Ready to break up, found she was pregnant, dealt with that. Hard to move on

[heffen]

Hi BPD family.

I'm new here but my situation is not a new one. I just mustered up enough courage to seek some support and insight on the matter. My apologies in advance as this will be long but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I was in a relationship with my ex for a year. I believe she has BPD and she also mentioned it to me once in a deep conversation that her therapist had thought she had BPD or bipolar. As I sit she broke up with me in October 2016. Nearly going on 6 months now but I think about the breakup daily and need some advice on how to let go and finally move on.

The relationship started with her expressing interest in me but only in a physical way. I was attracted and was on the same page. As I had gotten out of a relationship a few months prior and wasn't looking for anything serious and she was 6 months out of a 6 year relationship and painful breakup. (Keep my past relationship in mind it will come into play later.)

We started off hot and heavy with intense chemistry and a lot of passion and amazing sex. She was down for anything in the bedroom, a common trait I've heard of BPDs. She would text me all day everyday to the point where I couldn't do other things. As time went on she developed feeling and so was I to be honest but I was scared to get into another bad relationship. I really liked her and so decided to persue the relationship. After some time she began to become withdrawn and started to change. She would always badmouth her ex and say he was this and that. Then I noticed little things like her talking about an old fling and how she had to help him with a case (she's a lawyer). I was fine at first but something didn't sit right with me about it. Of course the more she distanced herself the more I could feel that and was fearful of losing her at the time. Then one night she mentioned him late at night and my stomach started churning. I couldn't sleep, my gut was screaming something is wrong. The next morning as she went to shower I checked her phone. Something I'm not proud of till this day but my fears were validated. She was telling him things like she misses him and the sex they used to have and it's lucky that she's faithful in her relationships even when they suck. That hurt me the most.

I admitted I checked her phone which she didn't react well to and later I broke up with her because I felt disrespected and that it wasn't going to work. I despise disloyalty and was very hurt by it. She wanted to stay friends to which I declined. Anyway a month later we ended up reattracting and hooking up then she said how it was so hard for her and she cried so much and realized how she didn't give us enough of a chance and wanted to try again. I was sceptical at first but decided to try make it work. Only on the premise that we had a lot of issues to work on and if she was prepared to work on them then let's give it another shot. We started off rocky and it was just too much stuff to process at certain times. She would tell me she would get frustrated with her partners and wouldn't communicate and would want to run.
I was still anxious and fearful and the trust was destroyed previously but I vowed to do my best to make it last this time and started watching YouTube videos for dating advice and followed Corey Wayne's dating advice but I wasn't perfect at it and through trying so hard maybe it backfired on me.

Anyway things began to pick up. We worked on our communication and we went on amazing dates, developed a great connection, we're so deeply in love and then it would all start up again. I remember her saying at times that I didn't seem present and that I was always walking on egg shells and she didn't want that. Through the dynamic of the relationship I began to lose myself, I spent less time with my friends, was fixated on her and the rations hip constantly and later my self esteem really took a blow. Of course throughout I began to see red flags. She could be very promiscuous, just use people for sex and discard them.  She was impulsive and always had money problems, spending being her means. She would tell me things like she didn't know who she was or what her true calling in life was and that she often wanted to just drive far away and be lost forever. I began to see she was in a lot of pain but then Bagan to support her. I also have depression so we saw that as something in common. She had a very troubled childhood, her father was never around, her mom was physically and verbally abusive and she hates her to this day. She mostly got along with her gran who was beaten up by her mom once in front of her and then murdered later on. Her brother who was estranged who she linked up with also was murdered after some time. So a lot of trauma to say the least. She ran away from home and has never spoke to her mom since.

Then I found out things like she had sex with the plumber, her gym trainer, just random people and it would seem like she always wanted sex even with just random people. We stopped using condoms on our second time having sex which at the time thought was risky on both our parts but I looked past it. She told me her last two relationships ended in physical violence. That she beat up her last exes and that was the last straw.

Anyway she would go through bouts of depression, saying I deserved better, wanting to distance herself and then wanting to be all over me. Then she would make everything my fault. I remember trying to open her up to talk about what's bothering her and many times she would reprimand me as in why do I have to ask if she's OK it's not always about me. She would become very annoyed if I asked her what's wrong until eventually I stopped. She would tell me communicating if too painful and she would rather go off and stew about something and come back a day or two later. That that is what she needed and I wasn't listening. She would say I'm selfish for trying to find out what's eating her.

Anyway long story short she turned 30 a month before we broke up and was stressed about what it meant. She was depressed the whole time but I supported her. Even to get back into therapy and persue a change of job. On her birthday she was weird and distant... .De ja vu. I had the same feeling and the same reaction. I checked her phone and she was still texting the guy. It seems she had been texting him for a while but what I saw was she was telling him she misses him. I decided to break up with her but I couldn't because the twist is she had fallen pregnant by accident. We decided not to keep the baby and I stuck around to support her through the whole process. Held her hand and was there for her even though she was cold and withdrawn. Knowing that she was probably cheating idk. I still stuck around. She kept blowing off dates and I was waiting for things to cool down and she came over one morning and I just knew she was dumping me.

She did, went in to strict no contact after that. She would send me random messages during this time some blaming me for things in her life I have no control or part in. One was sent like 2 weeks ago and it was to say sorry, mistake. meant to call my previous ex who's got the female name to mine. Oh and about that previous ex they're both now eachothers besties somehow. The pitfall of dating within the same friend group I guess.

My question is how do I move on from this whole situation. I know it's not good for me. All the drama, crazy making, blame, trauma has really affected me and now she's integrated into that friend group and it seems I am the only one who sees her true colours. I almost think I am the k woman with BPD. Everyone loves her, she looks great, happy, new clothes, doing so many things while I had to come home to heal, having been having such a hard time. She even got the new job.  I am literally terrified at this stage of bumping in to her in any way. I'm even scared of going back to the city where we live but I have to to finish my studies which took a hit from it. How do I move forward and limit the pain of what she did, her potentially being so much better without me and the fear of experiencing this again in my life. I am terrified to even date atm but I want to move on so badly and find that person that's right for me and win in some way at the very least. I have great days and moments and feel like I am moving on but am constantly watching YouTube videos about breakups, how to get ex back, how to feel better. I am not by any means saying I am a Saint but I never hit, stole, cheated on her. Nothing. And I was always trying to be the best version of me I could be and yet she was the one who left me. Almost as if she was doing me a favor which makes it more enfuriating. I feel stuck and I really just want to let go and finally be at peace.

Sorry it was so long and thanks for reading it all if you did.

[spero]

Hey there Heffen,

First i must commend you for being bold in sharing your heart. I can't imagine the hurt, loss, pain and all the other peripheral issues in your present state. But by just being here and expressing how you feel and writing is already a step in the right direction toward healing up. Your story, as i've read through has a very stark similarity with mine. I'll respond in two parts so here's the first.

I've observed the time frames and behaviours between your ex and mine and find many uncanny similarities, which to me are now no longer surprising.

We started off hot and heavy with intense chemistry and a lot of passion and amazing sex... .She would text me all day everyday to the point where I couldn't do other things... .After some time she began to become withdrawn and started to change. She would always badmouth her ex and say he was this and that. Then I noticed little things like her talking about an old fling and how she had to help him with a case (she's a lawyer). I was fine at first but something didn't sit right with me about it. Of course the more she distanced herself the more I could feel that and was fearful of losing her at the time. Then one night she mentioned him late at night and my stomach started churning... .  She was telling him things like she misses him and the sex they used to have and it's lucky that she's faithful in her relationships even when they suck. That hurt me the most.

This was pretty much how i and my uBPDexGF started out. She also denigrated her ex but slowly she flipped and she said oh she misses him and that she stick with him thick and think though he had been so abusive toward her.

We worked on our communication and we went on amazing dates, developed a great connection, we're so deeply in love and then it would all start up again. I remember her saying at times that I didn't seem present and that I was always walking on egg shells and she didn't want that. Through the dynamic of the relationship I began to lose myself, I spent less time with my friends, was fixated on her and the rations hip constantly and later my self esteem really took a blow. Of course throughout I began to see red flags.

I started out thinking my uBPDexGF was having an avoidant attachment style, we would get close and then she would just suddenly turn cold and push me away. Mine would say she was not being present with me as well, throughout the course of my own relationship i gradually spent less time with friends and focused about 80% of my time on her apart from work and family commitments. I was beginning to isolate myself as a result of circumstances. Chris, isolation will work against your own good unfortunately.

She would tell me things like she didn't know who she was or what her true calling in life was and that she often wanted to just drive far away and be lost forever. I began to see she was in a lot of pain but then Bagan to support her. IShe had a very troubled childhood, her father was never around, her mom was physically and verbally abusive and she hates her to this day. She mostly got along with her gran who was beaten up by her mom once in front of her and then murdered later on.

There is an identifiable marker of childhood trauma, and what you see manifest as the challenges you had faced in the relationship is compounded also by the issues from her past. Mine had an abusive childhood too, trauma, distant controlling parent.

I stuck around to support her through the whole process. Held her hand and was there for her even though she was cold and withdrawn. Knowing that she was probably cheating idk. I still stuck around. She kept blowing off dates and I was waiting for things to cool down and she came over one morning and I just knew she was dumping me.

This might be when she was subconsciously or consciously detaching, during my last and final fallout, mine outrightly told me im detaching. That is something i dont understand completely, but it is likely to be to a certain degree a subconscious defense mechanism of sorts.

Spero.

[spero]

My question is how do I move on from this whole situation. I know it's not good for me. All the drama, crazy making, blame, trauma has really affected me and now she's integrated into that friend group and it seems I am the only one who sees her true colours. I almost think I am the k woman with BPD. Everyone loves her, she looks great, happy, new clothes, doing so many things.

Here is Part II

Heffen, i'll have to ask the hard questions very gently as i ask them myself. How ready are you at this point to let go? letting go is a process and albeit a very gradual one. Now, depending on where you feel you are right now, though we've told ourselves 100 times im not going to engage, sometimes unfortunately we do. Happened to me. If what you say about your ex is what she is, a person with BPD, until the final recycle comes she you will always be in the recycling loop. So this is kind of a preemptive caution of the possible things to come if she does the push pull, recycle dance with you.

The thing is Heffen, its gonna take time to dis-engage, i think your mind is sill ruminating about how well she "seems" to be doing on the outside and how much pain you're in. I'm really sorry that you are feeling hurt and all. But, i say this again very gently, it will not benefit your well being in the long run to think about "how well shes doing". I've seen enough to know that it can be faked it for a while, after my final interaction with my own uBPDexGF, she transformed into something else. I knew it was her, but something didn't feel right about her new image. The sense of not knowing, and that pervasive emptiness will catch up to them. So, if i were you, i would save your mental energy on checking up on her. Course you miss her, i still miss mine. Course it sucks, but you know heffen, the issue about being engaged on your end, means she still has "control" over you. This "control" is something you want to take back, for your own sake. It is, i would say essential to your long-term healing.

while I had to come home to heal, having been having such a hard time. She even got the new job.  I am literally terrified at this stage of bumping in to her in any way. I'm even scared of going back to the city where we live but I have to to finish my studies which took a hit from it. How do I move forward and limit the pain of what she did, her potentially being so much better without me and the fear of experiencing this again in my life. I am terrified to even date atm but I want to move on so badly and find that person that's right for me and win in some way at the very least.

Grief and loss are varied in the human experience, i'm no psychologist, but as far as what i'm hearing you say, you appear to be experiencing some level of post trauma from the relationship (PTSD) This sounds silly, but you really do not need to be terrified of her. If you are struggling with this, i suggest that you might even seek professional help seeing a therapist. I commend you for always wanting to better yourself and being the best version of yourself. And i'll say this very kindly, as much as you might disagree, as some had, you deserve better. Don't get me wrong, i have no intention or malice of any sort to dis people who are really going through life with BPD as a condition. But if your ex is as you say, she isn't capable of love or commitment in a normal way. And i can tell you that while they can temporarily keep it in, it is because they've swept it all under the rug. As long as it remains unprocessed for them, it will bite back at them someday. Some i've heard have even taken their own lives.

Stay on strict NC, though it may be so tempting to want to reach out. There is a term called "radical acceptance" and i just accept things the way they are. Now, i am going to also be cynical and say, be cautious. If your ex is indeed trained as a lawyer, make sure you keep records of past incidents. Keep them in cold storage, in case she makes weird accusations about you, you have something to defend yourself with. Don't delete your chat logs. Keep them arichived somewhere, that may well be your saving grace in a sticky situation. When you are ready to take measures, blocking her might be necessary, changing numbers, emails, facebook, instagram. Leave no room for her to reach you or contact you. You may well wipe yourself out of her existence and remain a spectre.

So, unless you're like me, a freaking ruminator and deeply analytical person trying to figure out what makes the universe tick, its better to save your energy trying to understand something which doesn't make sense to you. It has come to a point and perhaps others on this BB will tell you. Your ex's issues were never about you. You didn't cause them, nor can you change them or cure them. I believe the community here will help you stay grounded in that. I am here to support you in this experience, not so much your ex-partner, so your well being is in that sense what i would be objective about.

Looks like i've gone on a rant again,
Spero

[FindingMe2011]

BPD is the failure to separate / individuate from primary caretakers. Consequently, they seek out replications of caretakers found in people who need perfect mirroring.

Many BPD partners are also suffering from immaturity. They also have developmental deficits in their thinking, and they project these onto the unknowing Borderline in order to cast off their own shame and utilize the defects of the Borderline as their combination mirroring agent and marketeer for their false self.

When the false self fails from imperfect mirroring; a huge narcissistic injury ensues. If this causes a jump into a new relationship to soothe the ego and calm the reactive need -then rightfully, the Borderline withdraws. (One of the signs of immaturity and impulsivity is multiple partners overlapping.)

There is no devaluation and discard from the Borderline. There is only a detachment and protection from the failure to become the perfect mirroring agent to a person who NEEDS perfect mirroring.

When a person needs perfect mirroring and must have it from multiple sources; moving on to recycle old flames or search on-line for new ones, or have one-night stands- this is a sign of insecurity. Never to be alone, unable to delay gratification. Always needy. Multiple relationships overlapping during the BPD relationship eliminate trust, safety, and security for a Borderline. This isn't a discard and devaluation- this is an extreme valuation that once temporarily soothed the developmental deficit and need for value. Sometimes, for both parties. One person is doing the necessary stepping back to detach and protect, and yes it involves hurt and mistrust.

Considering yourself to be above average in attractiveness, a "catch" and a somatic is something that pivots on reactions from mirrors. Using a person to act as a mirror objectifies that person until they become exhausted with feelings of bondage and slavery.

The subsequent retreat from this is not a devaluation, but rather a self fulfilling prophecy, that comes from selling themselves out to be used and the failure of individuation. Never to have the safety and security of being loved for who they are because they haven't found themselves in development. It is a repetition compulsion.

Borderlines often pick partners who do this because it proves their self-defeating actions. It is an unconscious response and one that takes many years of therapy to overcome.  

I feel stuck and I really just want to let go and finally be at peace.

Out of everything you had to say, these words, will serve you the best... .If you feel stuck, thats b/c you are... .do something different, you will get different results... .Letting go, will require growth on your part... .The more growth you acquire, the closer to peace, you become... .I wish u well, peace  

[heffen]

Firstly thank you all for the kind words advice and information. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one who's been through this.

Spero, thanks a million for your input. I never thought I'd find someone who went through something similar. In terms of being ready to let go and move on I am trying hard to do so. For my own sanity and well being. I only ever see her picture through profiles of other people in our close group I follow who post images where she's present. I don't consciously seek them out because they are painful to see. I u followed her Instagram the day we broke up. I agree it's not worthwhile to focus on how "well" she's doing because social media is an illusion but I guess that's all I've been able to go on and I can't seem to escape the random image sneaking through. I agree with you though that this keep her control over me and I need to take my own power back.

I used to get constantly reminded of her in everything but that was subsiding. Now apparently she's become really close to my ex before her. They're besties apparently and she's apparently infiltrated that friend group who she couldn't be bothered with before.

I also agree that I may be experiencing some ptsd. My T had also said something similar before. I'm terrified because I know that even if she were to recycle it would never work out for us and I don't have the heart to risk my emotional stability again. But at the same time some part of me wants to appear attractive to her and moved on so that she doesn't actually see me broken and think yeah I made the right choice by leaving him. So I'm in this constant loop of knowing I want to move on but wanting her to want me back I guess. She had said some things to me that cut deep into my insecurities that were already there and so I guess I'm healing the breakup, the BPD relationship and my past traumas.

I think the best course of action for me will be to see a great T when I get back. Distance myself from that friend group and from her until I'm stronger and focus on my school, growth and personal projects until I'm super strong. Also I'm definitely not dating for a while to come. Couldn't bare to go through this again with another person or have my baggage negatively affect my next relationship.

[heffen]

I literally can't wait for the day when I can wake up and go to sleep without thinking about this breakup and just enjoy life and see the world as an amazing place again. The day where even if I see her picture or bump into her and her new boyfriend I feel absolutely nothing but my own inner peace at that moment. That is what I truly long for. Has anyone gotten through it and come out the other side better than before?

[Jeffree]

Has anyone gotten through it and come out the other side better than before?

Yes I have... .twice.

Getting through it in and of itself is coming out the other side better than before.

But on top of that, having the freedom to breathe deep calm, to come and go as I please, to hangout with whomever I want, to look and admire the beauty of whichever woman I please, to paint my house whatever colors I like, participate in whatever hobbies I enjoy for as long as I like, celebrate birthdays and holidays however I please... .

All of these things are reminders of just how much better it is than before.

You'll get there and it's going to be great!

J