She said she’s not trying to get back in my life but still has love for me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It’s been 3 weeks NC with my ex BPD. I unblocked her number and literally 10mins later she texted me. She apologized for calling me out of my name. She told me she suffers from anxiety and depression and THATS IT... she never mentioned anything about BPD but the description of it fits her soo well. Maybe she’s undiagnosed? I’m not sure, our conversation is pretty civil but I noticed she’s back on a dating site and “is looking for a relationship”. I’m wondering what she came back for? She said she’s not trying to get back in my life but she still has love for me

[savreina]

It’s been 3 weeks NC with my ex BPD. I unblocked her number and literally 10mins later she texted me. She apologized for calling me out of my name. She told me she suffers from anxiety and depression and THATS IT... she never mentioned anything about BPD but the description of it fits her soo well. Maybe she’s undiagnosed? I’m not sure, our conversation is pretty civil but I noticed she’s back on a dating site and “is looking for a relationship”. I’m wondering what she came back for? She said she’s not trying to get back in my life but she still has love for me

[JNChell]

Hi savreina!   We’re glad that you came back to give an update. 3 weeks of NC is a milestone for many of us. I’m sure it was difficult. Many of us are also in the same boat as you. Our curiosities break NC. How are you feeling about having contact with her? To answer your question about her being undiagnosed, we’re not able to make that determination here. Only a licensed professional in a lengthy, face to face setting can do that. It does appear that you’ve experienced enough with her to give you cause to do the research on her behaviors and find yourself here. Good on you for doing homework and trying to find a path to resolution. Do you mind if I ask what prompted you to unblock her?

[savreina]

I feel like all the feelings I tried so hard to bury cane rushing back, I still love her & care for her and want her... I know that I shouldn’t, she even said so herself that we aren’t meant for each other & I know that’s nothing but facts. Nc wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be because I’ve been busy with work & going out of town on the weekends. I unblocked her because I had a strange feeling to do so, she was on my mind. She mentioned she had called me last night but of course her number was blocked

[JNChell]

It’s hard to bury feelings, isn’t it? Feelings are as much alive as we are, I believe. It’s hard to bury what is alive. We can only suppress them. It takes focus to suppress things. Kind of like holding the spring down on a mouse trap without setting it. We have to focus on suppressing that spring so we don’t get our finger caught in the trap. It becomes tiresome, and we eventually lose focus, and SNAP! Our finger is caught and pulsing with pain. savreina, I’ve gotten very sound advice on this forum about feelings, how to engage them, sit with them and let them pass before reacting. If you’d like, I would be happy to share what’s been shared with me.

[once removed]

hi savreina,

i had read recently that you were wishing things had ended on a better and more mutual note. it sounds like she feels similarly.

do you think this conversation was that opportunity?

[savreina]

It’s hard to bury feelings, isn’t it? Feelings are as much alive as we are, I believe. It’s hard to bury what is alive. We can only suppress them. It takes focus to suppress things. Kind of like holding the spring down on a mouse trap without setting it. We have to focus on suppressing that spring so we don’t get our finger caught in the trap. It becomes tiresome, and we eventually lose focus, and SNAP! Our finger is caught and pulsing with pain. savreina, I’ve gotten very sound advice on this forum about feelings, how to engage them, sit with them and let them pass before reacting. If you’d like, I would be happy to share what’s been shared with me.

I would love to hear

[savreina]

hi savreina,

i had read recently that you were wishing things had ended on a better and more mutual note. it sounds like she feels similarly.

do you think this conversation was that opportunity?

I believe that this conversation was indeed that opportunity... things went surprisingly well... I got most of the answers that I needed. I’m still not at complete peace with everything but I do feel better knowing that she was willing to have a serious conversation with me

[JNChell]

The advice that has been shared with me, and that I’m currently working on, is to sit with these feelings. To let them come on full force without suppressing them. The key, and hardest part of this, is to let these feelings wash over us. To really feel them, and to not react to them in the heat of the moment. To try not to analyze them. To build the strength to sit through them until they have passed, and a sense of calmness has returned. Being calm and collected allows us to be truly rational and true to our values. It does work. Have I perfected it? No, but I am practicing it several times a day, and it is helping. I’m glad that you were able to gain some piece of mind from your interaction with your ex. That has to feel pretty good. Do you feel like that will help you moving forward?

[Mutt]

Hi savreina,

What do you think about the timing with looking for s r/s on a dating site and she still has feelings for you? Do you feel like she’s putting exit strategies in place if and when a new r/s fails? Isn’t the timing odd?

[savreina]

I feel as tho she wants to make sure she has someone to fall on if her new possible relationship does fail, or she has already had someone else and that failed so she’s looking for a newer replacement... I’m really not sure but it can’t be a coincidence that the same day she made the dating profile she contacts me