Today is the day I take privileges away dd19

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi folks,
I need some feedback. DD19 got out of Residential this past Tuesday. The agreement was that she begin PHP by Thursday. During her intake assessment on Weds. she found out that the PHP recommmended 6 weeks of treatment, 7 days a week. Insurance took till Thursday afternoon for the okay to begin- so we said the new expectation was that she begin this Friday. We said that we expected her to seek treatment. She proposed another PHP ( partial hospitalization) but she’s not looked into another at all. She was expecting a call from her therapist to recommend a place for her to go. She didn’t keep in touch with the therapist. So now it’s Friday- the day she’s supposed to begin at the 7 day a week place. She’s refusing to go. We said we’d pay her- that this was her job. I even whispered that I thought most PHPs build in for patients to miss. In any PHP she’s been in, she’s missed days due to shutting down in her funk. She’s returned only to quit soon after. DD19 has not wanted to take meds and refused them
Yesterday. She said she’d take her meds if I’d buy her cigarettes. I said no and then took her phone. Husband went in to her room with the dogs and helped shift her mood late last night and then- I quickly walked in to give her meds. She finally took them. She missed her morning dose and was fighting the urge to self injure all day long- and not to mention, she was quite irritable. After her meds, she came into our room, we all got into bed and watched a film. Her therapist is supposed to call her this morning. I also managed to get meds into her this morning. Now I have to follow through and take away the phone. Now that she is off of pot, she seems more BPD symptomatic. She’s been through quite a bit.
What to do? We’ve given her something to motivate her. We even assisted in some sense of agency stating that it would not be awful to miss a day if she needed a break. So do I let her keep her phone till the therapist calls? Ugh... .sticking to my word and setting some boundaries is quite a shift, but a necessary one.
Ideas? Thoughts? Ugh

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
I need some feedback. DD19 got out of Residential this past Tuesday. The agreement was that she begin PHP by Thursday. During her intake assessment on Weds. she found out that the PHP recommmended 6 weeks of treatment, 7 days a week. Insurance took till Thursday afternoon for the okay to begin- so we said the new expectation was that she begin this Friday. We said that we expected her to seek treatment. She proposed another PHP ( partial hospitalization) but she’s not looked into another at all. She was expecting a call from her therapist to recommend a place for her to go. She didn’t keep in touch with the therapist. So now it’s Friday- the day she’s supposed to begin at the 7 day a week place. She’s refusing to go. We said we’d pay her- that this was her job. I even whispered that I thought most PHPs build in for patients to miss. In any PHP she’s been in, she’s missed days due to shutting down in her funk. She’s returned only to quit soon after. DD19 has not wanted to take meds and refused them
Yesterday. She said she’d take her meds if I’d buy her cigarettes. I said no and then took her phone. Husband went in to her room with the dogs and helped shift her mood late last night and then- I quickly walked in to give her meds. She finally took them. She missed her morning dose and was fighting the urge to self injure all day long- and not to mention, she was quite irritable. After her meds, she came into our room, we all got into bed and watched a film. Her therapist is supposed to call her this morning. I also managed to get meds into her this morning. Now I have to follow through and take away the phone. Now that she is off of pot, she seems more BPD symptomatic. She’s been through quite a bit.
What to do? We’ve given her something to motivate her. We even assisted in some sense of agency stating that it would not be awful to miss a day if she needed a break. So do I let her keep her phone till the therapist calls? Ugh... .sticking to my word and setting some boundaries is quite a shift, but a necessary one.
Ideas? Thoughts? Ugh

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Daisy123, I'm on your side, keep your boundaries! Oh yeah they are hard and often suck. I'm also big on natural consequences, if as the parent you say something and the expectation is not met, follow through with the end result. To be sure you may get a melt down, many times that's what I get when doing the same thing. The one thing my daughter responds to is my consistencey, if I say it I do it.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

How did it go, Daisy? What did you decide to do?

I'm sorry you and your husband are under so much stress. I can so relate. And setting boundaries is really hard! But you're doing awesome. Keep at it. We're rooting for you. 

[Daisy123]

An update on DD19 refusal to go to treatment. Well it took several hours to actually get the phone into my hands. DD had a tantrum. She threw  a lamp, broke one of my mother’s glass bowls, a precious item I keep next to my bed to catch any jewelry. She threatened to kill her self and ran out of the house in pajamas. I grabbed the phone and said I was calling the police. She stopped in her tracks and came back in, went straight to her room and climbed into bed. It was quite a struggle for her. Her boyfriend called the house phone and she refused to take the call saying that she’d remain in bed and do nothing for the rest of her life. I just kept validating her feelings. “You are quite angry” or ‘wow’ I let her be, but said if she gets violent again or threatens, then I’d have to call the police. When she simmered down, I quietly reminded her that we were open to any treatment place and that she could call her therapist to discuss other PHPs. She refused. Boyfriend called again and asked me to ask DD if she wanted some lunch. He came over with lunch and broke the ice a bit. After he’d left, I asked her if she needed a change of scenery to shift her low mood. We drove to the drugstore and bought some items and a few sweets. Upon return, she handed me her phone.
This was one of the hardest things I’ve done. Setting boundaries is a huge shift for us. For me- I just am
Taking this hour by hour. Don’t know what mood she’ll wake in today. But I have her phone and her computer. I’m hoping she seeks treatment.
Thanks for all of the support and feedback. It was quite a countdown.

[Merlot]

Hi Daisy123

Wow, sounds like you are being hit full frontal.  Boundary setting and changing patterns of behaviour is so difficult to manage, especially when it leads to escalation of really challenging behaviour.  It certainly sounds like you are handling yourself admirably .  You and your husband should be infinitely proud... .

One day at a time, great to be able to apply some learnings and see that positive outcome, albeit hard fought and one and your daughter has learnt something valuable too.

I am struggling to set knew boundaries with my DD27 atm, she has cut me and my GD1 off for the past two months following a volatile rage.  The pattern I'm so desperately trying to change is the one where I absolve her from any wrong doing and admit that all the sins are mine.  For her, this is what's required for me to be back in their lives.  Unfortunately, this pattern continues to re-inforce unhealthy patterns of behaviour.  It's very difficult and so I really understand some what you are going through.

Very glad you had breakthrough 

Merlot

[Hyacinth Bucket]

You and your husband should be infinitely proud... .

Hi Daisy,

You really should be! You are doing awesome!