Drained by undiagnosed BPD gf

[mbgnjdb5]

I don't know what to do. A recent phone call led to an unexpected breakup. I couldn't handle the most recent few weeks of rage, paranoid jealousy and violence.

Seems I/we fit a lot of the standard patterns. Her parents had messy divorce. Hasn't spoken to dad since teen years (she's now mid 20s). Anxiety, depression, eating disorders all appearing at various times. Having had depression and EDs in the past, I've been a lot more tolerant and understanding than any previous BF she's had. I also work with vulnerable groups so trained to handle challenging behaviour in such a way that it's a double-edged sword (remaining much calmer for much longer than the average person but also means much of my energy goes towards thinking about her suffering). I haven't ever protected her from natural consequences and I'm good at making it clear when a line has been crossed and demanding space/time.

I don't really know what I'm doing right now. We both want to be with each other very much. I don't expect her to change through any efforts of mine as I know it's futile and has to come from her (from my own experiences with negative mental health).

In the meantime I'm minimising contact but being civil. She's actually doing the same, 95% of the time we're rosey. The rages are acute and it's totally Jekyll and Hyde, no malice or subtle ongoing negative behaviours. It's only been a few days and we were together for a couple of years, having lived together for a year of that (I had to ask her to move out after mild but regular physical abuse).

Help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi mbgnjdb5,

I'm sorry you are having difficulties in your relationship. It sounds like you have been really focused on maintaining boundaries but I know even then it can still take its toll on you. You've found a great place for support and advice.

With her moving out, is your goal for you to reconcile your relationship and begin trying to fix things? HOw are you handling the breakup?