STBX came over and dysregulated after weeks of things good around here

[so_overit]

I don't know what just happened. It was like a whirlwind. My stbx husband asked if he could stop by and pick up sports equipment. It is in the garage, I said ok. We have been communicating ok, I did get a snarky text last week, but we've been working things out re: finances, etc.

He came in, asked the kids questions, they had conversation. I stayed in my room with door open. I heard him go in and out of garage, I figured he would say goodbye and go. Instead, he started a full on attack. He walked into my bathroom like he owned the place and locked the door. Did not ask... .then he went into the kitchen and stood at the sink and said "F*** this house". Then told me how I should have left him in the sh*thole where I found him, and how we ruined his life?

Then in front of the kids he said passive/aggressive "have a nice time on your vacaaaaaaation, say hi to your friends". Then slammed our front door and screamed F!

I am just so upset. I have spent over a month trying to help my girls thru the trauma of all of it. Things were going great for us. Then he just waltzed right in and threw it all up again. It makes me not want him to have any private time with the kids. I seriously was uneasy when he was here. He looked unhinged. He mentioned first thing "where is my gun". This is just so messed up! I married a kind man 12 years ago and now I have a monster, who has no respect for me, or for our children... .

[takingandsending]

Hi so_overit.

How stressful that is, and especially for your children. 

Something that can help (albeit not very much during a dysregulation) is knowing that for a pwBPD, feelings=facts. Your stbx may have had any number of things that had caused his upset, but because he was feeling like sh*t, it meant you all were sh*t. That's just the poor, child-like coping with emotions that they do. And it can be very destructive and very upsetting, especially to children.

But you do need to be concerned for your and family's safety. I would consider having friends or even the police at your house for future visits where he needs to pick anything up. Make child drop offs/pick ups in a neutral location like school, the police station or fire station. How much custody time does he currently have with the kids? Do they express anything concerning when they are with you after a visit? It might be that supervised visits are best for now. What is your current custody order/arrangement? Do you have a lawyer to talk to about this?

There is a resource here about domestic violence, that maybe is not necessary, but helpful to read up on: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

[so_overit]

How much custody time does he currently have with the kids? Do they express anything concerning when they are with you after a visit? It might be that supervised visits are best for now. What is your current custody order/arrangement? Do you have a lawyer to talk to about this?

Thank you for responding. Gosh I sure got caught up in holidays, dealing with divorce, hiding, trying to just get thru the days. We are not yet divorced, our state has 90 day wait and I filed 11/6. He hasn't been alone with them since he moved 10/31. They are afraid of him. It's a stipulated, no contest divorce. He basically said I could have full custody in exchange for not disclosing what he's done to the family for the past several years. It should be interesting to see what the final result is on judgement, as I asked for him to have very little parent time. At the time I filed, he said he had "no interest in the children" but has since changed his mind.

He came by again twice, once unannounced (he texted me from our driveway). It was tough during holidays, because he wanted to see them but they didn't want to. He didn't push it. He did come by for a box and promised to be respectful, and on that one occasion he was.

I've learned a lot from videos and research as to why he has to hate us... .it helps. I asked my kids to call him on NYE, but they did not want to. I'm not sure how that goes with little ones and court, and them not wanting to be alone with him. I didn't have any $ for lawyer and since he said he'd sign with my stipulations, I just filed the paperwork and am now staring at the calendar waiting for it to end.

[takingandsending]

Hey so_overit. 

Sounds like a stressful holiday. Are you okay? You mention "hiding and trying to just get thru the days." I'm worried for you that the paperwork processing through court is not going to be the end. It may trigger (and likely will trigger) more reactions from your xh. I am also a bit confused on what judgment is taking place. Did the paperwork you filed include a parent plan, or was it just a petition for dissolution of the marriage? If it includes a parent plan and he signed on that, then are you expecting anything other than you having full custody?

I hope you and your girls are safe. Please do consider having someone with you when he is picking up items from your house or when he is visiting your daughters. Sounds like supervised visits are necessary if the kids are afraid of him.

[ForeverDad]

Holidays are stressful for even the best of us, but especially so for our disordered ones.  Holidays, births, birthdays, weddings, funerals, vacations, and the list goes on.  Let's hope this conflict fades as he gets back into his regular work schedule.  But do expect periodic triggers to arise and surprise you even when your lives move on into the post-divorce life.

The "Where is my gun?" demand makes me especially concerned.  Odds are nothing will become of it but that may be something you'll have to address in the order.  You certainly don't want him to come around when he's out of control and in possession.  Should he even own one?

Overall, it seems most courts see custody (decisions over major issues) and parenting time (the schedule for regular times, holiday times, vacations, reasonable phone calls, reasonable exchange locations, reasonable whatevers, etc) as different items.  So be very sure how "full custody" would work in your state and local area.  Also, does it reflect on parenting time?  A typical minority time schedule is often alternate weekends (one to three days) and an evening or overnight in between.  It can be more or less.  You may need to reveal, or be prepared to do so, why the time should be less than normal or why you need the discretionary authority when to decline visits.  Often the children, especially younger ones, aren't given authority to decline visits.  Before approving this, the court may also ask him to be present and confirm that he is agreeable to a less than typical schedule.

Do the children have counselors?  While they typically don't like to appear in court and make custodial recommendations (my state requires certification which social workers may not have) they may be willing to make some sort of report as professionals.  My lawyer exclaimed, Courts love counseling.  You should have that perspective as well.  But you need to be the one making that choice (or at least make the short list of reputable counselors the ex can choose from) so that you don't get stuck with inexperienced, gullible counselors or ones not on your insurance plan.  If your funds are limited, many counselors will work on a sliding scale.

As already noted, he may change his mind at the last minute.  If that happens, understand that you shouldn't try to appease him under the pressure of the surprising dilemma if it isn't good for you or the children.  Don't be caught off guard.  If he wants a change in terms then you may do best to ask for time to consult with the professionals (lawyer, counselors, etc) to formulate a response or counteroffer.  Of course, if you two don't agree then it won't be a no contest divorce.  Decisions and concessions made under the pressure of time and the unexpected are often regretted later.

If the judge is reluctant to grant full custody, then you need a fallback strategy.  One way is to disclose all your reasons based on the documented past history but another way may work as well.  The problem with a straight joint custody order is that if ex disagrees then typically you have to resolve it in court or mediation before proceeding.  That leaves you parked in the hot seat and having to wait for the professionals to decide, perhaps months later.  So if you can't get full custody then state that you will accept having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Technically it is still joint custody but it is virtually full custody since it allows you to proceed with your decision and then the ex is the one stuck having to go to the professionals afterward if he wants to contest it.

[so_overit]

Sounds like a stressful holiday. Are you okay? You mention "hiding and trying to just get thru the days." I'm worried for you that the paperwork processing through court is not going to be the end. It may trigger (and likely will trigger) more reactions from your xh. I am also a bit confused on what judgment is taking place. Did the paperwork you filed include a parent plan, or was it just a petition for dissolution of the marriage? If it includes a parent plan and he signed on that, then are you expecting anything other than you having full custody?

I'm ok, I was sort of hiding from his family who were emailing and calling... .I just wanted to get thru those holiday-days and also our anniversary, which was 12/30. He texted a very thoughtful text that day that made me weep. He was sincere... .he usually is, but then the coin flips. He called yesterday sobbing and saying he was so sorry.

In my state, since he was not contesting, I was able to file for a stipulated divorce, which he signed and agreed to everything I asked for. It included a parent plan. The parent plan had several options to check off. I chose less than 110 days. (It was one of the options). I explained in brief that his illness was putting extreme stress on mother/children. What I did not do, and wish that I had, was state I wanted supervised visits. This is something I may have to go back and fight for later (I can file to change the parent plan... .and I may do this if he continues to rage. He seems to have calmed down a bit... .  and got a raise at his new job which he was excited to call and tell me about today.

[so_overit]

You may need to reveal, or be prepared to do so, why the time should be less than normal or why you need the discretionary authority when to decline visits.  Often the children, especially younger ones, aren't given authority to decline visits.  Before approving this, the court may also ask him to be present and confirm that he is agreeable to a less than typical schedule.

I agree with this, totally. I have documentation and recordings that I may have to bring forward to discuss the 'why' he should not have much time. He has hurt both of my girls at one point. One very cruel thing that was when I told him I wanted a divorce. Of recent, it was all verbal insults, like making fun of my daughter stuttering, or calling them names. Very childish bs.

The girls do not have counselors. Thank you for sharing about this. I will not be caught off guard! I am in momma bear mode now, I will do whatever I have to do, to protect these 2 little souls. They have been thru enough... .and are only just starting to feel free of it all. I've asked my mum if she might be able to give me a loan if I need to fight with bigger guns, should it come to that. I am holding cards that will be used in my fallback strategy.

So if you can't get full custody then state that you will accept having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Technically it is still joint custody but it is virtually full custody since it allows you to proceed with your decision and then the ex is the one stuck having to go to the professionals afterward if he wants to contest it.

Thank you I will research this!

[so_overit]

Hey all! 

I am so happy to report that I am now "single" and have been given sole custody physical and legal of my babies! I re-did my entire petition, made some changes based on info received here, and research I did - (I changed to use more legal terms and re-wrote some of the stipulation). It was a pain as it added time and I had to get all new signatures from ex. However, I am SO glad I did - it worked!

I also have no set schedule for his parent time, and he signed off and doesn't want much more than that. He also gave me permission to move out of state closer to family. He says he is "happier" now.

Either way I could not have had a better outcome! Thanks to you all for your advice and support. Especially what you wrote ForeverDad, it got me thinking and researching and I'm forever-grateful!

Judge signed on February 14   

[takingandsending]

Oh! I am so happy for you and your girls. That is a terrific outcome. I am glad that you and your children can move on with your lives. Please take time for yourself to consider and research what role you had in your marriage and how you can build a healthier role for yourself in the future. Congratulations!