I think it was more of an addiction

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi there,
been a few weeks since I last posted here, but it is still a rollercoaster ride and I still have so many questions... .

A few months ago, I got to learn a really nice girl, with whom I always had up and downs but never a relationship. That was because she showed so many symptoms of BPD (read them down below) and I could not really trust her, because of that. After many ups and downs, she decided to leave three days after she told me, how much she misses me and how much she must think about me. Lost my nerves soon after that and insulted her about her behaviour and suspected BPD, after which she painted me black and cut off all contact. I got the feeling that she is now really, really lucky without me and that I made the whole work for her happiness and now get nothing out of it and that the next guy will be the luckiest guy on earth. She seems so normal and happy and seems to make many friends, which seems akward because she hasn't had real friends during our FwB. I question myself, why she seems so lucky now and how she could be so cold to me, it is really devastating for me and the pain just won't stop.
So my question is: Is there anybody out there, who had just sex with her, but was not in a relationship with her and experienced similar behaviors? Do you believe that her behavior was kind of your fault or that it would has been different, if you had been in a romantic relationship with her?

Would be great, if someone could help me... .

Here you go:

1.Told me about her depression and gave me oral after 2 hours of knowing her
2. Wanted to make everything everytime with me, always texted me, sometimes we would chat hours for hours.
3. Quick commitment: Posted a picture of us holding hands after 8 days. Wanted a relationship without having really feelings after 13 days.
4. She constantly talked about herself and her problems. Always complained about backaches or headaches. Really egocentric, if I started talking about me, she would refer it to herself, so she could talk about her.
5. Felt guilttripped, as I was responsible for her problems and her happiness. She told me, how bad she was treated by other boys in her past. Had in her opinion no really friends nor best friends. Told me that I was the only one that could make her smile and that she is really unhappy and needed me. She says, she does not want to be alone and that she can't handle herself and hates herself and that so many people already had left her and that it would be okay, if I would do the same thing. And she told me once that the she is thinking about suicide and has done that before. When she would return after leaving me or me leaving her, she would often say, how sorry she was and that she was not herself and did not mean it and did not really know that this behaviour would hurt me and did not know what she was doing at all. She would be so sad and remorseful that I would take her back.
6. Victimisation and no responsibility: She was never at fault. If her grades were bad, it was my fault or the fault of the other students. If she had psychological problems and felt emotionally drained, it was my or other's guy fault. She decided to have a FWB with me: My fault. She barely admitted any mistake and if she really did one, it only happened because I did something that lead to her critical behaviour. I did not feel that we had solved a conflict, because we talked about the same problems in cycles. She would first say sorry, but would do the same thing again or would tell me I see it wrong and overanalyze or she would only do this, because of my behaviour or would tell me that I acted the same.
7. Her actions did not match her words. She told me that I was the most important in her life and minutes after fighting for me and our FWB, she told me that she would like to make out with other guys. She said, she loved me, but did not ask thinks about my life or my person or my past. Flirted with others and constantly told me about her earlier guys. Did not give compliments- made fun of me at the end with sarcastic comments and called me an asshamster after giving her a compliment.
8. Secrets and traingulation: I would ask her, what would be going on with a guy and she would refuse to talk about them. She would be totally unclear about it and would say, that it would not be my business, even though she started talking about it. Could never be sure, what would be the matter with other guys. She always tried to make me jealous with them and it was exhausting.
9. No introspective: She told me that, if she would analyse herself, she would fall in deep depressions. She said that she does not know, who she is or what she really wants from a relationship. She also said that she feels an eternal void and a stark emptiness. At the time we had contact there would be times, where she would be tired of life and would barely do anything. She would be in such a dark, depressive mode.
10. Facade and acting: She told me that she would act in front of her friends that everything would be fine and that she is normal and happy. She doesn't trust anyone and would not want help from her friends or tell them about her problems.
11. Her past: She was beaten up in childhood by her brother, received bullying in middleschool and was raped a few months ago. Had generally problems to maintain relationships: Often discussions with her friends, which would lead into discarding them. Always had problems with guys in the past, who would not want a relationship with her, no matter how long they had known her. Would be angry, when I tried to talk about her childhood and how much love she received.
12. Paranoia: There were multiple times, where she would think that her friends have talked about her behind her back, would isolate or exclude her and would leave her alone and that nobody would be ever interested in her problems.
13. Depressions: Would often cry, most of the times without having any actual reasons.
14. Her sexual behaviour: Would give me a blowjob after 2 hours of knowing her, would do everything to please me, tried to make me horny secretely in front of my friends- even tried to make a guy horny, she did not even found hot. She loved it to bond me on my bed.
15. Her mood swings: One day, she would be absolutely happy and would really enjoy life, would sing to songs and would smile all the time and would tell me about great her life is (especially the days after she left me)- just to text me a day later from a party that she sits there crying, because of her life and because she misses me so much.
16. I love you, I hate you... .There were days, where she would tell me e.g. on Day 1 that she would not love me, on Day 3 that she would love me, on Day 4 that she has not strong feelings yet and on Day 5 that she would totally love me, only to tell me a few days later that she does not love me. And that would happen really, really often. She hated me, when I told her the truth and exposed her please readty behaviour and told me that I would only hang on the negative sides of her and would not see the good ones, or that I would hang on lies and that she is not as I think. Would tell me that she was not so sure, if she still loved me after I behaved in a way, that made her angry.
17. Black and White thinking: She told me that in the beginning she just concentrated on my positives and did not think of the negatives. In the end in her opinion she just focused on the negatives then. Sometimes she was the cutest and warmest person to me and sometimes she would be so cold that I asked myself, if I really know her. Would cut off people, if they did one thing she didn't like, even if she liked that person in the past whole the time.
18. Control-freak: Would post emotional pictures and quotes after one of our many "break-ups", so I would feel pity for them and lure them back into the relationship. Told me that she gives everything in bed, So I would not forget her. Would try to stalk a girl I hooked up with via Snapchat. Would always text me or would come to parties, where I was after a break-up.
19. Constantly critizising: My style of driving, my clothes, my singing, my dancing, the way I walk etc. Would also blame for things, she does the same. E.G. one time I visited her spontaneous and she said she did not like t, even though she planned to do the same thing three times before.
20. Manipulation: Made it to lure me into paying for nearly everything for her with her cute, childlike voice and acting. Generally sometimes she acted like a child. Would leave and discard me, when I said something wrong, just to come back a few days later. Would go to sleep or would change the topic, if she did not want to talk about it.
21. Lies about everything. She would lie about everything, that some things were not said and done and that I would be wrong, even though me and my friends knew it happened as we thought. She would even try to convince me that she never chat some things, which I clearly had in my Whatsapp Chat! Told me that she would leave me forever and that was the end, but constantly came back.
22. Constantly negative: Always complaining about school, about her class, about her parents, about backaches or headaches, would never be really happy for a long time.  
23.Impulsivity: Would tell me that she would only look after her happiness and would not be interested in how others would feel about her actions. She would not think about the consequences and would make the decisions and actions she liked to at that moment.
24. My feelings: I am addicted to her. She has no characteristics I really appreciate, but I can't stop thinking about her and I am emotionally exhausted and had symptoms of PTSD. Was never a pessimistic person but had dark thoughts after the final discard and nearly developed a deperession. Could not focus on work.
25. Who is she? I was never really sure, who she is nor would I say I really knew her. One day she was that person and the other day a complete other one. Would not act the same to me as to other persons in her life.

[guilttripped9000]

Hi there,
been a few weeks since I last posted here, but it is still a rollercoaster ride and I still have so many questions... .

A few months ago, I got to learn a really nice girl, with whom I always had up and downs but never a relationship. That was because she showed so many symptoms of BPD (read them down below) and I could not really trust her, because of that. After many ups and downs, she decided to leave three days after she told me, how much she misses me and how much she must think about me. Lost my nerves soon after that and insulted her about her behaviour and suspected BPD, after which she painted me black and cut off all contact. I got the feeling that she is now really, really lucky without me and that I made the whole work for her happiness and now get nothing out of it and that the next guy will be the luckiest guy on earth. She seems so normal and happy and seems to make many friends, which seems akward because she hasn't had real friends during our FwB. I question myself, why she seems so lucky now and how she could be so cold to me, it is really devastating for me and the pain just won't stop.
So my question is: Is there anybody out there, who had just sex with her, but was not in a relationship with her and experienced similar behaviors? Do you believe that her behavior was kind of your fault or that it would has been different, if you had been in a romantic relationship with her?

Would be great, if someone could help me... .

Here you go:

1.Told me about her depression and gave me oral after 2 hours of knowing her
2. Wanted to make everything everytime with me, always texted me, sometimes we would chat hours for hours.
3. Quick commitment: Posted a picture of us holding hands after 8 days. Wanted a relationship without having really feelings after 13 days.
4. She constantly talked about herself and her problems. Always complained about backaches or headaches. Really egocentric, if I started talking about me, she would refer it to herself, so she could talk about her.
5. Felt guilttripped, as I was responsible for her problems and her happiness. She told me, how bad she was treated by other boys in her past. Had in her opinion no really friends nor best friends. Told me that I was the only one that could make her smile and that she is really unhappy and needed me. She says, she does not want to be alone and that she can't handle herself and hates herself and that so many people already had left her and that it would be okay, if I would do the same thing. And she told me once that the she is thinking about suicide and has done that before. When she would return after leaving me or me leaving her, she would often say, how sorry she was and that she was not herself and did not mean it and did not really know that this behaviour would hurt me and did not know what she was doing at all. She would be so sad and remorseful that I would take her back.
6. Victimisation and no responsibility: She was never at fault. If her grades were bad, it was my fault or the fault of the other students. If she had psychological problems and felt emotionally drained, it was my or other's guy fault. She decided to have a FWB with me: My fault. She barely admitted any mistake and if she really did one, it only happened because I did something that lead to her critical behaviour. I did not feel that we had solved a conflict, because we talked about the same problems in cycles. She would first say sorry, but would do the same thing again or would tell me I see it wrong and overanalyze or she would only do this, because of my behaviour or would tell me that I acted the same.
7. Her actions did not match her words. She told me that I was the most important in her life and minutes after fighting for me and our FWB, she told me that she would like to make out with other guys. She said, she loved me, but did not ask thinks about my life or my person or my past. Flirted with others and constantly told me about her earlier guys. Did not give compliments- made fun of me at the end with sarcastic comments and called me an asshamster after giving her a compliment.
8. Secrets and traingulation: I would ask her, what would be going on with a guy and she would refuse to talk about them. She would be totally unclear about it and would say, that it would not be my business, even though she started talking about it. Could never be sure, what would be the matter with other guys. She always tried to make me jealous with them and it was exhausting.
9. No introspective: She told me that, if she would analyse herself, she would fall in deep depressions. She said that she does not know, who she is or what she really wants from a relationship. She also said that she feels an eternal void and a stark emptiness. At the time we had contact there would be times, where she would be tired of life and would barely do anything. She would be in such a dark, depressive mode.
10. Facade and acting: She told me that she would act in front of her friends that everything would be fine and that she is normal and happy. She doesn't trust anyone and would not want help from her friends or tell them about her problems.
11. Her past: She was beaten up in childhood by her brother, received bullying in middleschool and was raped a few months ago. Had generally problems to maintain relationships: Often discussions with her friends, which would lead into discarding them. Always had problems with guys in the past, who would not want a relationship with her, no matter how long they had known her. Would be angry, when I tried to talk about her childhood and how much love she received.
12. Paranoia: There were multiple times, where she would think that her friends have talked about her behind her back, would isolate or exclude her and would leave her alone and that nobody would be ever interested in her problems.
13. Depressions: Would often cry, most of the times without having any actual reasons.
14. Her sexual behaviour: Would give me a blowjob after 2 hours of knowing her, would do everything to please me, tried to make me horny secretely in front of my friends- even tried to make a guy horny, she did not even found hot. She loved it to bond me on my bed.
15. Her mood swings: One day, she would be absolutely happy and would really enjoy life, would sing to songs and would smile all the time and would tell me about great her life is (especially the days after she left me)- just to text me a day later from a party that she sits there crying, because of her life and because she misses me so much.
16. I love you, I hate you... .There were days, where she would tell me e.g. on Day 1 that she would not love me, on Day 3 that she would love me, on Day 4 that she has not strong feelings yet and on Day 5 that she would totally love me, only to tell me a few days later that she does not love me. And that would happen really, really often. She hated me, when I told her the truth and exposed her please readty behaviour and told me that I would only hang on the negative sides of her and would not see the good ones, or that I would hang on lies and that she is not as I think. Would tell me that she was not so sure, if she still loved me after I behaved in a way, that made her angry.
17. Black and White thinking: She told me that in the beginning she just concentrated on my positives and did not think of the negatives. In the end in her opinion she just focused on the negatives then. Sometimes she was the cutest and warmest person to me and sometimes she would be so cold that I asked myself, if I really know her. Would cut off people, if they did one thing she didn't like, even if she liked that person in the past whole the time.
18. Control-freak: Would post emotional pictures and quotes after one of our many "break-ups", so I would feel pity for them and lure them back into the relationship. Told me that she gives everything in bed, So I would not forget her. Would try to stalk a girl I hooked up with via Snapchat. Would always text me or would come to parties, where I was after a break-up.
19. Constantly critizising: My style of driving, my clothes, my singing, my dancing, the way I walk etc. Would also blame for things, she does the same. E.G. one time I visited her spontaneous and she said she did not like t, even though she planned to do the same thing three times before.
20. Manipulation: Made it to lure me into paying for nearly everything for her with her cute, childlike voice and acting. Generally sometimes she acted like a child. Would leave and discard me, when I said something wrong, just to come back a few days later. Would go to sleep or would change the topic, if she did not want to talk about it.
21. Lies about everything. She would lie about everything, that some things were not said and done and that I would be wrong, even though me and my friends knew it happened as we thought. She would even try to convince me that she never chat some things, which I clearly had in my Whatsapp Chat! Told me that she would leave me forever and that was the end, but constantly came back.
22. Constantly negative: Always complaining about school, about her class, about her parents, about backaches or headaches, would never be really happy for a long time.  
23.Impulsivity: Would tell me that she would only look after her happiness and would not be interested in how others would feel about her actions. She would not think about the consequences and would make the decisions and actions she liked to at that moment.
24. My feelings: I am addicted to her. She has no characteristics I really appreciate, but I can't stop thinking about her and I am emotionally exhausted and had symptoms of PTSD. Was never a pessimistic person but had dark thoughts after the final discard and nearly developed a deperession. Could not focus on work.
25. Who is she? I was never really sure, who she is nor would I say I really knew her. One day she was that person and the other day a complete other one. Would not act the same to me as to other persons in her life.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi gt9000,

I'm glad you decided to come back to post.  Good decision.  I know you are looking specifically for someone in the same situation regards the exact type of r/s.  What I will say is that the behaviour of a pwBPD will be of the same patterns with any close r/s.  If you minus the physical intimacy, a family member or friend will experience the same behavioural traits.  What I read in your ex partner's behaviour is that it appears she was looking for more than the r/s you were having and at the same time, from your perspective, although you consider it only a FWB thing it is clear you had deep feelings for her.  Putting the 'name' of the r/s aside, you will find that the majority of the members on this board can relate to much of your experience. 

You seem to be feeling guilt around the way that you viewed the r/s.  From what you're asking, it sounds like your feelings changed about the arrangement.  Is that fair to say?  What would you like to do now?  If you thought you could salvage things, would you want to, or are you looking to detach and heal?

Love and light x 

[guilttripped9000]

Hi gt9000,

I'm glad you decided to come back to post.  Good decision.  I know you are looking specifically for someone in the same situation regards the exact type of r/s.  What I will say is that the behaviour of a pwBPD will be of the same patterns with any close r/s.  If you minus the physical intimacy, a family member or friend will experience the same behavioural traits.  What I read in your ex partner's behaviour is that it appears she was looking for more than the r/s you were having and at the same time, from your perspective, although you consider it only a FWB thing it is clear you had deep feelings for her.  Putting the 'name' of the r/s aside, you will find that the majority of the members on this board can relate to much of your experience. 

You seem to be feeling guilt around the way that you viewed the r/s.  From what you're asking, it sounds like your feelings changed about the arrangement.  Is that fair to say?  What would you like to do now?  If you thought you could salvage things, would you want to, or are you looking to detach and heal?

Love and light x 

Thanks for your quick response, it is quite a good one!
But I don't get, why just the close people see her sh*tty behaviour and not her normal friends. I don't get, why they can think she is normal and how they can have a good time with her, while when I was with her it was just about her,her,her and her problems and how unfair life treated her.
And I do think that I developed deep feelings yes, but not in a healthy way- I think it was more kind of an addiction, she made me feel so strong and so wanted and so special and so needed, it was an unbelievable feeling after a relationship with a pwNPD.
And yes, my feelings changed quickly- First I just wanted sex and help her only through a FwB, because she seemed so broken and so badly treaten by other men. And I was pretty sure that I won't develop any feelings, until she made it to make me f*cking jealous with every guy. And I fell for her, because in public (parties, clubs etc.) she seemed to have the time of her life and was not so broken as she was with me, so I asked myself, if I was the problem and wanted to be with this happy illusion of her, even though she told me, she is just acting in public.

And tough question. I think I just want to get closure and move on. I am tired of hearing about her sh*t and than feeling guilty, because of her giving me the guilt for everything. I don't want to help her anymore and get nothing in return, despite hurt and guilt feelings. Of course, I said some horrible things to her, but I was not myself anymore. I am looking forward to a time, where I am free, independent and just myself after nearly 2 years of damaged women in my life. 

This board helps a lot for this and I hope that some more people will answer, would just be nice!

[Jeffree]

Gt9000,

 Is there anybody out there, who had just sex with her, but was not in a relationship with her and experienced similar behaviors? Do you believe that her behavior was kind of your fault or that it would has been different, if you had been in a romantic relationship with her?

I’ll do you one better. How about not only having “benefits” with someone, but marrying that person, raising her kids with her, going into massive amounts of debt because of her, losing jobs and she still moving out and leaving me with her kids, pets, and debts... .and moving on with her life as if I was nothing but a detriment to her well being?

It seems to me that while you were wise to the warning signs of her possible BPD, that in your acquiescence to FWB with her that you expected something in return that a person with BPD isn’t usually capable of. And now that she is doing her BPD thing you are hurt. While it is understandable that you’re hurt, I am sure the irony of the source of your pain is not lost on you.

Many here have stories of seeing their pwBPD seemingly happy with their replacement(s), only to hear otherwise from mutual friends. All I can say is that looks can be deceiving and it’s best you don’t look.

Lastly, you can’t blame yourself for her actions. She’s a grown woman and makes her own decisions. This is related to my suggestion above to not pay what she is up to any mind.

J

[Speck]

Hello, GT9000.

I read your last post and am glad to hear an update from you.

I get the understandable sense that you are still confused about what in the heck happened between you and this lady.

I question myself, why she seems so lucky now and how she could be so cold to me, it is really devastating for me and the pain just won't stop.

First off, I'm sorry that you are still feeling this way. Just know that you're not alone and that you're in good company here. Many of the behaviors of your exgf that you've outlined above, no doubt, sound rather eerily familiar to many members of this forum.

Secondly, seems lucky may be just that.

Thirdly, I understand that the way your exgf treated you must feel very demoralizing. Just know that these feeling will fade in time. Writing helps, so... .good job with that!

Do you believe that her behavior was kind of your fault or that it would have been different, if you had been in a romantic relationship with her?

I really don't think whether your being in a platonic vs FWB vs romantic relationship makes any difference in the incidence of your ex's behavior. In other words, with this particular lady, her behavior was likely to come out sideways, regardless. However, in my opinion, and as Jeffree suggests, the severity and impact on your life would only have been exponentially magnified the more intimate your relationship became.

What do you think?

I see that you find writing about this relationship therapeutic. I agree. We begin healing by acknowledging and working with our feelings. Let us know whatever else you have a mind to. Someone's always listening.


-Speck

[guilttripped9000]

Gt9000,

 Is there anybody out there, who had just sex with her, but was not in a relationship with her and experienced similar behaviors? Do you believe that her behavior was kind of your fault or that it would has been different, if you had been in a romantic relationship with her?

I’ll do you one better. How about not only having “benefits” with someone, but marrying that person, raising her kids with her, going into massive amounts of debt because of her, losing jobs and she still moving out and leaving me with her kids, pets, and debts... .and moving on with her life as if I was nothing but a detriment to her well being?

It seems to me that while you were wise to the warning signs of her possible BPD, that in your acquiescence to FWB with her that you expected something in return that a person with BPD isn’t usually capable of. And now that she is doing her BPD thing you are hurt. While it is understandable that you’re hurt, I am sure the irony of the source of your pain is not lost on you.

Many here have stories of seeing their pwBPD seemingly happy with their replacement(s), only to hear otherwise from mutual friends. All I can say is that looks can be deceiving and it’s best you don’t look.

Lastly, you can’t blame yourself for her actions. She’s a grown woman and makes her own decisions. This is related to my suggestion above to not pay what she is up to any mind.

J

Dear Jeffree,
thanks for your respond and cool name btw
First of all I am sorry to hear that from you. I know that from your perspective my problem would not seem like a really problem to you, because of all the things you have lost.  But well, it still ain't easy, I got the feeling that I lost something from my old self too, especially my easy and optimistic side. You're totally right that she was the source of my pain and hopefully I will see it in the near future. But I think the problem for all of us, is that they played their victim role so perfect that you would never even guess after just a few months, what these women are capable of. You just don't get it, why a "helpless" and a "good" woman like her, could treat you so badly and change her behaviour at 180 degrees- so you think it must be the fault of yourself and that's my main problem atm. it just seems so unbelievable, first I was her knight in shining amour, the only one who could make her smile and the most important person for her, who she wants to spend all her time with and suddenly I am nothing. I understand that she is angry that I told her about my BPD suspicions and that I gave her a list for proofs, but it is not an explanation for me, why she went so cold on me. I mean she lied to me everytime and talked so much bull___ and gave me the fault for everything and I still have sympathy for her. Andshe has not even done anything good for me. I tried to listen to her problems and cheer her up all the time and wanted to help her with my BPD suspicions and always wanted that she is happy, but nothing left by her: Just pure hate in me and my actions. Chaos.

[guilttripped9000]

Hello, GT9000.

I read your last post and am glad to hear an update from you.

I get the understandable sense that you are still confused about what in the heck happened between you and this lady.

First off, I'm sorry that you are still feeling this way. Just know that you're not alone and that you're in good company here. Many of the behaviors of your exgf that you've outlined above, no doubt, sound rather eerily familiar to many members of this forum.

Secondly, seems lucky may be just that.

Thirdly, I understand that the way your exgf treated you must feel very demoralizing. Just know that these feeling will fade in time. Writing helps, so... .good job with that!
 

I really don't think whether your being in a platonic vs FWB vs romantic relationship makes any difference in the incidence of your ex's behavior. In other words, with this particular lady, her behavior was likely to come out sideways, regardless. However, in my opinion, and as Jeffree suggests, the severity and impact on your life would only have been exponentially magnified the more intimate your relationship became.

What do you think?

I see that you find writing about this relationship therapeutic. I agree. We begin healing by acknowledging and working with our feelings. Let us know whatever else you have a mind to. Someone's always listening.


-Speck

Hello Speck,
thanks for your interest in my problems and for your quick and qualified response! Yeah, I am still confused and I know that the confusion is kind of my fault. I was confused after just  a month or so of knowing her and was really emotionally draught, but still I believed her "excuses" and guilt trips and let me make addicted through her sayings that I am so important for her. I should have left earlier and now after more months of confusion and pain, in which I had done everything for her, despite a relationship committement, I sit here alone and don't know, what to do anymore. I think, I might just need much time, to recognize a few things, especially that she is just broken and there was nothing I or anyone could have done for her. It is so hard to let go of this addiction, even though I see her and her faults clearly and recognize it that she has really done nothing just for me, every kind or sweet behaviour was for her own benefit and not for mine. Even the sex was a manipulation tactic as far as I could relate to some other stories here.

It is really, as I wrote before, pure chaos. I mean I tried to so anything for her, lost some huge respect of my friends for helping her and accepting her ___ty behaviour and she has done nothing for me, despite letting me think that I was so special and was so good and important for her. And guess who is grieving and who iis riding in the sunset? It is so stupid, when you read it over and over again. You nearly do everything for that person, help her with every problem and want to make her life so much better. And she is just like: "___ it. It is your fault that I am suffering in life. It is not important for me anymore, what you have done for me and what you have meant for me. In this one moment you showed me hate, so you are generally a bad person, who always wanted to destroy me, so get out of my life." It is so ___ stupid and so unbelievable really and I don't just get it anymore, it makes totally no sense and annoys me every hour of the day. How can a person overlook the good times and good things you have done for her so easily and just focus on the bad things? Really unbearable and unbelievable.

And you will never ever get really closure, because in her mind, you tried to destroy her and mistreated her so badly, even though it is easy to recognize for someone with empathy, why you lost your control and your nerves sometimes. I think that was my "problem"/rescue: Always told her, what I find ___ of her behaviour and what made me curious and that I won't tolerate that anymore (even though I did it). I guess, would I have believed her excuses and let her lay all the guilt on me, well she would still be in my life probably. But would that be better? I don't ___ think so!

[Speck]

GT9000,

With your last post, as painful and gut-wrenching as this break up has been for you, it sounds like you are processing this breakup really well. As you probably know, it takes time and some mental gymnastics to get over someone who exhibits BPD.  I just wanted to commend you for continuing to write about it and for giving the whole painful experience some thought. That's how we heal.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang in there.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

Hi GT9000,

How are you feeling about things since your last post?  We can cycle through a lot of emotions in a short space of time.  Just wondering how you're doing.

Love and light x

[guilttripped9000]

Hi GT9000,

How are you feeling about things since your last post?  We can cycle through a lot of emotions in a short space of time.  Just wondering how you're doing.

Love and light x

Thanks Speck and Harley for your interest, this forum is really like heaven!
I think about it very often, too often maybe, but it gets me closer out of this FOG. Right now I am in such an angry mood. She did so much ___, she lied, she gaslighted, she manipulated, gave me the fault for her behavior, made me jealous, would leave me so often and say to me that this was the end forever this time, because I told the truth, which hurt me so bad that I am having regular nightmares of her. But I would always come back, always give her a second chance, believe her excuses, listen to her again and try to make her feel better. But she just splitted me black, only because I told her that I think she has BPD- that is soo unfair, because I had good reasons for it and she must have known that I wanted to save and help her, because of my behavior earlier. Yes, I insulted her and acted crazy myself, but I was never so angry that I wanted her totally out of my life and saw her all black.

And I hate it that she just can do this. And what annoys me the most and makes me so, so unbelievable angry: She can act sometimes totally normal with her friends, why me? Why did she act so badly to me, why anyway, when she totally knows, what she is doing?
She and her behavior makes me think obsessively of her, which is really exhausting, but I can't stop. I hate her and despite that all the flaws I have made to let her always come back with her behavior, I'm kind of proud that I was strong enough to tell her my opinion and the truth and always refused a relationship with her.

And I know now or I guess that no one will ever get a normal or healthy relationship with her, because why? Why should it be my fault that her reactions did not match her words, why is it my fault that she lies about everything and treats me and my feelings like ___ and when she can't recognize how hurting it is, when someone wants to cut you off his life completeley, despite all the efforts and thoughts you put into her? Why should I be a "control freak", ultra jealous or make her crazy, when I never had these problems earlier in my life? Why does she think it must all be my fault that we had problems, when she is the one, who has constantly problems and I am the one with dozens of good friends, who handle me so well, as I handle them? Why should I be sh***y suddenly? Why should it be my fault that she has no stable image of me and can't stay by her feelings, even if I always was the same person? Why is it in my responsibility, when I'm going crazy and act like her, when projecting and guilttripping is her one and only hobby? How could I have stayed normal and sane? When you have a depressed victim in your life, who feels so bad and does never see any guilt and any way out of her sad existence, while in public and to her friends, she is happy, dances like there is no tomorrow, is generally happy and laughs with them? And really. That makes me angry the most. She can act normal, she can be nice, but not with me. And she must know that she is not normal and ill, if she knows, how her "good" behavior looks like with friends and how that differs from her behavior with me. And she still does not get treatment or acknowledge any mistakes and just cuts people out of her life, when they don't serve her anymore. That is just so sick. I don't believe it, WTH.

[Speck]

Hello again, GT9000:

And I hate it that she just can do this. And what annoys me the most and makes me so, so unbelievable angry: She can act sometimes totally normal with her friends, why me?

Perhaps the relationship that she has with her buddies is so informal that it doesn't trigger her need to push them away. So, they never get to see that side of her.

Why did she act so badly to me, why anyway, when she totally knows, what she is doing?

My guess is that she is emotionally dysregulated and has a hard time reigning in her emotions when she's relating to an intimate partner.

Anyway, that's my take on your questions. I'm sorry you experienced this behavior from her, and I know it hurts badly.

Keep writing. Keep processing.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

I'm in agreement with Speck here, that it is connected to the level of attachment she had to you.  If she is less attached to her friends than an intimate partner (whether formally assigned the title bf/gf or not) then she is less likely to demonstrate the same acting out and push/pull behaviours with them.  Intimacy triggers abandonment fears and can also cause fear of engulfment.  Did you see any similarities in her behaviour towards any family members she related to?

Love and light x

[guilttripped9000]

Hello again, GT9000:

Perhaps the relationship that she has with her buddies is so informal that it doesn't trigger her need to push them away. So, they never get to see that side of her.

My guess is that she is emotionally dysregulated and has a hard time reigning in her emotions when she's relating to an intimate partner.

Anyway, that's my take on your questions. I'm sorry you experienced this behavior from her, and I know it hurts badly.

Keep writing. Keep processing.


-Speck

Hello Speck! I hope you so not take it personally, when I need some time to respond- I just think a Lot about this and want to take some time to let your answers sink in, so my answers are as good as yours! I tend to agree with both of you, also massive thanks to you Harley Quinn btw! I remember that she always had fights or discussions with friends and barely can remember a female friend of hers, who haven't had any conflicts with her, so I guess both of you are right. And yes, she had a sister and when she didn't answer quickly, my BPD-Ex would wrote passive-aggressively. One time when her sister just opened a package for her, she nearly screamed at her and was really aggressive- which I found wird, because she was a quiet BPD Type. So yeah, there were problems too.

Anyway, my healing is doing really fine, it is hard, but I am on the right way, because of this forum ans the nice people in it like you! After and after I come to the conclusion that she can not be that happy- yes I was not the best influence for her illness, but that does not change the fact that she had an illness and there was nothing I could have done really right. And that's kind of relieving.

[Speck]

I hope you so not take it personally, when I need some time to respond.

No worries whatsoever. Write as little or as much as you need to, whenever you need to.

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better, and that you are finding this forum helpful to you.

Relationships with people who exhibit toxic behaviors are beyond frustrating and confusing. Not only that, but, the feelings that we are left with after these relationships end can also be mighty challenging to overcome. Feelings such as shame, guilt, confusion, doubt, worry, etc. all compound the healing process. Education helps. Writing helps. Therapy helps. Time helps.

Take really good care of YOU. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck