

I Have been in a relationship with this woman for close to four years. During this relationship there has been many good times but the bad times outweigh the good times a lot.

 A lot of times when she goes into her rages she will be verbally abuse to the point where I feel like crying and sometimes do cry. She can also be physically abusive as well. She throws things at me and my face and has even busted my lip open. She never really apologizes for these actions. She has also separated me from my friends and family. If I wanted to do anything with my friends she would get upset and tell me that I don’t care about her until I would break off the plans i had made. It’s to the point where if I want to spend time with friends she has to come with as well and that’s the only way I can spend time with them.

She will get upset at me for something i have no idea of what I did. She would tell me to leave and she cant stand me. So I would leave but as I would go she would call me and tell me how much I don’t care for her because I can just leave and not fight for this relationship so I would come back to her to show her that I do care but she would tell me to go again and its this hamster wheel of anxiety that never stops. She fills me with so much anxiety and stress that some days I just feel like breaking down and crying.

Just recently she has kept on pressing the idea of marriage and has eventually gave me a ultimatum that I needed to propose to her or there was no point in us being in a relationship. I eventually told her I would propose to her but I would need her to treat me better or else I could not marry her. She said if I showed her i was committed to her and I propose than she would be better and stop treating me badly. I just proposed to her on Valentine’s Day in some hope that things would change. Although the entire time that I proposed and after I was not happy I was just filled with anxiety and a hope that she will change. Everyone was congratulating me but i just could not be happy about the whole thing.

About a day later She wanted me to post on Facebook that we were engaged i did not feel like doing it at the moment but she pressed me so I did. When she looked at the post she became furious and went into a rage she said that I put the wrong date. I accidentally hit that days date the 15th instead of the 14th. She called me an idiot and kept calling me that over and over again and told me we were done with this marriage. She told me to take the ring and she doesn’t want to be with me. I couldn’t take it back and I just wanted her to stop she told me that I needed to take it or she will throw it in the trash. I told her to please stop and keep the ring. She then threw the ring in the trash and I had to dig it out. I left but the entire time she would call me and send me texts telling me to come back and why i hated her so much and would just leave. I eventually told her that during this whole relationship she has pushed me away every time I have tried to help her and she has hurt me over and over again and that I cant keep this up. I thought we were close to ending it but then she called me and told me that almost losing me made her see that she has been horrible to me and she see’s that she needs to change. She told me that form here on out she wants to show me how much she loves me and that she will work with a therapist to help herself. She said that i just need to give her the ring back to show her that I want to continue in the mirrage and she will work on herself.

I just don’t know if I should give her another chance. I have given her so many chances and each time she has broken the promise she makes. I love her and I want to be happy with her but I just cant see myself being happy. If she continues the way she is I will live a miserable life. I’m also afraid that if i have children with her that she will destroy them. She will make them feel so unloved and it will be heartbreaking. She tells me she will work on changing but I just don’t know if i can believe that it will happen. I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost and exhausted and very broken down.
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Gemsforeyes
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2018, 12:23:54 PM »

Dear Kylemik88-

I am so sorry for the confusion and pain you find yourself facing , but very glad you found your way to this site.  Many of us here have endured, or are enduring painful issues similar to yours.  We question our relationships daily.  I have often wondered if we are allotted a limited number of tears during our lifetime... .it seems we are not.

Kyle- there are many tools on this board to assist in improving communication with pwBPD (people with BPD) traits.  Learning to use these tools does take a lot of work on your part, but they can work.  I have been with my BPD Boyfriend for 4.5 years.  Many breakups, he rages horribly.  Then he will use those loving words filled with promise... .it's not ALL HORRIBLE.   We do still laugh... .but... .He has succeeded in many ways in his isolation attempts, and I question my self-worth pretty much daily now. 

I found this site in May 2017.  Perhaps I found the site too late... .And as long as I "wear my tool belt" , things remain relatively calm.  But there are things I feel are important to say, and I hope I'm not off-base... .

These relationships are very complex.  Unless a person has been in a relationship with a pwBPD, or BPD traits, They cannot understand why we can't "just move on".  The people in this community understand that.  We WANT to believe those promises!  But Kyle... .it's the actions.  I have now, FINALLY, realized that my lover's words evaporate as soon as they tumble from his mouth.  If the words are NOT followed by action, there is nothing to go on.  Actually... .I realized this years ago, but I need to keep reminding myself.

You're the only one who can figure out your next steps... .but... .there are things you CAN do to help yourself.  And you have the power to do this... .because you're here.  First, the MOST IMPORTANT part is the relationship you have with yourself.  I cannot stress enough how vital it is for you to regain your emotional health.  And I do know how hard this will be with your BPDgf screaming at you how selfish you are (you're NOT!).   

Second:  re-establish contact with close family and friends.  Just do that... .no matter what she says.  You NEED and deserve other loved ones and support in your life.  And those people love and need YOU.  You don't have to tell them everything you've been through.  You can share details of all of that here.  This is a safe space.  But tell them you need their support.  People who love you WILL step up.

Third:  PLEASE KNOW - you cannot not "fix" her.  You are NOT responsible for her disorder.  She had these traits way before you ever met her.  And you are NONE of the names she has called you.  NONE of them.  If she is the type who can ever admit to any fault, you can encourage her to obtain counseling and help.  If she blames and projects everything onto you, this gives you more of a look at your future... .and should clarify what your life will look like.  Without some serious positive interference, it probably won't improve.  Relationships do take two, but you are NOT responsible for her behavior.

Fourth:  Marriage is a big deal.  If you decide to learn the tools and try to improve the relationship, you can postpone marriage (AND CHILDREN).  You ARE an independent man, with independent thoughts.  You are allowed to decide WHEN and WHOM you will marry.  Period.  She can wear the ring if she wants... .but in my old opinion, no one should be coerced or threatened into marriage.  Ever.

I have found that writing in a "journal" helps.  I write on my laptop or iPad (password protected), so that he cannot see anything.  And if you're living together, this is especially important.  Delete your searches on your computer.

What I'd ask you to do is this... .read your post as if it were written by your very closest and dearest  friend.  And consider how you would advise him or her in this situation.

I hold a great deal of empathy for you Kyle, although I'm afraid you may not feel that right now.  You see... .I'm more than a bit over-sensitized at the moment.  My closest friend passed away unexpectedly a week ago, and my dear BPD bf couldn't give me two days to mourn.  I was understandably in tears.  I dropped my "BPD Tool belt" and the house collapsed.  This time... .I believe it may be better for me to just let the bricks stay where they landed.

So my friend... .please take a look at the tools, take some good deep breaths and some time to yourself.  Just be still for a bit... .no need to rush decisions.  And maybe ask yourself in a quiet moment... .

Is this the happiest I can be?
Is her definition of love the same as mine?
Does she want want I want?
Do our values truly align?
Why am I separated from my loved ones?
Can I have the life I deserve and want with her?
Will she take this journey WITH me?

No matter your answers, there will be pain and sadness.  But there is a better way to live.  And please Kyle, keep posting here.  This is a caring and supportive community.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Cat Familiar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2018, 02:42:03 PM »

I want to echo everything Gems has mentioned and Gems, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.   

Something to ask oneself: Am I in love with my partner, just the way they are? Or am I in love with who they could be when they're at their best?

This is a trap I fell into with my first marriage. He could be very kind and sensitive, yet minutes later, cruel and abusive. I hoped he'd change for twenty years and finally I decided I could no longer put up with the abuse. Now I'm married to yet another pwBPD, but he's mostly kind and his issues are more self-abuse. BPD is a spectrum and it's possible for some improvement with intense counseling and personal effort. However most pwBPD are not interested in doing that. So what you experience now, you will experience for a lifetime if you choose that partner. No wishful thinking is going to help them.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Red5
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661


« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 03:11:29 PM »

Kylemik88,

Welcome, this a good and safe place to be, sounds like you have already learned quite a lot.

As I read down through your post, it’s like reading some of my first posts here over a year ago.

The previous posters are correct, you are going to have to do allot of soul searching before you decide whether or not to marry your partner, it is NOT an easy road to travel.

Knowledge is the best medicine so learn all you can.

Again welcome and know that you are not alone,

Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2018, 03:42:01 PM »

Excerpt
I love her and I want to be happy with her but I just cant see myself being happy. If she continues the way she is I will live a miserable life.

Hey Kylemic, Welcome!  It is exhausting, isn't it?  We can't tell you what to do, but we can point you in the right direction.  First of all, we understand what you're going through, which is quite confusing I'm sure.  How did you happen to learn about BPD?  It's under the radar for most folks.  Your quotation above is quite insightful because it expresses the paradox that one finds oneself in a BPD r/s.  Those w/BPD want love, but behave in unloveable fashion.  They fear abandonment, but will push you away.  Does this sound familiar to you?  What are your gut feelings about where things are headed in your r/s?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2018, 06:36:44 AM »

Kyle -
Your feelings are there for a reason. They are telling you something. You wrote that you proposed but did not feel happy about it. Then you were reluctant to post about it.

If you were reading those statements about someone else- what would you say to them? Do these statements sound like someone who is happy to be engaged and excited to share the news?

When we are focused on the other person's statements, wants and needs, or what they tell us they think we are feeling, we can lose touch with our own feelings, what our self is trying to say to us. It helps to spend some time listening to our own feelings.

Engagement, marriage- does not change a person. What you see before the marriage is what you are most likely to see afterwards. She promised things would be different if you proposed. Were they? After you proposed, she was furious about the wrong date on FB, and then threw the ring in the trash. It is said that the best evidence of future behavior is past behavior. Can pwBPD change? Possibly, but it takes time and effort on the part of the pwBPD and therapy not a quick change in feelings or a result of your actions such as proposing.
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Red5
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661


« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2018, 08:49:30 AM »

Kyle -

Engagement, marriage- does not change a person. What you see before the marriage is what you are most likely to see afterwards.

Wise words !

Ok, time for a little light hearted humor on a Monday morning, 

I will say another way;

If anything, once the shield of courting good behavior (mirage) is no longer needed, and the restraining "hardware" as it were is securely in place, ie' wedding bands on the finger (ball and chains ), then any need to hide, or camouflage controlling or manipulative "feelings" is no longer needed by the pw/BPD.

*Ideation
*Love Bomb

What do they say... ."it was right about then that the other shoe dropped" !  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

This may (is) also be true in any other relationship beyond BPD/npd, et all'.

... .off comes the wedding garter, and out comes the frying pan  !

And I am sure it may work the other way round as well, .gender roles reversed,

Ya'll have a great day now ! 

Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
Sunnyside62

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« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2018, 04:58:29 AM »

Think twice before you marry this person I've been married to someone just like this for 34 years and I have been very very unhappy the whole time think very wisely about marrying this person
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pearlsw
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"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2018, 05:08:37 AM »

This thread is really helpful... .so much to think about! Thanks Gems, Cat, Red and all!

Hope to hear back from you soon Kylemik88!

 
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Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2018, 10:16:18 AM »

Excerpt
Think twice before you marry this person I've been married to someone just like this for 34 years and I have been very very unhappy the whole time think very wisely about marrying this person

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Sunnyside: Thanks for joining the conversation.  I find it sad that you have been largely unhappy in 34 years of marriage.  Could you fill us in a little?  What makes you suspect that your spouse has BPD?  What would you like to see happen, that would make your life better?  I know that's a tough question.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Tattered Heart
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« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2018, 11:48:22 AM »

Welcome kylemic,

I'm sorry that you have had so many difficulties in your relationship. You've found a great place for support. I have concerns for your safety, especially since your pwBPD has become violent with you in the past. I wanted to share a few resources with you:

We have information on Domestic Violence for Men . This has some ideas on how to respond to DV and consdierations when in a relationship with a violent woman.

I'd also like to encourage you to check out our Safety First document with details on how to keep yourself safe first and foremost.

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

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