Hi engineer, it's good to hear from you.
Just wanted to say you have made a really tremendous effort in terms of improving your communication and validation skills. Impressive work!
It's been about 2.5 months since you first joined us on here I think. How would you rate your overall situation now compared to then? What are the biggest changes you've seen and what do you hope can change next?
All the best,
~ROE
Thank you
I have learned a lot here!
There is one thing that has changed that I think has been pivotal... .My oversensitivity and thin-skinned-ness in the face of her "flamethrowerings" (I like that) is uncharacteristic. I have, historically, been very, very thick-skinned. Having to deal with her sent me to a counselor, and ultimately to a doctor. I found out last year that my blood pressure was through the roof and was prescribed a beta blocker. That changed my responses to my wife. I was no longer in constant cowering-in-the-corner mode, but I still wasn't handing her well. This past Monday I went back to the doctor and found out I very likely have a pituitary tumor that is causing out of control cortisol (the stress hormone) production. She put me on a different medication to control things a bit better. I feel, to some extent, like I am me again. I am finding it *much* easier to remain calm in the face of her attacks. Before, it was like my brain just switched off as soon as she went on the offensive.
So, NOW, I can really apply all the things I have learned here. My brain remains engaged when I am talking to her, and I can actually remember what to do.
Anyway, so the plan for the moment is to be consistently supportive of her feelings and way of emotional expression. She needs to feel "safe" with me. I have known for a long time that she needed this, but I seemed to be unable to do it when I was already at the cortisol redline. She has mentioned many times that her emotions are more intense because she did not feel like she could share them with me. I trust her to know herself enough to be telling the truth here.
Speaking of which... .I've noticed some interesting things when she tells me about past relationships. She never in her life had a relationship as close as ours (she had never lived with a man before), so her BPD was not as likely to be triggered in the past, but she has told me stories that suggest she displayed BPD traits when she was young. I read a bit about it, and it seems BPD traits come out at their strongest during adolescence and perimenopause. Well, just my luck, she is in the latter of these now. She often notes that her emotions are being fueled hormonally, and blames her perimeopausal state for heightened emotional sensitivity. I think this is probably very true. I think she definitely has BPD traits, but I think they are being magnified at the moment.
Heh, so I am not depending on her to move to the next stage of menopause to solve these problems, but if I get a handle on them now it means that things will be in really good shape once she moves past her current stage.
