my mother pwBPD traits has passed - now dealing with the aftermath

[birdbird]

Hi All,
You were all kind to respond to my messages a few weeks ago regarding my mother in hospital rehab for  heart attack.  My father probably a pwnpd passed in august 2017 (6 months ago) and now my mother.  I am the oldest of their 4 children.   More psychology jargon, i am age 49 and only about 1.5 years ago did I figure out that in fact I had been scapegoated by my mother for all these years. 

But I am a crazily optimistic person, like a child I suppose, and I never imagined she really did that though in retrospect I can see very clearly how that came to be.

I went no contact because of legal issues with my parents' regarding safety for my own children back for about 12 years.  During that time, I did try my best to at least have my kids connect well with their cousins even as my siblings became more and more angry with me for having dropped out of my parents' lives.

I was in a massive car accident that totalled my car in 2016 (so not even my fault as i was hit by a young student in this university town while she was texting, but that could not be proven to the police - and I did not know what else to do).  No family member was willing to help me find or get a drivable car in that time no matter my begging, while at the same time I am recovering from a very severe illness that makes me unable to work right now (severe vertigo(dizziness that meds cannot touch), assault in 2013 that created some physical havoc related to my illness, etc). 

Given I have no history whatsoever of alcohol use, substance abuse, etc I for so long thought this was just my lot in life.

Anyway, now trying to rebuild a life that is chaotic at best hoping to give my 3 kids (1 who is just about to be age 21) some semblance of healthy life. 
 
My sibs however, have treated me so cruelly these past few days during viewing, funeral, burial.  Things finally blew up after the burial when it was just us 4 sitting around the cemetary.   

Their fury at me makes no sense but for the lies I am guessing were told of me. 

But still my dear mother, jekyl and hyde, she left my name in the will, that i have not been able to read, yet, and this is fueling the fire.

My stomach hurts.

Thought I'd share.  What to do?  Any been there/done thats?

Thanks in advance,

Birdbird



 

[zachira]

I am sad to hear what is going on between you and your siblings after your mother died. You must feel hurt, angry, and bewildered, as the meanness of your sibling is just horrible and hurtful.
I will soon be dealing with what you are dealing with as my BPD mother is elderly and frail, and I really dread how badly my borderline siblings are going to treat me after her death. I have always been the scapegoat and stood up for myself as much as possible.
BPD families tend to scapegoat certainly family members and idealize others. A common dynamic is projection, where someone gets blamed for all the uncomfortable feelings of others. Usually there are all kinds of back stories full of lies about the scapegoat. I believe you when you say that what your siblings said has no truth to it.
It is so hard to be the sibling that is blamed for everything. I have experienced that too, and I am expecting the worst when my mother dies.
I really admire your courage and how you have stood up for yourself.  I especially admire how you have protected your children. As time goes by, the pain from all of this will become more manageable. You have made so many amazing positive decisions for the well being of your family, and will certainly continue to do so as time goes by.
The hard part now is getting the estate settled. After that you have a choice on what kind of contact you have with your siblings.
Take care and let us know how we can help!

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you were scapegoated by both your mom and it sounds like your siblings.  I can imagine your mom's passing has left you with a lot of unresolved feelings... .

It's the fact that your mom left your name in the will what is fueling the fire?

[Kwamina]

Hi birdbird

I am verry sorry you now have lost both your parents. In spite of everything, their disordered and abusive behavior, losing a parent is still quite signficant. You mentioned before that your mother verbalized in the hospital no longer wanting to live which also isn't an easy thing to hear.

The situation with your siblings is sad. A parent with BPD unfortunately often seriously impacts the relationships between her children. Having said that, your siblings are adults too and are responsible for their own choices. There are always two sides to a story and when people just decide to believe one side without hearing the other, that also says a lot about them.

Grieving the loss of a BPD parent can be a very complicated process, we do have some resources here that might help you:

Grieving our Losses

Take care during this difficult time

The Board Parrot

[Living Life]

Yes, the crazy behavior frequently comes down into the next generation. My 97+ year old uBPD mother finally passed away last year. Although the roles can change, I have generally been the scapegoat while my older brother has been the golden child. She has hated me because I have set boundaries. I didn't know about BPD and the predictable drama until about 6 months after her death, when I finally 'divorced' my brother over his verbal and emotional abuse towards me. It appears he and his wife bought into her untrue crazy stories about me and pretty much ganged up on me. I stood up for what I thought was right, and created more drama. I was supposed to be quiet and compliant, but I didn't get that memo. His bad behavior towards me escalated; he tried to gaslight me with different versions of very recent past events, and accused me of things I didn't do, saying "I have proof, if you don't believe me, ask so & so". So I did talk with each family member he mentioned, and they didn't know anything about what he was talking about. I confronted him, and he really became unhinged and became more verbally abusive with some pretty terrible name calling. I finally decided that I had to put up with this behavior from my mother, but I didn't have to take it from him, so I advised him I didn't want a relationship with him any longer. He lashed out a final time, a reminder that I had made the right choice. I had to deal with her abuse, but I didn't need to take it from him.

And yes, it fundamentally had to do with the estate. Although I was named in her new trust, my brother inherited everything, negating my father's will that left me 1/2 of his estate. This was done 6 years before, and was to be kept a secret by my mother, brother, and his wife; he finally felt guilty enough about it to tell me about 6 weeks before she died; she was too frail and ill to discuss anything substantive, so she never knew that I had been told. Because I am a good team player, I helped clean out the house. This created a huge problem with the SIL. She apparently didn't like how I was dealing with my family's things. Naturally, he chose his wife over his sister. He did honor my father's wishes and give me 1/2 of his share of the estate.

The emotional pain has been pretty intense. I am now past the majority of it and am at peace with my decisions. Yes, I could have handled my part better, but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I know about BPD and the crazy dynamics. I see my brother as a weak man being controlled by his wife with her own ulterior motives.

I have since been made aware by my attorney and accountant that easily 1/3 of each of their client's families self destruct after the last parent dies. I am just another sad statistic.

Each day is better ... .I choose to live a life of joy and purpose, surrounded by people who like and respect me.  Funny, I have only been called 'hateful' by my mother and my brother. I know I am not the person they have tried to make me out to be.

My heart goes out to you ... .this will be a bumpy, difficult process. Stay strong!

[Kwamina]

Hi birdbird,

How are things now?

A few weeks have gone by since your mother's passing, how are you holding up?

The Board Parrot