Need an Opinion: Her Sudden Good Mood

[NGU]

Hey all.
My wife just got a job interview and perked right up. I'll bullet-point the facts for brevity.
My question will be: Has "projection" been one of the big problems here?

--Her dad died last May right before we closed on our house, which he never got to see. He helped us buy it.
--She's been struggling with grief and guilt since, and hasn't worked. She watches TV, naps and plays Sudoku. Which is fine.
--Her brother essentially ruined Christmas. She's been in really bad shape for 10 weeks now.
--I'm the house-husband and house caretaker. Shopping/cooking/cleaning/repairs/improvements. 10 hour days, minimum, no days off.
--We have what I believe to be an unspoken rule here... .neither of us mentions that I'm doing literally everything.
--We're debt free at the moment. It's better for her that I be here, and it's currently saving us money. (No, really.)
--During one of her yelling episodes in January, she said she's not going to be happy again until I get a job.
--When she's emotionally low, she'll lash out at me for doing tasks differently than she would do them. Even in situations where she has no idea how the tasks are supposed to be done. Or she'll lash out at me for doing certain tasks at all. (Sudden lack of faith in my judgment.)
--Last week, after months of her periodically using me as a punching bag, my brain had enough and shut down. Desensitized. So we've hardly been talking to each other. 
--She applied for a job yesterday, got a job interview, and she suddenly reverted back to her happy self. Almost jarring. Affectionate, bright tone, appreciative of what I'm doing.
--I'm currently not worrying about what would happen if she doesn't get this job... .or if the high gets too high and leads to a crash. I guess I'll just enjoy this while it lasts.

If I'm reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" correctly, the main problem lately could be projection. She's angry and ashamed that she hasn't been contributing, so she's blaming me for not contributing. Which would explain her sudden good mood at the prospect of contributing.

Does this sound right? Maybe one or more of you have had a similar experience.

Thanks.

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi NGU, thanks for sharing.

I'm in a similar place but kind of the reverse. I was home with my wife for one year paternity leave after our second was born with the secondary purpose of giving her support to go back to work. When she wasn't successful, I had to go back to work, and she totally resents me for it.

I don't know enough about your situation to confirm whether your wife is projecting, but I can say that projection is a common BPD behavior. When my wife has a bad outburst that's an obvious testament to her disordered state, she starts telling me I need help and should go to a counselor. She even booked the appointment for me once without asking. Serious projection there. 

Do you think she has a real shot at getting the job? If she goes back to work, do you think that will change your current dynamic?

~ROE

[NGU]

Hi ROE. Thanks for the reply.

Yes, this job might happen. She gets seasonal work, which lead to two scenarios. 1. Decent management = just the regular occasional complaints about aches and pains.  2. Bad management = anxiety, lots of venting and some crying. I sense good management for this one.

The problems really occur when I work. She stews at home alone. That's when more of the legit BPD behaviors kick in.

This is the most surprising work-related issue:
--November 2016... .so about 16 months ago. She was yelling at me to get a job, so I got to the point of a second interview at a crappy hourly gig. She started crying and begged me to NOT take the job because she needed me for the holidays.
--Three or four months ago, she was yelling at me again about working and I finally brought this up as calmly as possible.
--She broke down in tears... .horrified with the knowledge that she doesn't even remember begging me to stay unemployed. 

This is why reading books for loved ones is so difficult.  (I Hate You Don't Leave Me, Stop Walking on Eggshells.) Too much of it fits our situation, or at least gives me a very plausible explanation as to why most of it is happening. It's like my brain is refusing to accept that a problem of this magnitude can be answered by something I can hold in my hand.

-ngu

[RolandOfEld]

Too much of it fits our situation, or at least gives me a very plausible explanation as to why most of it is happening. It's like my brain is refusing to accept that a problem of this magnitude can be answered by something I can hold in my hand. 

I've been there with you, NGU and read both. I think the first step any of us need to take after awareness of BPD enters the picture is to understand it better and get a better understanding of everything that's gone on in our life before. But understanding and believing are two entirely different things. The most recent phase for me has been accepting. Not accepting the behaviors and the situation, but accepting that its really happening. Only once that happens can you begin to make a change. That's what I'm trying to do now, but it's so much harder than I ever thought. 

Do you feel something like that right now, knowing but not believing?

~ROE

[NGU]

Thanks for jumping in the thread ROE. She finally wore me down a couple weeks ago and I mentally crashed. It feels like forced self-preservation. The detachment is odd. I'm living on autopilot at the moment.  

Do you feel something like that right now, knowing but not believing?

The knowing and accepting seem fine. But I'm still having a hard time believing two concepts:

1. That she can have so many diagnosable traits tied to a single three-letter acronym... .without me even trying to crowbar anything in. The "Additional BPD Traits" section of Eggshells was especially horrifying.

2. That someone this intelligent can turn on a dime into behavior so blatantly illogical. It's the lose-lose situations and contradictions. My Kryoptonite.

She has described it as a tornado in her brain.
The tornado charges along and picks up any other potential problems in her life and magnifies them. So a bad Christmas leads to paralyzing anxiety/fear/anger about her family, me, our finances and our future.

-ngu

[pearlsw]

Hi NGU,

I don't have much to add here to what ya'll are saying and sharing about... .It is very interesting to read though!

I notice men and women with BPD traits can be quite different... .but I do want to spread some warmth to you and say I hope she has some luck with getting this job!

How do you think that may change things overall if she does? Or sadly to say, not change things?

with compassion, pearl.

[NGU]

How do you think that may change things overall if she does?

Hi pearl.

Working is a forced motivation for her to leave the house. Which would mean less ruminating. The only time working has made it worse was when she had a verbally abusive boss.

There should be fewer subtle clues to pick up on regarding her mood and triggers; she has no problem going over her work day when she gets back.

On my end... .
Her perception of my entire day at home would be solely based on what she sees immediately after returning from work, so I'd have to make sure I'm not eating (sitting down) when she walks in the door.

We were talking yesterday about us not even living in our house for a year yet. She said "... .and you're still continually putting out fires around here." Acknowledging that means that she's in a better place mentally. And that's just from the simple prospect of a job. 

-ngu

[hazedandconfused]

Hi NGU,

  I feel like I'm in almost exactly the same situation as you.  I work all day and then when I came home, I was expected to cook and clean, and take care of our daughter.  In my experience, I've seen these same sudden good moods - but it's really been a long rollercoaster for me, and I'm not sure if it ever ends.  I've learned not to feel complete relief when it happens, but I never give up hope.

   I would say ROOT she gets that job.  Whenever my BPD wife was busy - she would be happier even if it were tasks she didnot enjoy.  Even with a poor manager at a new job- as long as not abusive - I think having that external enemy that is not you, might make her project less on you and maybe on him/her.

[Skip]

  Hi never give up!

Thanks for the update. We welcome you back for round two.

Skip

[Radcliff]

Hi NGU,

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what makes your situation better or worse, and your wife getting a job is likely to be a good thing.

How soon will she know if she's gotten the job?

What kind of support from you does she find most effective?  How can you best make her feel supported in her job search?

WW

[NGU]

Hazed / Skip:
Thank you for your posts.

And WW:

What kind of support from you does she find most effective?  How can you best make her feel supported in her job search?

Support without suggestions or criticism. If she has an opinion/belief that I don't hold, it's better not to say anything. I can ask questions based on genuine interest, but she'll instantly pick up on passive-aggressive questions that are criticisms in disguise. If I legitimately need to give her negative input... .like if what she's wearing is wrong for where we're going, or if the way she's building a fire is setting herself up for miserable failure... .it requires the correct tone, near-perfect wording and at least one qualification. 

She seems to like genuine compliments. The surprising part is that she has never gotten annoyed with the amount of times I compliment her body. Maybe, deep down, she needs it in some way. (But don't we all?)

As for jobs, she doesn't talk about the searches. Usually any mentions start at the interview stage. Then I'd just reply with something like "Sweet!" or "Niiice." Maybe a question about what kind of job it is, if she hadn't mentioned it already. Knowing how stressful job searches are, it would actually be stupid of me to leave her in the topic longer than that. On the off chance she wants to keep talking about it, she needs to stay in complete control of the conversation.

-ngu

[Radcliff]

NGU,

It sounds like you have things dialed in on how to support her in her job search.  That's great that compliments work well with her.  My wife was generally suspicious or not believing of compliments, and compliments on her body or appearance in particular were not believed.

I forgot to mention that I also found the "Additional Traits" section of Eggshells to be pretty descriptive of our situation.  I think every additional trait, perhaps except for one, applied.

You mentioned that you only stay on the job search topic for short bits of time; that makes sense.  What are ways that you're able to support her and ease her stress in other areas, to reduce global stress level?

How is your detachment doing?  Are there any things that make you feel closer to her and happier in the relationship?

WW