uBPDw dragging feet about signing divorce papers

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPDw served me divorce papers to sign on Dec 6.  She's not asking for anything, as we both have identical jobs (make the same $$), I paid my house off before we were married, our kid is 18, and we have been married for 8 years (I informally adopted her kid as my own).

I had an attorney look over her drawn-up divorce documents, and he formally requested that her attorney make some changes in the wording of the documents, which happened.  When they came back revised, I signed them on Jan 2.  I let her know that I signed them in a very cordially worded email on Jan 4.  The next day, she emailed me that she was "reviewing the documents to sign."  So, that was on Jan 5.

This summer, she plans to be working in another state, and I can just see her leaving for that assignment without attending to the divorce that she initiated back in December.  My concerns have never been a priority to her, and the fact that she has abruptly walked out of my life and left me hanging in limbo-land (again) probably doesn't visit her consciousness once a week, if at all.

I'm afraid that she is just going to drag the divorce process out.  How long should I wait to prompt her to get on the ball to sign and file the divorce documents?  I do not plan to be an ass about it, but I also don't wish for her to run the clock on this thing, and here I'll sit two years from now still married to a person who doesn't give a flying fig about me.

Just looking for a general consensus.  Any ideas?


Sorry... .this is cross-posted to my original thread, but I think I should have started a new thread instead.

[Speck]

My uBPDw served me divorce papers to sign on Dec 6.  She's not asking for anything, as we both have identical jobs (make the same $$), I paid my house off before we were married, our kid is 18, and we have been married for 8 years (I informally adopted her kid as my own).

I had an attorney look over her drawn-up divorce documents, and he formally requested that her attorney make some changes in the wording of the documents, which happened.  When they came back revised, I signed them on Jan 2.  I let her know that I signed them in a very cordially worded email on Jan 4.  The next day, she emailed me that she was "reviewing the documents to sign."  So, that was on Jan 5.

This summer, she plans to be working in another state, and I can just see her leaving for that assignment without attending to the divorce that she initiated back in December.  My concerns have never been a priority to her, and the fact that she has abruptly walked out of my life and left me hanging in limbo-land (again) probably doesn't visit her consciousness once a week, if at all.

I'm afraid that she is just going to drag the divorce process out.  How long should I wait to prompt her to get on the ball to sign and file the divorce documents?  I do not plan to be an ass about it, but I also don't wish for her to run the clock on this thing, and here I'll sit two years from now still married to a person who doesn't give a flying fig about me.

Just looking for a general consensus.  Any ideas?


Sorry... .this is cross-posted to my original thread, but I think I should have started a new thread instead.

[FindingMe2011]

Depends on the laws of your state... .In FL, its a no fault state, and you dont need a reason, to get a divorce... .Expect her to drag this out, and dont become frustrated, in front of her, this is what the illness wants... .It appears you called her bluff... .signing this would most likely, stir her abandonment issues... .learn the law, this should help your decision making... .i wish u well, PEACE

[Speck]

Depends on the laws of your state... .In FL, its a no fault state, and you dont need a reason, to get a divorce... .Expect her to drag this out, and dont become frustrated, in front of her, this is what the illness wants... .It appears you called her bluff... .signing this would most likely, stir her abandonment issues... .learn the law, this should help your decision making... .i wish u well, PEACE

Yes.  I also live in a no-fault state, and she just went to a divorce lawyer mill and had papers drawn up for $300 under the BS premise of unreconcilable differences.  It's an uncontested divorce, as I agree with her that we should part ways. So, I signed the papers.

You also have excellent advice for me not to reveal that I am frustrated with her dragging her feet with this.  Since she emailed me divorce papers SIX days after walking out on me, I originally thought that she was trying to get the fastest divorce in the history of mankind. But, no.

I think you're right that maybe she was grandstanding, and that she did not expect for me to actually sign them!

Now she's back living in her parents' dank basement, and that can't be pleasant. And her husband who treated her like a queen now agrees that she can go find herself, or Eat, Pray, Love... .or whatever.  At any rate, she didn't expect for me to draw a boundary with her behavior. It is also possible that the night she walked out, it never occurred to her that it would be the last time she would be allowed to do that.

So, we'll see.  I guess, maybe, I can gently prompt her on Feb 5, which will give her exactly thirty days from the time that she admitted she had the papers and was reviewing them.  If no answer at that time, then perhaps, I'll prompt her again on Mar 5, and so on... .

Thank you for your input!

-Speck

[FindingMe2011]

If this is the case... .Then you truly are in the drivers seat... .If she sent them via email, are you sure they have been recorded at the courtroom? Its very possible you will have to file, and get recorded, in order to start the process... .If this does happen... .be prepared for the full BPD attack... .

And her husband who treated her like a queen now agrees that she can go find herself, or Eat, Pray, Love... .or whatever.

Im sorry, but i found this sarcasm, to really hit home... .I laughed for 5 min, tears and all, thank you... .one day hopefully, you will as well... .I vaguely remember seeing this movie (think it was eat, prey, love, or whatever it was, a while ago, with exBPDw) and her coming out saying" why cant u act like so and so from the movie?"... .we had a fantasy, reality debate, for 3 days... .

So, we'll see.  I guess, maybe, I can gently prompt her on Feb 5, which will give her exactly thirty days from the time that she admitted she had the papers and was reviewing them.  If no answer at that time, then perhaps, I'll prompt her again on Mar 5, and so on... .


This says that you will be reactive, and not proactive... .as if allowing BPD to steer this event, is going to work out well... .I would reconsider, if detachment is what u truly desire... .I wish u well PEACE

[Speck]

If this is the case... .Then you truly are in the drivers seat... .If she sent them via email, are you sure they have been recorded at the courtroom? Its very possible you will have to file, and get recorded, in order to start the process... .If this does happen... .be prepared for the full BPD attack... .

I don't think she has yet filed them with the courthouse, because my lawyer has checked the court software program, and tells me that her file is not there. I just don't know why she hasn't yet signed the papers and filed already. I would like to give her an opportunity to finish what she initiated in early December, but, you're right - why do I think she is capable of a linear, logical, adult denouement?

I also don't want to trigger any of her behavior by filing myself after she has already served me, as that may be perceived as a hostile move by her.

The fact remains that the marriage dissolved by her walking away from it four times. There is absolutely no hope for reconciliation on my end of things, although she may not think so, and may just be considering her options right now. She is a schemer, after all.

I'm thinking that I will give her a gentle prompt on Feb 5, and if I hear nothing back from her regarding the matter, then I will just file for divorce myself.

Eat, Prey, Love! Too funny!

Good points, all, FM2011. Thank you.

[FindingMe2011]

I also don't want to trigger any of her behavior by filing myself after she has already served me, as that may be perceived as a hostile move by her.


Hmmm... .Legally, she hasnt served you... .You obviously took her email as hostility... so i need to ask, where are your wishes in this?... .Your signing and returning (b/c BPD figured u would fall in line, like u always have) undoubtedly kick her abandonment issues in high gear... .and i understand having this view, if u wish to remain in the r/s... .detachment will become next to impossible, if u cant learn how to put yourself first... .a hard concept for most here to comprehend, but not impossible

The fact remains that the marriage dissolved by her walking away from it four times. There is absolutely no hope for reconciliation on my end of things, although she may not think so, and may just be considering her options right now.


I respect your decision... .but to truly get to a place of indifference, you will need to see your part in all of this... .it takes 2 to tango

I'm thinking that I will give her a gentle prompt on Feb 5, and if I hear nothing back from her regarding the matter, then I will just file for divorce myself.


and expect the unexpected... .i wish u well, PEACE

[Speck]

You obviously took her email as hostility.

Oh, not at all.  I just took her at her word.  But, now, three weeks later, I'm wondering why she hasn't signed them already.  That's all.

... .so i need to ask, where are your wishes in this?

I wish to be divorced from her, and I hope that she signs and files the divorce papers before she leaves for an out-of-state work assignment this summer.  Mainly because it sucks to remain legally married to someone who cares so little about me.

Your signing and returning (b/c BPD figured u would fall in line, like u always have) undoubtedly kick her abandonment issues in high gear... .and i understand having this view, if u wish to remain in the r/s... .detachment will become next to impossible, if u cant learn how to put yourself first... .a hard concept for most here to comprehend, but not impossible

I do not wish to remain in the relationship.  I am done.

I respect your decision... .but to truly get to a place of indifference, you will need to see your part in all of this... .it takes 2 to tango

Yes, indeed.  I have begun therapy in order to find out why I allowed this woman to devalue me over and over.  There are no victims, here.  I essentially gave her permission to do so.  My plan is to really put myself in the hot seat of self-examination, so that I can heal and learn how to not be such a Beta Male Doormat in the future.  I clearly didn't value myself, nor did my uBPDw.

... .and expect the unexpected.

Yeah, I really don't want to stir her up and add more drama to my grief.  I will give her some more space/time to attend to finalizing her end of the divorce process.

Thank you for your time, FM2011.  You've been very helpful.

[FindingMe2011]

Oh, not at all.  I just took her at her word.  But, now, three weeks later, I'm wondering why she hasn't signed them already.  That's all.

Hmmmm, then possibly, this has not been the first time she has threatened divorce?... .Her actions, speaks volumes... .yet you hang on words, that she is reviewing?... .If keeping BPD in check is your wish... .become proactive, not reactive... .something u probably dont do, consistently enough... .and BPDs survival, banks on it... .part of the toxic enmeshment

I wish to be divorced from her, and I hope that she signs and files the divorce papers before she leaves for an out-of-state work assignment this summer.  Mainly because it sucks to remain legally married to someone who cares so little about me.


Expect her not to sign, b/c she hasnt already... .Ask once, with no emotion, let it go, and start the process... .Your emotions are raw, and your perception of BPD has changed, the illness hasnt... .Unless you plan on marrying again soon, Im not sure of the hurry... .its probably not going to be a quick process... .patience, kindness, and forgiveness for yourself is needed... .Regardless of circumstances, all involved are doing their best... .a hard pill to swallow... .I wish u well, PEACE

[Speck]

Hmmmm, then possibly, this has not been the first time she has threatened divorce?... .

No. Sadly, anytime there was a dust-up, no matter how small or illogical, she had a habit of verbally threatening divorce. This was common. Then, the third time she walked out on me, she went to a lawyer and checked into the process, but never started it. She was probably just seeing what the payoff would be if she went down that road. This time, however, she actually had a lawyer draw up papers, a settlement agreement, etc. and then emailed them to me, which I signed after having my lawyer look them over.

Her actions, speaks volumes... .yet you hang on words, that she is reviewing?... .If keeping BPD in check is your wish... .become proactive, not reactive... .something u probably dont do, consistently enough... .and BPDs survival, banks on it... .part of the toxic enmeshment

Her actions: Oh, I totally agree with you there! No doubt!
Her words: Yeah, she told me that she was reviewing the papers, so I was content with her doing so... .and glad, because I am soo done. But, now I fear that she is dragging this process out unnecessarily... .just another little game for her. At any rate, I'm certainly not hoping that she wants to reconcile, as the answer is, "No, thank you."

Expect her not to sign, b/c she hasnt already... .Ask once, with no emotion, let it go, and start the process.

Yes, this is what I have concluded. A dispassionate prompt from me is most certainly the best course of action.

Unless you plan on marrying again soon

Ha! I don't plan to ever marry again. It will take me 5 years to even wish to date.

Im not sure of the hurry.

She's moving out of state this summer for a work assignment with no plans for returning, so I am just hoping that she responsibly finishes the uncontested divorce that she initiated BEFORE she leaves the state. All she's got to do is sign and file the papers with the circuit court. I've done my part.

... .its probably not going to be a quick process.

I think you're right.

Thank you for all your keen thoughts surrounding this situation.


-Speck

[Speck]

**Update**

So... .Feb 5th has come and gone, and my wife still has not officially filed for divorce with the circuit court. As mentioned above in previous posts, I had been thinking that I would gently prompt her on Feb 5th to go ahead and officiate the divorce process as she is the one who left and had the divorce settlement drawn up.

I've since changed my mind about prompting her, basically reminding her, to do the adult thing and finish the divorce that she so hastily started, as I now think that prompting her would be "more of the same behavior" from me, such as always being the one who plans for events and sees things through, letting her off the hook time and time again. Anyway, because of all the great wisdom shared here on this board, I've decided it best for my sanity to end that dynamic.

I must stop enabling her to drag this process out.

So... .I will wait until March 5th, and then check with the court to see if she has actually filed for divorce or not. If so, great! If not, then I will file.

Has anyone here been where I'm sitting? If so, I'd appreciate your input.

-Speck

[Speck]

**UPDATE #2**

So... .I called my attorney today to inquire if my wife has, indeed, filed the divorce documents yet, and I was told that yes, she has. Her testimony was taken on February 13th, and everything is now in the hands of the judge. So, now I'm waiting for the judge to sign off on it.

Although I am glad that she went ahead and filed (since she initiated the divorce), and didn't leave it up to me, it is still painful to know that the woman whom I have loved with all my heart can so easily walk away from her vows.

Unreconcilable differences, indeed.

Thanks to ALL who contributed to this thread and helped me gain insight into this matter.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Speck,

I'm both relieved and sorry to hear you've had this confirmed.  I imagine that it stirs up a bucketful of emotions for you.  Whilst it is what you logically want and know is the right thing for you, it doesn't make it easy or stop it from being painful.  This process being underway is like things becoming reality and I'm sure that now the feelings of grief and loss will hit you over time - for what you once had and what might have been.  I can remember feeling that my dream died and it was deeply painful, despite it being a positive thing for my life going forward.

How are you doing as you process this?   

Love and light x

[Speck]

Hey, Harley Quinn.

Well, since learning this, my emotions are bittersweet about it.

My head knows that my uBPDw is absolutely incapable of not wounding me repeatedly going forward, so I must allow the divorce to finalize without intervention on my part. She requires the right kind of help that she's blind to even knowing that she needs in order to not hurt/devastate people. I know the divorce is the right thing to transpire between us at this point.

My heart is just sad about it. A week before she walked out, she told me that she loves me "soo much!" and that I was her "One." Inscribed inside our weddings bands are the words, "My One." So, I'm just sitting here wondering what the hell happened... .

... .but then, I realize the nature of this website I discovered in December, and then I remember.

I think the heart switches gears a little slower than the brain does.

Thank you so much for the sentiment of your message and your question.  I'm doing as well as I can because I owe that to myself. I continue to make a point to eat well, sleep well, exercise every day, go to therapy every week, bathe (yes, bathe), learn about healthy boundaries, go to work, reach out to others, and write about my feelings as they come. It all helps to decrease the isolation of this type of heartache.


-Speck

[Skip]

I think the heart switches gears a little slower than the brain does.

Divorce is a monumental loss. In some ways, it's more painful than death. When it happens like yours did, impulsively, the wound is amped up.

Divorce recovery is a process. Be patient with yourself as you do this walk. These are life changing experiences... .its up to you to determine what that change will be.

We'll be with you each step of the walk.

[Speck]

Divorce recovery is a process. Be patient with yourself as you do this walk. These are life changing experiences... .its up to you to determine what that change will be.

My goal is a better, smarter version of the man I am now.

We'll be with you each step of the walk.

I've got a lot to learn. Thank you, Skip. I really appreciate your thoughts.


-Speck

[spero]

Hello there Speck,

I'm sorry that divorce seems to be the best course of action for yourself at this point.
Divorce is a terrible thing which is akin to ripping apart things in the deep recesses of your heart.
Do take goodcare, and get yourself a support network.
Keep posting! And i do hope that though things may seem bleak at the moment, they will eventually pass with time.

Spero.

[Speck]

Hey, Spero!

Thank you, bud. Just licking my wounds over here and trying not to get too mullygrubby about it. Currently, I'm sitting on a razors' edge of feeling betrayed vs feeling relieved. It's a weird dichotomy, to be sure.

But... .these feelings will pass in time, of that, I am certain.

Although it takes years, a forest grows back more beautiful and healthy after a devastating wildfire.


-Speck