Feel like writing to your ex? Say it to us instead.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi All,

We often think about what we might say to our ex if we had the opportunity to vent all of our hurt and anger.  There are many posts on this board about whether or not to send something - either a message, an email or a letter.  Recently tiki commented on how something that was written here rather than to a member's ex would make a good thread topic and I wondered if it might be an idea to start a thread which is a log of what we would say given the chance, in the safety of knowing that it couldn't open up old wounds by actually sending in real life.  

I invite you, if this has crossed your mind, to write your messages here as if to your ex partner and release them if it is helpful.  It could make for an interesting read in time if we have a thought pool on one thread.  As a newcomer I feel it would have helped me to read something like this.  Any thoughts?

Love and light x

[JustNeedToTalk]

This was what I wrote on here rather than to him, and you guys saved me... .THANK YOU... .

You know what.  I think I am finally starting to hate you, its happening I can feel it inside.  I told my therapist I didn’t have it in me to hate but I actually think I do.  And not as a defence mechanism, because I do one day want to feel indifferent with you.  It’s not because of what you did to me, your cheating, lying, and devaluing of me.  It’s because of the physical affect you have had on me.  My panic attacks are now stopping me functioning.  I f***ing hate you for that.

So, as much as my heart still yearns for you - I WILL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK.  NEVER.  I WILL ALWAYS REGRET MEETING YOU.  People say never say never but I have never meant anything more in my life.  I live my days in fear that I am dying.  You knew I suffered panics and you still said all those abusive things to me, you knew I was insecure, and you still chose to f*** the one woman I was insecure about behind my back and then swear on your son’s life that you hadn’t when I confronted you.  Who swears on a child’s life, a child that you self-profess to be a bad father to.  A son that you say you want to be more active in his life, and it kills you inside that you haven’t been.  You don’t know how to be a good father, you don’t know how to be a good friend, and you don’t know how to be a good son or brother and certainly don’t know how to be a good romantic partner.

Yeah you are funny, charismatic, charming, a great lover…. But you’re a c*** plain and simple.  And you will always be a c***.  You will never get help, your suicide threats are your get out of jail free cards for bad behaviour.  Your pathetic cries for pity.

And you know what, I know you can’t help it.  I know that you wish you weren’t like this, but you are. I actually do pity you.  You have an incurable personality disorder that destroys the ones you love the most.  You will never get help, not proper help because you have an innate inability to be honest.  As soon as your depression or BPD episodes lift you go back you your lies.

[lighthouse9]

Here's a paradoxical thing I'd like to say sometimes:

Thank you for this crisis. I had forgotten who I am. I had forgotten how strong I am. I never wanted to lose you and wish this didn't happen. But, I am finding myself again, slowly, day by day. Today, so far, right now, is an ok day. Sometimes this is unbearable and my grief is staggering. But, you have taught me what a gift it is to have my emotions and to be able to feel them without fear. You have backhandedly reminded me that my strength lies in my willingness to be vulnerable.

In ways, you isolated me, but in this crisis, I've been reminded how good I am at asking for help and have been reminded how good people can be. That's been refreshing, because you have behaved in a way that sucked all the goodness out of life. Your behavior had me feeling like there was no down or up and like I would never find my footing. I know this isn't over, I know there is still a long road to walk and at times I might only be able to crawl, but you have inadvertently reminded me that I can press on, because I am so strong.

I know that's why you fell in love with me. I know you saw me as a safe place and I bet you hoped that I was the one you wouldn't break. You did break me, for a period of time - or maybe you didn't break me but I sure as hell bent pretty far down the horizon of your mental illness. I don't blame you. I accept this. But, accepting this does not mean accepting it for my future. So thank you, for reminding me of my strength. I wish I would have never lost it with you, and do wish we could do this healing together, but I will lead this marriage one last time if that's what it takes. I will lead it with respect, love, dignity, and strength to the divorce that you desire. I will leave this marriage the same way I entered it. Strong.

[The Cat in d Hat]

This a great thread, as I’ve wanted to say something to her for so long. Over time I’m starting to see there’s not much for me to say, or even a need to. It does however help to write some of this out. I’d love to say to her “I hope you find what your looking for” (but emotionally and logically I can’t, because I know how near impossible that might actually be). I would want to say “I forgive you”, but she likely feels she has done nothing wrong and it’s probably all my fault.

I would want to say how she took advantage of my vulnerability and emotional availability, will not break me. As viscous and thirsty a vampire she might have been, my supply was far too great for her to handle. Saying this would only feed that bottomless pit of her soul, as it would show emotion.

So I would just like to say, “It was a short journey, and maybe it was meant to be that way. Good luck, I wish you well”.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought.

[tiki]

I saw that message you wrote to me on the pier. Why would you do that? Isn’t there enough salt? Do I seem like I’m in a great place for this? Can’t you have any compassion at all? I was on day 14 of no contact. You broke that by writing on a public pier. I had a good day just before that.  And reading those words it put me again into days of pain. And I guess it’s because I have to again make sense of why that made me feel the way it did. What was it that got to me. What I realized is it’s because it once again shows your lack of empathy. That no matter what it’s all about you.  More salt. Why did you heap on more salt? I struggle so much with why this is so hard for me. There are all these layers. And I have to figure out what each one is. I’ve felt for the past three years that you don’t value or care about my human life. I guess this is just in keeping with that. It’s not new so why does it still hurt me. There is something about that I just can’t accept.

[Kaboodle]

Here is what I would write to my ex:

I know. I may not know everything. But I know. I know about E----, H----, L----, C----, S----. I know there were others. I know you have a sexually transmitted disease. I know I was lucky not to catch it.

I know what you did to me was abuse. I know your abuse was a crime. I know that you killed your cat. I know that you hurt and destroy anyone that loves you.

I know the community thinks you are a wonderful person. I know they will come to see the truth about you. I know that you are a sick, dangerous monster. I know that you will only become more monstrous as you age.

I know that I am free of the monster. I know I will love and live fully again soon.

[JNChell]

Dear ex,
     Today is your birthday and I have very mixed emotions. I’m angry, sad and anxious. I don’t wish you a happy birthday because I simply can’t at this point.

     I clearly remember celebrating your birthday during our first year together. We visited my Sister in the amazing city that she lives in. That was the first time the two of you met. She helped me plan and arrange the whole weekend, just for you. The two of you went to a spa while I finished up some last minute details to make everything as perfect as I could for your special day. We went to a romantic restaurant and dined. We went back to my Sister’s so you could open your gifts and have the cake I specially ordered two months in advance, for you. The climax of the day was the concert we went to, which made the paper in a big city. Then we went back to my Sister’s for the night, and we’re both fairly certain, the doctor included, that we made our Son that night.

     I’m also recalling your birthday of last year. I’m recalling being completely blown off by you after making solid plans. The day of your birthday, we went out to eat, and went back to my little apartment at the time so I could give you your gifts and cake. I thought you were staying the night, but you said you couldn’t. You had plans to go out with the girls on Saturday night to celebrate, and said you didn’t want to stay out real late because you wanted to come and stay the night with me so we could really celebrate your special day. I was going to keep our Son all day while you were getting ready. I planned out and bought a meal for he and I. I had plans for him to have a lot of physical activity that day so he would surely go to sleep early, and stay asleep for us. At the last minute, you smashed those plans. You said he would be staying with your mom, and that you and your friends would be staying at your sister’s. I became pretty upset about that. Your response? “Plans change. Deal with it.”

     The next day after I asked how your night was, all you did was ___ about how a couple of your “friends” made your birthday night out unenjoyable.

     These are my thoughts on your special day. I don’t like you, at all. I think you’re repulsive. You’re more of a narcissist than a borderline. You cut yourself, so the borderline is there. You cause damage that no one else sees. You’re a train wreck, and I consider myself lucky to have jumped from the train and survived the fall. You’re a taker, a liar, a manipulator, a professional victim and an abuser. That’s what your f*****g cake should say.

[udunnome81]

As far as the boys and myself, we don't need you. We don't need someone in our lives who cares so little about us that they can pick up and leave with no real reasoning.
You're unhappy. There are things you can do about that. You didn't want to.

You can't face up to or take any accountability for your part in our issues. Instead you found something better.

WE, don't need someone like that in our lives. I hope wherever and whoever you are with are worth it to you.

Obviously, we were not worth your time and effort. I will not say anything to the boys about you that is negative. However, I will not lie to them either. And you know they are smart. I am sure they will figure things out for themselves and they won't want to deal with you either.

As for what we had, you are right. You didn't deserve me. I gave you everything that I had, and you treated me like crap for it.

You don't have any say in what I do with the boys. You made that choice when you abandoned them.

I know you have lied to yourself, to make you believe that I am awful, but that's not true or you would have stayed for the kids. To protect them from me. You have lied to everyone. How about those job offers you were telling me were already in place? Yet, six months and you still don't have a job.

The only person you care about is yourself. You want what you say to be the law. It always has been, in your mind and I tried to make it so. However, at this point your suggestions and opinion don't mean a thing to me.

You are a lying, heartless, whore and I hope it was all worth it.

We have no time for a self-absorbed narcissistic ___. We deserve more from the time we spend on something.

You are cut from the cloth of your father who abandoned you. I really thought you were growing. I guess I was wrong. I should have left you long ago. I stuck around because I believed our marriage was worth it.

In the same breath I wish you happiness and also I hope that you find yourself crushed and defeated when you realize what you have actually done.

I just wish you would stop lying and tell the truth about everything. You can't be sorry, if you are still unwilling to tell the truth.

The truth, in my estimate, is that you are hurting. The truth is that you want to be happy and are willing to go to the most extreme lengths looking for it, as long as you don't have to look at yourself. There you find shame, regret, and fear. You can't face these feelings because you don't know how.

This is not your fault. This is due to the traumas you have faced throughout your life. You had a mother that you loved dearly. You had a father that you loved dearly. When your father left, when you were 5, your mother gave up. When you were 13, after having to take care of yourself, your mom went into a nursing home. You were taken in by family and abused. Other members of your family tried to abuse you. Then, when you did not meet the expectations of those who should have loved you, they turned you out of their home. After you graduated you decided to return home to be with your mother, but she had dementia and it was very hard for you to really be with her. You were the in abusive relationships. Relationships with people who did drugs, people who physically threatened you.

When I got to you, you needed a way out and I gave it to you. I tried to give you everything. You didn't know how to take that, as you had never had that before. Then, I started having my own issues. Narcolepsy. I felt shame and guilt for an issue that I couldn't control. Life was repeating itself again. You resented me for my issues. You felt like you had to take care of me.

You say you had to worry about me when you weren't home. You didn't even want to admit that I actually had a problem. You wanted to get away. You even tried before we knew what my problem actually was. He sent you back to me.

You acquiesced and came back, and we conceived our first son. Then our 2nd son. Things started to look up, but then they quickly turned down again, and I was laid off. We had to move back 3 hours awa and live with my parents, which you further resented me for. You also had hard feelings that I made more on disability than you did working full-time.

Finally I got my break, and got my current job. I knew you wanted to be in back to the other city, as you had told me this many times. You were pregnant with our 3rd son, and you had been depressed for a long time. We knew that there were issues and we were talking about them. You made promises but didn't follow through with them. Then our 3rd son was born and you refused to seek the help that even you admitted that you needed.

Things haven't been the greatest, but you told me that you would never do what you have done. You told me to stand by you no matter what. Then when someone appeared to be offering you something better, you decided to leave.

You are perpetuating the cycle that your father started when he left you and your mother all those years ago. You are better than that and I know you know that.

I admit that I am starting to get bitter. You have gone out of your way to vilify me. You have told lies about me.

You have told people that I am stupid, that I am controlling, and that I wouldn't let you have any of YOUR hard earned money. These lies are complete fabrications, as I never did any of these things.

All I ever wanted to do was provide you with everything you needed and wanted. I wanted you to be happy. I couldn't make you happy. Only you could make you happy. But I tried so hard to help. In the end you had to go back to somewhere that people would let you vilify me, because they don't know how much I care about you. You had to go somewhere that you could betray our marital bonds. Somewhere that I wouldn't be able to see what you were doing. Somewhere that I couldn't follow you. You laid in a bed with another man and you've told him that you love him.

You've lied to everyone, including your children. If you could have put 1/10 of the amount of energy that you have spent telling your lies, on our marriage, it could have worked. You were too focused on moving on to someone new. And someplace familiar. The sad part is that you aleeady knew that there isn't anything for you there.  You've told me so hundreds of times, even thanked me for taking you away from there.

You kept telling me that you had "grown balls"... .I understand what you mean. But if this is true, why couldn't you at least be honest. Why all the lies. It's because the fact is that you haven't grown at all, just digressed further into the psychosis.

Deep down, you know there is a problem. It wasn't me. That's not saying that I don't have my own issues, because I do have my own issues. I tried too hard. That's just because I love you so much and I could see how much you were hurting, but I knew I couldn't fix you. Only you could. Only you CAN. You had so many expectations for me, but you could not hold yourself responsible for yourself. You've never had to, and by leaving you still won't have to. Until your new fling ends, or has issues. Maybe he'll let you leave. Maybe he'll hold you at gunpoint and say you can't. I didn't do that to you. However, he seems like he is the type to do something like that, just as you said one of your other exes did if that is even true. You are somewhat kindred spirits, homewreckers.  You've admitted to it in the past and I am sure he was aware that you were a married woman. I am sure that to you, right now, he feels like your savior. Until this too ends. I doubt he even realizes what he has got himself into.

I have no doubts that eventually this new situation will devolve and I don't think it will take long. The honeymoon period will wear off and you will settle back into the same patterns that you have exhibited in the past. Unless you get help, it is INEVITABLE.
 
You will live a life of roller-coaster ups and downs, and you will hate yourself even more. You will not have the boys, and you can't have anymore children of your own. Your children will be able to see through the lies eventually. I have the tough job of making sure that they don't follow you down the same path that you are on. I have to shelter and protect them from it.  I have to protect them from you.

That knowledge hurts me to the core. But your betrayal hurts even more than that. You have wounded my soul. I have prayed to God for the strength to move on. But I know that our paths will cross again at some point. We were meant to be there for each other. You were there for me in college even before you moved to SD. I thought of you often. The thought of you laying with another man is sickening to me. But I know this has already happened.

I don't need you, but I wanted you in my life. I didn't try to change you and never asked you to be someone you weren't. These are all lies that you built up in your head so that you could leave without feeling bad about it and deep down you know that is true.

If you want true happiness you will need to take and deep look inside yourself. You need to forgive those that did wrong by you. You need to learn to love. You need to find the caring person that I know you have in you, as I have seen it before. Otherwise these bad events in your life will continue over and over and gain until your life is over and you will have nothing to show for it.

I admit that I did try to have you committed. I didn't do it because you wanted to leave me. I actually had your best interests at heart. I was trying to get you the help that you need, where you refused to get it for yourself. I had already prepared myself for the fact that one way or the other that our marriage was over. I just want the best for you, no matter what you did and have done and are still trying to do to me. I still want the best for you. I know I am too nice to you. I should treat you, the way you have treated me. But I will not do that.

I have often questioned whether it was me. And I know it's not all me as you would like me to believe. However what you have done this time, proves to me without a doubt that you have BPD. Without any doubt. You rapid devaluation of me, along with so many other traits proves it. Everything was fine. We had problems, but rather than face the problems, you just ran away into the arms of another man.


... .sorry... .I know this is really long. I've had a lot of hard feelings for a while. These are the things I wrote and and knew I could never and would never say to her. It me was me trying to get through my anger.

[MyBPD_friend]

This was my letter to my BPD friend, sent by mail. We talked a week later, but not about the content, she said she got the letter and that she still wants to respond. She did not yet and I doubt she will.

I apologize for the length for my letter - sorry.

Letter:

I’m writing to you since our sudden face to face contact is pretty fresh and I want to respond to that, a phone call would not allow me to say what I want to say.
Seeing each other at xxxx on Saturday at some point was something necessary and unavoidable, and it was nothing out of the blue or a surprise to you. I’m strong enough to face a situation like this and I was the one to put myself in a situation of a possible confrontation with you and it was my decision to do so.
In one of my SMS in November and December I told you I was going to be in towen by the end of January and your friend seems to tell you always if I’m there - so no surprise. I was there on Friday night too, but it was boring at the club.

There was no reason for me to start a conversation with you, having you in front of me and I’ll explain why.
We had a good and pretty long phone call in November when I told you that I made peace with you, for that phone call things seemed to be ok, even when you said you had a difficult time and you were struggling with yourself since months. I do understand that.

That last Saturday night I had planned to go to party at the club much earlier, but I met new very young friends in town and we talked for hours, that’s a very intelligent and mature couple, and I drove them back home to xxxx. It was too early for Vogue in xxxx and I drove back to town to visit the crowded place the club.

In my SMS to you I honestly offered my friendship and I was worried how you were doing.
I know it’s a far distance for a friendship but not that far. During the end of last year and January you purposely never responded to me. That was not unusual for you and not a big surprise to me but it was very annoying and anything but nice behaviour. I’ve experienced your total silence already before, it was last year after we met the first time in April. That left me very confused, today I’m aware of a lot of new things and I’m not confused anymore.

The point is, no communication is considered a silent treatment and it is a damaging form of verbal and emotional abuse. That kind of verbal abuse is a means of maintaining power, control, superiority and dominance over the recipient of the silent treatment (me).
No word needs to be spoken in a verbal abuse situation. Healthy relationships/friendships require intimacy, verbal abuse is a violation of the meaning of friendship and interpersonal relationship. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension.

However, in a conflict the parties (us) discuss their wants, needs and seek a mutually win/win solution. While seeking the solution neither party forces, dominates or controls the other.
Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another (me), to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over (me).
The consequences of any form of verbal abuse may vary in intensity, depth and breadth. However the outcome of any form of verbal abuse impacts the receiver’s (me) self-perception, emotional well-being and spiritual vitality. Verbal abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s (you) response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

Please understand withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse and NO fun at all.

Xxxx, you actually use that treatment against me, perhaps it’s a sign of defence, insecurity, fear of abandonment, stress, mistrust, anger or testing me and my boundaries.
However, your silence is a very strong punishment and can be a real torture, but I also see this might be the only way for you to cope with your stress, fears, bad feelings, depression, emptiness and memories.
I’m sure you know that silent treatment is hurtful and can be damaging to the other person.
Ask yourself, do you want to be treated like this?

This kind of treatment is used by narcissists, borderline disordered people and other disordered individuals. I know that learning from mistakes and changing behaviour is very difficult or almost impossible for personality disordered people.
There is NO space for an abusive silent treatment in any kind of friendship or human relationship; it’s a violation of any trustful relationship!
 
However, you’ve repeatedly made extremely vague statements about what happened to you at age 15 and in 2015. I told you I won’t ask if you don’t want to talk about that. I’m not responsible for your possibly very disappointing or terrible experiences at young age or any experience of abandonment, war and hurt. I’m also not responsible for your feelings or any other problem of yours. I’m a person that can be trusted and I never abuse anyone, I’m totally loyal and reliable to my friends and family if they don’t betray me.

I would not say anything hurting you purposely, I could have said some bad things to you last Saturday, but first that’s not my personality, and second I don’t think you’re a bad person.

What I would have asked for (last Saturday) and expected from you is saying something personal and smart, such as an explanation for your abusive behaviour towards me or a simple apologize or ‘sorry’. It was not up to me to say anything to you as I have not done anything to you except being there and being available, I also think I’ve said enough to give you enough reason for trust in me.

If your silence is the conclusion of a well addressed goodbye, please say it and I’ll be ok with it. But when there is every intention of reengaging later so that the silence served to keep me in circles then that is abusive. Your SMS last November when I rejected coming back to you at the club was an attempt of reengaging, but what you said was also, and again, very manipulative.

Last Saturday, it was not really unexpected to eventually see you at xxxx, it had to happen at some point anyways. When I was sitting on that high chair in the upstairs gallery, I was probably looking at my phone or something else and didn’t realize that you appeared in front of me. Then suddenly, out of the blue, you were standing across looking at me intensely, just you looked at me when I met you in April. I had to look twice to realize that it was in fact you. You do have pretty eyes and you’re a very beautiful woman.

By using silence you punish yourself too. I don’t believe it’s a joyful experience for you and the goal of gaining some control is a self-deception. It works with most people, but not with me as I do understand this mechanism. I believe you’ve lost many friends and that you have been abandoned by many in the past and that abandonment is one of your biggest fears.
I don’t want to repeat myself about consideration and the meaning of true friendship, but instead I add this definition for you to read and comprehend in your way:

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association. Friendship has been studied in academic fields such as communication, sociology, social psychology, anthropology, and philosophy. Various academic theories of friendship have been proposed, including social exchange theory, equity theory, relational dialectics, and attachment styles.
Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, certain characteristics are present in many types of such bonds. Such characteristics include affection; kindness, love, virtue, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, loyalty, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings to others, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend.

True friendship is not when you go to school and hang around with someone just because you have no one else to chill with. It’s not calling someone up when you’re bored because they are fun to talk to. It’s not when you can’t think of a birthday gift and end up buying your friend a Walmart gift card. It’s not when you have to talk to someone about something you don't particularly care about (like how much snow we got last year) to avoid an awkward silence.
Friendship is when you love someone with every ounce of your being and genuinely want them to be happy even if it means sacrificing something yourself to make them happy. A true friend is someone you can talk to about your feelings, someone you can tell things you could never tell your family or even your partner. They are someone who you don't have to talk to but someone you want to talk to; someone you will go out of your way to be with. Friendship is when you love someone so much you want to hold them and never let go, someone you want to rest your head on and cry, and you would let them cry on you too. It’s someone you can talk to about things you disagree on and end up being closer for that disagreement. It’s when you think about someone and how close you are to them and how much you love them and you smile and are happy all over.
Friendship is when your love for someone exceeds your need for them. (the Dali Lama said that)!

If you look in the dictionary it will tell you that the definition of friendship is a state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will. That all sounds nice, but it doesn’t cover the fact that a true friendship is a relationship that can survive the test of time and remain unconditional.
 
Friendship for most people is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust. The general traits of a friendship include similar interests, mutual respect and an attachment to each other, and in order to experience friendship, you need to have true friends. The emotional safety provided by friendship means not having to weigh your thoughts and measure words. True friendship is when someone knows you better than yourself and takes a position in your best interests in a crisis. Friendship goes beyond just sharing time together, and it is long lasting.
 
Friendship can mean different things to different people. For some people it is simply the trust that someone will not hurt you. For others it might be unconditional love or just normal companionship. Whatever your own definition is, friendship is often considered as a mutual and agreeable relationship between two individuals, and that’s a good thing, as it has been said that a person who finds a true friend has found a priceless treasure.
 
Friendship is rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person. Because it takes both positive and negative experiences to define a personality, it is essential to build your friendships with people who are compatible with you on both an emotional and psychological basis.

I’ve put a lot of effort getting along with our friendship and trying to understand you as much as it is possible for me with no communication. I do have my own boundaries which you have to accept and respect.
With NO communication, silence, abuse and manipulation - I can’t be in any kind of friendship with you or anyone else, you know that. If you don’t reply to my effort in any way, I will understand that as an act of saying byebye. In any event, I will keep going to town and xxxx.
I’ve made my choice by calling you in November. If you chose to reply, you know how to reach me, whether it’s an e-mail, SMS or a call. And if so, take enough time thinking and make up your mind.

When I left xxx on Saturday after you said you need to say good bye to your friends, I went downstairs for a smoke, it was not meant to be understood as abandonment for good. I actually saw you leaving when you got your coat as I was also waiting in line with many people leaving, you had left when I got out there.

I will be back in town on March 23rd/24th, this will be after my visit of the classic car fair, where I was the day we met last April. if you wish, reply before then please.

Regards

[salvage]

ok here i go... .

I've thought about contacting you a least 10,000 times in the past 18 months.  It crossing my mind so many times a day and in so many formats.

I've made up stories and ways to reach out and sound casual... .as if this hasn't just ripped me in two... .But that wouldn't be honest nor truthful. 

I have so many questions, so many why's, how could you, did you, etc...   Each time I  ask those aloud i imagine what you might answer and regardless of the answer I still feel no relief - which is why I know you don't have an answer that will soothe me...

You once called me pathetic... .You were right... .I didn't think I was before but I am now.  I hate that you could let me go so easily and here I am 18 months later and missing you doesn't get easier it gets actually harder... .

Sometimes I think in a letter I would write I wish you well, or hope you are doing well but that wouldn't be honest either.  If you were doing well, I think I would feel even worse.  At the same time I don't want you to be doing badly.

So I think about what do I want... .and I guess this is it...
I want you to "be" better
I want to hear from you that you realize what you lost and that you too haven't had a day where you haven't thought about me or longed for me.
I want to hear the truth from you, where you acknowledge the lies and take responsibility.
I want us to have another chance to know each other outside of lies, mirroring and projection. 
I want to know who you are so I no longer have to sort through all the experiences to try to figure it out.

I also haven't wrote or contacted you because I think this one thing... .If you were cold, dismissive or even casual - I couldn't handle it...

So I don't write, call or text but my heart and mind talks to you all day and night. 

Please... .just one sign that I still occupy some part of your heart and maybe just maybe I could find a moments peace.

[southside420]

I am writing you because I can better organize my thoughts rather than try to communicate via text message. I want to give you my thoughts on this relationship and perhaps simply telling you as I did last week that we had no future, I need to tell you how I feel.

First, you hurt me immensely with your actions last fall. I could not believe a person who said she loved me and was my soulmates could attempt to ruin my entire life, my career, my friendships and my family. I still to this day cannot fully understand your actions or your motivations, but I am beginning to understand why you did them.

When you told me you were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last December, I had no idea what that was. I briefly read on the subject but really did not follow up. Over the last week, I have emersed myself in information about the disorder. I have covered it in therapy. I have tried to understand and explain why you did what you did and why we fought in the manners we fought. I have learned to forgive myself and have recognized that I am not at total fault for the end of our relationship. Yes, there were times I made mistakes, but a relationship must be a two way street where both sides work for one another. That did not happen with us.

I have not seen any remorse, no forgiveness, no effort to change. At first when you told me you were in therapy and doing better, it made me happy. All I want to see is for you to address your disorder and become a better person through hard work. Yet, when I refused and said I was not ready to sit down with you, that violent, nasty, vengeful side came out and it made me sad because it showed me you have not changed and you are not as much better as you think you are. Therapy for borderline disorder is a multi-year process. If you were willing to commit to it, I would come back and support you. But I know that isn't something you are willing to do. Instead, you are happy to go out and find a new person to replace me with, one that will not challenge your weaknesses and only validate your behavior. You went out and found someone to fill the void I left instead of being kind, reaching out to me and showing me you had made changes.

You called me weak for not taking you back and weak for listening to others who warned me about taking you back, but I have found strength in myself to walk away from a person who only lives to hurt me and only feels better when she knows I am suffering.

I want you to get help. I want to be the one that can support you through this journey toward being a strong, more stable person. But I know you won't be serious about it. You'll just find someone new, jump from relationship to relationship, always blaming others for your problems and never admitting fault.

I am sad for you. Best of luck and please do not come crawling back when you realize what you had in me.

[MyBPD_friend]

Actually I didn't mention that I've sent this letter to her by mail. She said to have received it and wants to  respond - which I highly doubt to happen.

[insideoutside]

I am hoping I get the opportunity to send this:

I have no desire to rekindle a friendship with you.  The last time we were in touch you kindly told me I was staggeringly arrogant, full of bullsh1t and excuses and wished I would just leave you alone.  Therefore hardly somebody you would want to be friends with, right?

'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome'

We do not work; not as friends or anything else.  We are not on the same page; not even close.  Being in contact with you isn’t healthy for me and I certainly do not like the person I become when you are in my life.  

You have your wish; I have and will continue to leave you alone.

It’s time to let it go and move on.


This email is sat in my drafts just in case... .

[Imarriedhim]

to my ex--- he isn't an ex, he has died of colon cancer, 9 months ago. A very rapid illness.

to my ex ----- it's the lies I cannot take. You later on twist things round so it is not your fault.  But it was your fault.  it is the lies.

It's the fact that you will never apologise that makes me sad.

It's the fact that you don't listen to me, and that you cannot be talked round or reasoned with, that makes me so disappointed in you and for our marriage.   When you don't include any point that I have made, you are driving a cart and horses through courtesy through our marriage contract.   And as I have not been able to make you change, all I can think of is to say that I feel rejected. Do you know that? rejected, and a bunch of flowers does nothing to make things better.

Normal people, when angry about something will stop, if I point out that they misunderstood/ did not know what happened. What I mean is, you are saying 'I am cross about A and B and C and it is terrible and you, wife are wrong' and then I say, 'But I never wanted A' or 'It was someone else who did B, not me' and 'C never happened'  Anyone else would be able to stop when they hear some of this.  But not you, this is NOT normal, mister.  you are NOT NORMAL.    

You say that you love me, but why don't you use this love to drive positive emotions in your heart/brain?

Why should you feel it important to say bad things to us?   If I go on the long journey to see my father you should say 'Good journey' not 'the weather is bad, the driving will be dangerous, all will be terrible for you'
Why do you think that you have to tell the adult children that things will go wrong?  Can't you make things nice for them?

I do wish I had known about SET, (support, empathise and tell the truth)    I would have been able to be a bit more supportive and been able to empathise a bit more. You did not enable me to love you as much as I might have done if you had been normal/kinder/more positive.

Why did you not want to mix with my family?  ?

I am so glad we had the three children, who could support each other.

and the rest ... .

I WAS strong, it took me 6 months after your death before I could say a good word about you. I was strong when you were difficult.   I made the marriage as good as I could.

[steppedinone]

Something I wrote as a cover letter. About 18 months of pent up frustration dealing with more of a friend than an ex. But after I sent this, I felt I was able to let go with love and respect, take responsibility for only my issues, and move forward a small amount... .


After thought and meditation, I understand that yesterday was not a reflection of who and what I am in this moment. I was caught unaware by your approach, overwhelmed, and found myself wanting to believe what I saw, as opposed to what I truly feel.
The attached letter (written a little while back) is a more accurate reflection of me going forward. I stand by all that I’ve written. You have apologized for “hurting me”. I accept that. There is so much in this letter and in my journaling that you have not. And I require none from you.  I struggle with the number of times I have allowed myself to be manipulated, but that’s on me. I had the ability to walk away numerous times, and I chose not to do so. Lesson learned. And with that I let go of all the energy associated with what has happened. My focus returns to my work.
I walk from this having purged all of my anger I can in the moment. And I apologize from the bottom of my heart for any and all pain I have brought you. As I go forward, it is my hope to send only thoughts of compassion as you begin your journey. May you find what you need on yours.

If this helps anyone, I'll be pleased... .

[tiki]

Dear speck of dust doofus,

That was so stupid what you said. I can’t even with the things you say. You haven’t  done real work on yourself. Not the kind that is going to be helpful to the people around you.  I can’t even. And when were you that other person yesterday? This morning? You have no clue. You’re blaming people for their perceptions of you. And there is a poor me in there too when the problem is your treatment of others.

How can somebody that loses his keys every other minute. a total ridiculous high person be such a dangerous thing. You’re the only person I’ve ever known who makes me feel together and smart. I’ve never met anyone who seemed dumber than myself. And you know what your skin is so white and it has bearded hairs that grow out of it and it constantly gets flushed a purple-red. Like a giant face penis.

Okay. Mean. I know.

[steelwork]

Tomorrow's your birthday, D. It's also the three-year anniversary of being ghosted by you. Of course you'd already moved on, and let me know, but you were still pretending until three years ago tomorrow that you cared about me and wanted to keep me in your life.

I read the story you published last year. It was pretty obviously based on our relationship, and I had a whole bunch of different reactions to it. The main thing it told me was that I persisted in your mind in some form, even after you froze me out. I guess I can't know for sure anything else.

I want to send you this essay I just wrote, which covers some of the things that were going on in my life during the time we were drifting apart. Maybe if you read this, you'd have some sense of the stress I was under. Life intruded, D., and I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from me during that time, and I'm sorry that the result was that you cut me out entirely, but maybe if you read this you'd have a little more understanding of what else was going on for me. Maybe then you'd see that it was a time when I needed your understanding.

steelwork

[JNChell]

This is a great thread and I’ve been tempted to write my ex a letter, and send it with our Son’s backpack. I think it’s best to leave it here. It should be noted that I’ve posted on this thread already. My thoughts and feelings are changing. To any of you that are still raw and hurting in unimaginable ways, it gets better. It begins to hurt in different ways, and the focus turns to us. We’re all in this thing together.

Dear Ex,

Our Son is the greatest thing to ever come into my life. Thank you for him. I love you. Detaching from you has been so hard. I’ve learned that I was able to look past so much because it was familiar to me. Because I’m wired to accept things that don’t feel good. Babe, it didn’t feel good, and I’m tired of not feeling good. I’ve spent most of my life not feeling good. I’m so sorry that our personalities couldn’t find a way to line up. I’m sorry that I placed so much blame on you for my own shortcomings. Upon meeting you, I only wanted to help. I wasn’t able to do that. There is no way I could have. We have so much in common, yet we are divided by mental and emotional conditions. I so wish that we resided on the same end of the spectrum.

I miss you. I lay down with thoughts of you, dream about you and wake with you being the first thing on my mind. I’ve poured myself out to you in need of understanding, acceptance, empathy, compassion and accountability. These are the things I needed from you. I realize now that you aren’t able to provide those things.

I have to thank you for awakening in me a better understanding of who I am and why I am the way that I am. It seems like we could be friends, or in a perfect world, reunite as lovers in this discovery, but it’s a one sided discovery.

My love, I am evolving. I will never hurt another the way that I hurt you, and I will never again allow another to hurt me the way that you have. I was less than my best with you. I miss you and I love you. Please take care.

[Teri50]

Oh boy! I have already written to him since Feb, I'd have to look at my emails to say but I would got through all the love mails and responses to fusses trying to reason with him not to break it off. Mind you everything was always my fault and even though he was wrong I always tried to take 'part' of the responsibility. Gotta' be fair ya' know! LOL... .Well he didn't respond to those except that he didn't get the whole Pdf  file and would respond after he got the whole thing, so I sent the rest and heard nothing back. Oh yes he likes or comments to a few FB things but no there is no communication of importance. I haven't written in 2 weeks now and his Birthday was yesterday, I did not send a card or email a greeting. I'm proud of that milestone. But today it's all I can do not to write to him... .
As for what I would like to say... .what kind of sick SOB are you and who do you think you are? I'm not your first (he was married 39 yrs, he said she left him and had always made it her problems of course). Well thanks God! She finally had the guts to leave you, why didn't your chicken asP leave her years before if it was so bad! You had your huge expensive toys (still do), she had 2 kids to raise as best she could. And how many women did you screw up screwing around on her because you could use your marriage as an excuse not to commit. I'd always wondered how she got so little in the divorce and now I see, she had to get out from your rages, and the emptiness and anxiety she felt each day just before you came home.  She had illnesses caused primarily by nerves and neglect, tried suicide several times which you made out to be her 'mental' problem... .well yeah! 39 yrs with your Narcissistic ass would make anyone suicidal. I can assure you I am brought to my knees and I'm in a butt load of pain but NO sick SOB like you is worth taking my own precious life! I gave you honesty, trust, love, and was good to your family. Your kids and Grands loved me! How can you do this to all of us? Even your few friends you introduced me to were happy you had finally found some one with some class and sense and who loved you. I'm sure you have now fooled them too, triangulating and making it all my fault. I cannot defend myself from that either so you 'win' again. I just hope they realize their first impression was the right one. My psychologist says they know you and probably know at some level there is something wrong with the picture. The woman before me was a strong woman too and she was 2 yrs with you, so you say. I'd love to talk to her... .You are a lonely and bitter almost 'old' man and probably always will be. I'd say rot in hell but you already live there... .you say you want to love and be loved... .you have been and you threw it away, several times... .

[Harley Quinn]

I know what I possess. I’m now learning how to use it. I will always attract what I project, so I want to project the best version of myself with the time that I have. We owe this to ourselves, and we equally owe this to individuals that we allow to be close to us.

JNChell, I salute you.  Never a truer word... .  Seems to me you've found the purpose in the pain. 

Love and light x   

[Teri50]

Yes, at this moment I want to write to you. You intertwined me with part of your family as we progressed. I now am conflicted as to whether I can stand the pain of disengaging from your/our/my step Granddaughter, your son and his wife. Will I hurt them by withdrawing? Can I maintain a relationship with them and not hurt myself? I talked to her (sons wife) today and they are at your house. See it wasn't just you I let myself love, at your invitation, I loved them too and it wasn't a frivolous decision. Now you all have each other and I have no-one.

_____if I were the one who had caused all the 'drama' as we went along why oh why would you introduce me to your boss, who liked me, your friends, who also liked that you had found a woman who loved you and you loved. Why did you always blame me for everything. I was never a drama Queen, never. But I couldn't be a doormat either. Sometime I had to defend myself from the rages and anger you hurled at me for nothing. It the phone blipped you would say I interrupted you. If I said aqua you would get mad and say blue. If I disagreed over minor subjects as a discussion you would say I was not trusting you and start a fight.

I worked hard to change my life and disengage from the my life here to be with you. I was good to you, thoughtful gifts for you and you never even gave me a Birthday or Christmas present or card. Now where do I go? What do I do? How do I do an about face?

Knowing you were alone when we were between 'visits' I cooked and sent you home with weeks worth of your favorite healthy foods to freeze and last for weeks. When there I did the same, only that time you came home raging as to why a bag of cuttings from food prep was on top of the garbage can, why the door was open, why an outdoor chair had been moved. Raising hell clasping your hands together shaking them at me and yelling at me that the dishes were in the sink. I had stopped at 4 to clean myself up before you got home. Opened the door for you so you didn't have to fool with the lock. Moved the chair to sit outside to view the beautiful snow I never got to see in my area and feel it on my face. I was content and so very happy to be spending that week with you after missing Christmas together because I had the flu. It was disappointing but I came as soon as I was able to make the 12 hour drive.

These things I would probably not say to him, I am still blaming myself for our break up... .

I long for the family I had come to love and to build good memories with you on a much needed trip to Europe with you to build memories together and share something besides the responsibilities we had tackled for months. I was to meet your sister and other family there too. Why ______? I feel like you were laughing at me the whole time. Physically you were the only man I had known after years of a loveless marriage. I was happy alone when I met you. Happy with myself and the person I was. You said you loved her. Now I cannot find her, she blended with you and now I'm not the same.

I want to curse you and hurt you as much as I am hurting but I cannot because I am not a vindictive person. You loved the kindness I now cannot find within. Only pain. I've begged, written, cried, and pleaded with you to let us work this out. I'm sure i'm not a perfect person but surely not so bad that you should have treated me as you have... .I want your love back. I wanted the first few months to last the rest of our lives. But I grew to fear the rages, the arguments you started, being grabbed by the shoulder in stores twice because I was looking the other way and you said something to me, I was 2 feet away, I could hear you, just looking to see which isle something was on... .being yelled at in the car... .but I also miss holding your hand, holding you, the touch, the smell of you... .

Ok that's all I can write now, I'm crying and I'm exhausted... .It's been since Feb 7th he said he's done. After he was wrong about an event in my area... .I wrote to him and told him I had grown to fear him and the rages. I was not the first or the second either. But he said I'd be the last and he'd rather be alone than do that to anyone else again... .who'se next? He hated being alone... .which is it... .

Do I sound confused enough NPD/BPD family? Will I ever find the me he said he fell n love with. Also said he liked strong women and i was that for sure... .now I feel like a shell... .tears, tears... .6 of the longest weeks of my life... .

[Cromwell]

on the theme of birthday cards, I hope the possible anticipation you felt that one would have made its way to you this year, despite the ghosted NC, that you held out some sort of percentage chance that this person you thought you had ultimate control over my emotions would waver someway from his "anger" or "fall out" or whatever misguided thought may have entertained your mind in all this freedom time i built myself.

you were right. despite everything, the heart became weak for you again, the one that over rode all my rationality and instinct of what is right or wrong. despite all i had learned, researched, the torrent of sadness that cant even be described as a depression or a trauma. bitter disappointment is for normal break ups. you were right that the thought came strongly in my mind and played its disorientating game with me. But I didnt. nothing did land through your door.

How did that feel?

it was enough for you to come to my door. yes do show yourself up. I was right to expect it. each day I get better, you become less of the mystery you once were. if I feel hatred, please never take the credit or arrogance that it is for you, I never lost anything, because I never had anything to begin with, you took one thing away from me and only one thing, my own illusion and that is the only thing that hurt because I made it myself, you cultivated it along the way, tried to sustain it but like a cheap wooden table covered in a veneer, your real value eventually revealed itself. happy belated birthday to you! come around again next year to the same closed door.

most people would rather spend it around those who love them... .oh wait! I think I just got the whole point right there!

Cromwell

[xyz-Girl]

I do want to text him to let him know why i blocked him out of everything. i feel bad to have ended our r/s like this. he didn't do much wrong to me intentionally. I feel i hurt him for my best interest and i feel bad about it. I want to send him a brief text explaining i only did it bc it's the only way for me to move on in the healthiest way. I don't want him to think i want to delete every memory, that not what i want, neither to end things in bad terms. what should i do?

[Jeffree]

All I have left to say to my STBx is: Double middle fingers to you, you lying, conniving, inconsiderate POS.

I had gotten into the habit of flipping her off from other rooms or different floors of the house the last year or so of her reign of terror.

As a matter of fact, I did it just yesterday (even though she's in Florida at a trade show) while finishing up another home improvement project she would have never approved of or helped with.

J

[Shawnlam]

Here is a letter I wanted to send her before she gets back from vacation next weekend

I remember what you texted me that Monday after we broke up two weeks after “ I don’t usually chase people I guess it’s your lucky day”. Well this is me reaching out to you now and all I ask is you please just read what I have wrote here k?
 I wanted to tell you that in the last month I’ve been trying to understand what has been wrong with you in a good way.What I mean by that is why you behave in certain ways and your patterns.Ive been studying this because I want to keep you and have you in my life but I need to understand you as well and not assume I understand you like most ppl.I think that’s why you’ve also been seeing me as difficult before we broke up and that’s why you’ve been finding it hard to read me.I have figured out what the issue is and wanted to tell you because I hope you will seek help for it.Just so you don’t feel bad I as well have had an issue that needed treatment so it’s not a bad thing.
So xxxxx here Its is .You have what’s called BPD(borderline personality disorder) and no it has nothing to do with bipolar or multiple personalities.Its very treatable with something called dialectrical therapy which are tools and exercises to understand and treat the issues .I even found someone who specializes in this in Montreal for you.This disorder you have has the following symptoms and issues :
Immense fear of abandonment and not being loved (terrified of being alone)
Unstable relationships
Unclear /unstable self image
Self harm or suicidal thoughts sometimes
Extreme emotional swings (go from loving to hating someone in hours)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Explosive anger
Do things that are dangerous (drugs,drinking,unsafe sex with ppl barely know)
Will sabotage relationships so someone leaves proving they are unloveable (remember what you said about you pushing ppl away that love you)
Will leave a relationship to be sure they decided first and it didn’t happen to them
Past moments of emotion are as real as they were weeks/years ago in the immediate moment.
This list goes on... .

I’m sure your saying to yourself right now ,what does he want with me leave me alone xxx I hate you and you left me twice already ___ off.Look I’m only learning about this stuff to now  and I’m deeply sorry I reacted very wrong now knowing what the issue is.I left to save my self from being hurt and upset so much.Im sick and thought I had cancer (but after tests)I don’t and what I have is curable with medication.What I should have done was stick by your side and been there to help you when you were upset and emotionally in a bad place .Everyone makes mistakes xxxxx I didn’t understand what I was dealing with I was uneducated about it... .I failed you in a way.I didn’t pickup on the signs you sent me like telling me numerous times ( I’ll never betray you or hurt you on purpose) or when you said I’m yours for as long as you keep me.All these were signs I never picked up on and ignored now knowing that even YOU know it was inevitable you’d hurt me in some way eventually just like everyone who’s loved you .
So what’s the point of this email you ask? Well I have a proposition for you that will garantie your fears won’t happen again of being abandoned or left unloved , and you will be supported,and will be able to get you the help you need if YOU want it for YOU and your boys? Why I’m sure you are asking am I still in touch with you are involved  or want to be? ... .because I’m madly in love with you ,overwhelming in love with you.I always have been since the beginning,during,after the hurt,and right now.You mean so much to me I had to find out what /why you are so emotional and why you push the loved ones away.I couldn’t bare watching the pain you are in , unlike most people even if you hate me My love is not gone for you it’s just as strong as it’s ever been and I’m sorry you have to hear that.

I know once you return from your trip you will hopefully be on an emotional high and you may find this whole email maybe pointless or stupid but please push it in your inbox and wait until your feeling down or sad and reread it... .k ? Please... .I don’t even care if you have met someone or not I want to help you and I think my proposal may indeed be worth your time to hear.I don’t want to email or text it,I want to tell you in person.If you read this and are totally done with me then I’ll have to respect that and there won’t be more and more communication this is it.If you do text or email me then I’ll answer you .Please baby don’t push this away I promise not to hurt you anymore I finally understand what the issue is and I have managed it wrong since the beginning.Unlike other men / friends in your life ... .I didn’t and couldn’t give up until I found and told you what I now know... .everything is up to you now to take it,take what I want /wish to give you,one meeting or breakfast and you will understand.
This isn’t about perception (I frankly don’t care what ppl think of you or want you to be)... .you be who you want I’m not here to change it.Its not about judgement either I don’t care what you’ve done right up to while you are reading this! I don’t care about drugs booze sex or anything else ,I only care about you now and your future (whatever you chose that to be ) living single having fun or married with 5 kids it’s not important to me as long as you are happy doing any of it.This is my extreme love for you speaking and I can’t take what I said back I’d be lying .
In final upon your return from your vacation I hope you read this and it has some interest for you ,you know how to reach me when you want how you want.Take care baby ,I love you so so much it’s overwhelming,even as I said and wrote the stuff last week my heart was bleeding but now I know it was the wrong thing to do.I should have wished you well on your vacation and spoke to you after but everyone makes mistakes what can I say? I love you immensely almost inhumanly... .and I miss you deeply ...


Sent from my iPhone

[Sirnut]

Obviously I’m not going to send this, because it’s just another opportunity for her not to respond (I’m facing 3 months of silent treatment to date). But I think if I were going to send anything I would be trying to establish some closure with a bit of grace and dignity. That is, if you can have closure when only one side is communicating. So anyhow, here’s my effort at doing that ... .

Dear F

I know we’re not in contact now, but I can’t let you go without at least trying to give you a few words of thanks and appreciation for our time together. I wish I could say these things to you in person, but it seems like an email will have to do.

More than anything in these last few years it felt like a privilege to know you and be part of your life. When times were good it seemed as though we could see into each other’s hearts, and what I saw in yours was good. I gave you more of myself than I ever gave to any friend and I’m still glad I did, even though it doesn’t seem to have been enough in the end.

I can’t say I understand what went wrong, or why you stopped talking to me. I feel like we’ve lost something that we both valued, and I can’t help thinking that we could have sorted out whatever was wrong if only we could have talked again like we once did. Only you know why you couldn’t do that, and I won’t try to guess. You must feel I let you down, even though I don’t know how.

As hard as all that was, I hope we can both remember our time together mainly for what was good and not for how it ended. We did some wonderful things together and I feel like a more complete person for having known you. I was proud to be associated with you, and I did what I could to build you up during the time when we were together.

I won’t try to contact you again because there’s no going back now. I’ll just try to honour our shared memories, and I hope if we do happen to see each other we’ll meet as friends. God bless you.

[CryWolf]

You left me and I'm a mess. You look so happy and joyful without me now. Are you even thinking of me? Do you even miss me? Do I ever cross your mind? Or are you done with me like you said you were? I bet you're happy with someone else now.

[Teri50]

Well, I had written and asked to be removed from the group. Thank goodness they did not remove me.
I have finally removed him from my  Friends on FB page. It made me sick to my stomach, twice today. Why? I know it was a sick relationship so why is it I who is so 'sick'.

Feel like writing to him... .

Dear -----, I finally got the guts to remove you from my Fb page today. I realize this probably doesn't make any difference to you but it has hurt me even more to see your name in messenger, to see you in and out of the pages of FB and be ignored. You were so sweet and charming at first, you drove 1500 miles round trip twice to see me and I flew and drove to be with you. I though the long distance was giving us the time we need to merge our lives which I was doing at YOUR request and encouragement. Did you ever really love me or did I spend 8 months getting attached to you, your family, friends and changing my whole life to live the rest of my life with you? You site all the wrongs I have done. Never accepting responsibility for your ratings at me, lies, and excuses for everything. I am not perfect but I"m not slough and you say dhow much you loved me. I was good to you____! How can a man not care how he treats a woman. I am a good woman. There's nothing more i can say. You've ignore me and I've made a fool of myself trying to reason with you. You always cut off any meaningful conversation. I think now I can begin to heal... .screw you and your cold nasty treatment of me not just at the last but progressively. I will get better. I've never been through anything like this and always a strong woman , you are damn good at your deception and manipulation... .

[Starseed]

When our son asks why- what do you say to him?  You tell him how good you are at everything.  You strut around like you have it all figured out, like you are so together after everything has been broken.  You are cool and calm and ready to jab when the mood hits.  This is what you wanted?- how can it be that you somehow seem to have everything under control when suicide seemed like a viable option a couple months ago.  What is this mask for? Who does it serve?  Is it  to make me feel small and wrong and crazy?  That I loved and love you and didn't see it coming, though you had planned it for months- that somehow this rug you pulled out again should not have taken me by surprise- that I should be cool about your impulsive behaviour and let it rule my existence.  I let you see my vulnerability, my truth- so you could claw at it, feast on it- let it fill you up - make you the winner.  You kept me longing for some real connection, some intimacy- for 16 years you dangled it in front of me- promising me something I could never really have.  Your withholding of everything, your push and pull, your false accusations and unwillingness to trust- your cool control. How do you actually see me now- as weak and lost?  I am going through a normal process of grieving after 16 f-ing years of a relationship that gave me so little validation.  It's groundless, and awkward and threatening- figuring out who I am now and who I want to be, untangling it all.  I walk away in pain, but I know how to love.  And I can see who you are, I know you are the one who is scared and lost and alone- I so thought that we could find our way together, so hoped.  You will always be family- but our partnership is over.
   

[CryWolf]

HEY M,

I don’t expect a response back from you and that’s okay. First off, I want to thank your parents for allowing me in the House even when it was against their liking. I have nothing but respect for them and truly had intentions of being a good son in-law for them if that moment ever came. I want to thank you for all the memories we shared. They may not resonate with you at this time in your life but we truly had beautiful experiences that I could never replace. You may paint me black now and that’s something I understand and have come to terms with in my life. Like always, I am wishing you the best in everything you do in life.

Love Always,
A

P.S take care of our yak