Hi there Salvage,
I'm really sorry for how you are feeling right now. First off, i'm going to say that you don't have to be sorry about expressing how you feel. Feelings are very powerful indicators which help us navigate through our own individual recovery processes.
So the bottom truth is ... .the person I hate is myself. I hate myself for missing her, for thinking of her, for allowing myself to ever believe she loved me, and for how much and how far I've fallen as a result.
Salvage... .wow, i can sense your frustration, your disappointment with yourself and how you've seemingly allowed yourself to reach this place. Salvage, i don't think any of us start relationships wanting it to fail. We all had our hopes, aspirations and motivations for why we start a relationship. You simply didn't know better, as many of us in this BB would have only discovered what BPD and its symptoms after the relationship hit rock bottom.
Hating yourself, is a form of inward anger turned into toward ourselves, its sounds strange but we can channel our negativity and engage in self punishment. Salvage, how long have you been feeling this way about yourself? While the relationship has seen it's demise and i don't know the context, it seems like you're trying to shift the blame entirely or bear majority of why the relationship has failed. Salvage, i'll say this with much kindness, don't beat yourself up, don't put yourself down. You have more value than that, unfortunately, sometimes we may not know our own value and worth. I just want to tell you that you're valued and you're unique.
I've been in therapy and a support group for well over a year. I've tried anti depressants with no luck. I've been on these boards, I've done NC and here I am - nowhere. Worse than when she first discarded me actually.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel that you're worse off than when you first began therapy. it must be frustrating to be unable to get well, even though you are trying to fix yourself. Again, have more self-compassion. It's okay. Sometimes we want recovery, but we're not yet ready to take the leap, and if we do take the leap, we miss the jump and don't make it across the cliff. As frustrating as it may be, hold fast to hope and be courageous, i hope it will pass for you eventually.
I've lost the few friends I had locally and I continue to isolate and my anxiety increases.
By the end of the day I am so exhausted from getting through I come home - cry, sometimes throw up and take to my bed.
I would say, isolation isn't helpful, but sometimes when we're in the dumps, we don't have capacity to reach out, would you have some close friends whom you can trust who'd join you in the pit while you're there? I am particularly concerned about your anxiety spectrum, as isolation may potentially lead toward a downward spiral of rumination and depression... .
You are mentally exhausted and your body is experiencing psychosomatic symptoms perhaps relating to your anxiety... .Sounds like to me that you're really really "empty" when you posted this. Have you been eating well lately Salvage? I do hope that you're not neglecting your physical health at this point in time.
and yet I still miss and long for her and I hate every part of me for feeling that way.
Again, its okay to miss her Salvage, i miss my uBPDexGF, i still do, but i think more importantly, its what you do with those feelings, rather than suppress or try to deny how you feel, its okay... it really is to feel the way you do. But, don't have to hate yourself. This is where i suppose talking with your T would help. Have you ever raised the issue that you don't feel good about yourself and sometimes even hate yourself as you've mentioned in this post?
I don't think I'll ever get through this and I wonder why I have been cursed and why I stay if all there is is this misery.
Salvage, as long as you have a beating heart in you, you'll pull through... i'm not being delusional or unrealistic, i truly believe that whlie it may take alot of time and help... .i have good reason to believe you'll move beyond this. I don't think you're cursed, it's just who you are and your make up, some circumstances may have shaped you to be what you are now, but they don't define your future. I know everything seems dark and looming now, and it seems hopeless... .This is indeed all you can see now... but Salvage, take heart. You're not alone, and you'll find many in this BB who can relate with you and would cheer you on...
I leave you with this interesting story... .and there are few version of this circulating online.
In a mother’s womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?”
The second baby replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What would that life be?”
“I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths.”
The doubting baby laughed. “This is absurd! Walking is impossible. And eat with our mouths? Ridiculous. The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after delivery is to be excluded. The umbilical cord is too short.”
The second baby held his ground. “I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here.”
The first baby replied, “No one has ever come back from there. Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery it is nothing but darkness and anxiety and it takes us nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the twin, “but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us.”
“Mother?” The first baby guffawed. “You believe in mother? Where is she now?”
The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. “She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her there would not be this world.”
“Ha. I don’t see her, so it’s only logical that she doesn’t exist.”
To which the other replied, “Sometimes when you’re in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after delivery and we are here to prepare ourselves for that reality when it comes….”
Here is the source which i've copied from
https://thebacajourney.com/two-babies-talking-in-the-womb/Sometimes the paradox new beginnings flow out of the death of the things of past, and that journey of a thousand miles... begins with a single step.
Spero.
