Betrayal by Daughter and Ex - Forgiveness

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am the father of a 16 year old daughter whose mother abandoned her when she was 3 years old and  have been the custodial parent since then. My daughters mother came  back in the scene in 2011 and I have always bent over backwards to make sure my daughter spent as much time with her as possible. I never asked for child support and my daughter has proably been spoiled by me and has the attitude to match at times. My fault for sure.

Anyway her mother is a BPD and looks for ways to create turmoil. She has been convicted of several violent crimes the most significant of which was shooting a gun at her boyfriend for which she was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. Part of the problem is it seems my daughter is exhibiting some of the same traits as I have seen in her mother, namely complete lack of empathy or thoughtfulness for anyone other than her self. I have tried to convince myself that she's just a teenager and it will pass but I am less sure of that as time goes by.

About two weeks ago there was a verbal argument between my girlfriend and my daughter at the end of which my daughter called her mother to pick her up. I agreed figuring that they needed to calm down. I haven't seen my daughter since. The mother went to the police station and filed a false report, called child protective services and had a judge sign a temporary order giving her full custody. The report from child protective services came back unfounded and the judge was informed of this but because of the holidays it will be another week before the case can be heard. There is zero history of abuse or violence in my household. The whole thing was completely fabricated out of thin air. This was a brand new judge with no family law experience and I'm sure she thought she was doing the right thing but she certainly was not.

So now there is this huge feeling of betrayal as the girl I raised from being a toddler has seemingly colluded with her mother to make this happen. I am torn as to what to do. I love her more than anything but feel as if she doesn't want to be with me I should let her go. I can't help but think she is trying to make up the hurt that was caused by her mother but I'm afraid she doesn't realize that hurt will only eventually be repeated.

To make matters worse despite the fact that she is a convicted felon there are firearms in the house.

What a huge hurtful mess.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

[sandwiched]

I am the father of a 16 year old daughter whose mother abandoned her when she was 3 years old and  have been the custodial parent since then. My daughters mother came  back in the scene in 2011 and I have always bent over backwards to make sure my daughter spent as much time with her as possible. I never asked for child support and my daughter has proably been spoiled by me and has the attitude to match at times. My fault for sure.

Anyway her mother is a BPD and looks for ways to create turmoil. She has been convicted of several violent crimes the most significant of which was shooting a gun at her boyfriend for which she was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. Part of the problem is it seems my daughter is exhibiting some of the same traits as I have seen in her mother, namely complete lack of empathy or thoughtfulness for anyone other than her self. I have tried to convince myself that she's just a teenager and it will pass but I am less sure of that as time goes by.

About two weeks ago there was a verbal argument between my girlfriend and my daughter at the end of which my daughter called her mother to pick her up. I agreed figuring that they needed to calm down. I haven't seen my daughter since. The mother went to the police station and filed a false report, called child protective services and had a judge sign a temporary order giving her full custody. The report from child protective services came back unfounded and the judge was informed of this but because of the holidays it will be another week before the case can be heard. There is zero history of abuse or violence in my household. The whole thing was completely fabricated out of thin air. This was a brand new judge with no family law experience and I'm sure she thought she was doing the right thing but she certainly was not.

So now there is this huge feeling of betrayal as the girl I raised from being a toddler has seemingly colluded with her mother to make this happen. I am torn as to what to do. I love her more than anything but feel as if she doesn't want to be with me I should let her go. I can't help but think she is trying to make up the hurt that was caused by her mother but I'm afraid she doesn't realize that hurt will only eventually be repeated.

To make matters worse despite the fact that she is a convicted felon there are firearms in the house.

What a huge hurtful mess.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

[livednlearned]

Hi sandwiched,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with. Nothing like the holidays for families with a BPD member  

It's not uncommon for a judge to grant the ex parte motion. But full custody with a stroke of the pen? I haven't heard of that before.

It sounds like you are concerned your daughter may have BPD traits? There is a book by Blaise Aguirre called BPD in Adolescence that does a good job helping to distinguish between regular adolescence and BPD behaviors.

How does your D16 get along with your GF most of the time? Does GF live with you? What are the arguments usually about?

Just wondering if D16 feels like she lost you to the GF, and that increased the tension in the home?

[sandwiched]

Thanks for responding. It's a temporary order that was supposed to be heard three days after it was issued but my exs attorney has had the hearing postponed twice because of scheduling conflicts. I filed my own motion requesting it to be dissolved yesterday but it won't be heard until January. The judge did grant visitation for Christmas Day but keep in mind I have had primary custody for thirteen years. I have spoken with a couple different lawyers who both say at 16 the outcome will be largely dependent on where my daughter wants to be. I'm hoping she will realize what is in her long term interests at some point . We have a good relationship but I think there is some compensating going on because her mother was gone for so long. It's incredibly hurtful as I really did do everything for her.

No good deed goes unpunished as they say. I think my daughter was hurt because I didn't take her side in the argument. She told my girlfriend to shut up which is what precipitated the escalation. Again nothing physical but I didn't step in to stop it and I think that hurt my daughter. There is not a lot of drama but the best I can say is they tolerate each other. My daughter is well aware that I love her.

[ForeverDad]

The court needs to know ex's criminal history.  In many counties you can get online and print out a listing of the cases and their outcomes.  Surely your lawyer can get a copy too, probably with more details.  What I'm saying is that a judge needs to know the background of the parent seeking custody.

IMHO ... .Same goes for the weapons in her home.  I believe laws in most areas are pretty clear about that.  Be prepared for her to hide or move them before law enforcement can investigate, or she may claim someone else owns them.  I would think her access to weapons is more of a concern than simply whether she has ownership.

I have sometimes stated to members here that if an allegation has been threatened or even contemplated, then it will occur, given enough time.  There has already been one allegation, there may be more.  (I recall when when the World Trade Center was bombed in 1993 in the basement parking lot.  I heard the newscaster on TV state it was the first bombing on US soil, not the only one.  They knew that once it happened, it was only a matter of time before there was another bombing.)

So once this is resolved by the court, ponder how you will handle things in the future.  Next time there is an argument, how should it be handled so you don't have daughter enabling your ex yet again?  Despite her age, she is still a minor and so for another year or two you can have her work with a counselor on her issues.  Just make sure you vet the counselors, some really are quite gullible and can becomed biased by the other parent's claims and posturing.  And some counselors or therapists aren't able to deal with the intense BPD conflicts — or daughters who may only have BPD "fleas".

I live in a state where there is no question I can record during incidents.  I did that before and after separation to protect myself from having no proof against allegations.  I viewed it as a form of insurance.  (Of course I did it low key with the recorder or phone in my pocket, I didn't want to inflame already tense situations.)  Another member here lives in a more restrictive state so he records himself to prove he didn't do anything wrong and if the ex just so happens to get included, not his fault.  Yes, in court his judge would lecture him but that was it.

[livednlearned]

my exs attorney has had the hearing postponed twice because of scheduling conflicts.

It's pretty common for our ex's attorneys to use little things like scheduling conflicts to stonewall and obstruct. You might want to find out if your attorney has to agree to these extensions... .if so, then tell him that going forward, he cannot grant any extensions. In normal cases, it is courtesy for lawyers to give extensions, but for our cases, it can be part of a strategy to grant the disordered parent a free pass, even if it's only for a short period of time.

Have you read anything about parental alienation? If not, it might be a good time to check into it. If nothing else, prepare for your daughter to interpret things in a distorted way. If she is vulnerable to what her mom says and thinks, even if it's to compensate for all those years, she will align with mom, temporarily at least.

If you think she was hurt that you didn't take her side, prepare to address this in a way that does not justify, argue, defend, or explain -- JADE. This tends to feel invalidating to someone who is emotionally aroused, which your daughter might be after spending time with her mom, and who knows what mom is saying. It might be better to say, "I know I hurt your feelings, I didn't take your side in that argument. I can see how you would feel that way. You and I have been a team for a really long time, and GF is new. It probably felt like a betrayal. How are you feeling now about it?"

That's validation of her feelings, which just acknowledges how she felt. It can help re-create a bond with her.

It's an easy skill to read about, and harder to deploy. Mostly because our emotions get flooded and things move quickly, making it easy to slip back into JADE.

[jenbren2006]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  It's insane how BPD people use the police and justice systems as their playground and they are allowed to get away with it!
After 3 and a half years of fighting in the courts my husband is ready to forego his relationship with his children.  He has fought so hard for more time right now it is 50/50 but the judge refuses to change anything.  We even had a custody evaluator three times tell the judge the kids need less time with their mother and the judge has not listened. 
The first week of our marriage I was reported to CPS about an incident that never even occured by my step daughter who was 10 at the time.  The first year of our marriage we had 12 emergency custody motions filed against us and 16 phone calls to the police with them actually knocking on our door a few times.  The judge is aware of all of this and allows it to continue. 
We were at our wits end because everytime my husband was with his children and tried to discipline them (simply by yelling) choas would ensue and the cops would get callled so it led us to move 1000 miles away (his parents get them on his time).  He now sees them once every 3 months.  Things have not settled down with the kids or the ex.  This last visit over new years he was with the kids for a week.  All the time with them was enjoyable for him except one incident were they were being disrespectful towards him and he yelled at them.  As soon as they got to their mothers house the kids informed their mom of what happened and fabricated that the older son ended up having bruises on his hand (which never happened).  CPS actually ended up investigating him and found everything unfounded-big shock because my husband was acting as an actual father and simply disciplinging his children. 
We are now at the point where we can't handle any more incidents.  It's been hell this last 3 and a half years.  On February 28th there is a status conference and my husband is going to try to force the judge to act.  At this point we don't care if it goes the other way we just all need a change.  We're miserable, the kids are miserable, the ex is miserable, and the grand parents are miserable and the judge refuses to change anything. 
My husband and I are very christian and we have faith that if he needs to part ways from his children now they will return when they are older.  He has been an amazing supportive father to them.  But our health is failing and we can't constantly live in this stress.  I have an 11 year old daughter that both of us are trying to raise and she needs parents too. We all deserve happiness and peace.  He has fought a good fight for his children and tried to save them but it's only getting worse.  It's time for a change.
I actually had a very nasty father growing up.  He did horrific things and was a terrible person.  I chose not to see him anymore when I was 17 and I reconciled with him when I was 32 years old.  In that time he was allowed to self reflect and change and I can now say he's one of my best friends.  If you have to let her go for awhile it will hurt but in the long wrong it more than likely will work out for the best!

[ForeverDad]

Sandwiched, can you give us an update?  Are any of the temporary order issues resolved or are they still pending?