Harrassment and not allowed to see my daughter

[nonbpdis-m]

Hi,

I am completely defeated.  She is even worse as an ex than when we were together.  Yet again I've been told I cannot see my daughter.  My ex gf is using her as a weapon presumably to make me feel as bad as she felt when i chose (had to) leave the home.  I have been harassed via text for the whole 13 months we have been split up, as she cannot let go of the relationship even after all this time.  I usually receive nigh on 100 texts a day which accelerates when shes had a drink in the evening (every evening).  The only reason I haven't told the police about the non stop messaging is I thought she'd stop contact if i di so.  Now she has stopped contact I guess I can now tell the police as she is still messaging me non stop even as I write. Is this harassment?  I've had enough she simply will not allow me to be happy or have a calm normal life.  Can anyone relate here as I feel like I'm about to have a completer breakdown mentally and physically.

[ForeverDad]

Who's not allowing you to see your daughter - your ex or the court?  I'm sure your answer is your ex, right?  Well, the fact is that many of our ex-spouses are controlling and entitled as parents.  They feel/felt that they were in charge, after all, they're Mother.  The fact is that if there are no court orders, something in writing detailing the assignment of custody or a parenting schedule, then it is a virtual free-for-all.  Both parents have undefined rights as parents, and equal rights if they were married.  Too often the mothers demand control and there's little to stop them.  If police are called they're likely to default to asking the father to step back and let mother have the kids... .until the father gets court to set boundaries and schedules in place.

In my separation and divorce that was my situation.  When I was between orders, the prior separation ones had been dismissed and I was waiting for the divorce case to be heard, my then-stbEx refused any father-child contact, not even by phone.  (He was a preschooler then and so I didn't even have school as a neutral ground.)  I sought out the local police for help, could they accompany me so I could see my child?  They declined, telling me to get a court order in hand and then they'd help.  Yet when I asked what would happen if I went alone and she called them, they they said they'd rush to her rescue.  Since I didn't want to be arrested on her posturing as a victim or target, I waited on court.  That was 3 months of no contact.  The magistrate simply confirmed she had blocked me for 3 months, said "I'll fix that" and issued a new order similar to the last granting me alternate weekends and a 3 hour evening in between.  No consequences for her.  No make-up time for me.

So if you don't have any orders concerning a parenting schedule then you have to be careful not to get in trouble as a stalker or harasser.  Yes, silly warning but necessary.  Some laws, such as The Violence Against Women Act in the USA, cast women as the default victims and targets.  Meanwhile, what are you doing to get court action?  After all, though she sees herself as The Authority, the fact is that court is The Real Authority.  A slight added bonus is that court is usually "less unfair" than the ex.

[livednlearned]

I'm about to have a completer breakdown mentally and physically.

What she is doing is drastic, and I'm so sorry you're being bombarded like this. It takes a toll.

Your solution might need to be drastic, too, at least in the short term until you get some recovery from the harassment under your belt. Setting aside that she's withholding contact with your child, do you feel strong enough to have a separate phone, one number for her and another for everyone else? It might be additional expense, but it's your piece of mind, which is priceless.

Sometimes when we feel beaten down, it requires too much strength to not look at what the texts say. So you have to create a new habit, maybe putting a barrier between you and the phone/harassment + abuse...

I forwarded harassing emails from my ex to a friend who read them for me. She only told me things I needed to respond to. It let my nervous system recover and made it so that I wasn't concerned about ignoring the messages completely, just in case something did require immediate attention, like child care. Is that something you could do in your situation?

After a stretch of no direct messages, I started to recover. Then I made it through a period of detachment and the messages no longer bothered me the same way. I could scan them without feeling anything personally.

Changing habits is hard. What are some things you can do that you have control over?

Her illness means she has low to zero impulse control and with all the other stuff -- emotional dysregulation, fear (and real) abandonment, plus splitting, etc., means that she cannot easily shift her attention elsewhere. She isn't likely to change, but you can  

That's the silver lining.

[nonbpdis-m]

Thanks for the replies.  I am completely over our relationship but 13 months on she is not and yes it is her stopping me seeing my daughter.  The behaviour's have not changed in my ex in that she is the same, possibly worse now, than when we were actually together (stalking, checking up, asking people where I am etc.).  It's almost as if I cannot be out of her line of vision or she goes into a panic.  The stopping me seeing my daughter behaviour i think is a ruse to get me to go back as she says things like 'look what you can have here you can see her everyday', it makes me feel ill that someone can use a child to manipulate the situation.  If it does go to court then I will have to wait all the time until then before I can see my daughter properly which could be half a year!

[Panda39]

If it does go to court then I will have to wait all the time until then before I can see my daughter properly which could be half a year!

Hi nonBPDis-m,

Do you have a court ordered custody agreement at all, or was there some type of verbal agreement between you and your ex?  Was an attorney the person who told you about this taking 6 months?  If so have you gotten started?  I know how hard this is for you and how much you miss your daughter, but hang in there you can do this.   How old is your daughter?

I would try and focus on what I can do vs what I can't do.  Yes, 6 months feels like forever!  But get the process started if you haven't already (the sooner you get the ball rolling the sooner you see your daughter), start documenting your ex's behaviors.  I agree with Livednlearned move your communication with your ex to email, both for the reasons LNL mentioned and because it is an excellent way to document her behaviors and when she refuses you access to your daughter.

Keep email records that demonstrate your desire to see your daughter and her mom refusing access.

... .It's almost as if I cannot be out of her line of vision or she goes into a panic.  The stopping me seeing my daughter behaviour i think is a ruse to get me to go back as she says things like 'look what you can have here you can see her everyday', it makes me feel ill that someone can use a child to manipulate the situation.

At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment... .her panic and using your daughter as a weapon make sense in this context, it doesn't make any of it right, but she is desperately trying to hold on to you.  You have clearly recognized these behaviors and the others you've mentioned are unhealthy and have moved on... .I think you've made a healthy choice here    Her behavior here is very BPD.

I watched my significant other (SO) go through much the same thing with his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and I know I'm not alone is this, many here have experienced something similar.

Hang in there, 
Panda39

[nonbpdis-m]

I feel a bit better after reading these messages so thank you.  I read online from others that it an sometimes takes months.  My daughter is 3 so it is not like she will forget who i am luckily.  I just don't know how you guys who have been through it got through the 'waiting' part which I am going through now.  You cannot fight or speak up you have to just wait.  I have emailed the solicitors and hopefully will start the ball rolling.  I'm really depressed about all this but part of me is thinking this was her plan all along (leave me and I will destroy you).

[Panda39]

You cannot fight or speak up you have to just wait. 

You are fighting for your daughter by starting the court process, you are fighting for her by not escalating the drama and making things worse, you are fighting for your daughter by coming here and learning about BPD, and you are fighting for her by talking with others here who have been through it and can share their advice and experience.  nonBPDis you are already fighting.

I'm really depressed about all this... .

I'm sorry you are feeling depressed do you have a therapist or would you consider getting one?  You need to take care of you so you can be your best for your daughter.  Try and do some things you enjoy take a break from this stuff every so often. 

... .but part of me is thinking this was her plan all along (leave me and I will destroy you).

I see it as more of a way to keep you engaging with her... .negative attention is still attention. 

Again this goes back to why email only communication is good.  It gives you time to decide if you need to respond, it allows you to not respond when there is nothing to respond to, it gives you time to keep that response minimal if a response is needed, and it allows you to document her behaviors.  Only respond if something about your daughter and keep your response narrowly focused on your daughter.  Your ex will throw all kinds of other stuff in her emails that you can ignore... .like my SO always got stuff about what a bad dad he was for example, ignore that kind of stuff. Those kinds of things are designed to trigger you into engaging with her.  Try not to take the bait.

Your goal is to document a pattern of behavior and how it effects the best interest of your daughter.  What is in the best interest of your daughter is what the court will be most interested in.

Hang in there you aren't alone. 

Panda39

[wicked_stepmom]

Get ready for a long, expensive fight.  That's what our lawyer told us, and then I cried for about a day at how unfair it all is.  Still, the lawyer was right.

I am a stepmom to a BP adolescent, and her mother is likely an undiagnosed BP.  I had a strong relationship with my stepdaughter from the age of 6 until abruptly in 2016 when she just stopped responding to my texts.  Turns out her therapist was telling her that she should sever ties with me if she didn't like me.  This therapist has now been found in violation of ethics, and her punishment is pending.  She no longer sees my stepdaughter, but the damage was done.  Her mom refused to remove her from the situation and in fact said this therapist was working wonders.  She knew its was destroying the relationship my stepdaughter had with me and my husband.

We knew the ex was telling her things about us that were bad, because she always enjoyed her summers with us.  Then she would go home and call to tell us what all we did wrong.  None of it came up while she was with us.  Only once she got back to her mom.  It all came to a head last summer when we had a scheduled summer visit.  Her mom filed what amounted to an emergency restraining order claiming we were abusive and negligent.  She was forced to withdraw her motion, but the damage was done there too.  My stepdaughter couldn't visit.  My husband was relegated to supervised visits only with his daughter, and we were furious.  But, the therapists explained that based on what they had seen the sessions were to protect him from accusations and not to punish him, because he did nothing wrong.  

Since then it has been nearly a year.  The therapists are just in the past couple of weeks starting to raise questions about how our stepdaughter has come to believe the things she does, and they had a session with my husband and his ex.  They tried to organize a unified front where both parents agreed on how to discuss past stories and incidents with my stepdaughter.  The ex was very resistant.  My husband sent her an email asking for her to agree on how to address the issue of my stepdaughter's recent hospital evaluation for suicidal behavior.  Ex-wife blames my husband, and now my stepdaughter resents him, thinking it is his fault.  He wrote to the ex letting her know it would be discussed in therapy and asking if they could work out a narrative together.  She has refused to respond.  The therapists have prompted her to respond, and she refuses.  The truth is thus, VERY slowly showing itself.

In the mean time, the ex is dragging us to court wanting us to pay her legal fees and medical fees that are years old (and that we already paid an agreed upon percentage for).  I am just praying that she shows enough of her behavior that we can finally prove her unreasonable behavior in court.  If so, we will finally be protected from it.

The moral of the story?  Start now collecting evidence, working with a therapist who is NEUTRAL and talks to both you and mom equally.  And get ready for a fight.  Because it is really hard.

Best of luck.

[nonbpdis-m]

So update in 2019. I have bought a house a clear statement of intent to detach from my ex.  She is STILL trying to convince me that i'm an abandoner of my little girl and i've reduced the bpd ex to suicide apparently.  As soon as the slightest thing goes wrong she says 'you cant see your daughter' and she has done it again.  Barely seen my daughter for 3 weeks. Over 2 years after the break up still dealing with this. I want her out of my life and to just see my daughter not her!

[worriedStepmom]

Were you able to get a court order outlining your rights as a parent, and when you can see your daughter?