Describe what it feels like to see it’s a false persona

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was thinking about the experience of thinking you know someone and then you realize it’s a false persona. I feel like it’s hard to pinpoint what the experience of understanding this is like. It’s not something everyone could understand. How would you describe that feeling?

[tiki]

I was thinking about the experience of thinking you know someone and then you realize it’s a false persona. I feel like it’s hard to pinpoint what the experience of understanding this is like. It’s not something everyone could understand. How would you describe that feeling?

[steppedinone]

I've been there... .

One would think it would be a punch to the gut. But it felt more like a dull pain that stayed with me for a long while.

And it's hard to feel more stupid than I did in that moment. My condolences

[The Cat in d Hat]

Feels like massive betrayal, that brings on a sense of doubt of your own judgement. At least for me it did.

[tiki]

I've been there... .

One would think it would be a punch to the gut. But it felt more like a dull pain that stayed with me for a long while.

And it's hard to feel more stupid than I did in that moment. My condolences

Thank you for the condolensces. Coming from someone who understand that feels amazing. It’s a weird rare thing to have to give condolences for when the person you thought exists doesn’t exist. There’s no card for that.

[zachira]

Sometimes it can be helpful to remember that body language often tells you more about who the person is, than what they say. Also, actions speak louder than words. Being taken in by someone's false persona is so hurtful, yet we have to look for the inconsistencies to stand a better chance of seeing thru a what person wants us to see versus what is really behind the facade.

[40days_in_desert]

I think for the first couple of years apart, I felt betrayed and yes somewhat questioned my judgement. It motivated me to look back at what I missed that I shouldn't have missed in the beginning. After resources on this site, my T and good and healthy friendships and allowing myself to be vulnerable - I was able to accept my contribution to the failure of the relationship. Most of that led me to see where I ignored the red flags that are now glaringly obvious. The problem after becoming aware of the red flags was that, for a time, a lot of behaviors looked like red flags. My T helped me "calibrate" my red flag radar.
For a while I tried to blame her "condition" but the more I did that, it made it less likely to uncover the part I played to allow the outcome be what it was. For me, I was so motivated not to end up with someone like her again that I had to make sure I uncovered all possibilities. She was always exactly who she is. It's much more pronounced and open for others to see now. Some of that is because stress levels in her life have increased (many self inflicted) and I'm not there to fix or cover up for her.

[tiki]

Sometimes it can be helpful to remember that body language often tells you more about who the person is, than what they say. Also, actions speak louder than words. Being taken in by someone's false persona is so hurtful, yet we have to look for the inconsistencies to stand a better chance of seeing thru a what person wants us to see versus what is really behind the facade.

Yes. So completely agree. I only speak to him in person now so I can read him. I feel like I’m getting really good at it. And yes actions over words. Mine almost likes words too much. As if a replacement for action.

[Jeffree]

How would you describe that feeling?

It was so liberating. It took off all the pressure I was under to try and keep things together and to try and clarify all the misconceptions she was creating in her head about me.

Once I realized she actually didn't give a sh1t about anyone but herself and that all these promises of this supposed wild bounty of passion that I would get back from from her if only I got on the same page with her about everything was just a carrot I would never reach, I adjusted my approaches with her to their proper level and regained my courage to just be me.

Once that domino fell, so many other things started to make sense and I began to forgive myself for the way things ended and stopped taking her blame.

Just remembering this puts a smile on my face, because she can't hurt me anymore.

J

[lighthouse9]

I'm early in discovering the false persona, and it's definitely disorienting. The grief is akin to someone dying suddenly - I know that my life was real before, but now that life just doesn't exist and it died so suddenly. I actually reached out to her childhood best friend yesterday for some insight and she validated that yes, this was her - the person who just moves on and drops people quickly and can't be alone. She said she thought I was the one who could break the cycle, but ultimately that she wasn't surprised that she devalued and discarded me so quickly.

There's a sickening feeling to the whole false persona thing for me. Finding out things she's been doing/has done in her past kind of turn my stomach. Not out of judgment, but just that someone who seemed so wholesome with me felt like they needed to turn to nefarious places for validation before and more recently. And, to think that she believes that only in these places is she truly herself and valid. It makes me so sad and turns my stomach.

I can echo that there is something freeing about it, too. Learning about the false persona helps me understand why it always felt like my responsibility to carry the relationship. Maintaining her false persona must have been hard enough work. Now that the marriage has failed and she has fled, I can feel less to blame for the things she projected and can more radically accept that she just couldn't keep it up anymore.

I don't know about anyone else here though, but I would also radically accept her as she is - even if that is ever changing. The trouble is, she can't accept herself - because she feels no self.

[MyBPD_friend]

I've been there. It a terrible and traumatic experience, especially if you like or liked this person. Even worth is the lack and impossibiliy of u derstanding.

[southside420]

I don't know how false her persona was with me. How do I really know? We never had major issues getting along. It was the incessant fights that drove us apart, the inability to understand and work with each other, her constant paranoia and her demanding all my emotional support all the time. It's possible I never really knew the real her, but I never saw the fake her while we were together and she never left me. I just had to leave her because I was emotionally exhausted.

[steppedinone]

Thank you for the condolensces. Coming from someone who understand that feels amazing. It’s a weird rare thing to have to give condolences for when the person you thought exists doesn’t exist. There’s no card for that.

I hope it improves for you. It's hard, as this person has a very good chance of being someone I'll have to work for. But I'm getting better with it each day. I just have a lot of trouble getting my head around it at times... .

[Lucky Jim]

I think it's like finding yourself in the midst of a Stephen King movie.

LJ

[JNChell]

Personally, I feel a lot of shame, as well as anger towards her and myself. I feel foolish for wrapping my life around her and not practicing self care whatsoever. Foolish for not allowing time to pass and really getting to know her before I was all in with her. Foolish for ignoring the  ’s when I knew full and well what they were. It’s a hard pill to swallow when I reflect on how I allowed myself to invest in the persona that you mention. It wasn’t real, so there was no return, only loss. Like most of us, in the beginning... .