Recently broke up again

[Malycious]

My fiancée and I typically had an amazing relationship. It’s been going on 3 years and after 2 is when I popped the question to her to get married. However this year has been harder than ever. We have had a few arguments in the past about regular day things like cleaning, laundry, what’s for dinner, mainly things like this. There has also been a bit of arguing about sex. Generally she has openly told me about her a self esteem issues and body image issues she has had. Some days these issues were minimal and others were a bit more escalated. This would cause some tension but overall we had a regular sex life.

So recently back about two months we had an argument about my past. It was regarding me “cheating” because I had talked to other people about sex. There was no intention of ever having made with anyone other than my fiancée but there was a couple months she wasn’t want sex and I was just looking to feel wanted. This caused us to have a breakup. She threw me out. I was staying with a friend for a week and she started talking to me throughout the week and eventually said she wanted to reconcile. We promised I start communicating better and agreed to go to counselling. So now it’s been about 2 months since his happened.

We went on a cruise during his time and also drove across the country together. Everything seemed to be going much better. However we got lazy and comfortable and ignored the agreement to go to counselling. Then one Friday night before the family Christmas party we had an argument about cleaning. I had asked her why she always insists she will do something and then never does for example changing the cats litter or doing a load of laundry. After the argument we were getting along as usual however but she had some work she wanted to do that afternoon and off she went to get it done. I had plans to go over to a friends to visit so that’s where I went. When I was at my friends I reached out to her to ask how work was going and she informed me she went to her friends. I told her I would be home in a few hour and asked when she would be home and she said probably around the same time as myself. So when it was closer to the time I was leaving my friends house I sent her a text saying I would be leaving soon that I loved her and id excited to see her at home. She said she was going to stay the night and I told her that I was bummed out because I was excited to see her at home but wished her to have a great night cause I know she likes hanging out with her friends which is something I always encourage.

The next day she comes home and we have the family Christmas party. Which is at her mom and stepdad house where we currently reside. Everything was great. This is when I will mention that I had my 3 year old from my previous relationship who came over for the Christmas party. We talked to her family about our wedding and how we decided on no more children she showed great excitement for the wedding. This was Saturday evening of that weekend. So near he end of the party my daughter was asleep in her room and my fiancée and I were snuggling in the couch as usual in the evening. She was getting sleepy so I suggested we head to bed and that’s what we did. We snuggles upon bed and fell asleep.

In the morning we both got up and she told me she had lunch plans to go with her friend which she hadn’t mentioned before now. I reminded her I was to leave for work out of town Monday  and was hoping to spend her day with her but she said she wouldn’t be gone too long. The whole thing didn’t bother me at all I was just wanted to spend the day with her and my daughter. I even said this to her. Anyways she went for lunch and then came back and we hung out for a couple hours before she left to work. She worked late til 1 or 2 am I believe which wasn’t unusual for her. However it was unusual because she usually texted me or called from work. I didn’t think much of it. Then when she came home we watched a bit of tv and went to bed.

Now Monday morning came and I was up early to finish packing my bag and stuff for my trip. I woke her up to kiss her goodbye and hugged her told her I love her. I had been wearing my hat which accidentally hit hit head with the beak so I threw it on the bed. She said I was aggressive out of nowhere which I said I was just quickly tossing it off so I could kiss you properly. After this I got my things together and left and she fell back asleep. I tried to txt her and call her while I was at the airport to tell her I love her before my flight took off. Ahe never answered so I assumed she was busy and got my flight and left for work. When I landed there was a mixup with my car rental which I had to wait for my employer to solve. So I reached out to her and was complaining about the issue over text she was seeming very distant so I asked her what was up and she just said she was glad I was safe.

We barely talked after that until I had the rental issue resolved and was At my hotel. She ended up calling me on her way home from Work and we talked like any other normal day. We talked about plans to visit my friend in the Bahamas in January because she really wanted to go there. She was driving home from work while we were talking and as she got close the house she said she wanted to let me go because she was tired. I told her I loved her but received. I response so I said it again thinking maybe the phone cut out and she said I love you back but very low as if it was forced. Either way I told her Goodnight and said we could talk tomorrow.

So tomorrow came and I texted her my usual I love you. And never got a reply so I was worried and asked her what’s up and she said she wasn’t happy anymore that I didn’t care about her feelings. I asked her if I could call to talk about it and she said she was on the phone with her friend. This is when I reached out to her family because I was worried about what happened back in october. She told me if I needed advice to contact them so I did. Shortly after I spoke to her dad I received a txt saying she hated me. Never to speak to her again. She told me I made her miserable and she wanted nothing to do with me.

I freaked out and tried to call her mom because I’m very close with her. Her mom just told me to give her space that she was probably mad and would calm down. So I tried this. I ended up talking to my friend because I was upset and he went behind my back and confronted her and called her childish and a bad mom role model and other stuff. This made her even more angry at me. She told him I’m aggressive and get angry and it scares her. I was so sad when I heard this I cried. Now I’m back home. Things are no better. I’m looking for my own place. She says she is fine but we talk a bit and she just says it’s too late that she can’t do it anymore. She said since I don’t care she can’t care anymore. I’m lost and confused. I just want to help her I love her so much. My daughter loves her and we were building a family together. I need help so that’s why I’m here. It’s going on a week and this has been hard for me. It’s an emotional roller coaster. That’s when I found this site and am hoping it will help me cope with this. Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Malycious,

*Hi* Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has deteriorated. Breakups are hard. I would suggest just giving her a little space. She may need to calm down or she may just feel hurt by whatever it was that hurt her. Is she being specific about what happened?

I would also suggest that you ask your friend to not get involved so as not to create a Karpman Drama Triangle that sets you up as the victim, your friend as the rescuer, and your fiancee as the persecutor.

[Malycious]

I have anxiety caused by work stress with lots of intense deadlines and pressure. This tends to bleed over into my daily life with her and my family. So what happens is I try to vent and I get aggressive with my words and she takes it as if my anger is directed at her. She was previously in an extremely verbal abusive relationship and used to get scared of him. She ends up associating my anger with his but its very different its venting stress to my partner but to her I am angry at her and that scares her because sometimes I use profanity. I started counseling myself today as a way to cope with my anxiety and to hopefully get it under control so I can avoid being angry because of it. Todays session helped significantly.

I was wondering if anyone had an potential ways I could perhaps persuade her to join my session just as an observer. Would this be a good idea or bad idea. I was going to say it in the sense that I want her to be there to know that I am being honest and to be able to correct me if I say something that isnt accurate. Its rather an indirect way of getting her into the counselling and hoping she opens up on her own. Either way If I got her to go I would feel that it could be beneficial.

Thanks

[Tattered Heart]

I understand the bleed over from work stress and how your gf takes things. My H does not understand the difference between my emotions directed elsewhere and my emotions directed at him. He just hears me upset so he thinks it has to do with something he did wrong. I have found that when I need to go into one of these vent sessions, I have to preface it with "I'm feeling upset right now, but I want you to know you've done nothing wrong. I'm upset about work. Can I share with you what I'm feeling? You don't need to fix it, but just be someone to listen."

As for counseling, I think if she feels like she is being tricked or manipulated into counseling, it will backfire. What if you talked it over with your T about whether it would be a good idea or not? Explain to him your reasons for wanting her in the sessions with you.

[Malycious]

That makes a lot of senseZ. This happened last Tuesday like the whole break up. She has been very distant but we live with her family as I said. Next weekend I’m moving into my own place. I had my daughter tonight and she was begging to talk to her Auntie who was my fiancée best friend so I said to her that my daughter was taking about her auntie and wants to FaceTime you. Maybe we can FaceTime since I’m moving next week and there won’t be as many opportunities to talk to her. Then auntie went and told my fiancée who flipped at me for bugging her friends then said it wasn’t okay for me to say that to her auntie. Then she commented this crap is the reason we aren’t together. To me I was just trying to comfort my daughter because she misses my fiancées friend who she introduced to my daughter and called her auntie and now my daughter is attached to her. Anyways was I wrong to so what I did and say what I said? Or is my fiancée(ex) acting like a typical BPD because she is feeling guilty to have put her friend and my daughter in this problem?  Also if someone has whatsapp I’d really like to have them on there as I need advice a lot. I hate saying the wrong thing because my anxiety is taking control.

[Meili]

Where are things at today Malycious?

[Malycious]

Things haven’t gotten any better. Last week her and I had a really heartfelt talk where she said it she needed to figure stuff out in her life and that me and her spending time apart was for the best. So this weekend that Passed was my moving day. I have my own place across town now. She barely has spoken to me since this has happened. The only contact has been regarding her seeing my daughter. Today she went to my ex wife’s workplace and asked her to be able to pick my daughter up from daycare and my ex told her she wouldn’t think I would like that. This had her text me saying she wanted to talk. She asked me if she was going to be able to see my daughter anymore and I said I wasn’t sure right now. I told her that I haven’t made a decision but there is consequences that come with our relationship ending. She had poor cell service and i was having trouble hearing her so she said she would call back later and never did. Later on when my ex wife picked up my daughter from my place she mentioned that my BPD ex had said she thinks I am mad because she is having a “social life”. I am not bothered by that but by the fact she is ignoring what happened with us. However she doesn’t really communicate to me so I don’t know where we stand. I love her so much and it’s tough but I need to make sure my daughter isn’t exposed to her negative behaviour. Does anyone have some advice of how I may be able to get her to open up? I also have been on anti-anxiety meds for almost 2 weeks now. I am doing all steps to better myself. I need to be strong for my daughter and have my head in the right place. Thanks

[Meili]

Getting someone to be open and communicative when they are already dysregulated or emotionally aroused can be difficult. It takes a lot of Active Listening and not Invalidating them.

We must try to hear what they are telling us and accept that, from their perspective, it is how they are feeling. Often times, we allow words to get in the way of the meanings that are conveyed and we react to those words. We need to stop reacting and start to respond in a constructive manner. Before we can make things better, we must stop making them worse.

[Malycious]

So an update. Over the last couple days things have been different. She has been trying to reach me to discuss Christmas plans. She wanted to come see my daughter for Christmas day and I said that I was fine with that because its a special day. She demands that she will only see her if she can consistently get to see her on a regular basis. I told here I wasnt sure about that because its not easy for my daughter to understand what is going on and she gets upset when she cant see her. She then got angry and said she wouldn't see her anymore and said we need to figure out the phone plan and insurance. Currently we share a phone plan where she is the account holder and then we share an insurance policy together. I have honestly avoided that conversation because she asked me if I am still participating in their family Secret Santa demanding that I provide a response because she needs to know right away. I had previously agreed to take part in the Secret Santa back in early November and said to her that I was under the impression when we broke up and she told me to leave her family and friends alone that I assumed I was no longer invited. She responded with "its a simple gift exchange'. I told her I would be happy to come if SHE was still inviting me to take part. I then asked her when it was and she said she doesn't even know that she needs to confirm with her family. I haven't responded to that yet. I was talking to my friend about it and he said that it could be her way of letting me in without admitting that is what she wants.


I know very much she wants to be part of my daughters life but I'm worried because she has such dramatic mood changes and emotions that its hard to know what face of her BPD I will encounter. She also says she wants nothing to do with me  but just my daughter. Everyone I know even my doctor who I am seeing for anxiety said he believes what I am doing is best. I am wondering what really is best because I do not want to lose her over something like this. I would really like to be able to work things out. I myself am ready and willing to accept whatever pain and suffering is required to help her but until she wants my help I do not know what I can do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. If someone is available to add to whatsapp or something with IM that would be fantastic. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to who understands.

[Meili]

Off board discussions are greatly discouraged because it limits the number of opinions.

It has been a few days, where are things at now?

[Malycious]

She currently is at a status where she is wanting to have a friendship. She said she is figuring out herself. I have extended the options for her to see myself and my daughter and said that I would be happy to have a friendship with her. I asked her how she feels about us having a friendship and she has said she doesn't know. I know she has a lot of fear and she is also younger than I am so she is going through a lot. She is actually 21 and I am 30 which is something I had not previously mentioned. My ex has been spending a lot of time with one of her friends. This friend has all unstable relationships with everyone she comes into contact to. She has destroyed her relationship with all of her best friends and has been sleeping around with many guys she also had her boyfriend cheat on her while away in University. I know she has a lot of influence on my ex as she supports any of her irrational behaviors. My ex has started drinking almost daily with this friend of hers.

My exes mother came to visit myself and my daughter as she had some gifts from Christmas she wanted to give to her. After she left she texted me about my ex just saying she wasn't sure what was going on in her daughters head. She said she has been working extra hours and avoiding being home.

I am hoping that she hasn't fully pushed me away but with her wanting a friendship it could mean more but obviously I have to tread lightly as someone with BPD can be unpredictable. I am doing my best to educate myself to understand her better and to be able to properly communicate in a way she can understand. However I do not want to enable her behavior. Her mother says she is going through a lot recently and she needs to fall to rock bottom before she will get the help she needs.

[Meili]

I agree that enabling her is a bad idea. A lot of us fall into that trap in hopes of helping and showing just how much we love them. It doesn't work and can make things worse because we are not viewed with respect. We have to allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions while still showing life and support.

I know this is hard, but it sounds like you are on the right path.

[Malycious]

Yes I am doing my best to not enable her in any way. I miss her a lot and today she came to visit my daughter and I. She also wants to come back next week and stay for dinner. I asked her how she has been and she said she is surviving. I didn’t pry to much I just let her know I’m available to talk. She told me she would let me know. I mentioned how I missed spending time together and she said she missed it too.

She also began to complain about her friend that I spoke of. She was saying that the friend got drunk and slept with a guy that had bullied my ex all through school while growing up. She had told her friend this and the next day her friend said she hadn’t remembered her saying that. Apparently her friends ex boyfriend totally “ghosted” her and she has been having a breakdown. I told her I know how much my ex cares her friend but to make sure she takes care of herself too.

Today was very progressive. We had hugged before she left and she hugged me longer than I hugged her. I know she misses my daughter and I and I’m giving her whatever space she needs to figure herself out. I feel like the commitment of a wedding and becoming officially a stepmom to my daughter may have become overwhelming and added to the crisis. I’m hoping things work out well but in the end if they don’t at least we can try to remain friends.

[Meili]

It does sound like productive time. That's good to hear.

You mentioned working on your communication skills, have you looked at the lessons to the right  ?

[Malycious]

I have been using all available resources to help understand BPD to be able to better manage my relationship with her. I know it’s not an easy battle but it’s one worth it and I know it will come with ups and down.

[Malycious]

So recently things have reached an extreme. I myself had started excessively drinking as a way to cope with this breakup. I have been devastated. This was a terrible idea as it led to drunken late night texting.

Her and I used to share insurance and used to share a phone plan. Once I talked to her about her taking her own insurance she begged me to wait a day so I did. Then when the insurance company called her to set it up in her name she flipped on me like I did something wrong. She told me I needed to take my phone plan over or give her back my phone.

I did this. Then she cut all communication with me and changed her phone number. I’m devastated and lost. I miss my relationship. I don’t understand how I can love her so much still after she is so mean to me.

She came to drop off some stuff st my place while I was out since she refused to see me. I wrote her a final goodbye letter. I haven’t heard from her since.  I’m just sad about this all now. Just shy of 3 months ago I was ready to marry her. She hates me and I don’t understand why.