Do you apologize for BPD spouse's behavior?

[Ble55ed]

What do you do when your BPD causes a big scene/conflict with others in your life who don't know about the BPD? I feel the need to apologize for and explain his behavior, but I also feel like it may just make matters worse, especially if the others don't understand. Have you ever coached other people on how to deal with your spouse without disclosing the elephant in the room?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I think our instinct to step in and take care of any messes a pwBPD creates is interfering with their own natural learning process to be accountable for their own behavior. If your H has offended people, then it is his job to apologize/repair the relationship. It is his BPD to choose to disclose or not ( if he even admits to it).

I think there are cases where we need to protect others, such as children who are not capable of comprehending adult behavior. But if we keep stepping in to protect someone from the natural consequences of how they treat others, how will they learn to do differently?

[Notwendy]

We can also protect ourselves. If we wish to be friends with someone and our spouses do not behave appropriately then we can socialize on our own. I am assuming boundaries of course. If you and your spouse socialize with other couples, then you can also meet your friend for lunch on your own ( assuming no romantic meetings).

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I completely agree with Notwendy.

[pearlsw]

Hi Ble55ed,

I think it may be important to disclose to some people. Have you tried it yet? Was anyone understanding or helpful? I've had to disclose and some are and some aren't helpful. Most just say to "run".

What is something that happened that you felt the need to explain about? Is there something that still bothers you that happened?

It's hard. You have us here though!

warmly, pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi Ble55ed,

It's odd, and frustrating to me, but my uBPDh is malicious and covert with his behavior.  He only does it behind closed doors, where nobody can hear or see him.  He said to me once, that nobody would ever believe me, if I told them how he treats me, because "he can control his emotions in public and I can't".  Geez.  When he said that, it gave me the chills.  That's the primary reason I suspect his disorder is at the very least borderline, but at the very most, truly psychopathic.

I agree with pearlsw, sometimes it may be important to disclose, but in my experience, disclosing has often backfired on me.  There is nothing they can do to help me, they don't see it to believe me, and it makes me appear to be absolutely nuts. The only people I have ever found to understand are other women who have lived through some sort of domestic violence.  Thats what my situation is, is emotional, verbal, domestic violence.

I have another family member, who has a mental health diagnosis, and she acts a little strange, almost childlike at times.  I have discovered, other people see her as endearing and sweet.  The oddness bothers some people, and they do not like to keep company with her, but others are willing and eager to be her friend.  From this experience, I say, those who are meant to be in our lives and support us will be there, and no amount of explaining or defending odd behavior will improve relationships with other friends.

It is hard to be going through this, and it does feel lonely.  How I desperately needed someone real who understood this craziness!  Pearlsw is right, there is everybody here!  I love it here.

Dig.

[ortac77]

I agree with pearlsw, but many people will not understand and I have had to accept this. Mental illness is generally still stigmatised and most people will not understand. I have had to accept why should they. I find it difficult that we cannot socialise as a couple very often - it can indeed be lonely but I no longer apologise or make excuses for his behaviour

[Tattered Heart]

I struggle with this ALOT. My H has created some pretty big conflict within our social circles in the past. And it was so embarrassing. I used to apologize for him, but I don't anymore. And it's really hard for me to not apologize because I want to make sure our friendships remain in tact.

When I decided to stop apologizing for him, I also disclosed privately to a few friends about BPD just so they understand. When my H has acted out publicly, when I had a moment to speak to the person he had issue with, I will validate that person and address my H responsibility vs. my responsibility. Most people have been pretty understanding. I've only had one couple end the friendship, but I was ok with it because I didn't really like them much anyway.

Did something happen with your H causing problems with others recently?

[Ble55ed]

Thanks, all. Still vascillating on how to handle it, but appreciate the thoughts.

Yes, Pearlsw and Tattered Heart, something did happen recently. He publicly had it out with an in-law and was quite mean about it, not fighting fair. In his effort to have the last word, he made a snide remark about her drinking problem that had nothing to do with the argument at hand. As these people are family, I feel I need to patch it up, but they are not very understanding and compassionate about mental illness and to date, he has been very opposed to my mentioning the BPD for fear of being stigmatized.

I need to work on my response to "What the h*** is wrong with him? When is he going to grow up?"

I get caught off guard. Answering, "I don't know" feels dishonest and unhelpful. Because I do know what's wrong, and I am starting to be better, though am by no means consistent, about how to respond to his dysregulation.

I think if only I could somehow let people know that if they would recognize and acknowledge that he's upset, and voice that "it's understandable" that someone with his world view might be upset, it might help.

[pearlsw]

Thanks, all. Still vascillating on how to handle it, but appreciate the thoughts.

Yes, Pearlsw and Tattered Heart, something did happen recently. He publicly had it out with an in-law and was quite mean about it, not fighting fair. In his effort to have the last word, he made a snide remark about her drinking problem that had nothing to do with the argument at hand. As these people are family, I feel I need to patch it up, but they are not very understanding and compassionate about mental illness and to date, he has been very opposed to my mentioning the BPD for fear of being stigmatized.

I need to work on my response to "What the h*** is wrong with him? When is he going to grow up?"

I get caught off guard. Answering, "I don't know" feels dishonest and unhelpful. Because I do know what's wrong, and I am starting to be better, though am by no means consistent, about how to respond to his dysregulation.

I think if only I could somehow let people know that if they would recognize and acknowledge that he's upset, and voice that "it's understandable" that someone with his world view might be upset, it might help.

My "h" usually has feuded with family members and since I don't see them often it sort of stays out of my sphere. I tend to focus on him during these times and not have to worry. In the last few months he started calling up my family members and making trouble for me so I had to run around putting out fires here and there. That sucked. But in some ways it did bring me closer to those family members and opened sources of support that I've never really tapped. I tend to be pretty independent in life and not ask for a lot of help. I probably should! It is just hard to rely on others sometimes. I tend to just prefer to take care of myself because of that, and it is so normal for me now... .And I'm not bitter about it all, that I forget that I have other options and can operate in other ways. I don't have to put limits on myself.

Instead of BPD I have said he is "emotionally sensitive" and I describe symptoms sometimes. I do discuss mental illness with those that are more informed or have more experience. I guess you just have to know your audience with some things. On the other hand extreme behavior is extreme behavior and we all should be very careful about not hiding too much about what we are really going through... .it can be a real shock if we keep up such a big privacy shield for years on end.

Do you have an idea about what you would want to say more or less? You might try writing it out here and then we could all take a look and offer ideas.

warmly, pearl.

[ortac77]

hi Ble55ed

I have been through a similar situation recently, in my case he texted my nephew about my nephew's wife's 'drinking problem'. Quite out of the blue and caused upset to my family. My family is important to me - however I took the decision not to get involved merely pointing out that my partner has a mental illness (of which they are aware and to a degree sympathetic), that I cannot apologise on his behalf and simply suggested that the texts were not about 'them' merely perhaps a way of trying to deal with his own shame (he has a problem with alcohol himself).

As far as my family is concerned that matter is over. It's certainly not the first time he has upset others with accusations or unpleasant remarks, it is a feature of his condition and one I can see actually causes him more pain than it does to others.

Now he is in victim mode - stating everyone hates him and will never be able to forgive him but he doesn't want to apologise because he can't take the blame, it makes no sense to me but I can see it does to him because in his own family of origin he has been disowned due to similar behaviours in the past. Now i am being told that my family wants me to get rid of him - a conversation that has never occurred!

I do try to inform others in the hope that they might recognise and acknowledge how his condition affects him, however I cannot dictate how others may react. I think mental illness is hard for many to understand, in fact I accept "why should they?". I do not believe we can apologise when these things happen, maybe explain and that can lead to greater support for us - we who live with this illness with the help of these boards and the tools can become more proficient at not taking what the pwBPD says personally (hard at times) - I cannot expect that from others.

[walkinthepark247]

Yes, there is an element of needing the pwBPD to accept the consequences of their actions. However, if you are a package deal, your friends might begin to move away from you. This is something I have very much struggled with. I am always so jealous of others I see on this board who talk about friends that they have who don't know (they think) that their spouse/partner has BPD. In my situation, we have become so isolated because my spouse doesn't interact well with others. You can actively tell at many times that she is uncomfortable in her own skin.

This is one of the main things I have been working with my therapist on. If he / she doesn't want to participate, you shouldn't put your life on hold. I was complaining of how my spouse acted quite rude on several occasions to guests we have had over. My therapist stressed that i should simply ask her if I could have the house on a specific night because I wanted to have guests over. Admittedly, I haven't put this into practice yet. Rather, I've been trying to reach out to old friends. It's also very important to me that my kids have friends and see the importance of relationships.